Day 2 - Trust

I've being doing Belle's mantra of 'don't try harder, do something different' and its made me very ponderish.

I think trust is my biggest issue. Trust.

Five small letter. Which amount to, I don't deserve this. I don't deserve these folks being nice, I don't deserve anything.

Tell no one.

Trust no one.

Or maybe trust some folks. Like Belle and you sober lovely lot, I'm listening to her new book. She's asked me to write a list of some things as an exercise.

Day 1 what to expect when you're newly sober {subtext here for me is that even though you've had about a gazzilions of times, try something new}. I need to remind myself of a few things.

Ten things to write down

1 - They way I drink has affected my
{motivation}
2 - And my
{relationship with my family and friends}
3 - And my
{well being}
4 - The way I drink has caused problems with
{inner self and my happiness}
5 - And with
{my general focus}
6- Its made me feel
{lonely}
{unworthy}
7- I nearly had a disaster when
{?mine are too raw and cringeworthy for here}
8 - And this was just about a disaster too
{?see above}
9 - I'm tired of waking up feeling like
{I don't deserve any better}
10 - People who will be relieved when I'm sober
{me}
{family}
{sober friends}
{anyone else who knows me.........?}

I did however speak to my other half today and say, you know I'd had the occasional glass of wine, well I think its noodling with my head. I'm in a funny place.

{deep sighs and breaths here}

His reply. I had thought it odd you'd even consider the odd glass when it doesn't seem to make you be very nice to yourself. Maybe its time to just leave it.

Trust.

And we have people for dinner tonight, ironic in the extreme I pick this week to start over. Or not, life goes on. I took advice I'd had previously and messaged ahead to say, no booze here we've only juice - that's all fine with them they said.

A little less to stress about.

A peek over my sober shoulder.

There you are. And, here I am. For the thoughtful words and messages which have laid quietly on the whole until I was ready to venture into sober land again. I thank you all. I really do. Sober community, even if you switch it to 'gentle snooze' for a while is as always consistent and epic reliable and wonderously cosy. Thank you and I really mean that.

Here's where I'm at. I've had about 15 drinking days in the last year. Most of them in the past few months when I worked beyond crazy full time. Never insane, but nevertheless, I couldn't cut it totally sober. 

I've told sober friends, I'm a failure. They've told me I'm not. Frankly 15 days drinking moderately has been far less catastrophic as a blow out or any of my numerous years drinking ever was. So whilst its not a full scale parade, its still better than it was before.  Maybe a mouse-parade?

I stopped writing for a while, in just about every area of my life. It just got too much. Everything just go too much.  I worked too much. I also broke my knee and tore a knee ligament clean off, at Xmas and wrecked it again in late January, and I continued to work. Yes really and I refused to go see a Dr until my busy period was over, I didn't want it to affect my working pay. Its insanity perfectionified isn't it. {real word by the way} And if I'm honest, a broken knee is probably less painful to bear than constant hangovers/paranoia at work, which I must be guilty of for the past god knows how many years. 

I'm self-employed and a stark-I-will-do-everything-by-myself single parent. So when I get offered crazy amounts of work, I take it. Even if it means self care is f*cked. I'm so use to feast or famine when I went back to feast, I hadn't really realised (yes I am this thick) that alcohol in some form or another might rear its 'dodgy-NONcoping-mechanism-head'. And, food, food has been a real substitute for booze and over work. I've put on over a stone in a couple of months. My confidence is down the bog.

The questions just got too much. The justification for NOT drinking got too much.

As I poured a bottle of cheap rose down the sink in my kitchen in December a rather stressful houseful at home, and filled it with diluted berry juice just to 'fit it' and quiet the voices, the irony was not lost on me. Pretending to drink. And pretending to drink something you know no one else would touch with a barge pole. Geniusly f*cked up.

You see its easy to pretend to drink, you're already well skilled at double devious behaviour.

 So sometimes I've fake drunk. Sometimes I've had one glass to shut the idiots in the room up. Overwhelm can be a crazy crazy bitch. At the end of my insane contract period, we took another holiday with some relatives, big wine boozers, but you know kinda snobby with it. So I went all out into buying the cheapest wine possible and making a show of it, so no one would touch it. Its not that I even wanted it. I just wanted to quietly fit in. The rose/juice trick was pulled everyday that holiday and oddly whilst I bought wine everyday I never drank a drop. And, was kind of appalled at our co-hosts drinking. But, like a little lamb, I took to the fold and pretended to join in. I don't really know why. Sometimes being sober isn't easy and when overwhelmed I can't begin to defend my own actions.

I haven't got a lid on that yet. Sometimes I think whilst I know some of the answers, I don't do sober very well. And, those isolating, I'm even a f*ck up at sober words which I know are Wolfie, still hold me hostage and alone. I'm not a good example of a sober girl. I'm just human and I'm learning pretty anxious and pretty vulnerable. I feel unworthy of friendship and I isolate myself very easily. Step aside nothing worth looking at here.

It also seems I don't do drinking very well either and sometimes even fake it. For peace.

But looking over my sober shoulder, sometimes I don't do me very well. But, I am learning. And, I realise none of this makes sense. But, I'm confronting it. Gently.

Works reverted, for a while, to a kind of lovely slow pace. Time to smell sober for a while and work on my coping mechanisms about who I am. And, an ability to open a sober email account and read some mails it would seem is a start.

Thank you for poking and pestering me and throwing me sober blankets and letting me breathe and get here in my own time.

I know I need to find therapy and actively work at things. I mean a bit of drinking is one thing, hard core fake drinking. Seriously, that's insane!? Slowly slowly catchy Wolfie.

Yesterday I had a 'wet the babies head' slurp of wine after work. It was shite. I prefer juice.

Day 1 again. With weaker knees and I know even less about myself. But, I'm here.