Day 58 - Same old, same old

Just another normal day at the homestead. Up early, himself leaves for work and then on with the day ahead. For the past few months I've really been hunkered down and almost waiting out my existence in a heady mix of bed and erm, bed. Not bonnie. And, to be fair whilst I'd given myself most of October in my poor state to try and mend, November kind of rolled around too. And, now its December. So today I told myself, on this first Monday of the new shiny month, I'd get up earlier and actually 'do' something with my day other than lounge about reading and feeling a bit sorry for myself.

Its booze I've given up, not lost a limb, it just feels like I have. So one of those days where the weather starts lovely and slowly lurks into yuk-ness (definite weather jargon here). Breakfast first, although I notice I'm skipping this stage, I've had to stop and tell myself looking after me, is important. So breakfast before anything. Hens/dogs sorted. Cleaned out the stove and wrote my number in the ashes, well why not. I'm a normal gal with normal chores and normal house-wifey things to do. I also thought about drinking, not drinking, sober, not sober for about a gazillion times today. Just another usual day in my bizarre head.

I am minded of something on The Bubble Hour last week or the week before about 'shortcuts' someone said, (Elie?) that as a boozer she's all about how quick, how easy, what shortcut there can be to get from X to Y to Z. And, I know I've been so guilty of that. So I'm trying to get my day through by seeing things from start to finish and not leaving things half done, as I always do. Its ironic because this always stresses me, so I'm challenging myself to be kind to myself but also to see things through. Well, that's my plan.

I'm trying to structure my day a bit. Whilst the luxury of unemployment and being at home sounds fabulous, its really worn off here. I love being here, don't get me wrong but money pressures are adding up and I really need to find more work soon. Really so. But, until then, I tackle the household chores then I tackle the life admin ones. I've decided today rather than feel overwhelmed at everything I'm breaking things down into managable tasks. Like doing some voluntary work on a database, which might or might not lead to work. The task seemed simple enough, but its far more complicated than I first been told, or heard. No biggie but things like this, where I seem to be slower to start or struggle to start at all, I really find hard. And, not finishing things, well that's a big fat alarm bell in my head too.

So taking advice from my support group, I'm giving myself short, tasks to complete. Getting out in daylight for a walk, then returning to tasks when I'm home. I struggle with self-esteem, largely related to who knows what, but I know it makes me drink, or hide in drink. So today, this very first day of the month on my 58th day sober, I get up like a regular person, I start up my PC and I settle down to work after a few chores. OK so I'm not going to solve the worlds problems, but as sad as it sounds, getting up and through a day rather than hiding in bed, where its safe, is something I need to work into my routine. I'm going to be gentle on myself but I need to start moving forward slowly. 

So here I am at the end of the day, teas on the hob and I'm still sat at my PC having got a fair bit of data entry done, a bit of cooking, walking and wood chopping in between. Today feels like a start on the new road of my very ordinary life, just like most women my age with the kids left home. Except no wine for me.  I've taken it easy. I'm not stressed. I've worked a fair bit today.

So I've thought about sober, drinking, not drinking, reasons why I drink, how my family is affected by my drinking a gazillion times. But, I've not been drinking. Not today. Small steps.

Tomorrow I'm planning on getting up again early. Having breakfast before anything else. Sorting the dogs/hens. A bit of work then my therapy session. Sober treats need sorted before I leave, thinking a really lovely pate made from cream cheese (must find the recipe today) to chill in the fridge and some crusty bread on the way home and a magazine. Maybe that will do it........

So its same old, same old here. Nothing much to report aside another day sober, no Wolfie today so far. I'm tucking into ruby rich coloured Beet It juice. 

Its in my favourite glass, as I finish the day, who knew I'd turn to beetroot juice instead of wine.

Be aware: Drinking beetroot juice may turn your urine pink; this is perfectly normal!

Normal, pink pee, well aye I guess so. And if I want to start running up mountains........

Beetroot juice can significantly benefit athletic performance at altitude"
Journal Medicine and Science in Sports and Exercise

.....this sober malarkey doesn't half take you funny places.