I know I'm bad a month with no posts. Bad Daisy. I hope you're well? Hope you enjoy the holidays.
If I'm totally honest I hate this time of year. Dark nights miserable weather. I'm very grinch like. My children, largely due to logistics and bad ex husband geography spend the larger holidays at their fathers with their extensive family and siblings. And, despite the logic here and skype and everything it sucks rocks. As we lead upto it I try to be jolly and brave, we have fake Xmas and hugs. It still sucks.
It's life. They fill their time with adventures as it should be. I know I'm lucky to have such lovely kids. Sharing them is hard but worthwhile.
Blotting out my own pain well that was much easier with booze. Bit like sweeping your emotions under a giant dysfunctional rug that sits in the middle of your life, festering.
So, second sober Xmas. We were going to be a home, no real plans. But, I started to get panicky. Wolfie (booze voice) started niggling. So I thought to myself how can we turn a bit of negative situation into a more positive one? Something we learn at SMART and something I'm
Learning without booze. What are the positives I can take out of this?
Being alone (without kids) at Xmas means you can do what you want to do right? So I looked in my 'booze account' the money I save by not drinking. Each Day as a pledge to me being sober I put £5 or whatever I feel like into my 'sober savings'. Or I try to. I'm not perfect. It's my ex wine money. It's for treats, for me.
So I looked at that. Just over £150, not drinking certainly adds up, but I've been sucky at treats lately. Anyway long story short is that I said to my hubby, found an uber cheap trip away for Xmas, no kids, how about we grab it and go? Offering to pay half of my share and abstaining from presents.
So we did!! Booked on Wednesday, left on Friday and here we are, away from everything. Yes I know it's not always advisable to just run away. But I'm telling myself, firstly it's a treat. I couldn't afford to so this if I were drinking. Secondly erm why not, we work hard, kids are sorted and we love adventures.
And I've done lots of sober planning.
Firstly I use to drink alone, so now I have my hubby with me 24/7 - accountability, he knows I don't want to drink, potentially ever. He's got my back.
We are in a hotel (very last minute crazy deal!) with bar and 'credit'. He's been given the 'you're in charge of this' cap to wear. Previously I would have taken that responsibity and gorged myself. I'm allowing someone to look after me. And as we sat in the bar before dinner, I opened the drinks page to see a selection of juices, mock tails and alcohol free beer. Yay! Although I must say I did open it to scoff and say look, sober people are not catered for! How wrong was I? One virgin mojhito ease monseuir bar tender.
We are on a very active holiday. I can hardly keep my eyes open after 8pm and we are out all day. Also planned, keeping busy is good.
I can't say I've not been tempted for 'just one drink' but I know it won't stop at that and I don't want any of the crap that goes with it.
And if my head ever waivered I know my hubby is braced for a 'really, second Xmas with no drinking, you really want a drink now?' Reply.
I've finally given him permission to challenge me, I trust him to look out for me and my sober.
Small steps. So here we are, exhausted, happy and sober Xmas number two underway. No boozy visitors, no wishing I was joining them. Just some sober recharge time.
I hope you a have a super sober holiday. Celebrating those small sober steps that lead to a happier us.
At home or away look after yourselves.
I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.