Day 139 - And then there's worry

Hey well I'm squirming writing this and my hands are shaking but I guess if I get it out of my head perhaps I won't keep obsessing about it.  So the kids are coming home this weekend probably for the first time in this house, both together. Sure they've been here separately but whilst my son has been challenging in the past, he's just so easy now and I'm proud to call him son and friend. I know its always trite when I read things like that. But, seriously he's one of my favourite people in the universe. Now that's not to say my daughter isn't but things have been far from easy between us for a while now, came to a head in the summer. Rather than tackle it full on, I gave her space and took to my drinking with gusto to block out the pain. She took herself off to New Zealand and I licked my wounds in my drinking lair with my Wine Wolf for company and my drinking got worse and hit a low, as bad as its ever been. We've not had a row, its just been that kind of festering silence that makes my paranoia about being a bad parent reach epic proportions. 

So we've a kind of truce now, which was agreed a few weeks ago. I've still no real idea why she got so angry with me, but things I hope are healing a bit. Hence the weekend home, as a family. I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm happy, I'm scared, I'm everything rolled into one. And, whilst its maybe hard to write, I know this is because I don't want to get hurt again. I know I am the parent and the bigger person but when your child rejects you and seems to have such anger towards you, whether  you know why or not, it hurts like stink. So my hearts a bit cautious whilst my head is telling me, you're the parent, just open your arms and relax. Welcome them into the fold.

I've also got this huge voice in my head that's telling me drinking is how you coped with the children.

There you are, I've said it.

That shitty voice in my head is telling me, this situation might be hard. Just drink. They never noticed you drank before, just drink. Its like a slap in the face. I think my own personal Wolfie is trying to tell me that my children are a trigger for me.

Like I said, I'm not proud of saying it, but that's what the voice in my head has been saying all day.

When I was calmer earlier in the week, thinking of their arrival, I thought about whether or not to buy alcohol  for the weekend. Not much you understand, and not for me. More like a few ciders and beers in case they want some with the takeaway we've planned for tonight. Truth be told, it made me quite uncomfortable. I'm not sure I want to buy alcohol for anyone, let alone my kids. Even if they are 18 and 20. So I compromised and bought some alcohol free ciders and beers, some shandy and some wine, some lovely juices and some nice fizzy soft drinks, you know, the treaty kind.

I don't want to buy alcohol so the fridge is stocked with these treats and some of their favourite foods. So there's also no temptation for me either.

But, my hands are shaking and my nerves a bit on edge. The Wine Wolf inside my head is telling me that they didn't know you drank, so why not. Its a celebration weekend, so why not drink, just this weekend, start again on Monday. 

But, I know for me, if I drank now, I'd have a weekend full of paranoia and regret. And really what I want is a weekend of fun and love and sharing time together.

Drinking now will take that away from me.

I know these overwhelming, will it be OK, what if we don't get on, what do I do if she rejects me again, in my sober sanctuary. 

These I'm beginning to understand are irrational thoughts.

I'm sure we'll all be a bit nervous but we'll settle in.

Drinking won't make it better, it will leave me filled with regret, paranoia and remorse.

These thoughts will pass.

I guess its just letting folks, however much I love them, into my sober sanctuary, for the weekend, whilst its wonderful, is a bit scary.

As for Wolfie trying to convince me my kids and spending time with them is a trigger. Well, nice try but if the worse comes to the worst I'll have a long bath later and buy myself a ridiculus sober treat tomorrow. I'm anxious and a bit nervous, that's natural after things have been a bit tricky. And I have to stay sober tonight and enjoy it, enjoy their company and be sober. I've too much to lose.

Because tomorrow I'll wake up with my kids and husband and so much love, under my sober roof and celebrate (silently) 140 days sober.

Tonights mantra is: tomorrow I'm 140 days sober. Just relax and get the nerves out the way and enjoy the children here. I don't need to drink to do that despite what Wolfie tells me. What a maniac that bloody wolf is. '