Acceptance

I went to my SMART meeting today. My husband drove me in, which as I'd

been very cagey before about it (I called it an anxiety group) for me was a big deal.

But I'm trying to be a bit more open about my recovery, well sort of. It's still a kind of need to know basis. 

Last night I had that constant I'm going to drink, I'm not, I am, I'm not going on for hours, like day one. All over again. No it won't help but for a few hours numb would be nice. I paced and padded and bathed and paced some more. By ten o clock at night I was sure I'd open his birthday wine, hide it and replace it. But the shame and the guilt and the betrayal of trust kept niggling at me.

I know it would isolate me from my feelings and my partner. Part of me wants that. I want to wallow. I want no one to understand my pain. I want to be selfishly alone. I guess that's Wolfie.

Trying to keep me isolated. Trying to push folks away.

So instead I mentioned the wines sure demise if its left in the pantry. His birthday wine from last July is in there. Two bottles. (Who knew wine kept that long?) And we're not talking screw cap Slug it down. We're talking peel the posh foil carefully, uncork bottle, empty bottle and put foil back on carefully with tonnes of ribena in it so it looks full.  Replace bottle when can drive. Stealth wine sneaking, is my speciality. I've got a badge and everything.

So I've asked him to move it to his man cave/music room today. Kitchen is shared space, man cave is, well, a man cave and I don't go in there. I think for me it needs to move. Ideally further away but a boundary is a boundary.

Funny how last week wine wasn't shouting to me. This week is like fecking mardigraw  ticker tape and neon flashing

Signs shouting drink me, drink me. Alice in wonderland I am not.

So back to this meeting. Today's chat was about acceptance.

Acceptance of self.

Acceptance of others.

Acceptance of life.

I need to accept that I'm hurting and that's ok.

I need to accept others, their support and help. Their attitudes and their concerns. And if they put me on the sofa with a book, I need to stay there. And not

Moan and enjoy the dogs company and a good book.

I need to accept life. Sometimes it's just shite. But it's not personal. It's just life.

We also set some goals. Not like in football.

Today my short term goals are:

Rest

Phone work and explain I'm off for a few weeks. (If they don't understand, tough)

Ask for help with dogs/house when away

Don't drink today.

Don't drink today.

Don't drink today.

Mid term Goals

Abstinent

Work on health

Secure permanent job

Work at relationships

Self acceptance

Seek medical advice regarding recurrent miscarriages

Long Term Goals

Abstinent

Healthy

Happy 

Good relationships

Feel 'better' 

Child (?) perhaps

So it was worth the time to go and accepting help to get there too.

Today's mission is just not to drink.

I'm shocked at how close I came last night. I'm back to pacing. Wine is still my go to for stress when I'm not being careful.

Again thanks for all of your support.