Hemingway and automitons

Didn't get around to writing yesterday. Thank you all for checking in with me, you sober warriors. But also didn't drink. Wanted too, sure, but I feel robbed of the solace it gives me as the voice in my head says, it won't help. Well {f*** u} you silly voice, thanks for spoiling that too. I know it won't help and whilst that's better, I think I preferred oblivion. But, with the oblivion option gone, I'm sober. Its hard.

The quote above sums up how I'm feeling. Its raw and blunt. Exactly like this six word Hemingway story. I can't say I'm a Hemingway fan. The limited work I've heard of his, I actually despise. We didn't buy anything for the baby this time, we've learnt not to tempt fate. So there are no shoes to stow away. So I must admit I'd rather have recorded this particular journey, in a long three part book with several editions.

Instead of losing myself in a bottle or six of wine, I'm reflecting. Looking up quotes, looking to see how I can also support my husband. All of this is new. I'm normally in full wallow by now.

I think the hardest thing about loss and sober is the raw emotions you feel. I guess that means its living isn't it. Life isn't the same The hardest bit for me is that no one knows. Its like a dirty little secret. I know its private and that's our choice, but husbands family are close and no one knows. He's adamant he doesn't' want to share, his family, his choice. I'm not hugely emotionally attached to them, but neither can I be around any of them right now and be 'normal'. I guess it doesn't really matter as my close folks know. But there's no shame in loss is there? 

Husband has the bits and bobs done for our break, we've leaving tomorrow. He's told his mother we have found a bargain and we're off for a week. I'd rather he'd have not shared anything, but that's my idle bitching, he's been a star aside the secrecy stuff. He doesn't share, that's just how he is and I respect that.

Daughter called yesterday and dropped off a sat-nav. Was nice to see her and connect again. The children have been my rocks. I've not overburdened them, but they knew about this pregnancy too and had their fingers crossed. My kids have always been my universe, I'm sorry they don't have a new compatriot to share with them too. I'm so sorry my husband hasn't the same support, outwith me and my children, no one knows his pain. But, I'm sober and I'm here for him.

My mother comes today to take the dogs, I had to tell her what had happened. I'm not much of a sharer with her, but as we needed help, I thought it was too shallow to just announce another 'holiday' and foist my dogs at her. I'd not really known how she'd react. My relationship with my mother is triggery and cold. Her investment in my life is minimal, mines in hers similar. And, yet I desperately wanted to talk to her about the pregnancy and my fears. I'm glad I didn't, I'd only have got an 'I told you so' or so I thought.

Remarkably, she was kind and she listened to my matter of fact account of why I needed to get away {I miscarried again, I'm OK, I'm sore, but I need to get away, can you have the dogs}. We swap news events every year or so on the telephone, like headline news. Short, sharp, minimal dressage, straight to the point. Ours isn't what you'd call a 'warm' relationship. And, yet although I could have put the dogs in kennels, I chose to share with her and get a potential ear bashing. I barely understand myself. Reaching out? Who the F** knows. Like I say, I barely understand myself and my need for connection with this 'automiton' I call my parent. And, yet I call.

She didn't say sorry or express much in the way of emotion, but I'm not sure I'd have let her we don't have that kind of relationship, she thinks having kids is stupid, time wasting folly, I think its awesome, we always agree to disagree on these points. 

She did however say one sentence which I think showed empathy. If not actual love, maybe there's love in there too, maybe I'm too harsh and emotionally cut off from her.

'Sometimes, you have to put yourself first'.

I think from her additional comments, she meant to add, 'and, draw a line under it all'. But she didn't say it.

I'm not sure I wanted to hear it either. But, something in those words keeps resonating around my sober head.

Self care.

{its likely to be a triggery day for me, you might hear from me later. xx}

Sometimes I wondered why I drank. Today I know why. Its easier than life sometimes.

Well it was.

Sober girl, over and out for now. And thank you.