Monday, 14 September 2015

Talking violently to yourself.

Hey there. Yes I am alive. And sober. But, locked in a far away land fighting to the death with wolfie who's turned up all 'bad super villain' on my ass. He's quite unwelcome, I have to tell you. I'm wondering sometimes (in a very sorry for myself voice) why this has to be so bloody hard sometimes.

I'm almost at a year minus the day I drank on my birthday.

My internal head is locked in a fierce monologue of how utterly crap I am as a human being.  And, just as I think the voices can't be calmed the lovely Lucy from A Hangover Free Life sends me a link which has tears running down my chops.

Yes I talk to myself very violently, its my internal voice and it really needs to change. I'd stopped all forms of counselling when I started way back last year it just seemed too much. But, now I'm thinking perhaps its time to find some professional help.

I treat myself very violently as my verbal inner voice. Its all I really know. But I'm willing to learn.

After a weekend of crazy family stuff, and feeling yet again invisible in some of the company I was in, rather than do my usual 'zone out' I've given myself a frenzied inner flogging.

You know because its really my fault when people see right through me as if I'm made of tissue paper.  Take this weekend.........

Did you know Miss Daisy did XYZ and she flew in a hercules once - (and some of it is amazing, even if I say so myself) said my partner to some of his family trying to include me in the conversation for the gazzilionth time.

Reply - 'do you think the others are home yet how long have they been driving?' came from his family.

Yes my husband replied directly to me, I am married to the invisible woman.

At least we can laugh about it, for a while until the voices in my head make it all about how awful I am. Which is of course why I am invisible.

I think its about time for some therapy. Cos, I know that you lot think I'm OK and all of you rock.

I guess the moral of the story is, until I can be nice to myself internally, I'm always going to be battling.  Could this be PAWS?

Like I said I think its about time for a stepped up programme of self love.

Wonder if I can buy it in bulk? I think to be safe I need the industrial strength, large bottled version.

Thanks for bearing with me and reaching out to me even when I'm quiet sober warriors.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.