Turning a corner

Hey here I am, strikes a wave, smiles a bit and says hello. I'm out of my funk. And, I've turned a corner. With myself, with some of my friends and with my family I think. Mainly I think this is all in my head but I do 'feel' different.

I'm touched by the reaching out I've had and will reply to each comment soon, I promise. My work/life/home balance isn't' great at the moment. Some of this is me, some of this is those around me, some of this is work and some of it is just the time of year and life. My online/real life balance has been seriously knocked, so I've mainly had a computer holiday. It seemed the only way to go forward and not get overwhelmed. And, overwhelm for me seems to be drinking. But, that being said, I do feel like I've turned a bit of a sober corner. More about that later......

Funny that today then, having made room in the crazy life of children arriving back from uni (car loads of stuff, how many boxes have I shifted??) I managed to make room for my SMART meeting, which I'd missed last week due to family stuff too. I really wanted to go and for once I moved non-essentials to allow me to get there. It was worh the trip.

We looked at life balance today and had a chat about it all. I have to say as much as I enjoy SMART there are a few thing they do with the way they phrase things that could be better. Or maybe just my inner-layman prefers easy words. So we did this.......to try and see where our lives were balanced (or not)! And, for me in the midst of juggling several family balls and work, life balance was the perfect topic for me.

The Three Column Technique.

TO DO: What I have to do (work for money, chores cooking etc) (Smart calls this Practical)
COULD DO: What I do to improve me (self help, college, self improvement, educate or challenge me) (Smart calls this Purposeful)
SHOULD DO: What do I do for fun. (Things to relax and have fun, with myself or family or both) (Smart calls this Pleasurable)

So you write these three at the top of a page or a white board and think about what you do for each. Generally I think the emphasis in life for many of us is on the chores and we do a bit from the other two columns. Sometimes the third column lacks the most the fun part. So ideally its about looking at what you're doing in each part of your life and trying to get more balance.

Interestingly I use to do the first two almost 24 hours a day, inbetween a bit of the last column which was always drinking. Which lead to the chores/work being sloppy and the drinking being the only pleasure in my life. I felt like I deserved it, I worked SO HARD. But, that also meant the wine kicked in and my brain went bye-bye and nothing was constructively done at home. I really did work hard, but I didn't really give it my all.

Make sense?

I found it an interesting exercise. I know my balance still isn't right, but I'm getting there, sort of, somehow. Or at the very least I know its not quite there yet, and I know it needs work.

So, this corner I turned. I went and got brave and got an opportunity to tell my best drinking buddy who was staying last week. And, to be fair I was dreading her coming. She's a drinking thurst as big as my own. Or that's how I perceive it. So I was dreading her arrival. I am trying to work on 'acceptance' that if she wants to drink in my house, whilst I can make a lot of noise, I can either accept that she does or really fall out about her not coming with booze. We're booze heads that's what we do.
But, here's the thing. I didn't ask her not to bring booze but she didn't. She brought delish juice.

RESULT.

I had immense guilts over the weekend of 'punishing her' by not allowing her to drink. But, I rid it out and talked to my husband about it. He said, if it bothers you, tell her. If she's your friend, she'll understand.

Later in the weekend, we were talking about stress and accepting the things we can't change. I think the phrase 'if you can't change it, you can change your reaction to it' came out. We're both having to work at our lives and our self esteem. Her issues are different but a bit similar to mine. Anyways, long and short of this tale is that I said, 'asking you not to drink really stressed me out, but I know right now I can't have booze in my life'. Her reply was simple and sweet she said she loved coming and it was a bit of a holiday for her liver being with me. She didn't mind staying and not drinking (I don't know if this is kindness or just that her drinking voice isn't as bad as I thought it was).

So you see, a bit of a corner.

In the meantime I'm going to really look at my work/life/fun balance and see if I can't fathom how to have my online and real life in a bit more balance too.

Thank you so much for reading and posting and mailing, I'm sorry if I'm slow but I'm trying to get a balance!

I would have been 8 months sober today if I hadn't drank on my birthday, but I'm in the 37 days on my living sober little counter. And that's OK.  I learnt a lot about 'just the one' and how it mangles your sober head, so onwards for me!

Hugs, sober love and light.