Day 9 - The longest journey ever

Did I mention I have utterly NO patience. Not a jot, I'm a million miles an hour kinda person. My family laugh that I have two speeds, stop and go. My go is my normal cranked up life speed, my stop happens with wine. And quite spectacularly stop I do. Its my head switch off, its my off switch. Otherwise I keep going and going. Its my pressure switch, my coping switch, its just how I get through the day. So right now I feel like I'm in some weird altered reality. I've taken October 'off' from as much of life as I can. Rather than whine (not the red kind) about having 'nothing to do', I'm sorting myself out. I'd say fix, but lets face it I'm not that amazing. Right now, I'll settle with sorting myself out.

So instead of getting up hungover and punishing myself at breakneck speed, I'm getting up doing a few chores (hens/dogs/fire) and then hopping back into bed for a bit. Like some kind of crazy spinning top, I'm trying to stop winding myself up early and instead try something different. So instead of parking myself in the kitchen, I'm parked on the sofa bed in the living room. We live in a wee cottage, there are bedrooms but for the past couple weeks, I've parked myself (and hubby) in here with the fire, its cosy. So early evening instead of being propped up on my 'end' of the sofa wine in hand, I've been making up the bed, after dinner and we're 'cosy', like camping. Its also too far from the 'bed' to the table to easily reach my wine glass.

And, drinking wine in bed, whilst I've done it, so not cool and not easy to hide. So I'm trying to change/shift even temporarily our routine. 

I'm also working in the room I normally drink in. I generally only come in this room to sit, be cosy and drink. Having read lots about changing routines, I'm trying to 'sober up this room'. Might sound daft but there are rooms I don't associate with drinking. And, I'm largely an 'in the house' drinker. So when folks said shake up your routine a bit, I listened. What am I not doing.....

I'm not shopping anytime after around 3pm because that's the kind of time I buy wine. I never buy wine in the morning, usually still sworn to not drinking ever again before lunch.

I'm not going out in the evenings for 'treats' to the local supermarket, because if I've got through the shopping early, not bought wine, by 5-6pm I'm adamant I'm buying some. So we always go out for excuses like treats and I put enough other shopping in the basket to make the wine look like an additional purchase rather than the sole purpose of the visit.

I'm not going back and forth to the kitchen to drink two glasses of wine in secret for every glass I drink in public. I'm taking a large glass of water through with me after tea.

I'm not going to drink his special wine again, I've moved it from the back of the cupboard to the counter top, in full view, it would be insane to open it in full view. I've replaced two bottles so far and it was bloody expensive and its stealing.

I'm not giving myself a hard time about half the jobs I'm not getting done this month so far. They'll wait. For the first time in my life I'm not doing extra anything, I'm just lazing around, reading.

I'm not paranoid. That's one of the oddest things about trying to get sober. Not being paranoid, did he see the wine bottles, did I say something really stupid, did I talk to the kids, did I text someone and say something stupid, did I eat the entire contents of the fridge because I was drunk. Does anyone know.

OK so there's still some paranoia, will he find out I'm writing this, how many people know or wonder if I have a drinking problem. My face is all red lines, do other people think I look like I drink way too much. Do they know I drink in secret. I guess that paranoia might abait in time.

I'm not worrying (too much) about how much I might have damaged myself. These lines on my face, these veins, do I have cirrhosis? I don't know if I'm brave enough to find out.

I've only told one friend I've stopped for a bit, she knows I get worried about my drinking (we don't drink together) so I said I was going to stop for a bit. My other friends, my drinking friends, I'm not sharing with them yet. One I'm seeing day time tomorrow, normally I'd stay over and soak myself in gin and wine. I've suggested to meet and help them do some landscaping in their garden instead. I'll leave the dogs at home so I can have an excuse to come back. Ok, so they'll complain, but for now, that's all I've got of me to share. The daytime sober me, the gardener, the friend, not the drinker. She's not available right now. If they knew they'd be cross with me, or bitchy. The last time I wasn't drinking I just got a 'What do you want a medal'............'You're not the same when you're not drinking'.....blah blah blah. 

My other lovely friend who's drinking at least as much as me, we had a couple days last week of no wine together. Probably her first days in months. She's sensitive and emotional and whilst I'm proud of both our efforts I don't feel like saying 'Guess what, I've not drunk for 9 days in a row and 11 days this month'. Nope, she's trying to cut down and finding it so hard. I'm not saying that to her. She's staying at the end of the month for a night (maybe two) so somehow I need to find the amour to battle the wolf on those evenings, with someone drinking. I can't ask her not to drink, our house is her escape from her chaotic family life. Its her time, if she wants to drink that's cool. But, I don't want to join her. I've asked her not to bring gin. Spirits and I are a bad combination. They hit the 'drink until you go crazy spot' far quicker than wine. 

No gin for me. No wine for me. This is likely to be the longest journey ever. I'm excited and dreading her visit. We drink, its what we do, its how we've coped with single parenthood, crappy husbands and really dire finances. Wine glass in hand, we cope with the crap life chucks at us. But, now we've both two kids flown the nest, life should be easier. Shouldn't it?

Then I remember I have no job right now, which is OK short term, but I do need one, who knew so much of my self-esteem was wrapped up in working. When I feel stronger I must seriously work on finding a job. I've started volunteering at a local place, helping with teaching. Its a start.

I didn't want to drink last night, yup I thought about it, but I've just told myself not today. 

I wish I could say I'm proud but my inner voice is just bitter and bored, 'Really, is this it, not drinking is a bit dull'.

Sober wife (big style nice dinner and everything), sober mum (no kid action but I posted some letters to them that came), sober girl, even if she is bitter and twisted.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

PS I promise myself everyday I'll write less. Sheesh that's not working.