My sober week

So how can I find myself writing another post about another sober week. Sometimes they seem to come by so quickly. This week's been OK, no drinking, a bit of reflection and some sober self care. A trip to the city to see my daughter and a chance to remind myself that whilst I don't often dip into city driving, I can do it. I just prefer not too. Whizzing around at a million miles an hour doesn't really suit me but I can do it. Its nice to be reminded of old lives, in cities and how we prefer things now. A bit like being sober, we prefer that, we prefer that to drinking and the chaos it causes to our heads and our family so we stay sober. Less paranoid.

This week has seen me walking in new places. Tide far in, I've taken different paths and enjoyed new views. I'm trying to keep active whilst my body is in a sloth like state of semi-permanent sleep, I must wake it. I imposed a sort of reboot-rehab at home in October this year and I've not wandered far from its safety.  I'm tired, I'm tired all the time. Lots of thinking, a bit like 'defrag-ing' a computer, I'm feeling like I'm in sober life reboot.

I think its time to take a few new views. And start stretching my sober a bit, from its cosy bed. Who knows what I might find.

Same skies, different views. Looking out towards the future.

I'm noticing, slowly that the self-care side of my sober is something that's quite high in my consciousness at the moment. I'm very keen to make sure that I, this person here, is taken care of. And looked after well. So after my therapy session I found myself driving down towards the local wee fishing port in search of, I wasn't sure what, a cup of tea? A wee gift? Something in the way of a sober treat that's for sure. So I got a coffee and sat a while watching the boats gently swaying in the crisp air.

I only sat for a few minutes as I sipped my hot drink, but, often or not I'll scurry back into the chores of my life, needing to 'get on'. When, actually sitting for a while reflecting, helps me to listen to myself. As the boats rigs (?) gently clink way in the breeze, a calmness comes over me. I feel rested.  How is it that five minutes is sometimes all we need to reset?

This week I was expecting a friend to stay as I took myself out to this beach she was about an hour away. Her room is ready, barely cold from her  last visit. I was nervous, I'd nearly drank last time. I'm anxious and a bit stressed. I stomped along on this beach, dogs under foot and had a good talk to myself, trying to turn a few things on their head, upside down, thinking differently.

I also wrote my number, well why not. 

Sand is perfect playground for sober people who want to write their number.  There will be beaches around Scotland dotted with random numbers, from sober souls celebrating quietly their steady sober days.  

My sober treat on Thursday was to take time to walk and then sit with an early lunch, before my friend arrived, I took time to sit in a cafe and treat myself to some food. I had a busy day ahead and my friend arriving later, so a bit of time to just enjoy some me time. Some sober time, quietly. Although I did eavesdrop on the family beside me and it got me thinking a lot about my own kids, and our relationship. My paranoia constantly bastes me for drinking when they were living at home. How much have I damaged them? Its incredible the power of paranoia. It was nice to let go of a bit of that this week. I experienced real gratitude at letting go of some of it.

Over the hills to home.

After lunch I drove home inland to gather some supplies and for once I took the route over the hills to home, rather than the coast. I took a different route with different views. All paths lead to our future, its up to us which route we'll take. For now, I choose the sober road.  And, here and right now, its very bonnie, still, calm and still leads home. And whilst its often bleak and cold outside, there's cheer and brightness at home. 

My friend arrived, although anxious, she came wine free. Our friendship is a bit rocky at the moment, but I'm hopeful if she's beginning to listen to me, perhaps we can find a way forward together. This week we're off on holiday, a party of five. One sober girl, one drinker, one moderate occasional drinker and two teenagers, not fussed by alcohol. We'll see what this journey brings. I've my sober treats packed, bubble bath, scented candle, my new fountain pen and a new sober journal to write in. Podcasts, and treats. I'm about to take self-care and sober self love to the alps.

Truth be told I'm a bit nervous I'll be tempted. But, right now, I'd rather be sober than sloshed. Right now, I'm happier here, with the self-care and the lack of paranoia. Clear headed.

Remind me I said that! Have a great week, I'm hoping we will too. Not sure if I'll manage to post or not, but I hope you all have a great week! I've scheduled this to pop up when I'm checking in tomorrow. Lets hope everything goes to plan! 

Sober girl, signing out. Big hugs and much love

My sober week

New views this week trying to look at the positives and the things to be grateful for in my sober week. I do this every week, last week was quite different to this week. This week, there was a large reappearence of that voice telling me to drink and it was loud. This really threw me sideways. Some family stuff going on needing resolved. I took myself back up that hill my husband showed me the week before and sucked in some more views in sunshine.

And like being sober it was a steep climb, and not a lot of fun in places. But, worth the effort, and its getting more familiar. I know what to expect when Wolfie or the cravings for wine hit, I've been snarky. I know to distract myself and they'll go away eventually. I know the best place to be sometimes is either the bath or in bed. These are good hiding places.

Like the scenery around me, being sober, something I never considered I could do, is becoming familiar.

I also found myself in a few new places this week. I've stopped somewhere unfamiliar for a walk, whilst usually I stick to where I know.  I'm naturally a cautious person, with everything but alcohol. I am new in my area, a bit like I am to being sober, I am having trouble making the connections between where I am and where I'm going and how to do it. And as I got over the crest of a wee hill, a beach opened up. To the right the views were to somewhere I knew and had walked many times before.

The views to the right were to somewhere I knew too.

I stood there thinking, OK I know where I am. I'm slowly having experiences and making connections and joining the dots in my new area to make me understand where I am more. And, of course for me, on that cold windy beach, familiar hounds scamping around at my feet, on familiar sands, it made me think. How much exploring and being new in this new area is like being sober. I'm finding out new things about myself. I'm making connections. I'm finding new ways to do things. I'm now, almost as long sober in this life, this new life as I was drinking. Imagine a new life where you're sober. I never could. Sometimes I don't know where to start, in this new sober life but I know that sober is better.

And let me tell you despite the new experiences and the treats and the taking time to look after me, my drinking voice Wolfie is still snapping at my toes. Even after throwing things at him. Last night I didn't manage to write. I was so desperate for a glass of wine. This week has been the hardest for a while. But, I've been armed. Armed with sober treats, armed with sober tools like go and have a bath, listen to a podcast, join in on a call, go to a group, ask for help. Applying lots of sober love. Saturday wasn't a bad day, in fact it was a lovely day doing a few chores together and walking. Nothing had set me off, no stress, no panic, it was an OK normal day. However I wanted to drink real bad and my head told me not drinking was utterly stupid. Normal people drink, especially on a Saturday night.

So last night instead of getting on with my planned evening, I had to go into sober best friend mode. I emailed Belle, I made a plan to abandon tea, I asked my husband to get a takeaway, which he gladly did. What I wanted to ask him for was wine, but having told him I feel better without it, can you really see him buying it for me? I got him on board earlier in this journey, we've talked a lot since even though I've been reluctant to share too much, I've been brave. So he'd never buy me wine now. Instead a takeaway, he set up the table in the lounge. I went for a long hot bubbly, candle filled bathroom, scents bombarding my senses and an emergency podcast on from Belle. I put on my pj's and started my sober Saturday night.

I hit sober reset, the craving passed, eventually but it was loud. Calmer, cleaner, softer, I sat and had a bit of time before my husband returned. Applying sober love sometimes has to come first. I'm learning that about myself. I'm learning that I need to listen to myself, and on occasion take out all the big sober guns and just blast Wolfie and drown the little sod.

Today's day 99 for me. I think some red balloons don't you. 

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

My sober week

As always, I take the weekend to look at my sober week and think back on what I've done, what I'm grateful for, what's made me think and giggle, what's made me sad or mad and why I'm doing this. So I'm writing this from a messy student flat with my son snoring gently in the next room. I'm sure there is actually ice on the inside of the windows. But, I'm so grateful he's here and safe home. We've a bit of time today once he wakes. For now I'm enjoying some sober catching up. So this week saw the start and end of the festive visitors, the bells in, celebrated in bed. (Minds out of the gutter, please!) we celebrated watching tv and raising a glass of home made elderflower cordial. Perfect. Just me and Mr Me. Its all I wanted. I threw a bit of a sober sickie and cancelled all visitors and plans. It was the right thing for me to do and he understood.

I also hopped on a train to the city and met my first ever sober lovely. How we managed to natter for hours non-stop is beyond me but it was amazing. It was so lovely to talk to someone in real life and be honest and all the time I kept thinking, I've never done this face to face before. I also thought my word this lady is smart, intelligent, beautiful, articulate and so bloody lovely and normal. Dont' get me wrong I knew she would be but I guess I think everyone must know I drank somehow. My inner wolfie tells me I'm a freak and everyone must know I'm a boozer. 

She wasn't an unusual person, she was amazingly lovely and normal in a lovely lovely way and like me was just dealing with 'not drinking'. I'm not sure I should have written that, lovely lady if you read please don't be offended but the normality of sober land is breathtakingly refreshing. As are the folks I have bumped into on this journey so far. On the way home I spotted this rather fine cushion which I didn't buy but I might, you never know.

Visitors came and went, beaches were walked alone. I'll miss them but I'll enjoy my time too with my husband and my own family when I see them when they return home.

I wrote my number on the beach. I have no idea why I do this, it just makes me proud.

A huge walk up a hill with my husband and the dogs yesterday in the bonnie fresh sunny air. Looking over the landscape of our new place, exploring together is fun. Normally I'd be groaning at walking up a hill but I actually enjoyed it. Just don't tell him. He's one of the these 'extreme' sports freaks (no offence dear reader) but I am not. The most extreme thing I might do is put on a green pair of trousers.

Bonnie views though. He tried to persuade me to bring my bike next time and zoom at speed down the mountain. I offered in exchange to name all the plants and teach him about them.

 At this point we reached an impasse, both agreeing to just let each other be! 

The hounds the sunshine, it was good to start the new year clear headed.

But, I have to say this sober stuff has me a bit prickly, like this gorse, but I hope that I end up blossoming, one day.

The clear moon leaves the early evening outside the cottage looking still and calm. Its cold but each day the sunlight gets longer which cheers me up so much. Each new day, is a new day sober. 

And, on Day 91 I picked up a weary son from the airport. My own dearly loved boy collected safely.

I stopped on the way to meet some old chums for a 'drink' enroute which was nice, as driving no hassles about my not drinking, just some New Year hugs.

Perfect way to end the week, Hugs and cuddles and 92 days sober.

Off to spend the day with my son. Happy Sunday folks I hope your sober week has been full of fun, sun, loved ones and not too many prickles.

Seven Days Sober

This weeks been a miserable one, [feel free to leave now!] the weathers been mostly like this drizzly and damp, dark and cold. Not a lot of fun and I'm afraid its mirrored my mood. Its been a bleak, dark week, some family stuff going on and a fair bit of anxiety over that. Sunday I really wanted to just drown it all in wine. I confessed this to my husband, who said we both know it won't help. He's very clever sometimes. I'm being more open with him these days and its really helping. He's making me strong and listening to me, so I'm being more honest. I find it hard to trust people, so for me this is a new growing aspect of our relationship. Sober benefit. And phone calls with new sober friends, listening and helping so much, thank you lovely you know who you are.

I'm also gearing up to a Xmas at home with boozy chums staying so that's got me a bit rattled. I'd emailed Belle, my sober penpal on the 100 day sober challenge, and told her I was a bit wobbly. She talked a lot of sense and also suggested I join in on her festive photo round up. Whilst there was NOTHING festive happening here, I'd a mind to make a wreath for the door so a couple hours with the loppers, some string and a wooden hanging later, as if by magic a wreath appeared with holly and ivy from the garden. (Don't peer into the messy kitchen, it needs a tidy!)

Truth be told I was quite chuffed with it. And, it distracted me out of my sullen mood.  

I had my therapy session this week and after I managed to have a half hour walk in the park where a cherry tree was blossoming far too early, whilst only a smatter of flowers, a bright light in the grey day. A fair bit of reflection, a few tears, these things take time. Both kids are now off to their fathers for Xmas, whilst this is normal in our lives, for me its a time I've always found difficult and isolated. I need to work through these feelings and find light and love with them, however the distance.

I took a trip on a train this week, visit a friend from my old life who's near. It was such a lovely change of scene and instead of driving, the train was a real relaxing time. Usually I weigh up petrol v train ticket money. This time I weighed up driving v reading time. I opted for the latter. A bit of a change for me.

A wee bit of time on beaches trying to make the noises in my head stop. Trying to calm the panic and stress that normally leads to drinking.  Overwhelm and upset often lead me to find solace and comfort in a bottle of wine (or two), but this week, as suggested I've tried to ride through the emotional turmoil. I use to think I never was a person who cried. Since getting sober this is certainly not the case. Tears are frequent and often. My skin is raw, prickly, shrinks to the sense of the slightest touch.  I'm desperately trying not the retreat, but its hard.

I'm never great at this time of year. Short days spoil my mood. I'm so looking forward to tomorrow when the shortest day is gone and from now on the days lengthen.  And, hopefully with it more light in my life and a lighter heart maybe.

Now, I know as a very new sober person, to be vigilant for stray glasses of wine trying to get through my sober superhero protective suit. So when faced with our local works 'doo' I side stepped the mulled wine, the sparkling wine, the beer, the cider, the spiced cider and found a wee jug of sober juice to sup from. Safe I thought. No, brandy in the pate, wine in the stew, I carefully avoided. Well done me out of danger. But, but, but, no I didn't expect, at a 'Festive Brunch' to find myself choking on a chocolate pudding.

Not a sixpence hiding in this (as sometimes at Xmas puddings can hide silver), but in these 'brunch' puddings it tasted like a gallon of whisky had been added. If you asked me if I'd be sitting in a large glass house dodging alcohol from every angle, including the chocolate pot puddings, I'd have thought you mad. Its daytime, people are driving (?) we're in a glass house, its 11am in the morning and its riddled with booze. I deftly (and quite unlike a LADY, that I assure you that I am) scraped the pudding back out of my mouth. A bit like a kid eating something disgusting. Firstly I'm driving and secondly it was rank, I hate booze in food, its vile. I'm sure if I tried to set a match to it, it would have flambayed itself. Begone Wolfie and your cunning xmas tricks, hiding booze in everything. You didn't get me you bugger. Almost though.

Date night, a couple of bottles of super posh soda from M&S whilst he perferred the raspberry, I perferred the lemon and mint. We had a sober carpet picnic, curled up and watched a film. I have to say I'm spending more time with my husband than a bottle of Merlot. Its nicer. And a nice way to start the weekend. No hangover this morning.

Today we went and picked our xmas tree, I love this tradition of bringing evergreen tree and light into the house. The smell is intoxicating. I also saw this wee penguin and knew that it would make us smile. In free floating splendour wonderful little penguin.  So that's was my week in photos. Some dark days, full of emotion, compelling to drink to forget or dull the pain. But, depsite the odds we got there.  Fecking hard this sober stuff sometimes. Some days lighter with friends, sober treats and love.

Whilst I'm nervous about xmas and having a boozy chum and her family to stay, I'm going to keep upping my sober tool kit, bling up the sober treats big style and make time for me and my sober self. And try not to go mad. Best Xmas present a girl can have eh? Sober Santa.

Day 72 - sober carbon footprint

'Experts estimate that a 750ml bottle of wine at 190g CO2 per glass equates roughly to the carbon emissions released by a three-mile car journey.' So says the Guardian please remember other calculations are available, some equate it to a five mile car journey.

Here's when I get my fingers and toes out to work out 72 days sober average 1 bottle wine a night (conservative), equivalent to saving carbon 1984 miles or 82,080 g  or 82 kg CO2 

So I could have driven nearly 2000 miles instead of drink wine and be in the same place carbon wise but think of the adventures........

I've saved the equivalent green house gas emissions of 0.29 tonnes of landfill. Crikey

Or if I'd planted 21 wee trees I'd have saved the same amount of carbon in ten years.

So by NOT drinking I'm officially greener than when I started. I'm always keen to see interesting ways in which behaviour change effects things like carbon, cos, well, I'm weird like that. [I'm a secret scientist, which is a bit like secret santa, but not nearly so cool.]

So NOT drinking is helping me and our planet. Goes off to shine green tree huggers badge.

Hug yourself and a tree, being sober really does save the planet.

That's made me smile today. Then again I've always been a tree hugger.

PS Thank you for all your kind comments yesterday. For me this is a huge journey and sharing my feelings even the darker ones is essential for me to learn to move past the wine. Lucy recommended I looked to the serenity prayer and I did and I found comfort in it. So thank you all, without expression, I'd be drowning myself in an endless vat of despair called merlot.

My sober seven days

So the great excitement for this week has been reaching another milestone, 70 days, 10 whole weeks sober. I never thought that might happen. Never in my wildest dreams. Here's a peek at what I've found to be grateful for in my week leading to today.

The garden starts to slumber and as it does its brought to life after frosts and flurries of snow with robins, blue-tits, thrushes, blackbirds, starlings, sparrows and its so busy. I laden the bird table every morning and take time to watch them chatter and hop around. Garden ornaments long forgotten from summer begin to take on a new life, a dart of colour in the grey. They are beautiful and like this heart remind me of my son swinging under it in the hammock as I hung it. This makes me smile.

The days are shorter to precious time is spent walking the dogs on local beaches. Devoid of tourists at this time of year we have them, frequently all to ourselves. Icy winds steady our pace. Whilst returning home the chores await! 

Fires need stoked with logs and sticks, my job. Everyday this is a job I love, I don't know why but the gathering, chopping, drying and stacking of wood has always been my favourite. I fill the fires grateful we'll be warm and cosy later. All done before it gets dark.

Meanwhile the chickens watch on, hungry in the morning for their breakfasts, always so impatient. Rewards of eggs are few at this time of year but they add to the food to the table. I love their wee faces and chatter. These were rescue hens and now in full plumage I'm very grateful I took them in rather than the easier options around, they've been great companions and wonderful for me watching them slowly come back to health in our garden. 

Out feeding the hens gives me time to stroll around a bitterly cold garden, if I'd been indoors I'd have missed the last few roses on the bush, I picked them for my bedside. A reminder of summer and nicer days. I like the routine of the chickens needing fed it gets me out and appreciating the space around me. As does walking the dogs. It gives me fresh air and time to think, and this week, time to watch our local wee friend through the branches of the hedge now bare.

This wee fella lives but a minute from my door. I'm so lucky to live in the middle of the countryside where I can walk from my front door up to the woods, or down to the shore. A vocal wee chap he kept us company for part of our walk! Getting out everyday even for a swift walk has been good for my sobriety, fresh air and gentle exercise seem to help me hugely.

A bonnie sight! The village phone box, this always makes me smile, so old fashioned and yet, a life line in our village if needed, standing proud. And snuck in behind it a wee white cottage, all of our own. This week my son landed safely in New Zealand, without skype and the internet his distance would seem so far away, we talk or text most days, he feels close, I like that. Luckily for me, these methods of communication make us close and keep me smiling. So I'm grateful, SO grateful for this technology (and old fashioned phoneboxes) which can keep us in touch with those we love and for sober friends and forums, without which I'd feel so alone.

Everyday I have the companionship of my trusty hounds, chickens, partner and virtual sober friends. Friendship, for me, has always been hugely important. Being sober and being able to share this journey in less virtual isolation has been a real help to me. So I thank you for being out there sober rock stars all of you. I also have my SMART group on Wednesdays, helping me connect with others for a while, which is so helpful. I'm glad I found the courage to go. Really glad.

I leave gentle reminders of my sobriety and saying 'NO' to wine around my house. They make me smile and know they're a reminder for times when I feel weak.  A walk around the village today with my recycling today (we have communal recycling in our village), I spot the last flowers of summer hanging on in there. Like me, trying so hard to keep going, despite circumstances which sometimes challenge me!

Their beauty a reminder of taking time to stop and look at the smaller things in life and smile at their wonder. And, as for the trip to the recycling this week - ta da!

Its not often you'd catch me in broad daylight taking out the recycling in one hand, this weeks glass. One bottle of alcohol free wine, one soy sauce. This has been a busy week! No more sneaking out at night for late night 'drop off', in the dark so no one can see!! No more shame. No more secret drinks, no more bottles to hide. A quick drop off a the recycling whilst actually taking time to enjoy a wee stroll round the village. 

 Party last night. I offered to drive, for once he had a few beers, he's not a drinker really, seldom do I see him with a glass in his hand. But for once no moaning about who's driving, no middering and forcing him to drive. No drinking before the party, having a bottle for home after the party. No gulping down the drinks quickly as i can when I get there. No resentful silences in the car when we leave late but way before I want to. No pushing him off to bed when we're home so I can keep drinking when I'm back. No late nights on the sofa drinking alone, trying to sate myself even after a party.  Not last night. Last night I drove, he had a few beers, we left at just around 10pm, I happily drove us home, we chatted, so different to the old drinking ways.

And, finally today. Chores done, messages bought, a quick stomp on the beach with Mr Me before the light goes. 

'You seem happier' he tells me. 

I feel happier, I think to myself, yes I do.

'Thank you, do you know its around 10 weeks today since I had wine.' I smile.

'You're not missing the wine then?' He asks as he holds my hand.

'Nope, I feel so much better for staying off it for a while, my head's a bit less noisy!' I say with honesty.

'Suits you.' He beams.

[We kiss, enough said for now.]

And, for tonight, a mini-celebration with a mocktail. Well, why not. Its not every day you're 70 days sober. Mocktails all round I say.

So that's been my week, lots to be grateful for, lots to quietly celebrate. Thank you for being with me on this journey. Sobriety, feels right now, so special. I don't want to break it. I'm more scared of drinking right now than I am of not drinking. 

More hard work ahead I'm sure!