Day 26 - Chocolate and the Wolf

He's behind you.

So you have a good day, you walk in the sunshine, you do things that stimulate your brain and yet the wine wolf sits early evening in the car, rattling the keys with the wine-shopping bag in hand. We need wine he cries and you're almost out of chocolate too.

What's that all about? I drown the bastard with vitamin c fizzy pint of water, and whizz up a cocoa and banana milkshake so thick I can probably skate on the top of it. So sitting like a beached whale, I decide that going out to a pub for a writing group meeting, is a bad idea. Apart from anything else, I can barely move and I still want wine. So I'm under house arrest again. I know wine won't help. I'm hiding from Wolfie, again. And, I'm going to keep hiding, you know why?

I'm sleeping better, that's for sure and I'm so tired. Is my body healing or just in hibernation mode? Hungry this morning I stuffed in breakfast like I'd never seen food before. Before even having my morning cuppa. That's new. 

I got out in the garden yesterday for the first time in a while and actually enjoyed being there again. 

I enjoyed work and offered to do some extra things. 

I didn't push it last night when for some reason the wine wolf wanted us to go shopping, I just shut myself down and I hid, I know he's there, behind me, but I'm hiding, I can't see him and I wish he'd shut up.

I'm four weeks sober tomorrow. It feels strange. Will it ever feel normal? I hope so.

More reasons why I'm hiding from my drinking self, that horrible wolf. I'll tell you why, the guilt has gone, the paranoia has gone. 

Sometimes I think a glass won't hurt then read all the stories of folks trying to moderate with limited success. I know if I start to drink again, its only a matter of time before I'm back where I was, or worse. Other people struggle too. 

Its a progressive disease, right? Yes I used the D word. The more reading I do the more I'm slowly coming over to thinking addictions or unhealthy relationships with alcohol/drugs are a disease. Wrong brain wiring, call it what you will, but its not normal to feel about wine/getting wasted the way I do. 

I saw a post on an old forum I use to be on (about drinking) from a girl who's 5 years sober yesterday. 5 years ago I stopped drinking for a few weeks, then slowly moderated. 5 years on, I've now, 5 years later, stopped again for the longest time since. That made me really think.

More visitors due at the weekend, we've asked them to respect that we're booze free house at the mo. Trying to be a bit healthier. That's all we've said. I'm a bit paranoid about it all as I'm known to love my wine. We'll see how that goes and if they do bring booze, I know from last weeks experience I can weather it. But, I'm still nervous about folks thinking about my not drinking. 

Belle's sober podcast yesterday said something along the lines of....

'.....when we quit drinking we think that everyone is looking and us and thinking why and judging us.'

And that's how I was feeling, but she continued to say, folks are kinder, less judgmental and they're not judging you, or why you're not drinking. So ITS NOT TRUE, they don't judge.

So I realised that I'm not the centre of the universe (no really I'm not), and its OK to say we're having a wine/booze free weekend. Its our house, our lives.

My life. 28 days sober tomorrow. Who'd have thought. I should be happy, and excited, a tiny part of me is proud, the bigger part is telling me I'm still rubbish, why is that an achievement? Oh because I'm useless and I'll never really stop for long. 

I'm trying not to listen to that voice, I'm happy I'm sober but I'd like to be proud. Maybe one day eh? For today I'm happy. That'll do.

Sober Mum, wishes my son a lovely happy birthday today where have the 20 years gone.

Sober Wife, up at 6 am seeing himself off the premises with a packed lunch and a smile. A real smile.

Sober Girl, beginning to take care of myself. Waking up with no guilt, no hangover is nice. OK so the wine wolf is still barking and snapping at my heels. He can stay behind me.

Lucky its the season for thick socks and boots to give me a bit of protection from that wee bugger.

Belle's site 'Tired of Thinking about Drinking' is a great one! She supports a shed load of folks on the way to sober with her sober podcasts and blog. Pop over. I'm lucky to have found her too thanks to someones recommendation. 

PS My husband says to me last night. 'This chocolate eating thing has got me freaked out, what's wrong with you'. I shrug, I've no clue. And, let me tell you buying a small bar is not any use, I need big bars and enough in the house to know I've some when I want it.

I've seriously no clue why I'm eating chocolate (I use to hate the stuff), any ideas, is it the sugar that I'm not getting from the wine I'm not drinking? Or has my body just flicked a switch and turned my chocolate gene on? Either way I'm baffled, I've spend 46 years not understanding the whole chocolate eating thing, now I can't get enough........

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