So hello! I'm back and all in one piece. I've taken some time yesterday to adjust to life back home and after I waved my friend off in the morning decided to dive straight into work and then straight into some garden time yesterday. What a long time its been since I had anytime on my own. A whole 13 days to be precise. Which, to have someone in your space drinking is, I have to say, just too much. But, I'm learning. And, I'd like to say thank you for your comments, I'll get to them as soon as I can, I got a bit humbled by your kind thoughts so thank you. I'm certainly going to reply, it may take a bit of time, but I know I'll get there. A bit like this winter aconite up here, just out in the garden, I feel like this is all very new and exciting.
So I thought I'd have some sober revelations about being away. I'm not sure that I do. What I did find that it was very easy to slip back into making everyone else in my life comfortable, taking care of myself last. Its easy to take a back seat and care for others. I'm not saying that is wrong but it does lead to tiredness and overwhelm if you don't take time to look after you. Just saying. Its the old self care thing. Over and over, eh?
What I am finding is that my tolerance for bullshit and whining is zero. Well, that's not fair, its almost zero. And, my tolerance for folks being selfish and bossy is also nearing zero. Does that mean as a sober person my boundaries are changing and I've started to speak my mind a bit more? I'm not sure. I just know I have limited tolerance for stupidness, whining and moaning. Of which there was a fair amount on holiday.
Here's what I did notice, I've no issue with folks around me drinking in public, in a cafe or a bar. In fact, I think it is for them to choose. What I do seem to have issue with is MY kind of drinking. The selfish kind. The kind that sees you nestling a glass like its your life-matter, like its your heart, except its pumping alcohol into your body. The one handed life that clutches a glass on the sofa and doesn't really move, aside to fill it. The selfish, 'me time' that lasts all evening and often well into the next day. That's my kind of drinking and its the kind that makes my skin crawl now.
And, it makes me angry. I'm not sure why. Am I angry because I can't drink like that anymore?
Its confusing.
I genuinely don't mind when my friend drinks in the bar, I mind massively when she buys bottles and puts them in my fridge and sits nestling a wine glass in the house, in the crook of her arm or clutched in her hand. All night, until every last drop is drunk.
Do I miss it, I'm not sure. I certainly don't miss how much it messed up my head each day for two hours of 'brain shut down'. But, man it makes me angry.
Talk about sending out mixed messages to my friend. Yes, I don't mind if you drink in a bar, but not in my house, not on my sofa and not in my space.
I guess I think bar/pub drinking is a bit more restricted and responsible? Which of course isn't true. But, its just the drinking in the house bit that really twangs my buttons.
I guess in some way I'm jealous that I can't drink like that anymore. Or is it that I know how selfish it is? Who knows. Or maybe I'm just angry. Who knows.
So I'm home now, I've sent the chums home, and waved them off til March (hopefully) and survived. I'm beginning to see how much time is wasted post-drinking, and excuse the pun, but I've no time for it. Time is precious and I don't want my time wasted by it. I'm also seeing how selfish 'drinkers' can be. And, how much its needed, even if they don't think they have a problem. But, if its the first thing they buy in the supermarket when they arrive, perhaps they're not as 'normal' as they think they are.
Its what I use to do. Before any other decisions were made, make sure you know where your wine is coming from. Where you'll get the next lot. Its very nice not to be under that incessant need. I think I'm looking forward to spring emerging, maybe there will be more surprising changes too for me.
Hugs!
I'm glad you're home! You did it! I am always so tired following a vacation but that is probably in part due to the heavy drinking. I'll be going away in March and am looking forward to trying it differently. I can also relate to a lot of your (mixed) feelings about drinking...can be confusing.
ReplyDeleteVery confusing! But thank you I'm glad I'm home too. Although my house needs a clean after a pristine apartment in the alps, my house looks a bit lacking of love.
DeleteGood luck with your forthcoming holiday, planning seems to be the key. xx Off anywhere nice?
Each time I watched troubled drunks or thoughtless heavy drinkers in early sobriety, it was like staring into a mirror and seeing myself. And I wasn't sure if I wanted to be able to just brush aside responsibilities and escape along with them, or if I hated the reminder of who I had been.
ReplyDeleteAnd then it got easier because I stopped feeling I had to look after them or rescue them or take care of everyone else. And I began enjoying myself without needing to be drunk.
You're doing so well.
Mary that's the perfect explaination isn't it - a mirror and an ugly one at that which if pressed I dont think I'd be able to say one way or the other which way I'd jump.
DeleteI wonder if I do feel like I have to look after them or (and I'm ashamed to say this) if I'm judging them with my new sober eyes thinking, man why do you do that to yourself, you could be so much happier without the booze.
I know I make allowances for those around me drinking and I'm sensitive to how they'll be feeling the next day. So I take on more.
Must deal with that somehow.
You wrote that you're not sure you had any sober revelations, but it sounds like you did! I understand you feeling angry, and I don't think you're sending mixed messages to your friend: if you don't want alcohol in your house, or your space, that's your right. And that "old self care thing" can be repeated as many times as necessary! So happy you are "emerging" Lori K xx
ReplyDeleteLori K we've discussed it at home, the hubby and I can we have a booze free house. It seems to be quite a crazy notion but why not. And are there exceptions,,,,,,lots to ponder thank you! x
DeleteHi. I hear you. I hardly coped with ten days of being around boozers so 13 is impressive! Its very hard and i appreciate everything u say. Angry proud pissed off confused jealous yeah all that. WELL DONE TO YOU
ReplyDeleteLISA
WWW.THECWORD-COMPASSION.COM
Thanks Lisa you did inspire me thinking if you could do it so could I!!!! xx All those things yup, guilty as charged.
DeleteWelcome home Daisy! Well done for surviving what sounds like a very difficult testing time. I'm sure your brain will quietly process all these thoughts now that it's back in safe space. Enjoy your garden :) Love from Bea x
ReplyDeleteHey Bea I'm very glad you're here :) my brain is telling me she prefers quiet and less people to look after. Garden is frozen, but its not its fault, its quite chilly. Hens started laying though, which is fabby! Hugs to you and yours. x
DeleteI think it's that clash of worlds Daisy - the old and the new. She wants to drink on holiday in your space and you'd asked her not to. Is her need more important than yours?? Only you can answer that one. For me my friendship group had to change as we had no common ground anymore in terms of how we wanted to spend our time and even what time we were up!! xx
ReplyDeleteLucy you know I have my fingers firmly in my ears. (Joking, I know you're right and yes my needs so matter too, but I'm in denial about that one).
DeleteIts funny isn't it when we decide we want to get sober often we're still trying to maintain the charade that drinking is OK for other people. Its our issue not societies. I'm wondering if our common ground has gone or if we can find new stuff. I'm thinking that perhaps its the former, whilst hoping its the latter.
xx