Day 11 - The sober burn

So yesterday, with no 'OMG am I OK to drive' I got in the car in the morning and drove through to a chums. Getting into the car without thinking if I get stopped, am I legally under the limit enough to drive. Its a thought. So I got in the car and met some 'drinking chums' and confidants to meet for the day, have lunch and help them with some gardening. 

They were perky but 'rough' its the holidays and a litre of gin was guzzled last night, which in holiday is pretty normal behaviour for us all. So at lunch the first can of cider was cracked open. Now these are nice, lovely, normal friends. Professional family. I'm not a fan of 'daytime' drinking but if you're off and you're at home, and its your thing then grand.  Too much day to have to drink at lunch I think, but when its dinner time....... I start.

So we cracked on and did some gardening, for once I wasn't sweating, sticky sweat wine induced sweat so that was nice, if a bit unusual. It was a happy time. I love these folks dearly but they're drinking pals, so I wanted somehow for today to be different. I remembered Mrs D's blog about 'Fast Forward'. The last time I stood in this burn (small stream) it was about 3am, we'd had decided we'd have a takeaway and as we were staying over anyway we opened some gin. The kids (16/17) were with me and I said 'OK, just a couple, kids are here'........

Fast forward to a huge chinese meal strewn over the sides, we couldnt' be bothered to tidy it up and the kids did it. Kids retreated, more gin. Kids went to bed amongst a frenzy of sorting (not sorted previously cos we were drinking bedding etc) sleeping for folks. More gin. Everyone goes to bed at 1am. I'm though sleeping in the dining room. More gin, this time just from the bottle. More gin. Eventually I sleep. Then I wake up so incredibly sick, too far to get to the bathroom, out the dining room doors, down the steps to the burn being sick. Seemed sensible at the time to totter down a wooden 'ladder' set of steps into a burn at night, in bare feet to be sick. House disturbed, dogs awake and barking, I'm back in bed oblivious. I left the doors open, woke up the hosts by dogs barking. Woke up daughter being sick.

Told her I must have had a 'dodgy prawn'. Of course, never the drink.

Stopped that fast forward it made me sad. My drinking's never affected my kids or my relationships. No of course not.

Jobs finished a cup of tea and a lot of chat. My chums look tired. Nap time they say, too much gin last night. Need to nip out later for more tonic for tonight.

I love them dearly, but I'm glad to make my excuses and leave. A day time visit for me, right now, is all I have to give. I'm so glad their my friends but I'm sad for the times I've had just 'a couple' and its turned into carnage. Not proud.

Tired and hungry later, I got very angry that I couldn't have any wine last night. I know about being Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired. (HALT) I know that's when I'm vulnerable to drink. Its a late night taking back a washing machine we bought that wasn't working. It was a bit stressful. Dinner didn't get made until gone 9pm, I retreated into my grumpy shell and sulked. (Like a five year old). All of the day's good work, somehow resented.

'I can't believe you didn't stay through and see your friends tonight. I can't believe you didn't have gin tonight with them, they're drinking right now and you're here. Some friend you are'.

Wolfie locked the chocolate in the fridge. 'You don't want it' he grumbled. I contemplated a cider, I didn't have one. I don't know why. 

Bed at home, sulky seemed the only option right now. Another day tomorrow.

Sober mum, chatted to the boy about his uni lab report and we discussed some sciency stuff. 

Sober girl, tired and grumpy but sober, missing and not missing her drinking chums all at once.

Sober wife watched a documentary about the Higgs Boson Collider with my husband.

It gets better, I know it will. I'm mouring my old life for some crazy reason. The sober burn just doesn't seem so welcoming but I know its where I belong.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.