tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-88166663326554030982024-02-16T01:14:23.031-08:00The Sober Girl, Wife and MumJust a girl, parent, wife, trying to be sober.Daisy Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06655799879447853508noreply@blogger.comBlogger163125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8816666332655403098.post-65502376842747102442020-02-22T03:53:00.001-08:002020-02-22T03:55:24.004-08:00And, finally. Stormy skies. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Of course it got worse.<br />
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It's a downwards spiral, right?<br />
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Cue the final curtain call. A manic manic day.<br />
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A family intervention.<br />
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It's all out in the open now.<br />
They don't trust me to trust myself.<br />
I can't blame them at all.<br />
I don't trust myself either.<br />
Ironically I've only drank 4 days this month battling through sober days quietly alone. Easier than fessing up, how hard its been.<br />
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It didn't really work.<br />
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Day 8 TODAY.<br />
<br />
Dr's again on Monday, addiction specialist on Tuesday.<br />
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Kind messages float in via social media, telling me to hold on and battle the stormy clouds.<br />
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I LOVE MY FAMILY.<br />
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I'm so grateful for the love around me, even though everyone is, confused and doesn't really know who I am or how to trust me again.<br />
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Baby steps.Daisy Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06655799879447853508noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8816666332655403098.post-81476455519139437222019-05-14T13:22:00.004-07:002019-05-14T13:22:59.609-07:00Day 3 - Hanging on the telephone<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Day 3 comes to the slowest close of my days, or so it feels. </div>
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Good to have a bit of melodrama eh? Booze likes that.</div>
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Tonight I phoned a friend about nothing really, but she's a blether and whilst she nattered about nattery things, the cravings came and went. </div>
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I hung on to the phone, cleaned the kitchen, did some gardening, whilst phone tucked under my ear, hung on my chin.</div>
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Literally hanging on the telephone.</div>
Daisy Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06655799879447853508noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8816666332655403098.post-71857273242468506532019-05-13T10:46:00.001-07:002019-05-13T10:46:24.421-07:00Day 1<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAlIEkvU39PUq3bz-cnVU9v-TBI9dtxx5Ruk5sAzSH4cddn0H4hfVd3u55B2Mtpo6q0kmRok9-WteQ1KY68WawQzd5qH9BnGJbIuQ8zbQ2l5ZnM34c3J8t25yNwNiW7V83_xA1diHrXiTH/s1600/Dangermouse-002.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="528" height="290" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAlIEkvU39PUq3bz-cnVU9v-TBI9dtxx5Ruk5sAzSH4cddn0H4hfVd3u55B2Mtpo6q0kmRok9-WteQ1KY68WawQzd5qH9BnGJbIuQ8zbQ2l5ZnM34c3J8t25yNwNiW7V83_xA1diHrXiTH/s320/Dangermouse-002.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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I found one after the longest time of denial, tantrums, secrecy and hideous depression. Hard knocks, family crisis, new jobs, and general life stuff. </div>
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I found a day one. </div>
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I'm trying not to scare it today, as whilst I woke fresh faced and hopeful, Day 2 is hanging on by a whisker. </div>
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Like a hand gliding hamster. </div>
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I hope my trusty Dangermouse sidekick turns up soon to steer this wobbly ill thought out sober vehicle, I really want to keep in it.</div>
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Time to keep busy.</div>
Daisy Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06655799879447853508noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8816666332655403098.post-89669117493405576522016-08-30T07:31:00.000-07:002016-08-30T07:40:44.672-07:00Sober treats and swimming in shark infested custard<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I do remember writing about shark infested custard before. Sometimes I think that's what early sober feels like. I'm really selling it to you, yes? I feel bludgeoned by society to drink, its like dodging through the shallows looking for where the next attack might be. Media, music, activities, events, birthdays, christenings, holidays, visitors, catching up, home warming presents. Even going in for a pint of milk offers several hundred bottles of booze dangling there in front of you at 10 am.<br />
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Its truly mind boggling how you learn to avoid things, dodge and duck, sometimes I've discovered its easier to hide home and go online shopping, selecting carefully and saying thank you to the man that pops by and delivers it all. A solid alcohol free experience. I heartily recommend it when you first dip into sober land. Much easier not to buy booze if you're not faced with it at times that are around the witching hour. For me, I just don't go near a shop or a supermarket in the evening, its not worth the risk for me this early into sober. So shopping in my pyjama's it is then. Safer by far.<br />
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And, as for the 50th birthday week away I've just been invited to that has me all panicking and its in October, I can only hyperventilate when I think about that. We've decided only to go for a weekend, I'm going with the careful hand hold of my husband, now declared teetotaler and at beyond 6 ft and hairy, no one messes when he says he'll have an apple juice please. I shall hide behind his girth and guard my own loins. We shall arrive late, leave early and whilst be there for my bestbest friend, gird our loins with everything we can think of.<br />
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So we're slowly sneaking through sober, quieter than before, I'm spending a lot of time in bed and a lot of time alone, recharging in between the summer visitors, who've mainly respected the sober household. Somehow influenced by my new found love of grocery shopping online, I did take the initiative and finally go and order some books I've been looking for. They didn't have them in my local book shop. Sober treats you say, easier online if you make the effort. A bit of mainlining Dr Brown for me for a while I think. Well, I've never been very good at doing anything by halves. I've always wanted to read these so now I can.<br />
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I find it hard to get on my computer every day, so whilst I manage social media for work from my phone, I thought maybe that was a way to try and reach out when I can't blog. More sober tools and if its easier for me, then its a no brainer. So I started a sober face book page. If it doesn't work I can always delete it.</div>
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Now for some catching up on my reading. Slowly slowly.</div>
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<br />Daisy Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06655799879447853508noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8816666332655403098.post-89659828409690911932016-08-28T05:00:00.001-07:002016-08-28T05:00:38.585-07:00Sober Sundays<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRW5bFN1JtlXNljxSZ_46wyIrCecEPPCq1cM8C3N8kO6uNX5blbr8AAy8_NNo4qcZmS-LRdWxRTLJpsQG_qbLT_1HtZK0jhCGLWMu-926opUhqdMq0MXbYCicI5CutL-UJJasjKfStf7mv/s1600/Sunday.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="174" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRW5bFN1JtlXNljxSZ_46wyIrCecEPPCq1cM8C3N8kO6uNX5blbr8AAy8_NNo4qcZmS-LRdWxRTLJpsQG_qbLT_1HtZK0jhCGLWMu-926opUhqdMq0MXbYCicI5CutL-UJJasjKfStf7mv/s320/Sunday.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
I've always found it remarkable when managing to be sober how utterly fabulous Sundays are. I don't know especially why they are any different to any other sober day. But, even with the history of daily drinking, sober Sundays seem the best day to me. They have their own vibe.<br />
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Maybe its that its another week cracked, or just surviving the ritual of drinking on Saturdays which seem to be more acceptable (than drinking everyday, I mean everyone drinks at the weekend don't they its just NORMAL). So when a lot of the world has a hangover, perhaps their only one of the week, if they only drink on a Saturday, then maybe that's it. Feeling different in a good way.<br />
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I'm haivering, that's normal for me. Thank you all for the good wishes and the thoughts for my cousin. And, the virtual sweet peas. Its meant a lot. I've been in a wrapped up fog for the last few weeks, or that's how it feels. I've not fought it either, I've done little. But I'm sober and that's all that really matters to me at the moment.<br />
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I read another great blog from Prim today full of thought provoking [ <a href="https://takinganewpath.wordpress.com/2016/08/27/what-the-hell-is-recovery-anyway-heres-what-9341-people-in-recovery-actually-said/">LINK HERE</a> ]- and the last bit of it resonated so much with me too. <br />
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Wherever we are on our journey.......very very brilliant advice from the lady herself.<br />
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<strong style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 23.4px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><i>don’t drink. reach out. be very, very kind to yourself.</i></strong><br />
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<br />Daisy Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06655799879447853508noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8816666332655403098.post-33386179112796813652016-08-04T00:53:00.000-07:002016-08-04T01:06:30.775-07:00Day 24 - Choosing life<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBN1DelYtoB1yjJJLzTLjwZowMWNK03kDAOLCYJrj86cIg7qUh8JjwK51iYi7TslWIsDHb63MABm20IX48jQ59KCICdOZsy5_NBNkCa9-GJeP3imMBMOrBn4hJP2kzCc-kFTwc7pQotV1D/s1600/choose+life.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBN1DelYtoB1yjJJLzTLjwZowMWNK03kDAOLCYJrj86cIg7qUh8JjwK51iYi7TslWIsDHb63MABm20IX48jQ59KCICdOZsy5_NBNkCa9-GJeP3imMBMOrBn4hJP2kzCc-kFTwc7pQotV1D/s1600/choose+life.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm here and I'm living and I'm trying.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I'm so grateful to be here today. For not losing myself into the oblivion it would be so easy to seek. Sometimes they say, it can take a cataclysmic event to stop drinking even for a day or so. I've had lately, so many shares of my day 1's after days of attempting day 1's for sometimes what seems an eternity. Sometimes its something horrific we do or say that shocks us into the shame that sometimes it takes to stand back and actually stop. Whilst I've had my fair share of these, its amazing what wears off after a day or two and 'just the one' seems to be the most logical thing in the world. Well, it is for me.<br />
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We have had a rather tumultuous few weeks, month or so, even. Rather than sink into a bottle yesterday I asked my husband for support, asked for his company, made myself unable, even if I wanted to, buy any alcohol. Whilst my resolve is strong, my go to in any crisis is alcohol, I don't trust myself with any kind of drugs, but ironically, they are easier to avoid. We talked for a long time into the night about my anxiety, how it seems to totally grip and strangle me and often leads to me drinking to quiet the worry. He said he was grateful I was able to trust him.<br />
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Yesterday we said goodbye to a close family member, 364 days older than me, I'm 48. They were the subject of a horrific attack, and sadly died afterwards, in hospital, peacefully. Its taken weeks to get to the bottom of what happened, perhaps we never will but someone has been charged with culpable homicide. Another drugs and alcohol related death, was sadly reported, its victim far too young.<br />
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Its totally rocked me personally to the core. Selfishly, I also thought, what if that had been me?<br />
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My cousin lost his grandparents largely to alcohol, [me too]<br />
his uncles and aunties to alcohol, [me too]<br />
his parents to alcohol. [I've one left]<br />
lost his job to alcohol, [not yet, but if I'm honest, its been close]<br />
lost his core friendships to alcohol, [some, some I need to lose because of alcohol pressure]<br />
lost his access own sweet family to alcohol, [not yet, I hope never]<br />
lost himself to alcohol and latterly, it seems, mixing in circles thick with drugs. [not yet I hope never]<br />
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Some of his family and friends stuck by him, checking in when they could, often distancing themselves from harms way and the chaos. But, there for him. I guess I was one of them, but I guess I understand now more than most. I last spoke to him when he'd lost his job and life was on the up as he'd had a month and 5 days sober. Sadly it didn't last. I never heard from him again.<br />
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I stood yesterday with Simple Minds 'Don't you forget about me' blasting out of the speakers, saying goodbye, thinking how utterly selfishly grateful I am to be here and be on a sober, if erratic, journey at times.<br />
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I need to find this moment for grounding. For when the overwhelming urge to drink is just too much.<br />
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I need to remember to choose life. Be tenacious in my choices and choose living.<br />
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Maybe this is too much sharing. And, maybe it is. I need to live. Alcohol is claiming too many lives around me. And, yet wine, sometimes, spirits just seems so appealing to quiet those noises in my head. I need to empty this head I think.<br />
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I'm good today. Sober, lunch packed and ready to return to work. I had taken some time off, too fragile to deal with anything aside myself and sober living.<br />
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I've a plan to be solely with my husband later, to scupper any ability to buy alcohol, just in case.<br />
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The voice in my head tells me, when I allow it in, that I'm different and I can control things. I won't die like that. Like any of them, Reality would tell me, I'm not as different special as I might want to convince myself or think I am. Drinking is not a good idea for me, ever. Selfishly I want to live.<br />
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Excuse the overtly morbid post, I'm good today, but I need to keep grounded in stark reality for the moment. Day 30 is on its way, I just need to get there.Daisy Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06655799879447853508noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8816666332655403098.post-56678375768094006032016-07-30T04:40:00.000-07:002016-07-30T06:43:22.080-07:00Day 19 - long time no see.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hey there, I hope you're good. I can't thank you enough for the comments that pop into the inbox. It really goes a long way. When of course I open my sober emails, which I'm trying to do everyday now and not shy away from them.<br />
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Its been a long time since I got this far, I'm normally 3 days - 7 days and then something freaks me out/gets too much and I head straight back to day 1. I'm trying to fathom out why but for now I'm happy at day 19. Tomorrow is day 20. My partner is away and I've invited a doesn't drink chum around for the day, possibly for the night we'll see. I'm liking my own space at the moment.<br />
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I'm generally OK, got a good gym routine going for my rehab for my knee, so its a good change to be doing something positive for myself. I'd also managed to get myself in quite a pickle about drinking/not drinking the other night and resorted to cleaning the house instead and that kept me going through the witching hour.<br />
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Today we try friends and a promise to go the the gym tomorrow.<br />
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I did begin to wonder if vanity can get you sober. My weight was creeping up to 'pregnant with child' previous records, partly booze partly comfort eating with booze in between. So many lost calories, such a messy kitchen in the morning. Sandwiches at midnight again, oh ok.<br />
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So something in the logic in my brain said, you know what enough is enough. You can't be trusted (yes Lou was right, I can't trust myself sometimes to make sensible choices for myself), so no more booze. And, that was 19 days ago.<br />
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Fitbit fully charged, food monitoring app on the phone, if truth be told if anyone had told me I'd been looking at the witching hour and thinking, you know I just don't have those empty booze calorie choices to make today, I'd have said they are insane. But then again as a functioning kinda gal, I can choose to drink 15+ units and still do the gym the next day, torturing myself, deserving the pain. Well not anymore. As I slide my way to 50, its not down a booze shute. I choose life.<br />
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Whilst I'm not dieting, I'm monitoring what I eat and seem to have reduced the 3000+ calories on a 'booze day' down to just under 2000 most days and I'm really getting my steps/gym in too drinking or not I make myself exercise. And, man its a slog with a hangover.<br />
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Whatever works I say. I'm looking forward to seeing day 20.<br />
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I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.Daisy Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06655799879447853508noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8816666332655403098.post-6887521589734200992016-05-26T08:42:00.000-07:002016-05-26T08:44:05.834-07:00Day 2 - TrustI've being doing Belle's mantra of 'don't try harder, do something different' and its made me very ponderish.<br />
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I think trust is my biggest issue. Trust.<br />
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Five small letter. Which amount to, I don't deserve this. I don't deserve these folks being nice, I don't deserve anything.<br />
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Tell no one.<br />
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Trust no one.<br />
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Or maybe trust some folks. Like Belle and you sober lovely lot, I'm listening to her new book. She's asked me to write a list of some things as an exercise.<br />
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Day 1 what to expect when you're newly sober {subtext here for me is that even though you've had about a gazzilions of times, try something new}. I need to remind myself of a few things.<br />
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Ten things to write down<br />
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1 - They way I drink has affected my<br />
{motivation}<br />
2 - And my<br />
{relationship with my family and friends}<br />
3 - And my<br />
{well being}<br />
4 - The way I drink has caused problems with<br />
{inner self and my happiness}<br />
5 - And with<br />
{my general focus}<br />
6- Its made me feel<br />
{lonely}<br />
{unworthy}<br />
7- I nearly had a disaster when<br />
{?mine are too raw and cringeworthy for here}<br />
8 - And this was just about a disaster too<br />
{?see above}<br />
9 - I'm tired of waking up feeling like<br />
{I don't deserve any better}<br />
10 - People who will be relieved when I'm sober<br />
{me}<br />
{family}<br />
{sober friends}<br />
{anyone else who knows me.........?}<br />
<br />
I did however speak to my other half today and say, you know I'd had the occasional glass of wine, well I think its noodling with my head. I'm in a funny place.<br />
<br />
{deep sighs and breaths here}<br />
<br />
His reply. I had thought it odd you'd even consider the odd glass when it doesn't seem to make you be very nice to yourself. Maybe its time to just leave it.<br />
<br />
Trust.<br />
<br />
And we have people for dinner tonight, ironic in the extreme I pick this week to start over. Or not, life goes on. I took advice I'd had previously and messaged ahead to say, no booze here we've only juice - that's all fine with them they said.<br />
<br />
A little less to stress about.<br />
<br />Daisy Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06655799879447853508noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8816666332655403098.post-83907856685929071372016-05-25T12:36:00.000-07:002016-05-25T13:20:42.668-07:00A peek over my sober shoulder.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5ZDTJAE7UGaordDwEnHnvYtiJYjt-w0latxvSRxWSvs3-uKGdpWQAES6AsH9l5jfBSUC_rJPBp2D0qNnJh1oLtfMVDap1G6Z6GCGO_wStw9XXBlcoZbIrP40E7-6NZU-76wBVnvJEvP2N/s1600/bernhardt-wall-shy-dutch-girl-peeks-over-shoulder-oh-you-sailboats-1912-pc-3db2c382c265291df8cc6669e8ca01e0.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5ZDTJAE7UGaordDwEnHnvYtiJYjt-w0latxvSRxWSvs3-uKGdpWQAES6AsH9l5jfBSUC_rJPBp2D0qNnJh1oLtfMVDap1G6Z6GCGO_wStw9XXBlcoZbIrP40E7-6NZU-76wBVnvJEvP2N/s320/bernhardt-wall-shy-dutch-girl-peeks-over-shoulder-oh-you-sailboats-1912-pc-3db2c382c265291df8cc6669e8ca01e0.jpg" width="202" /></a></div>
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There you are. And, here I am. For the thoughtful words and messages which have laid quietly on the whole until I was ready to venture into sober land again. I thank you all. I really do. Sober community, even if you switch it to 'gentle snooze' for a while is as always consistent and epic reliable and wonderously cosy. Thank you and I really mean that.</div>
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Here's where I'm at. I've had about 15 drinking days in the last year. Most of them in the past few months when I worked beyond crazy full time. Never insane, but nevertheless, I couldn't cut it totally sober. </div>
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I've told sober friends, I'm a failure. They've told me I'm not. Frankly 15 days drinking moderately has been far less catastrophic as a blow out or any of my numerous years drinking ever was. So whilst its not a full scale parade, its still better than it was before. Maybe a mouse-parade?</div>
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I stopped writing for a while, in just about every area of my life. It just got too much. Everything just go too much. I worked too much. I also broke my knee and tore a knee ligament clean off, at Xmas and wrecked it again in late January, and I continued to work. Yes really and I refused to go see a Dr until my busy period was over, I didn't want it to affect my working pay. Its insanity perfectionified isn't it. {real word by the way} And if I'm honest, a broken knee is probably less painful to bear than constant hangovers/paranoia at work, which I must be guilty of for the past god knows how many years. </div>
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I'm self-employed and a stark-I-will-do-everything-by-myself single parent. So when I get offered crazy amounts of work, I take it. Even if it means self care is f*cked. I'm so use to feast or famine when I went back to feast, I hadn't really realised (yes I am this thick) that alcohol in some form or another might rear its 'dodgy-NONcoping-mechanism-head'. And, food, food has been a real substitute for booze and over work. I've put on over a stone in a couple of months. My confidence is down the bog.</div>
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The questions just got too much. The justification for NOT drinking got too much.</div>
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As I poured a bottle of cheap rose down the sink in my kitchen in December a rather stressful houseful at home, and filled it with diluted berry juice just to 'fit it' and quiet the voices, the irony was not lost on me. Pretending to drink. And pretending to drink something you know no one else would touch with a barge pole. Geniusly f*cked up.</div>
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You see its easy to pretend to drink, you're already well skilled at double devious behaviour.</div>
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So sometimes I've fake drunk. Sometimes I've had one glass to shut the idiots in the room up. Overwhelm can be a crazy crazy bitch. At the end of my insane contract period, we took another holiday with some relatives, big wine boozers, but you know kinda snobby with it. So I went all out into buying the cheapest wine possible and making a show of it, so no one would touch it. Its not that I even wanted it. I just wanted to quietly fit in. The rose/juice trick was pulled everyday that holiday and oddly whilst I bought wine everyday I never drank a drop. And, was kind of appalled at our co-hosts drinking. But, like a little lamb, I took to the fold and pretended to join in. I don't really know why. Sometimes being sober isn't easy and when overwhelmed I can't begin to defend my own actions.</div>
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I haven't got a lid on that yet. Sometimes I think whilst I know some of the answers, I don't do sober very well. And, those isolating, I'm even a f*ck up at sober words which I know are Wolfie, still hold me hostage and alone. I'm not a good example of a sober girl. I'm just human and I'm learning pretty anxious and pretty vulnerable. I feel unworthy of friendship and I isolate myself very easily. Step aside nothing worth looking at here.</div>
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It also seems I don't do drinking very well either and sometimes even fake it. For peace.</div>
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But looking over my sober shoulder, sometimes I don't do me very well. But, I am learning. And, I realise none of this makes sense. But, I'm confronting it. Gently.</div>
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Works reverted, for a while, to a kind of lovely slow pace. Time to smell sober for a while and work on my coping mechanisms about who I am. And, an ability to open a sober email account and read some mails it would seem is a start.</div>
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Thank you for poking and pestering me and throwing me sober blankets and letting me breathe and get here in my own time.</div>
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I know I need to find therapy and actively work at things. I mean a bit of drinking is one thing, hard core fake drinking. Seriously, that's insane!? Slowly slowly catchy Wolfie.</div>
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Yesterday I had a 'wet the babies head' slurp of wine after work. It was shite. I prefer juice.</div>
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Day 1 again. With weaker knees and I know even less about myself. But, I'm here.</div>
Daisy Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06655799879447853508noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8816666332655403098.post-72223588733936338472015-12-22T21:16:00.001-08:002015-12-22T21:16:10.805-08:00Sober escapes<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I know I'm bad a month with no posts. Bad Daisy. I hope you're well? Hope you enjoy the holidays.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">If I'm totally honest I hate this time of year. Dark nights miserable weather. I'm very grinch like. My children, largely due to logistics and bad ex husband geography spend the larger holidays at their fathers with their extensive family and siblings. And, despite the logic here and skype and everything it sucks rocks. As we lead upto it I try to be jolly and brave, we have fake Xmas and hugs. It still sucks.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">It's life. They fill their time with adventures as it should be. I know I'm lucky to have such lovely kids. Sharing them is hard but worthwhile.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Blotting out my own pain well that was much easier with booze. Bit like sweeping your emotions under a giant dysfunctional rug that sits in the middle of your life, festering.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">So, second sober Xmas. We were going to be a home, no real plans. But, I started to get panicky. Wolfie (booze voice) started niggling. So I thought to myself how can we turn a bit of negative situation into a more positive one? Something we learn at SMART and something I'm</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Learning without booze. What are the positives I can take out of this?</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Being alone (without kids) at Xmas means you can do what you want to do right? So I looked in my 'booze account' the money I save by not drinking. Each Day as a pledge to me being sober I put £5 or whatever I feel like into my 'sober savings'. Or I try to. I'm not perfect. It's my ex wine money. It's for treats, for me.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">So I looked at that. Just over £150, not drinking certainly adds up, but I've been sucky at treats lately. Anyway long story short is that I said to my hubby, found an uber cheap trip away for Xmas, no kids, how about we grab it and go? Offering to pay half of my share and abstaining from presents.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">So we did!! Booked on Wednesday, left on Friday and here we are, away from everything. Yes I know it's not always advisable to just run away. But I'm telling myself, firstly it's a treat. I couldn't afford to so this if I were drinking. Secondly erm why not, we work hard, kids are sorted and we love adventures.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">And I've done lots of sober planning.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Firstly I use to drink alone, so now I have my hubby with me 24/7 - accountability, he knows I don't want to drink, potentially ever. He's got my back.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">We are in a hotel (very last minute crazy deal!) with bar and 'credit'. He's been given the 'you're in charge of this' cap to wear. Previously I would have taken that responsibity and gorged myself. I'm allowing someone to look after me. And as we sat in the bar before dinner, I opened the drinks page to see a selection of juices, mock tails and alcohol free beer. Yay! Although I must say I did open it to scoff and say look, sober people are not catered for! How wrong was I? One virgin mojhito ease monseuir bar tender.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">We are on a very active holiday. I can hardly keep my eyes open after 8pm and we are out all day. Also planned, keeping busy is good.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I can't say I've not been tempted for 'just one drink' but I know it won't stop at that and I don't want any of the crap that goes with it.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">And if my head ever waivered I know my hubby is braced for a 'really, second Xmas with no drinking, you really want a drink now?' Reply.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I've finally given him permission to challenge me, I trust him to look out for me and my sober.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Small steps. So here we are, exhausted, happy and sober Xmas number two underway. No boozy visitors, no wishing I was joining them. Just some sober recharge time.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I hope you a have a super sober holiday. Celebrating those small sober steps that lead to a happier us.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">At home or away look after yourselves.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Xxxxxx</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.</span>Daisy Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06655799879447853508noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8816666332655403098.post-89647412160409910912015-11-24T01:09:00.000-08:002015-11-24T01:10:38.117-08:00Changes and teaspoons.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://redeuxcreative.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/everything-changes.jpg?w=600&h=840" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://redeuxcreative.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/everything-changes.jpg?w=600&h=840" height="400" width="285" /></a></div>
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Its funny when I think about it. Being sober won't change me I thought to myself I'm only losing the booze. Hmm. A bit like a new parent who's life will NEVER change after having a baby, things are very different.</div>
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I think for a while now whilst I've been in what feels like 'serious reboot' I've known something is afoot. However I didn't expect that things were really changing. But they seem to be.</div>
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Yes still sober. I've had opportunities thrust upon me to drink lately and somehow remarkably sidestepped them.</div>
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I've even drunk apple juice from a wine glass and pretended. Yes that's sad. I know don't judge me I am just not ready to come out to everyone. And certainly not drunken (family) strangers in my own house. Sometimes its easier to lick their teaspoon and smile whilst stirring their tea than actually have a fight about things. Especially booze. My husband knew it was juice too and just went with it.</div>
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So I'm sober but seem to be emerging from somewhere old into somewhere new. But, I'm not sure where.</div>
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I even had a stand up for myself row with my loved ones about my lack of phone. I listened, heard their points and rather than just feel grumpy and bludgeoned I actually said 'Don't push me on this or I will never have one again. Let me do this in my own time, right now I need to disconnect and reboot'. </div>
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I now have a phone, its in the car, and its not connected to the internet. I use it for travelling at my family's insistence. I can see that point. They're taking on board I don't want to be connected to the universe every single second and they have my office number.</div>
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You see whilst I'm quite happy to stand up for myself sometimes, even about the smaller things, often or not I'm more of a 'lick your teaspoon' and smile kind of girl. But that's changing too.</div>
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Tea anyone.....I'll get you a clean spoon xx</div>
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Daisy Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06655799879447853508noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8816666332655403098.post-60686609160110413262015-11-05T00:34:00.002-08:002015-11-05T00:34:27.782-08:00Coming at you like a Sober Dodo<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://animalscamp.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/dodo-5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://animalscamp.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/dodo-5.jpg" height="320" width="291" /></a></div>
How to kill a conversation stone dead. Like dodo dodo dead.<br />
<br />
Me - Hey look I treated myself to a fitbit thingmy - trying to get a bit fitter.<br />
<br />
Friend - Great - wow its ace how do you use it, why did you get it?<br />
<br />
Me - Well guess what its a year and a bit since I stopped drinking and I just thought I deserved a treat. I'm feeling much better and thought I'd keep going.<br />
<br />
Silence.<br />
<br />
From someone who dissects the minutia of our lives normally, silence was as roaring as a charging bull.<br />
<br />
More silence. For once I did not offer excuses or did I retrench, I just lent into the silence, waiting for a response. My time to talk and explain, share, confess and really be honest.<br />
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Nothing.<br />
<br />
Unsurprisingly perhaps, a complete change of topic enchewed. I almost checked my watch to make sure I wasn't in some space time anomaly, which you know happens often in the park. However no Tardis in view. Seems time is perfectly fine.<br />
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<br />
No darling girl, this isn't going away. But, I'll wait and talk about it when you're ready. I'm already here.<br />
<br />
Bit of a monumental one for me. Sad about the Tardis but amazed at my small courage.<br />
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Happy sober day. New routine seems to be helping. Thanks for all the cheering from the sidelines.<br />
<br />Daisy Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06655799879447853508noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8816666332655403098.post-30365596060614556242015-10-29T02:13:00.002-07:002015-10-29T02:23:25.463-07:00Irrational v Rational Thoughts (AKA bollocks or not bollocks.)<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.kamloopsthisweek.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/calvin-hobbes-god-chicken.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://www.kamloopsthisweek.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/calvin-hobbes-god-chicken.gif" height="126" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Rational thinking? Image from Calvin and Hobbes.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I've had a meeting day when I get to SMART and actually listen. The meeting in itself was a bit tiresome. Someone kept leaving the meeting and then coming back in. It wasn't a biggie but for once I just thought just sit the f*ck down. My inner rage often bubbles below the surface it would seem. I do not think this was out of line. It was disruptive but I guess they felt they had to do it.<br />
<br />
We talked about irrational thoughts (I deserve a drink, only one, no harm there, I can stop after one) compared with rational (evidence based) thoughts (You won't stop at one, you don't 'deserve a drink', you never stop once you get started). Or as I like to think about them.<br />
<br />
<i>Bollocks or NOT Bollocks.</i><br />
<br />
{I'm not trying to be offensive, whilst this word is use for male genitalia, here in the UK it is also used as a noun for expressing displeasure link <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bollocks">here</a>. But not a word you would use in polite company or when telling your Grannie that the current government aren't up to the job.}<br />
<br />
So here's what I've been challenging myself with.<br />
<br />
Is what I'm saying or thinking rational or not - <u>no its bollocks. [irrational]</u><br />
<br />
Is what I think based in evidence, if it is its - <u>NOT bollocks. [it is in fact rational]</u><br />
<br />
I have huge issue with these things. And, as part of my sober journey I'm starting to face up to those things that make me feel rubbish and brew irrational thoughts. Its not easy.<br />
<br />
Trying to replace them with evidence based thinking (NOT bollocks) is bloody hard when you've spent your life hiding. Living in irrationalville, Bollocks central.<br />
<br />
A bit like this morning routine. Getting up at a fixed time seems to make me feel more grounded. Routines do too. And I'm kind enough to know that a bit of slippage is OK as long as it all gets done.<br />
<br />
My usual irrational voice would tell me - look at you, I mean, you can't even GET UP like a normal person. When you start the day like that, your brain shuts down to any sort of rational thinking. Well, at least, I'm beginning to know, mines does and then the self flagellation begins and I descend into 'see you, you're rubbish at life'.<br />
<br />
Which is, quite frankly bollocks. But when that's what your morning brain tells your heart, [shouting YOU'RE RUBBISH] your self esteem falls into your boots.<br />
<br />
Not clever. And, not true either.<br />
<br />
So that's been a bit of a lightbulb moment for me.<br />
<br />
The evidence would suggest that as I've always really physically struggled with getting up since I was a freshly hatched child, that I am not lazy or stupid or lax. I wake up like I've been drugged, dragging myself out of sleep, none of this fresh as a daisy stuff for me. Always been the same. Its just who I am and how my body works. Who knows it might be something I can fix. And if I can't then its just how I am.<br />
<br />
So armed with my giant sober flash cards which challenge me to think are these thoughts rational or irrational. I can stop and really think of what I'm trying to tell myself, and which card to hold up high. Mostly I think it will be this one.<br />
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Yes really, you're OK.Daisy Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06655799879447853508noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8816666332655403098.post-36141157137871744722015-10-26T01:37:00.001-07:002015-10-26T01:42:26.914-07:00Monday MorningI only woke up once last night. Not that I'm obsessed about sleeping or anything. Some things are afoot at work and I should hear today what will happen. Its a bit unsettling. But, if I end up at home more, I'm not complaining as the autumn sets itself on chilly and throws itself into winter.<br />
<br />
Back in the sober routine today again. Weekends seem to have no routine at all having himself home. Spoke to both the kids yesterday which was nice. Its also good being sober as it doesn't matter when that happens. House is also nice and tidy, I took an hour yesterday to straighten it up. Its not perfect but it does help my mental health if its not a complete pig sty.<br />
<br />
A bit of the sober morning routine done today - sets me up for the day. So if I can keep doing it, then i'll be a happy bunny.<br />
<br />
I guess I need to set up that review appointment - so I've not achieved everything on my list, so what. I'm sober. A wee look at those goals......<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">I'm happy to share some of my goals for the next three months. (JULY)</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">1 - Not Drink. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">2 - Be more open with my partner. (GULP)</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">3 - Keep attending meetings.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">4 - Look into other groups if work commitments change my schedule.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">5 - More personal time, which I dictate, not others.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">6 - Look into counselling which is right for me.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">7 - More open with close friends about my recovery.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">8 - Cull some of my social group which are dysfunctional/bad for me.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">9 - More time with kids.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2px;">10 - Be nice to myself (I added here, in sub-text, and not talk to myself like I'm an idiot).</span><br />
<br />
<br />
So where did I get (OCT)<br />
<br />
1 - YUP no drinking<br />
2 - A bit more open I'm learning to trust him. Not full disclosure though.<br />
3 - Been a bit crap at this with work.<br />
4 - Didn't bother. Whoops.<br />
5 - Better at this but still let my boundaries become second to others needs.<br />
6 - Did this and now on the list for someone who sounds a bit more up my street.<br />
7 - Not done this - but not had much time with friends.<br />
8 - Have let some invites for coffees slip - its a start.<br />
9 - More time with kids when I can. Getting less scared at touching base and saying hey fancy catching up.<br />
10 - Work in Progress.<br />
<br />
See I'm only human after all, some done, some not so I'm clearly human......sober but human.<br />
<br />
Happy Monday folks.<br />
<br />
I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.Daisy Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06655799879447853508noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8816666332655403098.post-28430014979867920282015-10-25T03:12:00.002-07:002015-10-25T03:15:15.185-07:00Fractured<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hey its the weekend - a time for routines to get crazy disrupted. I'm OK with that, its my day time week time life I'm trying to get a bit more structure in so I can free style it more at the weekends and not give myself a hard time.<br />
<br />
Friday night came and went without much more than a takeaway and some telly. Early to bed meant I was awake at 1am and slept around three. I'm not liking this disrupted sleep much.<br />
<br />
Yesterday was a very odd day - I went to see one of my family who's broken a leg. I wrapped it up in dropping off a few household things her family would find useful. Expecting to be in and out like a veritable emotionally challenged ninja I was floored when after an hour or so of pleasantaries my sister asked if we'd like to go out for some food. I was expecting to leave. We have little communication and little in common. I bailed at 16 years old out of a life that was just too violent and loud for my delicate soul. Being the oldest I guess I had always felt a bit guilty for leaving them there but sometimes in life, every man for herself is all you can do.<br />
<br />
We had a nice day - there I said it, it was nice. Odd, a bit emotional but nice. A bit too much connection with my old life emotionally for me it left me very drained. Most of my family's life is the same as the one I bailed out from. Although the familiarity did little to comfort me. Its left me feeling very fractured and guilty for my own choices. Guilty as in could I have done more, but not enough to have actually done anything it would seem. But I'm here now and its a new day.<br />
<br />
Very strange being in a pub - I don't go in them. I had a twinge of 'should I drink to keep her company ??????' more out of needing to fit in than not. But, I just had a tonic and that was fine. No judgement.<br />
<br />
What was enraging for me (and pretty enlightening) is that my sibling has a broken leg in two places, just had surgery and is now managing alone in a flat two stories up. She lives alone. Her grown up kids are making sure she's OK. Since she hurt herself I've been touching base a bit with her, and finally got up the courage to go and see her. The fact that my mother hadn't bothered to call or pop over at all after my sister had called and told her she'd broken her leg and needed an operation.<br />
<br />
Not even called, not once.<br />
<br />
Now I can be livid about that even if I don't know how to react to my mothers treatment of me.<br />
<br />
Family feels so fractured. That family anyway. My life is now very different and for that I'm truly grateful. Even if I am a little guilty. I've promised myself as part of my new me, new life, new sober life, I'll try and be a better sibling. Might let me heal a bit too.Daisy Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06655799879447853508noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8816666332655403098.post-38846816989058744302015-10-23T00:49:00.002-07:002015-10-23T00:55:30.139-07:00Normal?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://images.sodahead.com/polls/004766010/419107518_hello_my_name_is_normal_xlarge.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://images.sodahead.com/polls/004766010/419107518_hello_my_name_is_normal_xlarge.jpeg" height="224" width="320" /></a></div>
Crazy crap nights sleep again. Getting to bed early enough but just disturbed sleep. There's a few things going on at home that have been unsettling. Maybe this is just normal stuff going on? I retreated the spare room, leaving my lovely bed and its snoring contents to itself and listened to Belle for a couple of hours.<br />
<br />
I did think about Lucy's comment about the SMART groups routine, I've been struggling to go. I really must be more vigilant. And, I'm also at my 3 month review of my 'action plan' part of which was being more open about being sober, disclosing more. I can honestly say I'm not ready to do that yet and I don't know if I will ever be. And, having thought it through I'm OK with that for now.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://cauldronsandcupcakes.files.wordpress.com/2015/02/sisyphus-1008ww.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="205" src="https://cauldronsandcupcakes.files.wordpress.com/2015/02/sisyphus-1008ww.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Just don't call me sisyphus - Image gapingvoid.com/nz</td></tr>
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<br />
No point in pushing rocks up hill if you don't have to. I'm just not ready. I'm more open with husband but aside that this sober stuff is my business. A tad defensive maybe but its a process right?<br />
<br />
I had a look back on this time last year. The weather is changing and the stove in the kitchen flickers away in the mornings. It reminds me of the safety of being newly sober and starting to find the sober community. Interesting looking back on the early days.<br />
<br />
This time last year.....<a href="http://thesobergirlwifeandmum.blogspot.co.uk/2014/10/day-18-sober-hour.html">HERE</a><br />
<br />Daisy Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06655799879447853508noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8816666332655403098.post-33728410488555960762015-10-22T11:12:00.001-07:002015-10-22T11:15:25.617-07:00Curlers.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So we made it through the night, only waking at around 5am, no dreams. </div>
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Interesting. Did I need to blurt to the world my hate of routines and scary reoccurring dreams of being bladdered?</div>
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I went to bed in curlers, yes curlers. I have crazy long hair and whilst working through a craving last night I thought - curlers you can't buy wine with curlers in. So there we are. I had my pjs on by 9pm and curlers in by 9.30 - and knowing me as you do, I am mainly a tom-boy so it was very amusing for my husband. Mrs D recently wrote a blog about surfing the urge, so I surfed mine in curlers. Keeping busy and not giving into an urge. Its something we learn at SMART at my meeting so it was nice to hear her perspective on it. Nice one Mrs D! Link to that post <a href="http://www.livingsober.org.nz/urge-surfing/">here</a>.</div>
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So I breezed into work today looking like some kind of mad crazy woman, curls and all but well rested. More crystal tips then Julia Roberts but you get the idea.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Crystal Tips - I've always wanted purple hair.</td></tr>
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I took heart this morning and cut myself some slack. The morning routine was helpful. If I'm honest. Having been raised solely by wolves with a serious lack of parenting when little, living in abject sqallour with my parent in bed drinking coffee, smoking and reading romantic fiction, I'm not sure how routines develop. However having made up most of my parenting (non smoking, non bed-sitting, coffee drinking but actually paying attention to my kids) I figure my routines are all out of sink as I've no one to do them for anymore.</div>
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A bit like having no reason to be sober as they've left home [insert miserable empty nest]. However, I now realise being sober for me is the only way forward.</div>
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So I'll set the alarm for tomorrow and hope for a better nights sleep again. As for the routine, I can almost find myself talking out of doing it in any order as long as it gets done but there is a logic to it.</div>
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Of course I had to look online to see what I'd promised as I'd actually not written it down and being a scatterbrain I didn't expect to remember it all anyway. So instantly I logged into your nice comments. Thank you. I'll try again tomorrow.</div>
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Probably no curlers tonight, just in case you were wondering. Best not peak too early. </div>
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Sober girl over and out.</div>
Daisy Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06655799879447853508noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8816666332655403098.post-68641999324590389792015-10-21T12:17:00.001-07:002015-10-21T12:17:18.373-07:00Routines<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I've been having the most god awful brain curdling sweaty waking up in the middle of the night dreams about benders. I don't know why. I wake every night, like when I was drinking at around 3-4am in an utter panic, its like living in my own version of a bad B movie. The places change, the faces change but the overriding theme is about drinking, getting drunker than I have ever in my life and then being an utter idiot. Hurting my husband, hurting my family as they all watch and I think they can't see or hear me. Its really got me rattled. Like really fingers in ears frantically reading anything online to get back to sleep rattled. I've even got up and looked for bottles, 'have I hid them well enough', when can I take them away, making all sorts of crazy elaborate plans in my head for making sure that it wasn't this time I was caught.<br />
<br />
I'm about demented. I'm NOT drinking, but I'm in a mess. I'm knackered at work, I'm off with my friends and husband and I'm in full 'under a rock mode' nothing to see here, leave me be.<br />
<br />
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<br />
I've also not been writing, not been cleaning, not been really doing anything aside assassinate my character (a job I like to leave for 4am, sweaty and lunatical) and trying to fathom what on earth is going on. I've ditched reading all but one or two blogs.<br />
<br />
I'm really not good at routines. Now, I've pondered this at length. And something brought it to light totally non sober related. Totally randomly my dog who's always been OK with feeding on demand had a mini-melt down and advice from those who know was to feed him twice a day at the same time every day. Take the food away after, only leave fresh water. Now that's only TWO things to do. And yet, every single day I've done it but its been a real struggle. I'm just not any good at routines. Even small daily ones. Yes I brush my teeth when I should, but usually enroute to something else, definitely not at the same time everyday and definitely NOT in the same room/doing the same chore, etc.<br />
<br />
I just seem to have a 'fuck it' attitude to routines. I don't set an alarm, never have, I'm horrific to wake up so I just go with the 'meh, I'll get up before work when I do, no biggie'.<br />
<br />
Recently I tried to do some fly-lady (now don't laugh) she's a house keeping guru from America who has helped lots of folks get rid of the 'chaos' in their homes/minds by small routines which take less than 15 minutes to establish change. So I started with great gusto as I do, and although I couldn't do everything she suggested I did try and follow it 'MY WAY' - you know as and when I pleased. Which was for me a bit of an eyeopener, a bit like the dog feeding. The one routine she insists on is cleaning your sink every night and putting out a fresh tea towel. Well, I've done that now and again, mostly thinking how crazy it is. But kind of getting it too. I have a demented mind wrestle with myself every evening.<br />
<br />
Yes you are still reading a sober blog. Really. And I guess if I'm wrestling about a small routine that isn't drinking, maybe its not that bad.<br />
<br />
So to begin with the new <strike>shonky do it as you feel like it</strike> routines I'd sorted for myself seem to be making a difference but I was still doing them 'FREE STYLE' in my own little ways, as I do. As you can imagine, as time plodded by they've gone to shit as well. I still do some of them but kind of as I please. I do like to rebel.<br />
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Until stopping drinking, I'd never really realised how much of my life has no fundamental routine to it. I like to think of myself as free spirited (no pun intended) but in reality I seem to flitter about in my own version of reality doing as I please.<br />
<br />
Yes I'll have the good bits please and won't do those tiresome things. THANK YOU. Yup, that's me.<br />
<br />
So, the sober stuff has slipped, and whilst I'm still sober - I'm dreaming of that perfect glass of wine before dinner. You know that one that never leads to any more. Doesn't lead to the scenes of the horrific dreams I've been having of major benders in front of the family and the rellies.<br />
<br />
I think maybe (and I just get this as I write) my sub-conscious is trying to freak the crap out of me by playing my 'dream bender' over and over again like a warning.<br />
<br />
So I'm torn between letting my free spirited self just find her feet or imposing some kind of crazy set an alarm kind of daily <u><strike>routine</strike></u> boot camp. You see the mention of setting a routine and I'm assuming its boot camp. And its not fair and I don't want to do it.<br />
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So from tomorrow, and I'm making this up as I type I will set an alarm. I will get up at 7am and I will follow a routine. {I'm already huffing}<br />
<br />
7am up<br />
Coffee and Hounds/Chickens 7.15<br />
Dressed 7.30<br />
Internet time - 15 minutes of sober living, blogs, emails/15 minutes of work/15 minutes of leisure<br />
Breakfast 8.15<br />
More internet - as above 8.30 but only half hour (no work) 15/15 leisure/sober<br />
Sort laundry + Do 15 mins of flylady<br />
Walk dogs 9.15<br />
Pack bag for work, gather clobber<br />
Go to work at 9.30<br />
<br />
I need to work out a 'get home' routine but I'm too overwhelmed to do that now.<br />
<br />
I know perhaps this seems crazy but I need to get this crazy head to stop its crazy stuff. Maybe trying to have a routine will make me start to feel calmer.<br />
<br />
Or like a human robot?<br />
<br />
You see you get sober and your brain goes bad ass crazy on you pointing out what an utter chaotic soul you really are.<br />
<br />
And yes this all really started by trying to clear my sink every night and feed the dog to order, twice a day. And yes despite myself I'm still sober and the house is a bit less chaotic. So something is clearly working, its just not working enough for my brain to switch off at bedtime.<br />
<br />
I hereby pledge to do this routine for a week (I'm already groaning) and post everyday.<br />
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I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.Daisy Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06655799879447853508noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8816666332655403098.post-51237589229883614312015-10-05T01:21:00.002-07:002015-10-05T01:21:56.612-07:00Another Monday morning.Two and a bit weeks ago, perhaps longer, I dropped my phone and it smashed to smithereens. Ironically it had been on a walk with my husband and I was talking about the phone was really stressing me out and that I wish I didn't have one. The kids are bigger, and largely great alone, if anything its me who likes to get in touch with them, I can do that from home. The universe, it seems, took care of that one for me. Yes I have insurance, no I didn't get it fixed. When I'm at home, it doesn't work. When I'm at work, it doesn't work unless I run up the hill and walk along a bit of a lane and hold it up high. When you're trying to focus and be 'in the moment' at work, its not very useful. However, when I'm driving it sometimes works. And a bit like drinking and driving I always told myself I'd never use my phone when driving. But if that's a time it works, well you can tell how that went. So the feeling of always needing to be connected, ironically was stressing me out completely.<br />
<br />
Its like the phone flung itself out of my hands and languished on the tarmac, just to help. If I'm totally honest, I've not missed it. Its driving my husband and my best friend crazy. Kids have adjusted and message me online or phone the land line. Husband is still going crazy. He likes to be in touch at all times, I get that, but I'm not as desk based as he is daily and its a distraction that makes me unfocussed and a bit crazy, you know, just 'checking in'.<br />
<br />
The lack of ability to check in on sober lands when working, has been a challenge. And, if I'm totally honest stressful. I know I SHOULD check in daily, I read some sober blogs at breakfast time when munching bran flakes and reading work emails, I do the same at night. If I'm honest at the moment, I've not got much to say, I'm still in 'REBOOT' mode, but I'm imbibing and thinking what others are saying. But, somehow not being connected all day has been crazy stressful for me. So when the phone took my life into its own hands and somersaulted to freedom, I've felt kind of free.<br />
<br />
My husband has the work office number if anything really goes wrong.<br />
<br />
I've discovered I can check in at lunch for 15 mins on my tablet if I actually take some lunch and sit near the work wifi, which is thankfully not near my own working area. Obsessive compulsive moi, never. And, I don't take my tablet every day, I'm just not that structured.<br />
<br />
I've made old fashioned arrangements with folks and said, I'll be there at 1pm, no phone, see you there. And folks have adjusted.<br />
<br />
Call the house, I say. I'll be home after 4.30pm. No you can't get me earlier. Or email me.<br />
<br />
What I'm beginning to realise is that to be loved, relied on, focussed I don't need to be 'here' for everyone in my life 24hours a day, 7 days a week. That's a biggie for me. Its reducing my stress levels and I'm OK with the quiet. I'm OK with my own company. Sure I love you all, but not being connected endlessly/always is better for me right now. That might change.<br />
<br />
I found my diary from a year ago. You see today is my one year and one day minus one day = 366 sober days - minus one glass of wine + a sober day = 365 days. In a year I've not been drunk. I've not spewed nonsense to my husband and family. I've been totally here. Who guessed that could happen.<br />
<br />
So a year ago I took to my bed, found sober blogs, moved to the living room sofa bed and just did a 'John and Yoko' and stayed in bed until I could face the world. And I had a few false starts. Story of my life. I started it <a href="http://thesobergirlwifeandmum.blogspot.co.uk/2014/10/day-1-sober-again-but-for-how-long.html">here</a>, false start and all.<br />
<br />
I was tidying up, yes really, the other day and came across a diary from a while back.......here's something from one of my million day ones.............<br />
<br />
<i>Why do I do it? Here we are again. Started the day as always by hiding the bottles from under the sofa (classy chick) and putting them in the recycling before my daughter sees. Shit two bottles. And it looks like the kitchen has been invaded or I made some kind of midnight snack, god. Spoke to pal last night, man it was late, must text today to see how much of an idiot I made of myself. Lemsip for breakfast, gets the drugs in quicker and a bottle of high energy drink in the car on the way to work. Made myself shower today and use the really smelly conditioner as I really don't want to reek of wine at work I'm teaching at 9am. Oh god who thought teaching at that time was a good idea. Only have to last until lunchtime, then I have a thesis meeting in the afternoon. Bah. Knew today was a big day. Shit.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>More later.......</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Meeting sucked. They hated my new structure, teaching was OK, but didn't really enjoy it, too early. Why do I do this, drink on a school night?? Daughter texted to say orchestra is on tonight instead of tomorrow she'll need a lift. Bollocks. I'm so bloody tired. I guess it will help not drinking, I'm trying to cut down. Forgot to send my sons stuff to uni, will do it tomorrow or I'll email it later, he'll understand. Whoops. I don't have anything sorted for dinner, better go shopping before I get home. Anyway its been a really long shitty day, I guess that if I got some wine, I don't have to drink it all, but I'll only get one bottle. I'll go home and have tea, take her in and wait in office, do more work on thesis and try and catch up before I teach again tonight. At least the journey is worthwhile as we're both out.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>And later.....</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>People always want to stay late at my class, grr. I do like teaching but I've got stuff to do. (wine o clock people) Got really grumpy waiting for daughter after orchestra its supposed to be done at 9pm and it went on til 9.30. Snapped a bit. Why can't she ever be out on time? Home in a total grump. She went up to bed, I went into wine stealth mode (chardonnay in a pretty cup, isn't really that bad). Several missed calls from other half (left phone in car), who's away for work totally forgot to tell him I was going out and he forgot I was teaching tonight. Bah. Texted him late, was too late to phone and I'd already had wine.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>And later.....</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Slept on the sofa again. forgot to walk dog. Up to bed at gone 4am. Lights on, telly on, phone on, oh god who did I message? Shit, kitchen is a mess. Tidied it before I went up had pain killers and water. No clothes done for tomorrow, sure it will be OK. What a crap day. I'll set the alarm for an hour later, should still get to work ok. No teaching early. I said I'd help a colleague with something but hey, they'll manage I'm sure. I can help later. We didn't say a time. And, we've got drinks after work, so I'll buy her a glass of wine. Must organise a lift home. Monday's are a killer.</i><br />
<br />
Thankfully I'm not in that life any more. I'm struggling in this one but man, I regret the lack of empathy for my students, my partner and my kids. I've always considered I've done my best and above and beyond for all of us. But, reading back some of my diaries, I just swam through the chaos and poured wine on my head which wasn't coping.<br />
<br />
Hugs and sober love.<br />
<br />
I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.Daisy Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06655799879447853508noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8816666332655403098.post-642327338597814142015-09-14T09:57:00.000-07:002015-09-14T09:57:13.440-07:00Talking violently to yourself.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hey there. Yes I am alive. And sober. But, locked in a far away land fighting to the death with wolfie who's turned up all 'bad super villain' on my ass. He's quite unwelcome, I have to tell you. I'm wondering sometimes (in a very sorry for myself voice) why this has to be so bloody hard sometimes.<br />
<br />
I'm almost at a year minus the day I drank on my birthday.<br />
<br />
My internal head is locked in a fierce monologue of how utterly crap I am as a human being. And, just as I think the voices can't be calmed the lovely Lucy from <a href="http://ahangoverfreelife.com/">A Hangover Free Life</a> sends me a link which has tears running down my chops.<br />
<br />
Yes I talk to myself very violently, its my internal voice and it really needs to change. I'd stopped all forms of counselling when I started way back last year it just seemed too much. But, now I'm thinking perhaps its time to find some professional help.<br />
<br />
I treat myself very violently as my verbal inner voice. Its all I really know. But I'm willing to learn.<br />
<br />
After a weekend of crazy family stuff, and feeling yet again invisible in some of the company I was in, rather than do my usual 'zone out' I've given myself a frenzied inner flogging.<br />
<br />
You know because its really my fault when people see right through me as if I'm made of tissue paper. Take this weekend.........<br />
<br />
<i>Did you know Miss Daisy did XYZ and she flew in a hercules once - (and some of it is amazing, even if I say so myself) said my partner to some of his family trying to include me in the conversation for the gazzilionth time.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Reply - 'do you think the others are home yet how long have they been driving?' came from his family.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Yes my husband replied directly to me, I am married to the invisible woman.</i><br />
<br />
At least we can laugh about it, for a while until the voices in my head make it all about how awful I am. Which is of course why I am invisible.<br />
<br />
I think its about time for some therapy. Cos, I know that you lot think I'm OK and all of you rock.<br />
<br />
I guess the moral of the story is, until I can be nice to myself internally, I'm always going to be battling. Could this be PAWS?<br />
<br />
Like I said I think its about time for a stepped up programme of self love.<br />
<br />
Wonder if I can buy it in bulk? I think to be safe I need the industrial strength, large bottled version.<br />
<br />
Thanks for bearing with me and reaching out to me even when I'm quiet sober warriors.<br />
<br />
I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.Daisy Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06655799879447853508noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8816666332655403098.post-42194299539379432042015-08-21T10:58:00.003-07:002015-08-21T10:58:51.680-07:00A Functional Drinker.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirKmA8APy6MKAdJBsEAL3TFuEjg4NoivLROZlPCafHou_XLpJNI3MbLfOREqDCGTN894ar6B0hNo5gtXBO4ui86qknqygbxynj64xVUKWZZ7FVgJ0M2rx87SZEVsfzM76dkbwplhPr3Kni/s1600/processo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirKmA8APy6MKAdJBsEAL3TFuEjg4NoivLROZlPCafHou_XLpJNI3MbLfOREqDCGTN894ar6B0hNo5gtXBO4ui86qknqygbxynj64xVUKWZZ7FVgJ0M2rx87SZEVsfzM76dkbwplhPr3Kni/s320/processo.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Functional drinking is what I do. So a pint would have done nicely.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Its been a funny old week. We've been here and there at all sorts of things. There have been quite a few social things on. You know the kind that involve that alcohol stuff, or bars or both. BBQ's and weddings and friends visiting and tea in other peoples houses with alcohol. And, we've been given alcohol too. You know because giving folks this disgusting stuff is like some kind of weird social convention. Here have some poison. Cheers. Doh.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I've learnt something interesting this week. Whilst I'm often a bit muffled about my sober journey, my husband, who rarely drinks now, is like a breath of fresh air. When asked time after time after time after time at the wedding we were at last week, why he didn't drink, his reply was amazing.<br />
<br />
He sat and spoke to the minister at length about it all. You see, he told him, I'm a functional drinker, I drink to get DRUNK. End of story. I can drink one drink and then often I have to have 20. I get a thirst for it, he told him. These days I find life is too full and fun to have days of my life obliterated by lack of memories and hangovers. These days my preference is to drive home, for soft drinks and enjoy whatever my evening/day brings me. No planning on who's driving, no squabbles, no forgotten wallets and keys, no midnight kebabs, no rowdy rows just because. I don't function like that anymore. I've done my drinking. Drinking doesn't function for me anymore.<br />
<br />
This particular conversation started at the beginning of all the crazy social stuff. And, I watched with interest as he told pretty much the same thing to anyone who asked. There was a lot of raised eyebrows and 'what you don't drink ANYTHING?' several times.<br />
<br />
Yup, cheap date me, he winks.<br />
<br />
Conversations were at times fleeting, more times, in depth. But, no bolt of lightening struck him down, no floodlight lit up his speeches on his lack of alcohol intake. A few raised eyebrows that was it.<br />
<br />
The phrase 'functional drinker' has gone through my head several times since. Its just the correct phrase for my drinking. I drank to get drunk. I was a functional drinker. No point in a fancy glass of bubbles for me, I wanted a crate. Nothing elegant about that.<br />
<br />
He also had no shame, nor does he. He's quite proud of his efforts, as a 15-20 pints a night, get up and go to work the next day, he's pretty happy he's not there anymore.<br />
<br />
As the social events stacked up, I heard both myself and him tell folks, 'we don't drink thanks'.<br />
<br />
Things do change. Its not all scary.<br />
<br />
Aside the pasty BBQ sausages and the dodgy wedding tunes, now THEY are scary.<br />
<br />
I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.Daisy Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06655799879447853508noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8816666332655403098.post-31379114766126349472015-08-13T15:39:00.001-07:002015-08-13T15:39:38.454-07:00No sober voiceI don't appear to have much of a voice at the moment. And, not much of a sober one. I feel myself retreating into somewhere and I'm not sure where it is.<br />
<br />
I'm not drinking. That much I know. I'm not shirking my sober stance, nor shirking my sober chums, I feel in some ways like I'm in a retreat of my own making.<br />
<br />
But, I'm not sure where I am. I seem calmer in some ways. Life somehow seems less dramatic.<br />
<br />
It seems more manageable. Strangely it seems far more peaceful.<br />
<br />
100 new days sober since my birthday passed without celebration or I have to be honest even my noticing it. I think drinking that wine on my birthday threw me into a kind of no-mans-land.<br />
<br />
Don't get me wrong life's still not a bed of roses. But, its OK.<br />
<br />
I have had urges, some fleeting, some more scary. But, for once I seem to acknowledge that one won't be enough and then where does that leave me?<br />
<br />
Sober it would seem.<br />
<br />
Thank you all for asking about the job, I didn't get it. Nor have I been officially told. Yes that sucks, for the crappy communication but as for the job. Somehow I think whilst I would have been nice, its not right yet.<br />
<br />
In my surprise, a few days ago at my 'casual' work, I was offered the pick of full time or part-time work, they seem to like my commitment, passion and drive (their words not mine). I'm good with people I was told.<br />
<br />
ME?<br />
<br />
Anyhows I've plumped for a short day which suits me and a 4 day working week. I won't set the world on fire finacially but it means I have enough to get by and I'm close to home. The extra two hours a day I've asked for with my shorter hours seem to be taken up with tackling admin (life) and general day to day stuff. And I now have weekends off. Yay. More home family time.<br />
<br />
I was absolute when asked which day off I want. I chose Wednesdays. Its my group day. I've not been for a while and I really miss it. I think that I might find more balance and work towards some of those sober goals if I can prioritise.<br />
<br />
So hopefully my new routine which starts this week coming might find me with slightly more stable sober feet.<br />
<br />
I'm 'quite reflective this week, perhaps why I've been so quiet. I've talked to the kids a lot, some times at night, late, sometimes in the morning early. Always here, always sober.<br />
<br />
Husband is pretty busy with some work stuff, but we're carving out time for each other, even though its brief. But, there's no distractions of booze to hide from him with.<br />
<br />
So apologies if I'm quiet. For now I'm just quietly sober. Fighting my own little corner. I'm hoping I find my voice soon, not like me to be so reflective. But, I'm OK with it for now. Its new. Sometimes my head is actually still, just for the blink of an eye. That's very new.<br />
<br />
Hugs and sober love folks.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.Daisy Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06655799879447853508noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8816666332655403098.post-62746462408375929992015-08-06T01:15:00.004-07:002015-08-06T01:15:39.648-07:00LossInside I can feel myself drifting from all things sober. I know that I need to work at these things and still I arrange my newly up on my feet days of working around making sure I am efficient and getting plenty done.<br />
<br />
I've even started to do some 'fly lady' to get the house in shape. I'm decluttering which is making me feel better but I think I'm trying to do this.<br />
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<br />
So I opened my sober email today and read the blogs I love so much and thought, hmm don't drift. I think I'm on day 98 or 306 minus one day depending on where my head is.<br />
<br />
My children are both now the other side of the planet. Yes we have skype, yes there's face-time and various internet related communication methods of which I am very glad of. However this doesn't stop their physical presence being near enough to scoop them up in my arms.<br />
<br />
Loss, which I think is what I am feeling is blindingly hard. Being a single parent whilst filled which such responsibility and joy at being 'it' is also one of the lonelinest places I've ever been. And, given that we split up when the kids were 2 and 3 I guess I've been holidaying here for a long long time.<br />
<br />
Should be use to it by now? It would seem not.<br />
<br />
Instead of wallowing, which I assure you I am too, I seem to just be keeping super mega busy. I'm doing 40+ hours at work and whilst normally I'd be outside our wet summer means I'm more indoors.<br />
<br />
You'd think I'd learn to read a book or something. I guess I really should actually get some of Brene Browns stuff rather than thinking of it. Although to be fair I did go into the local book shop and they hadn't heard of her.<br />
<br />
Its also my mothers birthday. I've been having an on/off dialogue in my head about making an excuse to phone her.<br />
<br />
What I really want to say is 'I really miss my kids' - what I probably should say is 'why do I feel like an orphan, mother'.<br />
<br />
What I will more likely say if I get up the courage to phone is 'Happy Birthday Mum'.<br />
<br />
And talk about nothing until its uncomfortable enough for both of us to just remind each other how busy we are and ring off.<br />
<br />
Lots of loss today and this week in my head. I guess I'm starting to really deal with these feelings.<br />
<br />
Its a bag of shite. If I'm honest.<br />
<br />
I'm 47 and saying 'my mother doesn't get me'. It makes me angry that lack of any sort of emotional attachment we have/don't have.<br />
<br />
I know that I've changed it for my kids, that's a big amazing bonus, we generally tick along quite nicely. They know they are loved. Even if I'm not sure that I've ever been (by her, not by my friends/life). Its so confusing. I want to be angry but all I feel is that I'm too odd to love or done something appalling. Did I make it like this?<br />
<br />
At least I'm not dulling the loss this year with the kids away and the awkward birthday wishes.<br />
<br />
I'm proud I'm not drinking and that is a blessing, like I've said before just makes a bad situation worse.<br />
<br />
I'm going to plan to do something nice later. There you are I said it.<br />
<br />
Thank you for listening to this whine-a-thon!<br />
<br />
Hugs and sober love. Have a great day.<br />
<br />Daisy Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06655799879447853508noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8816666332655403098.post-25905103786767917712015-08-01T01:47:00.002-07:002015-08-01T01:47:42.460-07:00I found a bottle<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So a couple of days ago I found an old stashed bottle, empty of course. What a mixture of emotions came flooding into my body and hit me like a tidal wave. Mostly shock, I was really expecting dust bunnies, not empty Merlot........<br />
<br />
Shame, fear, regret, disgust, loathing, shock. What if someone else had found the bottle under the sofa. Of course I could have laughed it off and said wow that must have been there from Xmas or something like that or before. But, mainly all I felt was shame and sadness at my own instant excuses. Everything in my head I blamed on myself. Everything that came out of my mouth I blamed on other people. Was it always like that when I drank?<br />
<br />
Was I always the first to point the finger or criticise. Probably if I'm honest it was. Nothing was my fault. I was always a victim.<br />
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It took a whole five or ten minutes for the panic to subside and I could actually deal with the in-offensive empty bottle who's only crime was really that it needed recycled.<br />
<br />
As I write this the panic I felt finding the bottle, (are there more discarded around the house?) is still with me. Such shame.<br />
<br />
Funny how when faced with reminders of who we once were, we only see the bad things. It took me hours to actually think, wait a minute. I don't do that anymore.<br />
<br />
Panic over.<br />
<br />
I'm still working just a little over full-time, which is only over the 'summer' months, things should settle after. Being self-employed means that sometimes you really do have to make hay whilst the sun shines to fulfill obligations. It really eats at my sober time, and all of my other time. I'm mindful its not the long term solution but for now, I have to let some thing slip. Like dust bunnies.<br />
<br />
I still haven't heard from my interview for the scary proper job. B*****ds. But, oddly I'm still OK with that. A friend asked me what makes my heart sing, if its not a scary job but something else, focus on making that happen. I do love my work, although I loathe the unpredictability of self-employment.<br />
<br />
I need to learn to relax and/or put in place mechanisms to reassure me that the unpredictability is OK and that I'm working towards an over all plan.<br />
<br />
So I did a budget (I know me right?) and I worked out what I 'need' to earn. Yes, its crazy I haven't done this before. I am an intelligent, capable girl, I can even use a calculator. And, yet I hide.<br />
<br />
I also have been stressing about the 'paperwork' side of being self employed. Late tax returns, limited paperwork done on my behalf, all feeds my inner 'you're a mess woman' voice and I retreat.<br />
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I've slowly identified that its not self-employment I loathe so much, its my own ineptitude at consistently keeping paperwork and records. I think this is another 'life hangover' of drinking. I like the different work challenges, I like the variety, but I do need to be a bit more accountable to myself. And this will help with my confidence.<br />
<br />
Previously, I was too self involved to get much 'real life chores' done aside putting a facade on to the real world of how 'OK' I am and then getting through until wine-o-clock to blot out my world.<br />
<br />
So, having found the wine bottle I thought to myself, isn't it about time you started to sort out some other bits of life. Like how to settle into working self-employed and actually not crap yourself as you're not keeping proper records.<br />
<br />
Amazing within half an hour I'm slowing writing up this years earnings into a very simple and free spreadsheet supplied by a reputable firm and Mr Google.<br />
<br />
This year is at least currently up to date. My actual earnings aren't going to set the world on fire but are more than I had thought. I've still the mess of previous years to work on but I'll get there now that I've made a start.<br />
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Confessing to ineptitude in the land of your life admin, might not sound like much, but for me its part of the 'you can't even do this properly' song I sing to myself. Well no more will I sing it, I'm singing 'I'm trying, I'm trying'.<br />
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Being around drink at the weekend wasn't that easy although my hosts for one night were mindful as they know I've stopped drinking. There was also wine at lunch which was offered by MIL several times to which I poffered my seemingly 'offensive' beetroot juice back.<br />
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NO, TRY IT YOU'LL LOVE IT. MUCH NICER THAN WINE.<br />
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No takers, funny that. And, every time glasses were topped up and I was offered wine again. I just rattled the carton and asked......<br />
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ARE YOU SURE ITS YUMMY!<br />
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<i>Why do you keep offering that revolting juice?</i> [Says certain members of the family].<br />
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I was just wondering the same thing about the wine..............[I thought silently].<br />
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Small sober steps. Yes I will now wave my beetroot juice at you if you keep goading me. Deal with it people. And yes I wave my beetroot juice with pride. Its bloody lovely.<br />
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My son leaves on Sunday. I'm mindful that I need to up the sober treats for Sunday night/Monday and plan some 'together things' with my very patient husband.<br />
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Sober girl, slightly screwed up, signing off. Slow progress but progress all the same.<br />
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Have a lovely sober weekend folks.<br />
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I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.Daisy Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06655799879447853508noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8816666332655403098.post-15385283981857324342015-07-24T09:50:00.001-07:002015-07-24T09:50:52.806-07:00Sober rechargeAfter what seems to be the testing-week-from-hell.<div><br></div><div>I am here and I am sober. </div><div><br></div><div>I interviewed for a 'proper grown up' job today. Whilst I was bumbling, I was clear headed. I'll hear next week. My inner goblins tell me I'm too stupid for it, my inner voice tells them whatever the outcome, I have given it a shot.</div><div><br></div><div>Friends for dinner and a long weekend away next.</div><div><br></div><div>Sober Recharge much needed.</div><div><br></div><div>And sorry if I've been quiet.</div><div><br></div><div>Happy weekend folks.</div>Daisy Hhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06655799879447853508noreply@blogger.com6