Yesterday after my SMART meeting (see yesterday's post!) I went for a walk on the beach. I'm often there and collect random bits of wood.
Cue some sober analogies. The wood in front of me, I can easily lift. Jobs a good one.
The wood further up the beach however I have my eye on. It's a fecking tree. It's amazing how I think somehow I can just collect a whole tree. Alone. With no help. The mutts are there for scale, not their handing tree lugging skills.
I actually laugh at myself. If I gather the smaller bits of wood, it takes longer but eventually their weight makes a tree.
I know I can't effect great change in my life straightaway. Anyone who knows me knows that determination though.
So instead of beating myself up and reliving the first few weeks sober with hatred and self-loathing, I need to see the bigger picture.
As I'm running from Wolfie later and shovelling sugar in my face I must be kind and remind myself this is a process. Small steps. Day at a time. One blip doesn't mean I'm goosed.
I think the positivity of day counting is so useful, unless or if you stumble. My living sober counter reads over 200
Days sober (minus one in my head) my real days since last drink are Only just in doubke figures. Fighting against the self-flagellation of those numbers is difficult and the why bother voice is loud and gruesome. Counting is helpful until
I stumble, then the numbers (which don't lie) taunt me. Probably rightly so. But it's knocked my sober confidence.
I'm sober today, I battled through yesterday sober.
As I picked up those bits of wood from the beach, I remind myself that two glasses of wine isn't worth this mind battle. It needs perspective. Two glasses this year. Two since last October.
So much hope still.
So I write this sitting on the train in my suit, (yes heels too, how ridiculous huh?!) I've a presentation for one of my jobs. A funding proposal to write afterwards. I'm sober. Taking each day at a time. It's all I can do. I may just stop counting days as its making me grumpy at my stupidity. And grumpy is a trigger for me.
Best take each day as it comes. It's all I can control. Like small bits of logs, those I can manage.