Fathers Day

Its funny how you can get through a day like yesterday and not be mad with booze. It destroyed my own family as a child and it took my Dad from me. He was 52 when he died, I'm five years away from there. Fathers day to me doesn't mean much. My Dad was a mean drunk to my Mum and drank relentlessly, supported by the culture around him. A squaddie in the army, social club on every base, he played the guitar and sang for his beers. And, let me tell you, he sang a lot.

Its been quite a triggery week here, more than I'd ever have expected. Full on job, full on house renovations, then cleaning like a beast to make it ready for selling. It seems like this past week has been relentless, but quite a 'normal' family one in most houses.

And, let me tell you its been so stressful, going to sleep thinking of how much time there is. Waking up wondering how to fit it all in. Trying to juggle kids, ask for help when we can, sort driving and some normality into all of this.

I've been so tempted by 'switch off juice', so tempted and that's with father who's gone because of it.

Relationships here have been easier than expected but not as great as they once were. I waved my daughter off late last week for 2 months or so, my eyes leaked substantially.  My heart felt like it was breaking again but I got home, had a bath, curled up on the sofa and just wept. My nest is partially empty again, she's home later this year, back to uni. I've had my 11 days for the summer break. Its not much but being a single parent means sharing with a new family. I just hope they appreciate her as much as I do.

My son is still here. That's a happy situation.

We managed to have some quality time, the three of us but its still not right. As much as I hope they never knew about my drinking, sometimes I can' only think, of course they were affected by it.

Who couldn't be.

I've missed my SMART meetings for the past week or is it two? Lifes just been too chaotic, no time. So I MUST attend this week or find time to go to something, I'm sorely missing my sober fixes.

But, the solicitor has been, the surveyor has been and that is moving now.

Time for more sober time. Belle's audio this week was about 'drifting' from sober support. As we slowly get back into more 'normal' life we can sometimes drift back into bad habits, not necessarily drinking initially but we lose the sober treats, we stop touching base, reaching out, we have no sober time, eventually, sometimes we drink.

So no more drift. The audio ran through my head like alarm bells.

Happy Fathers Day Dad, you silly silly bugger, I wish I knew now what I didn't know when I shut out your visits and calls. When I said you couldn't see your grandchildren, not once. I didn't understand about how cruel alcohol can be when you're drowing in it.

I wish I'd thrown you a sober life jacket.

You lost it all.

I can't do that.

And yet when lifes insane and I'm half demented trying to get it all done, I think of drinking wine.

That's the truth, but lets not go there.

And, lets not drift.