Sober escapes

I know I'm bad a month with no posts. Bad Daisy. I hope you're well? Hope you enjoy the holidays.

If I'm totally honest I hate this time of year. Dark nights miserable weather. I'm very grinch like. My children, largely due to logistics and bad ex husband geography spend the larger holidays at their fathers with their extensive family and siblings. And, despite the logic here and skype and everything it sucks rocks. As we lead upto it I try to be jolly and brave, we have fake Xmas and hugs. It still sucks.

It's life. They fill their time with adventures as it should be. I know I'm lucky to have such lovely kids. Sharing them is hard but worthwhile.

Blotting out my own pain well that was much easier with booze. Bit like sweeping your emotions under a giant dysfunctional rug that sits in the middle of your life, festering.

So, second sober Xmas. We were going to be a home, no real plans. But, I started to get panicky. Wolfie (booze voice) started niggling. So I thought to myself how can we turn a bit of negative situation into a more positive one? Something we learn at SMART and something I'm
Learning without booze. What are the positives I can take out of this?

Being alone (without kids) at Xmas means you can do what you want to do right? So I looked in my 'booze account' the money I save by not drinking. Each Day as a pledge to me being sober I put £5 or whatever I feel like into my 'sober savings'. Or I try to. I'm not perfect. It's my ex wine money. It's for treats, for me.

So I looked at that. Just over £150, not drinking certainly adds up, but I've been sucky at treats lately.  Anyway long story short is that I said to my hubby, found an uber cheap trip away for Xmas, no kids, how about we grab it and go? Offering to pay half of my share and abstaining from presents.

So we did!! Booked on Wednesday, left on Friday and here we are, away from everything. Yes I know it's not always advisable to just run away. But I'm telling myself, firstly it's a treat. I couldn't afford to so this if I were drinking. Secondly erm why not, we work hard, kids are sorted and we love adventures.

And I've done lots of sober planning.

Firstly I use to drink alone, so now I have my hubby with me 24/7 - accountability, he knows I don't want to drink, potentially ever. He's got my back.

We are in a hotel (very last minute crazy deal!) with bar and 'credit'. He's been given the 'you're in charge of this' cap to wear. Previously I would have taken that responsibity and gorged myself. I'm allowing someone to look after me. And as we sat in the bar before dinner, I opened the drinks page to see a selection of juices, mock tails and alcohol free beer. Yay!  Although I must say I did open it to scoff and say look, sober people are not catered for! How wrong was I? One virgin mojhito ease monseuir bar tender.

We are on a very active holiday. I can hardly keep my eyes open after 8pm and we are out all day. Also planned, keeping busy is good.

I can't say I've not been tempted for 'just one drink'  but I know it won't stop at that and I don't want any of the crap that goes with it.

And if my head ever waivered I know my hubby is braced for a 'really, second Xmas with no drinking, you really want a drink now?'  Reply.

I've finally given him permission to challenge me, I trust him to look out for me and my sober.

Small steps. So here we are, exhausted, happy and sober Xmas number two underway.  No boozy visitors, no wishing I was joining them. Just some sober recharge time.

I hope you a have a super sober holiday. Celebrating those small sober steps that lead to a happier us.
At home or away look after yourselves.

Xxxxxx
I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

Changes and teaspoons.

Its funny when I think about it. Being sober won't change me I thought to myself I'm only losing the booze. Hmm. A bit like a new parent who's life will NEVER change after having a baby, things are very different.

I think for a while now whilst I've been in what feels like 'serious reboot' I've known something is afoot. However I didn't expect that things were really changing. But they seem to be.

Yes still sober. I've had opportunities thrust upon me to drink lately and somehow remarkably sidestepped them.

I've even drunk apple juice from a wine glass and pretended. Yes that's sad. I know don't judge me I am just not ready to come out to everyone. And certainly not drunken (family) strangers in my own house. Sometimes its easier to lick their teaspoon and smile whilst stirring their tea than actually have a fight about things. Especially booze. My husband knew it was juice too and just went with it.

So I'm sober but seem to be emerging from somewhere old into somewhere new. But, I'm not sure where.

I even had a stand up for myself row with my loved ones about my lack of phone. I listened, heard their points and rather than just feel grumpy and bludgeoned I actually said 'Don't push me on this or I will never have one again. Let me do this in my own time, right now I need to disconnect and reboot'. 

I now have a phone, its in the car, and its not connected to the internet. I use it for travelling at my family's insistence. I can see that point. They're taking on board I don't want to be connected to the universe every single second and they have my office number.

You see whilst I'm quite happy to stand up for myself sometimes, even about the smaller things, often or not I'm more of a 'lick your teaspoon' and smile kind of girl. But that's changing too.

Tea anyone.....I'll get you a clean spoon xx

Coming at you like a Sober Dodo

How to kill a conversation stone dead. Like dodo dodo dead.

Me - Hey look I treated myself to a fitbit thingmy - trying to get a bit fitter.

Friend - Great - wow its ace how do you use it, why did you get it?

Me - Well guess what its a year and a bit since I stopped drinking and I just thought I deserved a treat. I'm feeling much better and thought I'd keep going.

Silence.

From someone who dissects the minutia of our lives normally, silence was as roaring as a charging bull.

More silence. For once I did not offer excuses or did I retrench, I just lent into the silence, waiting for a response. My time to talk and explain, share, confess and really be honest.

Nothing.

Unsurprisingly perhaps, a complete change of topic enchewed. I almost checked my watch to make sure I wasn't in some space time anomaly, which you know happens often in the park. However no Tardis in view. Seems time is perfectly fine.

No darling girl, this isn't going away. But, I'll wait and talk about it when you're ready. I'm already here.

Bit of a monumental one for me. Sad about the Tardis but amazed at my small courage.

Happy sober day. New routine seems to be helping. Thanks for all the cheering from the sidelines.

Irrational v Rational Thoughts (AKA bollocks or not bollocks.)

Rational thinking? Image from Calvin and Hobbes.

I've had a meeting day when I get to SMART and actually listen. The meeting in itself was a bit tiresome. Someone kept leaving the meeting and then coming back in. It wasn't a biggie but for once I just thought just sit the f*ck down. My inner rage often bubbles below the surface it would seem. I do not think this was out of line. It was disruptive but I guess they felt they had to do it.

We talked about irrational thoughts (I deserve a drink, only one, no harm there, I can stop after one) compared with rational (evidence based) thoughts (You won't stop at one, you don't 'deserve a drink', you never stop once you get started). Or as I like to think about them.

Bollocks or NOT Bollocks.

{I'm not trying to be offensive, whilst this word is use for male genitalia, here in the UK it is also used as a noun for expressing displeasure link here. But not a word you would use in polite company or when telling your Grannie that the current government aren't up to the job.}

So here's what I've been challenging myself with.

Is what I'm saying or thinking rational or not - no its bollocks. [irrational]

Is what I think based in evidence, if it is its - NOT bollocks. [it is in fact rational]

I have huge issue with these things. And, as part of my sober journey I'm starting to face up to those things that make me feel rubbish and brew irrational thoughts. Its not easy.

Trying to replace them with evidence based thinking (NOT bollocks) is bloody hard when you've spent your life hiding. Living in irrationalville, Bollocks central.

A bit like this morning routine. Getting up at a fixed time seems to make me feel more grounded. Routines do too. And I'm kind enough to know that a bit of slippage is OK as long as it all gets done.

My usual irrational voice would tell me - look at you, I mean, you can't even GET UP like a normal person. When you start the day like that, your brain shuts down to any sort of rational thinking. Well, at least, I'm beginning to know, mines does and then the self flagellation begins and I descend into 'see you, you're rubbish at life'.

Which is, quite frankly bollocks. But when that's what your morning brain tells your heart, [shouting YOU'RE RUBBISH] your self esteem falls into your boots.

Not clever. And, not true either.

So that's been a bit of a lightbulb moment for me.

The evidence would suggest that as I've always really physically struggled with getting up since I was a freshly hatched child, that I am not lazy or stupid or lax. I wake up like I've been drugged, dragging myself out of sleep, none of this fresh as a daisy stuff for me. Always been the same. Its just who I am and how my body works. Who knows it might be something I can fix. And if I can't then its just how I am.

So armed with my giant sober flash cards which challenge me to think are these thoughts rational or irrational. I can stop and really think of what I'm trying to tell myself, and which card to hold up high. Mostly I think it will be this one.

Yes really, you're OK.

Monday Morning

I only woke up once last night. Not that I'm obsessed about sleeping or anything. Some things are afoot at work and I should hear today what will happen. Its a bit unsettling. But, if I end up at home more, I'm not complaining as the autumn sets itself on chilly and throws itself into winter.

Back in the sober routine today again. Weekends seem to have no routine at all having himself home. Spoke to both the kids yesterday which was nice. Its also good being sober as it doesn't matter when that happens. House is also nice and tidy, I took an hour yesterday to straighten it up. Its not perfect but it does help my mental health if its not a complete pig sty.

A bit of the sober morning routine done today - sets me up for the day. So if I can keep doing it, then i'll be a happy bunny.

I guess I need to set up that review appointment - so I've not achieved everything on my list, so what. I'm sober. A wee look at those goals......


I'm happy to share some of my goals for the next three months. (JULY)

1 - Not Drink. 
2 - Be more open with my partner. (GULP)
3 - Keep attending meetings.
4 - Look into other groups if work commitments change my schedule.
5 - More personal time, which I dictate, not others.
6 - Look into counselling which is right for me.
7 - More open with close friends about my recovery.
8 - Cull some of my social group which are dysfunctional/bad for me.
9 - More time with kids.
10 - Be nice to myself (I added here, in sub-text, and not talk to myself like I'm an idiot).


So where did I get (OCT)

1 - YUP no drinking
2 - A bit more open I'm learning to trust him. Not full disclosure though.
3 - Been a bit crap at this with work.
4 - Didn't bother. Whoops.
5 - Better at this but still let my boundaries become second to others needs.
6 - Did this and now on the list for someone who sounds a bit more up my street.
7 - Not done this - but not had much time with friends.
8 - Have let some invites for coffees slip - its a start.
9 - More time with kids when I can. Getting less scared at touching base and saying hey fancy catching up.
10 - Work in Progress.

See I'm only human after all, some done, some not so I'm clearly human......sober but human.

Happy Monday folks.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

Fractured

Hey its the weekend - a time for routines to get crazy disrupted. I'm OK with that, its my  day time week time life I'm trying to get a bit more structure in so I can free style it more at the weekends and not give myself a hard time.

Friday night came and went without much more than a takeaway and some telly. Early to bed meant I was awake at 1am and slept around three. I'm not liking this disrupted sleep much.

Yesterday was a very odd day - I went to see one of my family who's broken a leg. I wrapped it up in dropping off a few household things her family would find useful. Expecting to be in and out like a veritable emotionally challenged ninja I was floored when after an hour or so of pleasantaries my sister asked if we'd like to go out for some food. I was expecting to leave. We have little communication and little in common. I bailed at 16 years old out of a life that was just too violent and loud for my delicate soul. Being the oldest I guess I had always felt a bit guilty for leaving them there but sometimes in life, every man for herself is all you can do.

We had a nice day - there I said it, it was nice. Odd, a bit emotional but nice. A bit too much connection with my old life emotionally for me it left me very drained. Most of my family's life is the same as the one I bailed out from. Although the familiarity did little to comfort me. Its left me feeling very fractured and guilty for my own choices. Guilty as in could I have done more, but not enough to have actually done anything it would seem. But I'm here now and its a new day.

Very strange being in a pub - I don't go in them. I had a twinge of 'should I drink to keep her company ??????' more out of needing to fit in than not. But, I just had a tonic and that was fine. No judgement.

What was enraging for me (and pretty enlightening) is that my sibling has a broken leg in two places, just had surgery and is now managing alone in a flat two stories up. She lives alone. Her grown up kids are making sure she's OK. Since she hurt herself I've been touching base a bit with her, and finally got up the courage to go and see her. The fact that my mother hadn't bothered to call or pop over at all after my sister had called and told her she'd broken her leg and needed an operation.

Not even called, not once.

Now I can be livid about that even if I don't know how to react to my mothers treatment of me.

Family feels so fractured. That family anyway. My life is now very different and for that I'm truly grateful. Even if I am a little guilty. I've promised myself as part of my new me, new life, new sober life, I'll try and be a better sibling. Might let me heal a bit too.

Normal?

Crazy crap nights sleep again. Getting to bed early enough but just disturbed sleep. There's a few things going on at home that have been unsettling. Maybe this is just normal stuff going on? I retreated the spare room, leaving my lovely bed and its snoring contents to itself and listened to Belle for a couple of hours.

I did think about Lucy's comment about the SMART groups routine, I've been struggling to go. I really must be more vigilant. And, I'm also at my 3 month review of my 'action plan' part of which was being more open about being sober, disclosing more. I can honestly say I'm not ready to do that yet and I don't know if I will ever be. And, having thought it through I'm OK with that for now.

Just don't call me sisyphus - Image gapingvoid.com/nz

No point in pushing rocks up hill if you don't have to. I'm just not ready. I'm more open with husband but aside that this sober stuff is my business. A tad defensive maybe but its a process right?

I had a look back on this time last year. The weather is changing and the stove in the kitchen flickers away in the mornings. It reminds me of the safety of being newly sober and starting to find the sober community. Interesting looking back on the early days.

This time last year.....HERE