Timeless, not in a good way.

I'm more this........

I'm anxious, I'm having quite bad dreams and I'm just not right. I'm also physically ill again, which doesn't really help. Don't get me wrong, I'm sober and lifes challenges seem endless but I'm happier than I have been for years. But, I have zero balance. Like none.

I've been pondering the chores/improvement/fun life balance too and thinking about what someone in our group said (nameless of course as our group is totally, like, confidential). When pondering this tree legged stool of which might be a life balance tool, they threw me off kilter by saying, I guess if you're all pleasure and no chores, its not good either.

That got me thinking, I've still got load of paperwork/life admin to sort out, so I keep slumping off into the garden/walking/anything-but-do-it. Its making me nigglesome  I think and anxious. But, if asked in one word to describe myself 'hedonist' would have been it. All about the pleasure see.

Which is probably why I'm writing instead of replying to comments. No discipline.

But I also take pleasure, like main-line-it by helping others. I so know I have issues. I'm a serious people pleaser. I'm not sure if its still an insecurity thing, or if its now so ingrained in who I am. I like to help, I like to be super busy. Why, I wonder, can't I just be still. Lots to work on there I'm sure.

I'm very good at being super-helpful in most aspects of my life, so I've taken on extra work, my boss is leaving, my kids are home, I'm doing driving lessons for one and trying to regroup relationship with the other. I'm helping a friend renovate her garden (yes of course I'll come and take out all of your giant decking on my first day off in weeks, can I bring my son so we can have a driving lesson afterwards too and we can spend some mum/son time?) I genuinely don't mind helping, shes a great chum and needs a hand and I love gardening. And this week we decide, its the perfect week to organise a house sale, much needed, has been on the cards for ages and just happens to have dropped into the equation too.

Case study for work, no problem. Next week OK. Of course. And, some extra teaching at work, yup no bother.

I realise I sound like a martyr, but really I'm not, I'm just not very good at saying no because I like helping people. Alarm bells right there, help people, don't help myself much eh?

In the midst of my self-made chaos I thought it would be a really good idea to arrange a big family sleepover with some of our dear chums (gin family chums). Remarkably this went really well, aside a day spent cleaning. I mean really, who cleans? Suddenly my husbands, 'maybe we should get a cleaner once you're working' seems like such a good statement. (I of course met this with, erm, you think I can't clean initially, but I see his point. Who wants to spend a whole day off cleaning the bloody kitchen. Not I.)

So in my shiny house, my friends arrived. I'd armed myself with many sober lovely juices and some alcohol free champagne like fizz. I texted and told my chum no gin for me, I'm not drinking. It was met with a bit of an eyebrow raise but respected. She even brought some low alcohol fizz (a nice thought but at 5% I didn't bother, mines was zero percent). I also ate more food that is probably safe, but I wanted no temptation and so filled up on food not booze.

So there was gin here, and I didn't drink it and sent it home. Something is working inside of me, even if it isn't balance. I was pleased about that. But, I know that I can't keep tearing about like a sober lunatic in other aspects of my life. I need to stand back and take some time to think.

I caught myself yesterday thinking, there's just no time. I need to make time.

Totters off to reply to comments, before I dash out the door, because you know I'm trying to get some discipline and balance in my life. I feel totally timeless, but not in a good way.

Last night I got home after nine, had a bath and then went and watered the garden. I got a bit of me time before I collapsed in a heap on the sofa. I'm not complaining, but I'm reminding myself that no time leads to overwhelm. Overwhelm for me, like many others, often leads to drinking.

I'm not drinking, so I must sort out this timeless thing.

Have a good one sober lovelies. And yes I know I need to give something up. There are only 24 hours in one day.