Day 122 - emerging

So hello! I'm back and all in one piece. I've taken some time yesterday to adjust to life back home and after I waved my friend off in the morning decided to dive straight into work and then straight into some garden time yesterday. What a long time its been since I had anytime on my own. A whole 13 days to be precise. Which, to have someone in your space drinking is, I have to say, just too much. But, I'm learning. And, I'd like to say thank you for your comments, I'll get to them as soon as I can, I got a bit humbled by your kind thoughts so thank you. I'm certainly going to reply, it may take a bit of time, but I know I'll get there. A bit like this winter aconite up here, just out in the garden, I feel like this is all very new and exciting.

So I thought I'd have some sober revelations about being away. I'm not sure that I do.   What I did find that it was very easy to slip back into making everyone else in my life comfortable, taking care of myself last. Its easy to take a back seat and care for others. I'm not saying that is wrong but it does lead to tiredness and overwhelm if you don't take time to look after you. Just saying. Its the old self care thing. Over and over, eh?

What I am finding is that my tolerance for bullshit and whining is zero. Well, that's not fair, its almost zero. And, my tolerance for folks being selfish and bossy is also nearing zero. Does that mean as a sober person my boundaries are changing and I've started to speak my mind a bit more? I'm not sure. I just know I have limited tolerance for stupidness, whining and moaning. Of which there was a fair amount on holiday. 

Here's what I did notice, I've no issue with folks around me drinking in public, in a cafe or a bar. In fact, I think it is for them to choose. What I do seem to have issue with is MY kind of drinking. The selfish kind. The kind that sees you nestling a glass like its your life-matter, like its your heart, except its pumping alcohol into your body. The one handed life that clutches a glass on the sofa and doesn't really move, aside to fill it. The selfish, 'me time' that lasts all evening and often well into the next day. That's my kind of drinking and its the kind that makes my skin crawl now. 

And, it makes me angry. I'm not sure why. Am I angry because I can't drink like that anymore? 

Its confusing. 

I genuinely don't mind when my friend drinks in the bar, I mind massively when she buys bottles and puts them in my fridge and sits nestling a wine glass in the house, in the crook of her arm or clutched in her hand. All night, until every last drop is drunk. 

Do I miss it, I'm not sure. I certainly don't miss how much it messed up my head each day for two hours of 'brain shut down'. But, man it makes me angry.

Talk about sending out mixed messages to my friend. Yes, I don't mind if you drink in a bar, but not in my house, not on my sofa and not in my space. 

I guess I think bar/pub drinking is a bit more restricted and responsible? Which of course isn't true. But, its just the drinking in the house bit that really twangs my buttons.

I guess in some way I'm jealous that I can't drink like that anymore. Or is it that I know how selfish it is? Who knows. Or maybe I'm just angry. Who knows.

So I'm home now, I've sent the chums home, and waved them off til March (hopefully) and survived. I'm beginning to see how much time is wasted post-drinking, and excuse the pun, but I've no time for it.  Time is precious and I don't want my time wasted by it. I'm also seeing how selfish 'drinkers' can be. And, how much its needed, even if they don't think they have a problem. But, if its the first thing they buy in the supermarket when they arrive, perhaps they're not as 'normal' as they think they are.

Its what I use to do. Before any other decisions were made, make sure you know where your wine is coming from. Where you'll get the next lot. Its very nice not to be under that incessant need. I think I'm looking forward to spring emerging, maybe there will be more surprising changes too for me.

Hugs!

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

Today I'm grateful I didn't drink.

I stood with an open half empty bottle of wine at my lips last night. The smell was acrid, I stood in my kitchen thinking fuck it. No one listens to me in my real life, no one. (so not true) I stood and thought fuck it, why not. I can't get away from this stuff why fight it. I stood for a good five minutes, which seemed a life time. The sour smell up my nose, the taste almost on my lips. But, I put the bottle down.

Two things also went through my mind simultaneously

I don't' want to go back here.
There isn't enough wine for two of us.

After what seemed a life time, I put the bottle down. I just went and sat down, heart racing. I don't know which statement brought me back sooner, there isn't enough, nope there wasn't. Is there ever?

Or, I don't want to go back there, grudingly that was there.

But the there's never enough and there isn't enough tonight was the louder voice. That what stopped me. And a tiny bit of, I can't go back there. Standing in my new posh kitchen, bottle at my lips, wine-hunger too ravenous for a glass.

And yes my friend from down south is staying again and yes, she brought wine. I asked her not to, she hid it in her bag and yes I looked. Her wolfie is very loud, I get that.

Shame all round I say.

Me for snooping and not trusting her. Her for not respecting me and my wishes. I'd braved it to ask her not to bring wine.

Part of me wanted to drink it to teach her a lesson. Part of me just wanted it, otherwise I'd have thrown it down the sink.

This person isn't someone I can just launch out of my life. Although she lives a long way away, for various reasons she's here around once a month. And, will be for the foreseeable future. There are no other options for her aside a hotel she's been in my life since my kids were 2 and 3. Always my rock, my safe escape, my wine buddy.

Its like wolfie decided to bring along a twin. As if one of the fuckers isn't hard enough to deal with.

Man I'm cranky. I'm on full sober treat alert today.

She's with me a lot, I get her, she's been my rock for so many things but this isn't one of them.

She's here for two days (initially it was one, now its two which also pissed me off). I'm her escape from her mad as a bag of squirrels balls in a sack, family. I get that.

Next week we go on holiday as a party for a week, she's announced she's arriving early Thurs, we fly on Sat. Given the weather I guess this is sort of sensible, at least to arrive on Friday. So next week we'll have the same challenges and a holiday on top. So next week I've got this for close on to 11 days minimum.

This holiday, was of course all arranged pre-sober.

The change is me not her. I know that. I just don't know how to move forward somehow, sanely without a fall out. She needs me. And, here I am bitching.

Can you have eternal sober PMS? I seem to have a bad dose of it.

All I know is that rather than being angry I should be grateful I have friends who want to be in my company.

And be grateful I didn't drink.

That and playing it forward. I'd have probably drunk the half bottle, then drove and got more, or something like that. Today could have been so much messier.

So I'm trying not to be so Sober PMS'y and be grateful.

I should be grateful for kind friends and sobriety.

And I just need to get through tonight. And, himself has invited his mother tonight, because you know one person to stay with an evil-cranky-sober-hell-bitch, is never enough.

Life jacket anyone?

Day 95 - Sober love, apply liberally, with a shovel.

Sober treat basket overload. Sober love.

Thank you for all the support yesterday. I really appreciate it. Hugs and kisses to you all x

So the snarky head is still here but I bludgeoned it yesterday with sober treats and sober tools, I bought a basket full. A group call with Belle. An email with sober chum. A text with another. A call with a friend who makes my heart sing. I read sober blogs and forums. And, today its kept the sober-momentum going when I thought I was sunk. Today I also went to a meeting and asked for help with preventing relapse. 

Before today I've never had this many sober days in a row. NEVER. (aside pregnancy and my kids are 18/20) On the call with Belle there was a lot of chat about sober momentum, how to get there, sober treats and how to shovel sober support on with a JCB truck if you need to. Just to get through. 

So it got me thinking. I've been 'thinking about stopping drinking' and aware I've had a problem for a long time. My longest stretch of 'sober' before today was in October 2007 when I almost managed a month.

Almost, I drank on the last day. So in my head I didn't make it.

Its taken me until now to understand that what I've been trying and I mean determined trying to do is stop drinking or moderate for several years before October 2007 when I managed 30 sober days in a row. And, its taken me SEVEN YEARS almost to the day to start getting that again.

SEVEN YEARS

I've been on day 1, day zero, day 3, day zero, day 2, day zero, day zero, day zero [repeat this loop for SEVEN YEARS up until October 4th 2014.] 

AND EVERY MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT BEFORE I'VE BEEN BASHING MY HEAD WITH A VIRTUAL BRICK OF SHAME AND SELF LOATHING FOR A LONG TIME BUT THE MOST RECENT FOR SEVEN YEARS

No wonder I'm tired. I've been trying to get sober momentum (now that I know what that is) for the last seven years. And, I'm glad I found out about all the sober love and treats around and stopping hitting myself on the head with a brick. And its working. Sober tools work.

So even now, even on Day 95 when I've been feeling snarky I know that I need to not believe that voice in my head that tells me so many things which are wrong, like I should drink now and it will be OK.

What if it takes me another SEVEN YEARS to get this far.

Now, that's scarier than not drinking today and that's all I'm doing. Not drinking today.

And I'm loading up the sober treats, supports, emails, forums, podcasts, blogs, hugs and sober love until I understand inside myself that I'm worth being sober for. I'm learning so much from you all, I can't thank you enough. So I'm opening my arms up and loading myself up with sober love and tools.

Even if I sink in sober love.

So there. So what I'll be sober because today that's best for me.

And today I started my evening sober routine at 3pm today because I knew I needed to.

So there. I'm still sober, even though my heads telling me to give this all up. But, I need to say no.

And why, I keep telling myself, well I might not have sober again for a while if I stop today and the way I'm going and was drinking, maybe I don't have another SEVEN YEARS of abusing myself like this by drinking malarkey. So I say no.

Load me up on sober please. I'm too scared of going back. 

I can only deal with today and today, right now, I'm sober.

So apply sober love, liberally, with a shovel. Just do it already Daisy.

ETA to add a comment from Bea -

Daisy, your instinct is right; sober momentum is terrifically strong but can be undone with just one drink, like throwing your brick of shame into the spokes of a moving bicycle. So don't stop pedalling, ever.

Snarksville Central

Reproduced with thanks from http://lessonslearnedinlife.com/know-your-worth-2/

I'm having a snarky day with one of my family.  Not in person just in my head. So I guess its just a virtual snarky one way conversation where I'm constantly trying to prove my worth to deaf ears, in this virtual conversation as, to be fair, its all in my head. I found that quote and it kinda fitted, finding self respect however, probably a lot harder.

I think I'm too scared to have the conversation in real life, so its rolling around my head like a snowball getting bigger and bigger.

I'm also off to my session with my therapy lady soon. This is either good or bad timing, I can't decide. 

Today is hard. 

Snarksville Central. Is it because I'm nearing 100 days? My heads telling me I'll  fail. Wolfie has is clangers out and the van with the loudspeaker out in the street.

I just don't know why. Its not a particularly unusual day, in fact the sun is even out. 

I'm off to drown myself in sunshine.

There may even be freckles if I'm not careful.

Catch you all later sober lovlies.

And thanks. Like a lot.

Day 93 - Where to start.

So I started this whole sober journey at home in my own kinda rehab which involved a sofa bed and a lot of chocolate.

I moved into my sober bed, bought with my first months sober savings soon after. And, I've been in one or other basically ever since then. Often all day. Sometimes everyday. Often working, often not just reading sober stuff. I've declined a lot of parties and taken sober self care when required, often going back to bed.

Its OK for a while and as I work 7 hours a week from home, a skype convo in my bed with my job share (non video) is OK at a push.  I can write reports no bother and I'm 'present' in my job now rather than dragging myself through it.

Here's the thing, its unsustainable for me longer term. In fact its unsustainable for anyone longer term, I think.

So whilst I can give excuses like sorry no bra on today, can't come. I really need a boot up the backside or a strategy to get me on the move before gone lunchtime.

I also need to find an additional job. I might need a bra for that. And probably clothes. 

I guess in some ways its time to go back into the world, sober. And fathom out what it is I actually want to do and not overwhelm myself in the real world.

Then again I might stay in my pj's until I hear my husbands on his way back from work then frantically get dressed.

Apply motivation here please in the comment box below.

Or if you're a more direct kind of person use this!

Day 78 - Festive planning.

Hey its Monday. Hope that's going well for you. So last night we took the bull by the horns and got some of the festive decks out. I like to think that even with 8 people here over the next week, I'm going to keep my sober cool. 

Remind me I said that.

I've my bestest booziest friend coming to stay, well one of them, I have a few. And, its going to be difficult she's also bringing her entire family with her, including another big time boozer. I've primed her to know that I'm not drinking right now. I have my own reasons and I've shared as much as I'm comfy with.  I'm not really very comfortable with drink being here, but I got told in no uncertain terms, we have to drink when we're here. We can't not drink (the we is the visitors not me). Yes, I could have cancelled. But like so many things this has been arranged BS (before sober) and whilst I am nervous, I'd feel even shittier if we cancelled. We've all had a lot of family stuff go on this year, a lot of changes and despite the plonk, I'd really not like to let them/us down. So whilst I feel like a shit friend for not wanting anyone in particular to be here, I've not cancelled and that's my responsibility.

Remind me I said that.

So in with the festive planning I've done a shed load of shopping for so many different types of posh juice. We've even corked fizzy apple for the table on Xmas day. So my sober slurping is sorted out. I've got wee can's of mocktails (I know I can make them, but this is first aid mocktails) for when the witching hour strikes and we decide its time for a wee slurp. I've no-alochol wine (rose) as well. Some might think this is cheating, but, I don't its quite nice and the two drinkers are on red or white, so there's not a cats chance in hell that this stuff will get muddled up. I chose pink for a reason. We've also lots of treats and nibbles in, lots of nuts and bits and bobs. And if all else fails I'll gorge on rice cakes. They fill me up nicely like a bean bag.

I know that being sober means I can escape the madness in the car and there's no limit to that. I can walk the dogs after meals, before meals or just sit in the car at the end of the lane with a mars bar and the radio on. I can escape, but living in the middle of nowhere means I need to be sober to do this. So being sober and my sober car, is important to keep safe for escaping. I mean where would batman be without the bat mobile.

We've also two kids coming of teenage years, so I've looked out a shed load of dvd's, games and the Wii so we can have a bit of a giggle whilst the adults get sloshed. I've also created a few sitting spots around the house. I've not bought one bottle of wine, and I'm determined I wont. I've told them to bring their own, not very festive of me but quite honestly I don't care. I've spent all my money on juice, flowers and bubble bath. I'm determined not to get stressed. As essentially xmas dinner is a roast dinner with presents, what's to stress about that (aside the people)?

With 8 bodies in this wee cottage a bit of planning has been required. Initially I was going to put us on a sofa bed nearest the kitchen, but having had a good virtual sober slap from Belle, I'm keeping my bedroom. I need a calm cosy sanctuary, a sober cave to run to. And here's where I need your help. I've upped the treats and the sober slurps in the kitchen. What do I need in my sober cave?

So far I've replenshed the flowers with a huge bunch of lilies from my son. I've got the bedding ready, my favourite and my favourite cover. I'm hiding my favourite towel in here. I think I might blow a gasket if I see my friends dad all fluffed up and wearing my sober towel. So that's in here too. I've a couple magazines, my phone charger, my ipad and charger. I was going to download a kindle app and put some books on there I've been wanting to read like Mrs D goes without. I've rescue remedy if needed, I've bubble bath for escape baths, we do have a spare telly I might bring that through although I hate tv's in bedrooms. I've even downloaded an app which lets me text from the house, as we've no signal here. So a sober text can even save the day. I'm keeping Living Sober and sober blogs loaded and will listen to Belle's sober podcasts. Hmmm,

What else could I need in my sober cave? Any clues? 

Escape tools - car keys, dogs for walking, books, podcasts, baths, bed, magazines, quiet sober cave, sober slurpy juice, mocktails, rescue remedy, ipad, kindle, sober pals to text or call.

What's in your sober arsenal over xmas? Please do let me know. Whilst I'm on Day 80 tomorrow, Day 83 on xmas day, I'm really dreading this. I know I could have cancelled but even if I did we'd likely have ended up doing something with someone else out of my control. Better the devil you know, eh?

My sober seven days

So the great excitement for this week has been reaching another milestone, 70 days, 10 whole weeks sober. I never thought that might happen. Never in my wildest dreams. Here's a peek at what I've found to be grateful for in my week leading to today.

The garden starts to slumber and as it does its brought to life after frosts and flurries of snow with robins, blue-tits, thrushes, blackbirds, starlings, sparrows and its so busy. I laden the bird table every morning and take time to watch them chatter and hop around. Garden ornaments long forgotten from summer begin to take on a new life, a dart of colour in the grey. They are beautiful and like this heart remind me of my son swinging under it in the hammock as I hung it. This makes me smile.

The days are shorter to precious time is spent walking the dogs on local beaches. Devoid of tourists at this time of year we have them, frequently all to ourselves. Icy winds steady our pace. Whilst returning home the chores await! 

Fires need stoked with logs and sticks, my job. Everyday this is a job I love, I don't know why but the gathering, chopping, drying and stacking of wood has always been my favourite. I fill the fires grateful we'll be warm and cosy later. All done before it gets dark.

Meanwhile the chickens watch on, hungry in the morning for their breakfasts, always so impatient. Rewards of eggs are few at this time of year but they add to the food to the table. I love their wee faces and chatter. These were rescue hens and now in full plumage I'm very grateful I took them in rather than the easier options around, they've been great companions and wonderful for me watching them slowly come back to health in our garden. 

Out feeding the hens gives me time to stroll around a bitterly cold garden, if I'd been indoors I'd have missed the last few roses on the bush, I picked them for my bedside. A reminder of summer and nicer days. I like the routine of the chickens needing fed it gets me out and appreciating the space around me. As does walking the dogs. It gives me fresh air and time to think, and this week, time to watch our local wee friend through the branches of the hedge now bare.

This wee fella lives but a minute from my door. I'm so lucky to live in the middle of the countryside where I can walk from my front door up to the woods, or down to the shore. A vocal wee chap he kept us company for part of our walk! Getting out everyday even for a swift walk has been good for my sobriety, fresh air and gentle exercise seem to help me hugely.

A bonnie sight! The village phone box, this always makes me smile, so old fashioned and yet, a life line in our village if needed, standing proud. And snuck in behind it a wee white cottage, all of our own. This week my son landed safely in New Zealand, without skype and the internet his distance would seem so far away, we talk or text most days, he feels close, I like that. Luckily for me, these methods of communication make us close and keep me smiling. So I'm grateful, SO grateful for this technology (and old fashioned phoneboxes) which can keep us in touch with those we love and for sober friends and forums, without which I'd feel so alone.

Everyday I have the companionship of my trusty hounds, chickens, partner and virtual sober friends. Friendship, for me, has always been hugely important. Being sober and being able to share this journey in less virtual isolation has been a real help to me. So I thank you for being out there sober rock stars all of you. I also have my SMART group on Wednesdays, helping me connect with others for a while, which is so helpful. I'm glad I found the courage to go. Really glad.

I leave gentle reminders of my sobriety and saying 'NO' to wine around my house. They make me smile and know they're a reminder for times when I feel weak.  A walk around the village today with my recycling today (we have communal recycling in our village), I spot the last flowers of summer hanging on in there. Like me, trying so hard to keep going, despite circumstances which sometimes challenge me!

Their beauty a reminder of taking time to stop and look at the smaller things in life and smile at their wonder. And, as for the trip to the recycling this week - ta da!

Its not often you'd catch me in broad daylight taking out the recycling in one hand, this weeks glass. One bottle of alcohol free wine, one soy sauce. This has been a busy week! No more sneaking out at night for late night 'drop off', in the dark so no one can see!! No more shame. No more secret drinks, no more bottles to hide. A quick drop off a the recycling whilst actually taking time to enjoy a wee stroll round the village. 

 Party last night. I offered to drive, for once he had a few beers, he's not a drinker really, seldom do I see him with a glass in his hand. But for once no moaning about who's driving, no middering and forcing him to drive. No drinking before the party, having a bottle for home after the party. No gulping down the drinks quickly as i can when I get there. No resentful silences in the car when we leave late but way before I want to. No pushing him off to bed when we're home so I can keep drinking when I'm back. No late nights on the sofa drinking alone, trying to sate myself even after a party.  Not last night. Last night I drove, he had a few beers, we left at just around 10pm, I happily drove us home, we chatted, so different to the old drinking ways.

And, finally today. Chores done, messages bought, a quick stomp on the beach with Mr Me before the light goes. 

'You seem happier' he tells me. 

I feel happier, I think to myself, yes I do.

'Thank you, do you know its around 10 weeks today since I had wine.' I smile.

'You're not missing the wine then?' He asks as he holds my hand.

'Nope, I feel so much better for staying off it for a while, my head's a bit less noisy!' I say with honesty.

'Suits you.' He beams.

[We kiss, enough said for now.]

And, for tonight, a mini-celebration with a mocktail. Well, why not. Its not every day you're 70 days sober. Mocktails all round I say.

So that's been my week, lots to be grateful for, lots to quietly celebrate. Thank you for being with me on this journey. Sobriety, feels right now, so special. I don't want to break it. I'm more scared of drinking right now than I am of not drinking. 

More hard work ahead I'm sure!

Day 69 - Attack of the hormones

You looking at me?????

I'm still very much in meh-self-critical-land. So you'll excuse me, perhaps if I'm a but glum-some. It is hormone time here in sober girl land and whilst I know this passes, the blackness that arrives with my monthly cycle is crippling. Although to be fair and sorry if this is really too much information, I'd always managed this (like so many things in my life) with red wine and chocolate. So when I gave up the wine I was dreading my period. Its not like its a barrel of laughs at the best of times but coping with it without wine, was unthinkable.  However I have to say even though its been 69 short (long) days, the effects of PMT etc have been vastly reduced since I stopped drinking. It might be because I've taken vitamin supplements too, it might be because the wine made it worse, who knows. I only know that a benefit of not drinking seems to be less PMT.  Woo hoo ladies.

OK so my husband constantly invading the bathroom when I get sorted for some sober time with my podcast my candles and my bubbles has resulted in serious inner rage, nothing to do with PMT. 

You know, of course I, like many mothers, girlfriends, wives, have a magnetic arse. I was born with it or it arrived when the kids arrived. This bloody arse of mine turns instantly to ON when it splashes its way into the bath for some quiet time. Doens't yours? Isn't it just the time other householders have lost something that only you can find. Or when the phone goes and not one person thinks to say, actually she's naked in the bath and talking to MIL isn't really appropriate for either party. Or like last night when something is spilt on the floor, no imminent danger to mankind as we know it, and whilst you have no interest, no cloth, no means of helping and no idea why they burst in, they do. And, no I didn't offer him my big fluffy sober towel. You are covered in soap suds and can offer no solution to the worlds problems, that's when my magnetic bum is at its finest.

{we do have more than one bathroom in this house, DARLING.}

I am learning to contain my inner rage, soapy or otherwise, its not my fault I'm so popular I tell myself calmly. Could I please have some peace. Thank you.

What my husband tells me when challenged is that he's not use to a naked girl in the bath living with him. He likes to check I'm OK, which is man code for 'naked'. Whilst right now I'm really not in the mood for anything but a nice relaxing sober bath, I giggle.

So you see its really my fault, being a real live girl and all that.

I'm not about to compromise on my sober bubbles, so I'm drawing up a peace treaty, offering, contract negotiation to allow me to have some quiet time. 

Onwards to Day 70 tomorrow, and a look back at my sober week. Hopefully with less hormones. Have yours got less as the sober momentum continues? I wonder if its a normal getting sober thing, decrease in feeling crappy at a certain time of the month.

Day 62 - Adventures and odd dreams

So my son left yesterday (he's still mid travel, I have one of those mother-inside-compasses telling me exactly where he is, to the second I have sort of fathomed it out.) as normal he's off to spend the holidays with his Dad. This is nothing new, and yet I always feel such a sense of loss when they both leave to their other family. And, whilst I can't really fly a plane, something in me needs to control his safety and his journey. Back off crazy lady, step away from the plane, I'm sure they'd say. Yes I have control issues.

The only real change to this is that they've recently emigrated to the other side of the planet. Its unsettling. Oh and they now both live out of the family home and are at university so I don't get the normal 'family time' very much either.

On the one hand, I'm all woo hoo adventure central. On the other hand I'm a bit freaked at the distance and the time they'll be away. But, this is normal, the geography has just changed, that's all. The kids have been travelling to see their father since they were pre-school. Its a bit sucky, but its life as we know it, Jim.

So in my head I see the photo above. A very capable young chap, off adventuring. He's not been out to see his father in New Zealand before, so its an exciting trip. Obviously I see adventure and I'm happy for him but I also see this. A young child, back pack on, letting him walk alone but there to help with any free fall stuff. 

And, let me tell you my son is 20 and quite independent, so I know I need to allow him space to breathe and make his own way. Doesn't stop the worry eh.

I think, well, I think I'm beginning to understand that these situations, kids going to their fathers for the holidays, whilst perfectly normal in our family, are a bit of a trigger for me. All the usual holidays they go. Its important that they have a good relationship with their other parent. Its the bits I can't control I think are an issue for me.And the loneliness, the sense that they're so far away. But lets face it who wants their mum on a flight holding their hand, so uncool for both of us! (I'm really not that bad). And, as for me rocking up at my ex-'s erm, I'd rather swim in shark infested custard. 

So I let go. But I'm aware that this is a trigger for me. My daughter joins him later this month. Then on this little island it will only be me and my (new)  hubby. Don't get me wrong, the kids are both at university, which is new too. Its all very change-tastic here. Life moves forward, positively on the whole. But, I'm not use to no kids at term time and no kids at holidays time. I've muted I'd like a change but its been met with severe resistance from my ex-husband, and as he books the flights, I'm screwed. So I need to think this through.

But, whether I lie or not, the holidays without the kids, has, always has and always will suck. I'm not resentful towards them for going, for their father being in their life, I'm very happy. But the whole full on single-parent thing and then full off parent thing, sucks. I know this is how it worked out. I know I'm am more than responsible for it. But, sucky-mcducky-with rocks is what it is. And, of course the kids don't know, I wave them off with a smile and lots of mothery-type annoying things like have you got your wallet. What an adventure it will be! Have so much fun!! Hope you have a blast!! Speak soon! Love you. Then I walk back into my own life. Which aside the single-parent separation rubbish, is a nice life.

I promise I did not try and tuck his shirt in at the airport, or smooth his hair or anything like that. Honest. Nor did I cry, its an adventure after all. We had a lovely coffee then we parted ways.

But, its stuff like this which sends me reeling into the chasms of darkness, looking for solace, so I have to be brave. No wine this holiday season. That's going to be a first. But, inside we know it only dulls the pain for a while.

Rather disconcertingly, I had a dream last night about buying wine, a lot of wine. 

I felt so guilty when I woke convinced I'd have to say to you all, I bought wine last night. As the dream noodled about my head, I realised whilst sleepily waking up that it wasn't drunk. First thoughts were crap, get it all poured down the sink, then confess all. Funny dream, the kids (in the dream) and I were constantly distracted by random stuff (like someone offering to sharpen my ski boots ????)  and the wine never got back to being drunk. 

I had a broken nights sleep, I woke several times. Yesterday was a long day of driving and helping my son pack up his house, (he's also moving, doesn't do things by half this one) although as always it was lovely to spend time with him. And, then to the airport, to wave him off on his flight, he's a confident young man but a bit of a nervous traveller. I know they'll have fun. I'm grateful they have a relationship with their Dad, I really am. I hate that I can't control what they do there either in a keep them safe and happy kinda way. I fret like a crazy woman when my kids are in someone else's care.

We've booked a holiday for late January, husband, son, friend and me. Daughter currently thinks holidays with the old's is so uncool.  Her loss! I'm really looking forward to it. We usually go away at Xmas, helps me to deal with the kids heading away, sad, but its one way I distract myself. This year, new house, we're staying home. Personally I think this is a mistake, but its circumstances. Next year, I'm hoping we'll plan something for the time the kids are away again.

Although I know I need to find my inner-happiness from myself, not just as a mum. I'm working on that. Hard though. 

I'm not liking the troubled sleep, the broken sleep and the washing machine head. I'm not liking dreams about buying wine, lots of wine or desperately wanting to drink it all and numb. But I know it will pass. Son will arrive safe I know he will and he'll have such an adventure. In the mean time, we keep calm and carry on.

PS I'm sorry this is a bit diary-ish but its what's in my head today. Somehow I saw this blog as light and funny and much shorter. Oh well maybe tomorrow! Right now I can only work on today. It's all I've got.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

Day 60 - domestic goddess, not.

Help yourself, we're celebrating new friends, life and love. Happiness.

So here I am in the messiest kitchen in the universe and I'm making brownies. I'm a dab hand at these, plenty experience from the time the kids were little and someone gave us the easiest recipe in the world and we've been whipping them up ever since. Sometimes for parties, sometimes for weekends, sometimes for weddings, sometimes just for those dark wet days when nothing quite hits the spot like the gooey dark rich chocolately monsters that are my friends perfect brownies. 

Now I'm thoughtful as I make these having just wrenched a fresh egg from under the chooks arse in the garden. Yes, we are on days like this a very messy domestic goddess, or at least from the outside world that's how we look. The lamb shanks are on the range bubbling away, rosemary, garlic and shallots all doing their thing in the very beautiful cast iron pot, the colour of aubergine (the pot not the shanks, well not yet anyway.).  Dogs are walked, hens are fed, laundry is folded. Kitchen still looks like a work in progress but hey, I'm an artist in here I tell myself.

So the brownies, I'm baking them today not for church, not for school, not for the kids, not for the rellies, I'm baking them for my recovery group. A way to celebrate quietly with other humans who know what its like to be clutched to the heart by behaviours that become so compelling that you just can't help yourself. So today I celebrate, and I am celebrating quietly in real life that I've not drunk any wine for 60 whole days.

Sixty Days no wine, and I am still able to breathe, who knew?

Why so quiet I hear you ask? Well, no one really knows what kind of a problem I had. No one knew, really, the extent of my drinking. No one knows I've stopped aside you lovely lot and one real life friend. One, and she's not taking it too well. But, lets hope she adjusts to this sober me. I hope so.

A while ago, possibly years, I knew that alcohol and I were not really friends. I drank more than I wanted. I embarrassed myself often, when one wee drink let to several, the paranoia the next morning was crippling, and yet I carried on. I've met friends for a quick drink and gone home rat-arsed on the train. For me the compulsion to drink until I feel quiet in my head, is overwhelming. I drink when I'm happy, I drink when I'm sad. I drink with friends, sure, but mostly I drink alone. Here at this kitchen table, I'd have a glass of wine at gone five, possibly six. No harm in that I hear you say. Well maybe if I left it at one drink, maybe no harm. Maybe if I didn't drink everyday, maybe no harm. But, for me one drink always leads to many more.  Hardly anyone knows except me, how much I drank. And, I don't exaggerate when I say a bottle of wine a night and some became more and more normal for me. Everyone does it I told myself. Everyone.

But, I'm finding out slowly but surely whilst my behaviour isn't abnormal, women of my age (46 3/4) can be prone to drinking after a busy day, stressful work, noisy but adorable kids, partner with spikey cactus pants on, lonely, overwhelmed, dealing with issues their poor brain just can't cope with.  Lots of people drink, some have issues like mine. I'm not alone. That was a surprise. Some people can drink a couple drinks and stop, I'm learning I can't. To the outside world, I appear normal, or slightly normal anyway. Domestic goddess (I think not), good mother, capable lady, happily married, just don't look right into my eyes, don't see the cracks in it all.

Living a 24/7  kind of life trying to be and do the best for everyone else, sometimes it seems, we get a bit lost. And, for a short while wine stops the chatter, dulls the problems, silences the issues we've hidden for so long. For a short while it works. But after a while, we need more and more. After a while, this 'mute button a the bottom of a bottle of Chardonnay' pushes back. It takes our sleep, it makes us anxious, raises our paranoia and leaves us feeling betrayed alone and yet the compulsion to drink more of it, is overwhelming.

And, so we try and stop. The wine bites back, we manage a day maybe two and then we find we've forgotten how hollow that 'mute' can be. We try again to drink, this time moderately. Quite frankly for me moderating is about as much use as a chocolate teapot. I just can't do it. Actually I'm now more frightened of moderating than I am of staying sober. Well at least for today. So for now, quietly from here, I hold out my chocolate brownie to you to say thank you for those who've supported me along this road so far.

So in my best Scottish accent (which isn't very good at all) I say to you all 'Mon, ben the hoose, come bide a while, sit doon, hay a sonsie wee seat, mon lets raise a wee cuppy to sixty days aff the fawing doon juice'.

[Come, through the house, stay a while, sit down, have a comfy seat. Come raise a cup of tea to sixty days off the wine'.

Thank you for the sober tools I've learnt from friends throughout the world, for a really unsavoury and yet calming introduction to Wolfie, that voice in my head that tells me I'm broken and useless and rubbish and if I have a glass of wine, I'll forget it all. Well isn't he a bag of shit. Who knew that wasn't really my best self looking after me? Thank you all for showing me, whilst its hard, there's more to life than escaping into a wine glass. Small steps but for today, we celebrate. With tea, obviously, not wine. Even if Wolfie tells us that celebrating being sober with a glass of wine is the right thing to do. Erm, no, he's wrong. Brownies all round I say. Thank you. I'm off to my meeting, brownies in hand, smiling at sixty days. I'm actually proud. 

Lamb shanks, garlic, rosemary, winter punch (not red wine) and veg. YUM it was too.

A wee quiet celebration tea later on, lamb shanks, my favourites. He'll ask what the occasion is, very decadent lamb shanks on a Wednesday. I'll just mumble, thought we could do with a treat, why not. He's noticed the reduction in my wine scoffing, but not the extent of the problem, still my secret.

Could I be you? Probably not, your kitchen is probably tidier, But I know right now, I'm no longer alone with that nagging voice in my head telling me that a glass of wine will solve everything. I'm learning it won't.

ETA Brownie recipe here. Thanks for asking.

Day 55 - Vulnerability and the wholehearted

Hope you're well today? Well, I was at a local 'writing group' last night, free class, lots of aspiring writers and little old me. Lots of angst when I go to these as I don't really feel like I belong. I write, sure, but normally its non-fiction. So I'm always a little out of my comfort zone.  Its all 'premises and adjectives'. Fuck knows what they mean. Personally I just write 'stuff'. Its all stuff. I don't really care how it tumbles out, as long as it gets out of my brain. My reward for going use to be a big fat bottle of wine right after the class finished. Not last night.

I like going as these are people I'd normally have nothing in common with. Its a bit out of my comfort zone, so that's good for me I think. Its free, free is good. But, I feel quite vulnerable when I'm there. I'm dyslexic, diagnosed late, I struggle to read out loud and sentence structure is to me, something that tumbles out like a drunken spider. But, I do OK. Thus far, I've managed. So the idea of me at a writing group makes me somehow smile, its a bit ironic. I struggle so with words. It makes me feel very vulnerable. We agree though, we all like words. They  like their words to be well thought and meaningful. I'm just fucking grateful mine end up on a page. Its why I blog, no angst here about how the words/thoughts are, they just need out of my head. And, I'm so grateful that you'll let me write them. 

I've been on a bit of a vulnerable journey this week, therapy, addicts group session, sharing time with some folks I don't' know so well, sharing time with folks which I know well but are changing, talking more with my husband. Its been quite a vulnerable week, all in all.

Folks at my addict group session were talking beforehand, as I snuck in, car keys in hand, sober treats in the car in a recycled bag, just blown in from Sainsbury's.  I feel as if I get a few 'what are YOU doing here looks'. I'm sure I don't but I don't yet feel very connected in my group and for a rule I always feel like an outsider, so that's me not them. I guess that the 'connections' here, will come in time, I'm new to this and need to give it a chance. But I'm asked to read the opening statement. Now, I really don't read well out loud, like really, I always have. Don't get me wrong, I read ferociously, but that's half the issue my eyes are furlongs away from my mouth when I'm reading. I stumble, I retrace, I fall, I try again. Words dance about the pages and I stumble and falter but eventually sounding like a slow five year old standing in front of the teacher I get there. Eventually. Someone meets my eyes and smiles in a kind of well done kind of way. Well they know that secret now, they know that shame, how much worse can the rest of it be? I relax. Its a good meeting.

Today a friend sent me a link about a TED talk she'd heard recently by Brene Brown (link below). I think its worth a share here. It certainly made me think. She also recommended her book, (photo at top.)

She (Ms Brown) talks about worth v. worthiness, she talks about shame, of being loved and of fear and unconnection.

She studied the difference between those who feel connection and love and tried to understand what lead to their sense of worthiness. The key to this seems to be the sense that its OK to be vulnerable, in fact without vulnerability we may struggle to find true happiness/love/worthiness.

Self love, self worth, whole-heartedness. I'm not sure I have any of that. I'm not sure I want vulnerable, but it seems that without it real connections can't really be made. Compassion to ourselves before others, help, I'm scared.

Vulnerability = beautiful according to Brene. Scares the shit out of me being vulnerable. No siree no vulnerability for me.

But, she suggests we don't generally embrace vulnerability as a society, generally we numb it.

we numb vulnerability

The minute the word NUMB was mentioned alarm bells started in my head. Oh NUMB, I like NUMB, it makes me feel safer, I hide. No feelings please. Much safer, nothing to see here.

But the numbing agents (credit, addictions, food, medication) bite back. 

No feelings means no feelings, no joy, no happiness, no scardeycatpants, no pain, short term fixes leading largely to nothing except shame. And, shame keeps us isolated.

We all know how Wolfie likes shame and isolation.

So that's where I'm at today. Thinking that the very act of saying, I think I have an alcohol problem. Of reaching out, of speaking of connecting, I'm putting my vulnerability on a platter with a side of hope.

With small changes like that, there's always hope.

And with connections there's always friendship and experience.

A sense of belonging.

And gratitude.

And love.

The first steps I guess are showing vulnerability, asking for help, hearing a fellow voice, knowing we're not alone.

For that, I thank you all. And, if you're reading this, feeling alone. Please know that you're not. Reach out.

Words make me feel vulnerable, but without them, scattered over a page, reaching out, spidery sentences, shit grammar and no care for the structure, without them, no one would read. Better that they're out and published, than in and fraughtly stuck in eternal 'edit'. So forgive my tumbled words, like me they're clumsy, but they mean well.

I'll leave you with that TED talk. If you can watch, please try. Maybe its the researcher in her that I like. My inner pragmatist wants everything fixed, a bit like Ms Brown.

Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability (20 mins, make a cuppa and watch)

Brené Brown studies human connection — our ability to empathize, belong, love. In a poignant, funny talk, she shares a deep insight from her research, one that sent her on a personal quest to know herself as well as to understand humanity. A talk to share.

Sober views tomorrow, a week in pics, I'm quite excited about that. Have a great day.

Day 47 - when did I become second best?

Breakfast time, the hugest change ever and sober treats, they had no lilies so I got roses instead. Cute huh?

So I've noticed a shift, no weight loss (unlikely given current food guzzelling rates) but a wee shift.

I make my breakfast, yes breakfast, not just painkillers, and I make my coffee, I make my blah blah blah before I deal with the universe. Normally I'm second, or third or fourth or I forget about me. Part of that the eternal hangover? Part of that feelings of low self esteem? Part of that how I treat myself, like I don't matter? 

Here's the change.

I make and eat my breakfast, this is mainly because I am starving.

So -

The chickens breakfast gets done after mine.

The dogs breakfast gets done after mine.

I speak to people after I've had a bath.

I make sure I eat properly.

I clear the table in the kitchen, now you know what its like we've a large kitchen table and its always a dumping ground for everything. Last night I thought, erm no, you've just bought flowers, you can't see them. Clear the table. Do it for you, the dogs won't care. (They don't have long legs, so they can't see).

So I come first.

I'm not saying this attitude will stay forever, but its a change. My husbands trip got extended. I'm so glad (you see I said GLAD) I stopped drinking because I'd planned a whole weeks guilt-free drinking whilst he was away. He's likely now to be away for almost 3 weeks. Can you imagine what kind of mess I would have got myself in? Three weeks of a binge. YUK.

I'm looking after me. OK so its all small steps, but its a change. I know I need to look after myself if this is ever going to work. Who knew eh?

Entering Day 47 full of shredded wheat, multi-vits, and everything still gets done. 

PS the sober treat of flowers, less than a bottle of wine. I talk about things in bottle of wine equivalents (EQ's). Sober flowers 3/4 of a bottle of wine EQ's, much better for me too.

Wine now equals = very expensive wee.

In so many ways.

Have a great day!

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

Day 40 - Adding more sober tools

So on my 40th Sober Day, I started at a SMART session the local alcohol rehabilitation centre. I've been accepted into for some one to one therapy and it also offers these group sessions. Ever keen to get my 'sober tool box' well equipped, I thought it can't hurt. And, they had free coffee. Free coffee is good. Like anything I do when frightened, and I was scared, I arrived in the nick of time with seconds to spare, no time to think about anything but go. The whole 'live by the seat of your pants thing' works for me when I'm inclined to just slope off into my comfort zone. So I arrived 'just' in time no escape. 

So it was scary, not much sharing, but some 'checking in' (where are you now, how has your week been) and some examples of tools for coping with 'urges' [which always sounds like a sweaty word, urges] but you know what I mean.

And, also some discussion about that 'voice' in your head telling you to drink, how to cope with it and its bullshit. I think they called it 'unreasonable thoughts' but lets face it the voice talks rubbish like 'just have one drink' or ' no one will know' or 'you've earned it' or eventually if you're like me 'its Tuesday, you stepped in a puddle, its raining, you need a drink to cope'. You know THAT voice, the one Belle calls Wolfie, that wee voice saying you can reward yourself, console yourself or be happier 'with a drink'. 

Best advice for that voice? Tell it to shut up. It lies. Swear at it, drown it in the bath, wait it out. All good stuff, which by now I know works after a bit.

So going was interesting, its a small group. Its hosted by a recovering drinker, which was oddly comforting. Nearly five years sober and smiling. Like, really smiling. And, as far as I'm aware really happy, really happy. Others in the group were very nice and its all confidential but not as scary as I thought it might be. They didn't lie they told me it would be hard, but worth it. And they told me it would be safe and private and it was. Very.

I wasn't sure I would go, I don't have to, but right now, I need everything 'bib and braces' (belt and braces) I think my grandad use to say, like double bagging. Better to try it all then fail because on a lack of support. So I've added this to my sober tools. 

Not really so brave, as I'm new here. Like really new. I know no one out with my new home, only my husbands family live a half hour away. My own friends/family at least one hour.  So I feel safe in myself going to sessions, having been, I think I might well have been 'safe' going to one in my old life but I didn't feel safe, so I didn't go. I wasn't ready. I think it was a sober podcast or the bubble hour where someone talked about how much, like me they value the online sober community support (you're all stars!!). They did say too that engaging with folks in their area helped to and they were glad they'd done that so I was brave and I went.

I listened today to a person today saying that they managed to change by staying away from their friends. For now I think that's safer for me. Unless I'm driving. No one questions a person who's driving not drinking. I also got told to stay out of my 'drinking' place, well I drink at home so that's harder, but I've tried to change my routine a bit.

I also talked to my husband a bit on the phone about how sometimes (MONSTER under exaggeration here) I think I use wine as a bit of a switch off, a bit of an emotional support and I'd rather cope in other ways, with less wine. He's convinced I don't have a drinking problem, I'm never falling down drunk. [No lovely man, I just slip off the sofa, sozzled, pickled as a cucumber.] 

But I just said I'm happier right now, not drinking [sort of true, sort of not exactly true], but I'm emotional [very true], so I'd like someone to talk to. He's supportive and now in the loop that I'm starting some therapy.   He's said hes happy, if I'm happier not drinking then that's cool.  We're good.

That's all I've got to share with him right now, I hid my drinking big style. He knows I'm taking some time out. He's not counting, I am. 

That's enough for now. That's all I've got to share. I need to look after myself.

I hid so much of my drinking, the deceit and the lies, the excuses. Well, I'm done with them. 

But, this journey is MINE, and for me. Maybe I'll share it all one day with my family, I probably won't.  That's my choice. I'm a mum, whilst I have responsibility for myself, my relationship with drinking is private. So is my recovery. I'm quietly using the 'recovery' word, I know its early days, please don't scare it away. Its shy and a bit flibbertygibbertyish. I whisper when I say it, but I feel like I'm on my journey, even if I'm hiding it from my family. My choice.

Sometimes privacy is bittersweet. But, that's my choice.

So, a very quiet Happy 40 days to me, I'll sing to myself in the bath later.

Sober brave girl at a meeting. They told me to make a 'treat box' for myself today, you know I might just do that. A box just for me. I must think more about that.

Sober Mum, phoned both kids tonight for a chat. Told my daughter if she keeps standing me up on skype I'll send the dogs round for a good lick-to-death.  

Sober Wife, long lovely chat from his hotel room, with himself. Sober. Sober. Sober. Proper chat. I should hit 50 days before he's home. Maybe 55 I'm not sure exactly when he's back.

PS one of the tools suggested today was a 'sober diary', looks like you're stuck with me. Bad luck my diary is here to stay!

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you. Have a great day.

Day 38 - Overwhelm and getting things done.

My sober bed

So rather than write at night when the mood can be skewed by the cravings for alcohol, I thought today I'd write early. Actually so early, I'm still in bed. Actually I'm in my new 'sober bed' this was my first 'big' treat for being sober a month. So, as I got restless last night, nothing much settling me in the empty house, I built it. And, made it up and moved right in. I had a brilliant sleep, thanks for asking!

As part of changing my daily drinking routine we literally swapped bedrooms from the main bedroom to the lounge's comfy and cosy sofa bed. We've been cosy in there since early October, my husband is more than a bit tolerant of my crazy wishes, so when I said, lets 'camp' in the lounge, it's cosy in there, he agreed.  I really needed to change my routine of drinking on the sofa every night. Drinking on the bed, or in bed, whilst I've done it, not so cool. And, it worked a wee tweak to my routine, I swapped hot chocolate for wine. Its been a sober month while now camping in the lounge. But, it was only temporary. I've been hankering after a quieter space, he's a TV on to sleep kind of person and I am not. So I need a quiet space to hide in.

With my husband away this week, I'd left building the bed until he'd gone to give me lots to do. He's not much of a DIY'r and I love pottering about. So I've enjoyed clearing the room myself and making up a bed, which was straightforward. Just as well. I know that I'm not good with overwhelm, for me its a real trigger into unworthiness and self loathing which leads to drinking. 

Not last night, I thought about the task at hand and limited what I'd promise myself I would do. I didn't build the bed in the master bedroom, it would have been just too much to take down one bed and move it and swap things about. For a while now, I've been hankering after the spare room and sub-conciously I think I bought my sober bed for this room. It doesn't overlook the village streets, Its quiet and private, it overlooks the garden. It feels safer and more private in here. I like this space.

Its a nice space. So I've folded up the sofa bed for now, moved myself into my new uncluttered space with the new bed, my sober bed. 

Its calm and quiet. 

I like it. 

I need to work on making other parts of my life this quiet and uncluttered. And, to get things done, quietly and slowly without overwhelm.

Not just a sober bed, a sober thinking bed at that. A really good nights sleep. Really good.

Well that's me, time for breakfast I think. Have a great day whatever you're up to. And, yes breakfast is a part of my new sober thing, with the vitamins and the baths. Small changes, big impact. 

PS Oh and the chocolate thing seems to have vanished as quickly as it came. Life is funny. My eating chocolate freaked my husband out more than my saying I was giving up the wine for a bit.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.