Changes and teaspoons.

Its funny when I think about it. Being sober won't change me I thought to myself I'm only losing the booze. Hmm. A bit like a new parent who's life will NEVER change after having a baby, things are very different.

I think for a while now whilst I've been in what feels like 'serious reboot' I've known something is afoot. However I didn't expect that things were really changing. But they seem to be.

Yes still sober. I've had opportunities thrust upon me to drink lately and somehow remarkably sidestepped them.

I've even drunk apple juice from a wine glass and pretended. Yes that's sad. I know don't judge me I am just not ready to come out to everyone. And certainly not drunken (family) strangers in my own house. Sometimes its easier to lick their teaspoon and smile whilst stirring their tea than actually have a fight about things. Especially booze. My husband knew it was juice too and just went with it.

So I'm sober but seem to be emerging from somewhere old into somewhere new. But, I'm not sure where.

I even had a stand up for myself row with my loved ones about my lack of phone. I listened, heard their points and rather than just feel grumpy and bludgeoned I actually said 'Don't push me on this or I will never have one again. Let me do this in my own time, right now I need to disconnect and reboot'. 

I now have a phone, its in the car, and its not connected to the internet. I use it for travelling at my family's insistence. I can see that point. They're taking on board I don't want to be connected to the universe every single second and they have my office number.

You see whilst I'm quite happy to stand up for myself sometimes, even about the smaller things, often or not I'm more of a 'lick your teaspoon' and smile kind of girl. But that's changing too.

Tea anyone.....I'll get you a clean spoon xx

Coming at you like a Sober Dodo

How to kill a conversation stone dead. Like dodo dodo dead.

Me - Hey look I treated myself to a fitbit thingmy - trying to get a bit fitter.

Friend - Great - wow its ace how do you use it, why did you get it?

Me - Well guess what its a year and a bit since I stopped drinking and I just thought I deserved a treat. I'm feeling much better and thought I'd keep going.

Silence.

From someone who dissects the minutia of our lives normally, silence was as roaring as a charging bull.

More silence. For once I did not offer excuses or did I retrench, I just lent into the silence, waiting for a response. My time to talk and explain, share, confess and really be honest.

Nothing.

Unsurprisingly perhaps, a complete change of topic enchewed. I almost checked my watch to make sure I wasn't in some space time anomaly, which you know happens often in the park. However no Tardis in view. Seems time is perfectly fine.

No darling girl, this isn't going away. But, I'll wait and talk about it when you're ready. I'm already here.

Bit of a monumental one for me. Sad about the Tardis but amazed at my small courage.

Happy sober day. New routine seems to be helping. Thanks for all the cheering from the sidelines.