Day 7 & 8 The Weekend madness

I ask myself for a woman who works (7 hours a week is work right?) why on earth are the weekends harder when it comes to 'not drinking'. Its not like the days are any different when you're new in town and have no [outside the house] job. Anyway dear hearts we clattered through it like a petulant child. We had baths and ate for Scotland. I bought myself some plants. OK so I'm broke, seriously broke, so my credit card bought me some plants. Less than I would have put on the card all week for wine, but somehow that's different. I've also been cleaning. The worktops, the kitchen etc. Its madness.

OK, so less with the moaning, yes I'm sleeping better (once I can actually get to sleep), who knew husbands could breath so loudly. Not me, I usually zonk out due to wine. Although drinking water late, not so great for waking you up early doors but no paracetamol this week. Note to self must see a Dr, or at least find one this week.

I got pretty stressed over the weekend about others mis-using my time, in fact I actually got quite angry about it, two days almost 'lost' through a lack of focus and direction.

That's my time your stealing, time stealer.

So I'm lummoxing between, argh there's too much time and, don't steal my time dude. As always I'm nothing if erratic about things.

I took one 'no shame here' trip to the recycling point today in the village, our glass recycling is communal so normally its a wee sneak out. But today, one bottle (from dinner last weekend, last time I drank folks) and one jar. No shame here.

Its been a hard week, I know drinking is bad for me but am I ready to give up forever? I dunno. Last night I got agitated, so I started cleaning and my head was doing this stupid monologue.

'Just drink'
'I'm cross, I might'
'Just drink, it can't hurt, its the last day of the weekend, you deserve a drink, you've been soooooooooo good. It can't hurt'.
'I know'
'Just one bottle wine, you could drink one of his special ones'
'I might'
'You could pop out and buy a bottle' [its 8pm]
'I might, Belle says she can wait a week, but I might go and get one'
'Why not, your time's been robbed this weekend, get some wine, relax'.
'I might, I could just have one, I never said I'd give up forever'.
'Why not, you deserve it no one will know, why do they have to, normal folks drink on the weekend'
'Im working tomorrow, might not be a great idea but who cares and I'll know'
'Why not, no one has to know'
'Well there is his cider in the fridge, one of them won't hurt. I just want one drink, that's not the same as getting drunk'
'You could but you prefer wine, you'd need at least two ciders to make you nice and relaxed'.
'I don't want cider and I don't want to drink his special wine.'
'Go get some'
'No, its late, I cant' be bothered going out, leave me alone I'm grumpy'.
[Silence]

That's the sound of the weekend madness. So I cleaned the sitting room, like a deep (ish) clean between 7-8pm at night, like a lunatic. Weekend madness.

All the while I'm eating like a beast. At this rate I'll not fit through doorways to be able to get any wine soon. More cleaning, less eating.

I'm a stone heavier than when I got married last year. Sometime soon, send jaw wire. I need to shift this weight as my trousers are held up by an elastic band, like when I was pregnant. What is it with the need to eat/drink sugary stuff? I was hoping for a willowy, dropped off the weight cos I've stopped the wine, figure by now, its been a week.......sigh, longer. Oh ok,

No kid action over the weekend, but hardly surprising as I saw them both on Thursday. They're good, I did message both, so we'll talk early in the week.

This weekend, sober [grumpy] girl, sober mum, sober wife.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

Day 6 - Normal people

So Day 6 was pretty challenging on the 'sod it, what harm can it actually do, I'm having a drink, who cares, this is ridiculous surely I can have a bottle on wine, its not hurting me'. How soon we forget was it only a week ago I'd been writing about how much I HURT, all over. I want to drink wine. That's normal on a Friday night. I like wine. Normal people can drink wine and its OK. I want to be normal and drink wine on a Friday night and its OK. I want to be normal. I'm not normal, if I drink on Friday, I'll drink on any day with an 'a' in the week and probably for a few more months before I have even one day off. Pah.

I reached out.

I had a bath.

I'm still here.

I didn't actually die of wine dehydration. Who knew.

So I'm at the cusp of my first week actually sober, out of choice. Who knew that was possible.

Why are the weekends harder. I ask this openly as a 'WHY?????'. I work at home, I'm at home most of the time, in reality for me, the weekends are not really a change in my routine, aside the husband being home. It's not like I need a treat for it being a Friday/Saturday/Sunday. They happen every week. But, they're a great excuse to drink.

I took lots of advice, I got supplies in (sweets, non-alcoholic drinks, comfort food) and I hunkered down.

When it got bad, I reached out, I had a bath. Lavender helps. Soggy wet hair helps. Getting into PJ's infront of the fire helps. It doesn't help the cravings but it seems to put a bit of distance/perspective [self-sabbotage?] between me and the wine-infested brain monster.

OK, so you want to go out in you pj's and with a soggy mop of hair out into the dark and the cold to drive 5 miles each way to the nearest shop. Really? What on earth will you tell him, there sitting on the sofa, settled and comfy. You're having a 'wine emergency'? Don't be stupid.

So my and my stupid wine-infested brain monster went to bed. Grumpy. [And slept for 10 hours.]

I'm still oh so grumpy. Normal people can drink, why can't I?

Three guesses.

Today I was a sober [grumpy] girl, a sober mum [by text] and a sober wife.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

Day 5 - Family time

So yesterday I didn't drink, it was a crazy button pushing day, even by my chaotic standards was an unusual day, but it was good. We went to two cities in around two hours. And, I was not hungover and I was sober.

One of my 'triggers' got twanged yesterday. I had big plans, a trip to both cities to see my kids at uni (exciting!!) a fair bit of juggling to do to fit folks and a few friends in on the way. I live in the sticks, so when I venture out, I like to see folks. So, my plans were somewhat altered, when out of the blue dearest heart decides to take a half day and 'join me'. I love my husband I really do, hes great and spontaneous, but sometimes it feels like my life isn't my own and he decides unexpectedly to join in on something I've got planned and then everything then is on his terms. And, I tell you, that really twangs my bow.  I'm a planner but I'm also a people pleaser so of course, I was desperate to accommodate my husbands wish to join me for one of the trips.

Don't get me wrong, I'm lucky we found each other and having him join me to go visit one of my kids (in the city 80 miles away) to get something signed, was nice. However it meant my own plans/timescales/activities were totally screwed. OK so we had fun, but when met with someone taking an unexpected half day off, accommodating their agenda/needs/wishes puts me out of kilter. I'm a bit of a loan fish. Always have been and as a single parent for nearly 15 years, its just how I work. And, I'd had this trip planned, alone for two weeks. Not once did he mention joining me. 

So, I'm ungrateful. Well no, the day's activities were good. Although my day was impacted by having to get up into the attic and get out our ski gear, did I mention I'm a people pleaser and desperate to be loved?  Hubby decided if he was taking a day off to 'come with me' then if we went as far as the other city, there's an indoor ski place, so we might as well make the day a day out rather than just drive over for a coffee and a signature. OK so I can see the logic in this, but it meant I was frantically (unexpectedly) hunting in the 'never been into before' attic for our snow gear. I packed it, I had to then leave the dogs at home and walk them before I left rather than take them, as planned with me and go for a walk/cuppa with my son. It also meant I had to cancel a plan to see a friend, and cut short a quick morning cuppa with another chum as I was SO LATE. My plans were completely screwed, I leave late, having let a friend down, and stressed.

So, I saw my daughter as planned, (sober, no hangover, no 'can she smell wine on my skin') and had a quick cuppa with her at uni in one city when I dropped her some bits off from home. It was nice, our relationship right now is tricky, so it was good to be with her and just enjoy it, without the wine worry. Then rearranged my route/plans/day to go back and pick up my 'grumpy at having to wait for me to get out of the city' hubby. Don't get me wrong, we did have fun, but sometimes I think other peoples pressures on my time and changing my plans piss me off. Especially when you've only half an hour with someone and your partner keeps ringing to say he's finished, where are you and hurry up. Erm, I'm sorry but I'm in the city (as planned), I'm leaving in ten minutes (as planned) and I'll be with you, as soon as I can. Now, daughter dearest where were we.................

Normally I'd be sitting stressing thinking, F*** you, man I'm having a huge bottle of wine tonight. That'll show you. I've cancelled a friend, I'm not planning on getting 'really active today' I wanted a quiet cuppa with my daughter and some time with my son, I don't need to rush for you. This is MY time. I was stressed but thought to myself (in my unhangovered non-paranoid state) I'll be finished soon so you'll have to wait. And wait he did, he did not spontaneously combust because I couldn't 'please him immediately by arriving instantaneously'.

Now to be fair, whilst I'm quite 'outdoorsy', I'm quite lazy I'm a 46 year old mum. My hubby has introduced us to many things including some more crazy outdoor sports like skiing. Luckily there is an indoor slope about 2 hour drive from where we live, near my son. However, given the choice between sitting on my backside talking to my son for two hours or going skiing, I'll often take the sitting down. But, as I've been having trouble sleeping, I grudgingly thought (I've such an attitude, god sake how dare you make me have fun) anyway I grudgingly through, well at least I'll get tired if I go. So if I manage to not drink it might help me sleep.

So we ski'd for two hours. It suddenly struck me, I've no headache, I'm not grumpy doing this because I'm hungover. OK so that plans changed unexpectedly, but I'm having fun. I'm sober.

So I managed to see both kids, no hangover. We had some fun and some chat, no worrying about the smell of wine on my skin. 

Remarkably on the way home, as he wanted to stop for some juice, I didn't do my usual, 'I'll just get some milk too and some wine'.  I was right there, outside the shop at Wine O' Clock.  Normally I'd have any excuse to make sure that stop involved wine.

There was a niggly Wolfie voice saying, 'Your day was screwed up today, he changed all your plans. People always ask alot of you and you try your best to please everyone. Have a bottle of wine, you deserve it'. 

For once my other inner voice said. 'I'm lucky they want and need me, so go away'.

So they did screw up my original plans, but just to try and join me and have fun with me. And you know what, my dogs were fine, my friend and I rearranged our meet up and I got an extra half day with my husband, I saw both of my kids and drove right in the middle of the city (with no alcohol in my blood or leaving my blood, no hangover).

I also didn't plan my drinking early so I could do such a big drive the next day early.

Yesterday I was a sober mum, a sober wife and a (grumpy) but sober girl. 

(I also ski'd sober, with no hangover, for my first time ever. Skiing is not easy, so why do I think doing it with a hangover/with a drink is a good idea?)

Please excuse the swearing, my inner writing head has a foul mouth.

So we're on Day 6, the weekend is looming, I'm a bit scared but so glad I didn't cave in yesterday and think I deserve a drink, they make me do it by asking too much of me.

I'm a Mum, Wife, Friend - I'm lucky. I don't want to ruin that.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

PS I'm going to try and write shorter - my waffling is unreal.

Day 4 - Tired and Sore

So to sum up yesterday. Tired and sore. A bit overwhelmed at other folks cancelling my plans and then un-cancelling them, a bit panicky having to go and actually sort things out and say, erm no I'm sorry I cannot now come along and help at this class as actually I've made other plans. Of course this was followed by several hours of hand wrangling and head juggling. I don't like to let folks down. I often take on too much, but for once, I decided to not dash around like an idiot and said I'm sorry I just can't manage that since YOU changed the initial arrangement. You're out of my diary, whilst I'm sorry, its not my fault. OK so I'm wracked with guilt, but hey, I didn't move the goal posts to begin with. Shaking and nervous I went in person and tried to sort it out. Can't say that I met with very many helpful and co-operative folks, but I tried. I didn't get anywhere so I emailed the folks too. I tried.

This sense of overwhelming can't please folks is always a good excuse for me to drink. I went shopping, as I had to go to town and I didn't buy wine. In fact I walked down the wine aisle thinking NOPE, not today. Instead I went for a stomp on the beach, cleared the cobwebs away and calmed me down. Who shakes just because they have to say, I'm sorry but I can't make it. I'm not sure where my confidence is at the moment, but if you find it please send it back.

That would be nice.

I've got some sort of stupid virus in my eyes (like a cold, who knew that was possible?). My skins a mess, I'm tired and (whilst not as moany as I sound) just wabbit, run down, exhausted. Would be nice at some point to feel a bit better thank you very much. Patience is not a virtue I have in abundance. I  have also promised myself no more falling a sleep with the lenses in, which of course I did, most nights. Can't blame my eyes for having enough.

So to the question is alcohol adversely affecting your health. Ask my eyes, my skin and my face, they seem to think it is.

So yesterday I was a sober girl, a sober mum and a sober wife.

Busy day today I just need to try and not get overwhelmed, seems to be happening a lot lately. Then again, that's not new, Its coping with it without wine, that's new.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

Day 3 - Love the one you're with

All becomes clear below.......

Well, day 3 was a 'keep busy' and like so many have shared on various forums 'make a plan' day, thank you all! So I did, I put on my metophorical 'sober suit'. I looked after me. That's an odd thing to do, I'm a mother, I look after 'other folks' but they're gone for now, so I looked after me. I wrote, I read, I posted and most of the morning kinda disappeared. I told myself, this is OK, we're trying to try something new. I got up, late having read and posted myself to a positive state. Armed with snacks and drinks, I sloth-ed myself to late morning. I felt good.

The universe thought it would be great to watch me throw eggs over the cooker as I made myself a lovely late breakfast. I burst into tears, sticky scrambled eggs everywhere. Then I laughed and found a cloth. Really you're going to cry about eggs? I scooped up what was left in the pan and ate in the garden in sunshine. Yesterday I did a bit of reading about those spider veins on my face. The drinking veins. You can have them corrected, but until I stop drinking for good, there's really no point, is there. So yesterday I was home alone, so whilst they upset me, I didn't cover them up, they got some autumn sunshine. It was a conscious effort to leave the foundation and the make up off, I don't wear much but I wanted to see 'my face'. A few years ago those veins weren't there. Now, they're expanding and increasing slowly. When I first found them I stopped drinking for a day. Convinced I'd got advanced liver disease (gotta love the internet for diagnosis) and my face was a secondary sign. 

Of course then I read that you can get spider veins for loads of reasons, I'm a kinda of celtic colouring (reddish hair and freckles) that skin type is prone to them too. So I started to drink again telling myself it was unlikely to be the alcohol. No surprise they've got so much worse? So yesterday my skin was naked on my face, for me to see. Not hidden. I'm ashamed of my naked face, for what I might have done to it. But, I've promised it I've changed. 

Whilst I kept busy outside yesterday it seemed crazy that I drank. I enjoyed the garden and life so much more without the guilt. I had the day planned, a bit of work, a bit of garden, a hot bath, a frock and a nice dinner with my husband. Most of that worked. But it didn't really go to plan.

We had dinner, that was nice. And, then, as always, I asked him if he was going to have some time in his music room, I'd say studio but its a bedroom full of guitars, its 'his space', mines is the garden. So we parted I was going to read but then friends were texting/skyping. So instead of taking care of me, I was there for them. Normally this is the way, but normally I'm drinking. So I want him, 'away' to have 'his time' whilst I have mine. So I can drink in private.

He came back after an hour or so and I was engrossed in texting a friend and skyping my daughter via text. I don't normally talk, I don't want her to think I've been drinking so I always skype by text at night. I was a sober Mum yesterday we planned that I'd go visit her at university and bring some bits for her and a fold down bed for her pal coming to stay. My relationship with my daughter right now is not great. She's 18 and a year or so ago something switched in her head and I went from being the centre of her universe to being all things (I'd say evil, but that's too harsh) unwanted, too strict, too opinionated, too 'mum-ish'. So that relationship is very tricky and whilst I want to cry 'what have I done', I keep calm and cool and aloof and say 'if you need a help I'm here'. It kills me, but we've all agreed she needs space. 

So I put on a nice frock, we ate a nice dinner and we connected and as always, I shoo'ed my hubby off to his man cave for some 'me time'. Although this time I asked for chocolate, not wine, on his way home. Then my obsession technology proceeded to distract the evening. Not to support me, but like my old routine to talk to folks further away, like I always do, without the wine this time. 

I wonder how much I did this to him? I'm sober we have dinner. Then he's shoo'd off to have 'his space' whilst I drink. We then tuck down on the sofa, him happy and relaxed, me drunk and hiding it. He watches TV, I snuggle in and sleep, or drink more. 

Last night we didn't connect after dinner. Is it like that for him most nights? Normally I'd not notice, too fixed on my wine. Is he as lonely as I felt last night/felt today. I should have loved the one I was with instead of being sucked into texting. OK we both know the daughter stuff is tricky but last night was our night, I should have respected that.

I slept badly. Whilst I think the first night I slept well due to a hangover, last night and the night before I slept badly. Wine knocks me out, without it I'm hearing every sound as I try to get to sleep. I hear his breathing (OK so sometimes its snoring :P). And then the voice in my head started and it didn't stop. It might as well have started like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. Instead of 'Here's Johnny', it whispers, 'Here's Wolfie.' [Who I'd really hoped, didn't exist, despite hearing him previously, I was trying to be in denial.]

It said 'So, this is what you want, to lie awake all night listening to this. Its not worth it. You were good today, but  if you have some wine, you'll soon sleep. You deserve to sleep, you worked hard today. No wine, its not worth it, just have one, it will help you sleep'.  Like I'm going to start drinking at 2am. The voice replied 'You have before, it helps you sleep, just have one. There's wine in the cupboard you can always replace it [again].....'. 

Meh leave me alone. And, don't mention the bloody eggs, OK.

So a bad nights sleep, feeling totally unconnected to my partner, who lets be frank probably feels like this every night as I 'sleep' on the sofa beside him sodden in wine. Today I feel alone. I know you're all out there, I know he's here, but I feel alone.

We promised to switch off the technology tonight and have some 'time'. I need to love the one I'm with, whilst those around me I love dearly, for a few hours of a night, its our time, mine and his. He often goes biking early evening and I decline, part laziness, part it encroaches on my 'wine time' Maybe I'll come with him tonight, I owe him that.

I need to find a way of being with him that doesn't involve drinking and allows me to sleep despite the noises of the other human being I love.

More exercise today I think, maybe a long walk. I need to be tired to sleep, not blotto.

My naked face agrees. I promised to take it to the beach today.

Yesterday I was a sober girl, a sober mum and a sober wife. Even if things didn't entirely go to plan.

Bring on day 4, unchartered territory. I'm scared but hopeful and will keep busy.

If you've got this far, thanks for reading.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

Day 2 - again, same old, or new me?

So here we are again, Day 2 sober, we've had many Day 2's. Normally this is where we feel better and we drink. That's the 'royal' we of course. I don't expect anyone else do be throwing wine down their throat tonight. And, I won't be either. Its easy to have resolve at 9am, give me til 5-6ish however. Previously I've hidden my keys, got into my pj's, hidden my purse, left my purse at work. I mean how old am I, three? I have to sabotage myself to not buy wine. Seriously.

So I didn't sleep well, (sorry this is my space to whine after all :P) I went passed tired, himself was up late and as we're 'newly' living together, there's a sense of doing a few evening things together. We also ate late, maybe 9.30pm. Although its unusual, it gave me time to go online and join another sober forum and say hi. I'm trying everything, reading, online, podcasts, I'll take it all if it works.

Yesterday I came to the conclusion that this month, I'm concentrating on me. Just me and I have the luxury to do that, I've moved, I have a very small amount of paid work (7 hours) and whilst I'm not an alien, I've no connections here yet aside my own long standing circle of friends, the nearest of which is a 45 minute drive away. The kids are both resettled at university so there's no immediate pressure from them either. So I'm new in town, I'm relatively free with my time and I have the luxury of focusing on me.

Of course last week, in despair this was, no one is here, so I'll just drink of an evening, I'll feel shitty all day, because I can and there's no one here. What does it matter.

I'm trying to prove to myself that 'I' matter. Which will be a bit of an uphill battle but hey, we've got the time to try and wrestle that negative destructive part of my brain and gaffa tape its loud mouth firmly shut. I think Belle calls it 'Wolfie' that bad voice in your head. 

So my voice goes like this.......Its Tuesday, I'll drink, I've been working hard, I deserve a drink. Life's been shit, I'll get a bottle of wine, that will make it all better. You think of an excuse and I'll wonder when/how we can start drinking. I never drank during the day before and since moving I have a few times, that scares me. I've all the time in the world to drink now, currently I could as much as I want. That's scary its like being let lose in wine factory and getting told - crack on, help yourself, it doesn't matter, no one needs you today. Life's rubbish remember, they're all gone. Previously I'd say argh works to hard, kids too hard, pressure is too hard, single parenting is too hard, studying is too hard, I need a drink to switch my head off, I'm so overwhelmed/lonely/stressed/overworked/unhappy.

So guess what, life isn't shit and I'm still drinking. Am I utterly mental or what. Now I feel guilty that we have a nice life, so I drink. Honestly if the sky turns blue, I might have an excuse to drink too.

We've moved to a gorgeous new wee cottage, starting married life together, we're all (the kids and I) closer in distance than we were before and they're happy, I have chickens, I have dogs to walk, I have (finally) my own garden to cultivate and design, there are beaches to walk on and coasts nearby to explore, this area is stunning. And, yet what do I do? I drink, everyday, feel crapper and crapper. There is something clearly wrong with me.

People talk about folks being 'allergic' to alcohol, I don't know what I think about that, it makes a kinda sense. I'm not sure I get 'addiction' (says the one bottle of wine a day lady). I've always thought if folks wanted to stop (anything) they just stop. Says the bottle of wine a day lady. Truth is, I've never wanted to stop before I guess. I've thought I've needed too, but now being thrown into a new life where I can choose life or to lose life through drinking wine everyday, I want to choose life.

That's scary. I know so many folks who seem to have an 'off' switch when it comes to drinking, I don't seem to have one. I'm quite an obsessive person. I can't just dip in and out of things. My greatest passion (aside my family) is plants. So I couldn't just read a book or two, no I've been to classes and more classes and then to university and then another course, then another one, then a masters, then did a PhD. Obsessive. Its crazy. At the end of it all, I'm the same, I just like flowers am I using these bloody qualifications right now, no, I prefer to drink. That's insanity. I tell myself its bad luck, I've not found a niche yet, I'm not confident enough, I can't take a proper job cos of the family. Erm the family are gone, love. My latest excuse is that the dogs need me home, I can't possibly find a proper job. The dogs need me, really, as they sleep most of the day, as you sleep through your hangover, I'm sure they'd be fine if you find a job - or *bazinga* if you decide to actually get of your backside and either take a job OR work at home. You could do that you know. Nope you prefer to drink, that makes you feel safe. And, people scare you, remember, so best just drink, alone.

Do certain personality types drink compulsively? Or is it genetic? I think there's been work done on that. My father was an alcoholic, so that might make sense. A lot of research suggests women of my kind of age can use wine as a coping mechanism, not excuses here, just pondering. Who knows. All I know is that I don't have an off switch, I've probably done a fair bit of damage to my body, I'm hoping the damage to my family/relationships isn't bad or permanent, I've always functioned, always got up, always been there, but probably on my terms I'm beginning to see. 

I need to change that's for sure. And by the way, this needing to drink sweet, sickly milkshakes around 'wine o' clock' what's that all about. I could hear the wine bells and so I made a huge jug of it and scooped it down. I'm a lunatic.

But we knew that already right. So for today I'm promising myself I won't drink. I'm scared when I start to socailise later in the month we've a friend staying (she stayed off the wine last night too, hooray!) but we're big drinkers together. She'll bring wine, I've asked her not to bring gin. I get buzzed up quicker and drink far more, far quickly. I'm saying this now, lets see what my resolve is like. I want to stop drinking, so when she's here, I want to respect that fact that she wants to drink, that's her choice.

I won't be guilted into joining her and I'm sure she wouldn't do that anyway. But that will be tough.

Enough of my moaning. Any day three tips, please share, otherwise I might drown in milkshakes.

You see still positive, even though my skin looks like shit. I'll drink more water.

Yesterday, Day 2 I was a sober girl, a sober mum and a sober wife. I'm happy about that. 

If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

Day 1 - (again) waking up hungry.

So we're on our first day of being sober again. I'm' hoping there aren't so many 'day 1's' but if there are its more than the back to back drinking days I've been having. So whist I'm sad I'm not on day 4, I'm glad I'm on Day 1 again. If all I do during this is reduce instead of stop, that will do to start with. That's not my defeatist voice, I'm beginning to realise that I need to stop totally, but I've fallen so many times, I think I need to accept that sometimes I'm not as strong as I hope I am. But yesterday armed with milkshakes (still no clue why) we made it through the evening, sober.

I woke up hungry. Actually gut wrenchingly, OMG I need to eat, hungry. And, I woke up at 6am. Not at the normal 3-4am desperate for a drink of water and some headache tablets, but 6am. I'm naturally a very groggy sleeper. Its one of my (previous) excuses for drinking. I sleep so heavily that waking is a curse, it takes a good while to be able to function. I've always been the same from a small child. Sleeping I like, waking up kills me. I'm not one of those 'napping' types as I feel like shit after a nap. So whilst it took me unawares I guess the groggy morning wake up me is the non-alcohol morning me. Although not getting up to hide the bottles, tidy the kitchen of any traces of drinking, rehydrate, worry about if anyone knows, worry about what I've said/done. Did he know I'd had a whole bottle, was I slurry, was I stupid, did I do anything really silly. No none of that today, just hungry.

Husband leaves around 6.45am, normally I'll get up and 'guilt' myself into the day by saying well if you're feeling crap then tough luck, up lady. Or somedays if I've had more than about 8 units (its telling that I know this stuff) I'll need to sleep again for a while. But, always the guilt. Not today. Its a blustery day and the embers of the fire were in. So today the fire was cajoled back into life, I ran out and fed the chickens (you knew I had chickens, right?), let the dogs out and then clamboured under a blanket on the sofa with some tea (and a yoghurt) and listened to the wind. I'm not guilty today.

I talked to the kids yesterday (sober), both of them. Sometimes if they want to talk into the evening I have to admit I'd resent that a bit. I love my kids I do. I don't want to talk to them when I've had a drink, that's MY time. And, I don't want them to think, is she drunk.  Well its gone eight do you expect me to wait for you to finish before I have some wine? Not last night - call when you want, so it was early but still it wasn't affected by wine. My husband came home later than expected. Normally on a Sunday I'd allow myself to drink early like anytime after around 5pm. I'd bustle about and get myself comfy, organise a meal and be resentful if he was late. So I'd finish what we had in the house and suggest he could go and get me a treat. My treat is generally wine. His is chocolate. Not last night, I listened to podcasts from Belle and thought alot. We had tea when he was home, he showered and I made up the bed. We snuggled up early watching a movie.

You know I think I probably have to watch every movie I've watched in the past 20 years again. Unless I watched it in day time with the kids, I was definitely drunk at the end of all of them. Its the family joke, put a movie on and Mum falls asleep. They don't see the wine drinking, they just see me slowly get slumped down the sofa. And I think my family don't know? Really.

I tackled this one a bit last night. Dreading on having 'the talk' how do I tell him I'm trying desperately to give up. I think he's oblivious to how much I actually drink. But is it really that simple, have I manipulated so much that my family really don't know? Am I so devious?

My opening line was I was thinking of giving up wine for a bit, neutral, none of the screaming inner turmoil, matter of fact, like I was asking what he wanted for tea. Safe and cowardly.

'But you don't drink much and its your treat' he replied

'Well, I think I drink more than I should' the coward replied

'There are people who drink a lot more than you, if you want to cut down a bit that's cool'

[Inner voice is screaming, she drinks in excess of 60 units a week, some weeks over 70, she always has]

Outer [coward] voice replies, 'Well, I think I'll cut down a bit, I need to lose some weight too, I'm the heaviest I've ever been and I feel bleurgh'.

'Just do what makes you happy'

'Thanks'

Half relieved, half ashamed I'd had the conversation with him. The half truthful conversation with him. I'm not ready to share that yet, I don't know if I ever will be. How can I make my behaviour over the past 10 years we've known each other, all false?

He supports me I know that. He just doesn't know quite how hard I'm finding it. But, its like I needed him to know I was stopping for a while. Secretly I want him to be proud of my efforts, although as he has no clue as to the extent of my drinking, I guess that's the irony.

I told my son on skype I was going to have no wine in October, there's a 'Stoptober' thing here for smoking and drinking.

His response, 'Cool, but you don't drink much anyway'.

Part relieved that he doesn't seem aware of my drinking, part shamed that I keep such secrets from them, I think that if I didn't drink, I could probably be a secret agent, or a spy or a person with a double life.

I certainly seem to have a double life going on. I regularly drink one bottle of wine a night at least sometimes more, 9 units/7 days - have done for 20 years plus. I'm terrified about what I've done to my body but I'm not sure about seeing a Dr. I'm scared. Quitting makes me scared too, they say you can have side-effects, to moderate cutting down, but I'm crap at moderation. Its scary, my Dad died at 53 and I'm 46 and a half.

I'm having a 'wine free night' with a dear chum who's really struggling at the moment. She knows how much I drink, she drinks a similar amount, most of my 'inner circle' do.

Maybe that's why we are friends,

If I manage to change this time, even a bit, I hope we stay friends. I've had mixed responses to my stopping drinking in the past. Not all of it happy and supportive, so we'll see.

Happy Monday, no hangover.

Sober girl, Sober Wife, Sober Mum

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