Day 62 - Adventures and odd dreams

So my son left yesterday (he's still mid travel, I have one of those mother-inside-compasses telling me exactly where he is, to the second I have sort of fathomed it out.) as normal he's off to spend the holidays with his Dad. This is nothing new, and yet I always feel such a sense of loss when they both leave to their other family. And, whilst I can't really fly a plane, something in me needs to control his safety and his journey. Back off crazy lady, step away from the plane, I'm sure they'd say. Yes I have control issues.

The only real change to this is that they've recently emigrated to the other side of the planet. Its unsettling. Oh and they now both live out of the family home and are at university so I don't get the normal 'family time' very much either.

On the one hand, I'm all woo hoo adventure central. On the other hand I'm a bit freaked at the distance and the time they'll be away. But, this is normal, the geography has just changed, that's all. The kids have been travelling to see their father since they were pre-school. Its a bit sucky, but its life as we know it, Jim.

So in my head I see the photo above. A very capable young chap, off adventuring. He's not been out to see his father in New Zealand before, so its an exciting trip. Obviously I see adventure and I'm happy for him but I also see this. A young child, back pack on, letting him walk alone but there to help with any free fall stuff. 

And, let me tell you my son is 20 and quite independent, so I know I need to allow him space to breathe and make his own way. Doesn't stop the worry eh.

I think, well, I think I'm beginning to understand that these situations, kids going to their fathers for the holidays, whilst perfectly normal in our family, are a bit of a trigger for me. All the usual holidays they go. Its important that they have a good relationship with their other parent. Its the bits I can't control I think are an issue for me.And the loneliness, the sense that they're so far away. But lets face it who wants their mum on a flight holding their hand, so uncool for both of us! (I'm really not that bad). And, as for me rocking up at my ex-'s erm, I'd rather swim in shark infested custard. 

So I let go. But I'm aware that this is a trigger for me. My daughter joins him later this month. Then on this little island it will only be me and my (new)  hubby. Don't get me wrong, the kids are both at university, which is new too. Its all very change-tastic here. Life moves forward, positively on the whole. But, I'm not use to no kids at term time and no kids at holidays time. I've muted I'd like a change but its been met with severe resistance from my ex-husband, and as he books the flights, I'm screwed. So I need to think this through.

But, whether I lie or not, the holidays without the kids, has, always has and always will suck. I'm not resentful towards them for going, for their father being in their life, I'm very happy. But the whole full on single-parent thing and then full off parent thing, sucks. I know this is how it worked out. I know I'm am more than responsible for it. But, sucky-mcducky-with rocks is what it is. And, of course the kids don't know, I wave them off with a smile and lots of mothery-type annoying things like have you got your wallet. What an adventure it will be! Have so much fun!! Hope you have a blast!! Speak soon! Love you. Then I walk back into my own life. Which aside the single-parent separation rubbish, is a nice life.

I promise I did not try and tuck his shirt in at the airport, or smooth his hair or anything like that. Honest. Nor did I cry, its an adventure after all. We had a lovely coffee then we parted ways.

But, its stuff like this which sends me reeling into the chasms of darkness, looking for solace, so I have to be brave. No wine this holiday season. That's going to be a first. But, inside we know it only dulls the pain for a while.

Rather disconcertingly, I had a dream last night about buying wine, a lot of wine. 

I felt so guilty when I woke convinced I'd have to say to you all, I bought wine last night. As the dream noodled about my head, I realised whilst sleepily waking up that it wasn't drunk. First thoughts were crap, get it all poured down the sink, then confess all. Funny dream, the kids (in the dream) and I were constantly distracted by random stuff (like someone offering to sharpen my ski boots ????)  and the wine never got back to being drunk. 

I had a broken nights sleep, I woke several times. Yesterday was a long day of driving and helping my son pack up his house, (he's also moving, doesn't do things by half this one) although as always it was lovely to spend time with him. And, then to the airport, to wave him off on his flight, he's a confident young man but a bit of a nervous traveller. I know they'll have fun. I'm grateful they have a relationship with their Dad, I really am. I hate that I can't control what they do there either in a keep them safe and happy kinda way. I fret like a crazy woman when my kids are in someone else's care.

We've booked a holiday for late January, husband, son, friend and me. Daughter currently thinks holidays with the old's is so uncool.  Her loss! I'm really looking forward to it. We usually go away at Xmas, helps me to deal with the kids heading away, sad, but its one way I distract myself. This year, new house, we're staying home. Personally I think this is a mistake, but its circumstances. Next year, I'm hoping we'll plan something for the time the kids are away again.

Although I know I need to find my inner-happiness from myself, not just as a mum. I'm working on that. Hard though. 

I'm not liking the troubled sleep, the broken sleep and the washing machine head. I'm not liking dreams about buying wine, lots of wine or desperately wanting to drink it all and numb. But I know it will pass. Son will arrive safe I know he will and he'll have such an adventure. In the mean time, we keep calm and carry on.

PS I'm sorry this is a bit diary-ish but its what's in my head today. Somehow I saw this blog as light and funny and much shorter. Oh well maybe tomorrow! Right now I can only work on today. It's all I've got.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.