Loss

Inside I can feel myself drifting from all things sober. I know that I need to work at these things and still I arrange my newly up on my feet days of working around making sure I am efficient and getting plenty done.

I've even started to do some 'fly lady' to get the house in shape. I'm decluttering which is making me feel better but I think I'm trying to do this.

So I opened my sober email today and read the blogs I love so much and thought, hmm don't drift. I think I'm on day 98 or 306 minus one day  depending on where my head is.

My children are both now the other side of the planet. Yes we have skype, yes there's face-time and various internet related communication methods of which I am very glad of. However this doesn't stop their physical presence being near enough to scoop them up in my arms.

Loss, which I think is what I am feeling is blindingly hard. Being a single parent whilst filled which such responsibility and joy at being 'it' is also one of the lonelinest places I've ever been. And, given that we split up when the kids were 2 and 3 I guess I've been holidaying here for a long long time.

Should be use to it by now? It would seem not.

Instead of wallowing, which I assure you I am too, I seem to just be keeping super mega busy. I'm doing 40+ hours at work and whilst normally I'd be outside our wet summer means I'm more indoors.

You'd think I'd learn to read a book or something. I guess I really should actually get some of Brene Browns stuff rather than thinking of it. Although to be fair I did go into the local book shop and they hadn't heard of her.

Its also my mothers birthday. I've been having an on/off dialogue in my head about making an excuse to phone her.

What I really want to say is 'I really miss my kids' - what I probably should say is 'why do I feel like an orphan, mother'.

What I will more likely say if I get up the courage to phone is 'Happy Birthday Mum'.

And talk about nothing until its uncomfortable enough for both of us to just remind each other how busy we are and ring off.

Lots of loss today and this week in my head. I guess I'm starting to really deal with these feelings.

Its a bag of shite. If I'm honest.

I'm 47 and saying 'my mother doesn't get me'. It makes me angry that lack of any sort of emotional attachment we have/don't have.

I know that I've changed it for my kids, that's a big amazing bonus, we generally tick along quite nicely. They know they are loved. Even if I'm not sure that I've ever been (by her, not by my friends/life). Its so confusing. I want to be angry but all I feel is that I'm too odd to love or done something appalling.  Did I make it like this?

At least I'm not dulling the loss this year with the kids away and the awkward birthday wishes.

I'm proud I'm not drinking and that is a blessing, like I've said before just makes a bad situation worse.

I'm going to plan to do something nice later. There you are I said it.

Thank you for listening to this whine-a-thon!

Hugs and sober love. Have a great day.