Thursday, 26 May 2016

Day 2 - Trust

I've being doing Belle's mantra of 'don't try harder, do something different' and its made me very ponderish.

I think trust is my biggest issue. Trust.

Five small letter. Which amount to, I don't deserve this. I don't deserve these folks being nice, I don't deserve anything.

Tell no one.

Trust no one.

Or maybe trust some folks. Like Belle and you sober lovely lot, I'm listening to her new book. She's asked me to write a list of some things as an exercise.

Day 1 what to expect when you're newly sober {subtext here for me is that even though you've had about a gazzilions of times, try something new}. I need to remind myself of a few things.

Ten things to write down

1 - They way I drink has affected my
{motivation}
2 - And my
{relationship with my family and friends}
3 - And my
{well being}
4 - The way I drink has caused problems with
{inner self and my happiness}
5 - And with
{my general focus}
6- Its made me feel
{lonely}
{unworthy}
7- I nearly had a disaster when
{?mine are too raw and cringeworthy for here}
8 - And this was just about a disaster too
{?see above}
9 - I'm tired of waking up feeling like
{I don't deserve any better}
10 - People who will be relieved when I'm sober
{me}
{family}
{sober friends}
{anyone else who knows me.........?}

I did however speak to my other half today and say, you know I'd had the occasional glass of wine, well I think its noodling with my head. I'm in a funny place.

{deep sighs and breaths here}

His reply. I had thought it odd you'd even consider the odd glass when it doesn't seem to make you be very nice to yourself. Maybe its time to just leave it.

Trust.

And we have people for dinner tonight, ironic in the extreme I pick this week to start over. Or not, life goes on. I took advice I'd had previously and messaged ahead to say, no booze here we've only juice - that's all fine with them they said.

A little less to stress about.

14 comments:

  1. Congrats on day 2 Daisy. That's good your friends are happy to have an AF night. One less thing to stress about. Trust is a hard nut to crack. I feel a hard wall around my heart, not sure how to bring it down sometimes. It's good Belle has you doing sober exercises. I'm going to buy her book I think. A x

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    1. I hope you did Angie - its nice to have something phsyical to look at too. And, some friends are happy enough with sober free nights, others not so much. I'll fathom my own wee road xx

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  2. I trust you Daisy but more importantly do you trust yourself? You are so worth it :) xx

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    1. Lou that's had me mulling for the longest time, the real answer is no but I need to find a way of making sure I don't write myself off all the time, its not helpful for my recovery. xxx Have a great time 'down under' xxx

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  3. Hi Daisy! So good to see you back online again. Listen, I don't know if you know but I did a similar thing (not once but twice!)--going back to drinking after stretches of being happily sober. I love what your husband says about it here. I think that's the bottom line (to use the terrible old financial analogy!) Getting rid of the drink leaves you with more room to be kind to yourself.

    I also wanted to say that I get the trust thing you're talking about here. I find it almost impossible to trust people, and that includes trusting that people will be decent to me, or trusting when they are. (My husband is my one shining exception there. I trust him! Oh, the good luck of that!) I still haven't got that sorted but I am working on it, and removing the drink and the paranoias and lows that go along with it definitely helps.

    All thought-provoking stuff you're talking about here. I'm really glad you're back online. Sending good wishes and a big hug! xo

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    1. Thank you for sharing that with me Thirsty my lovely. Its resonating so much with me too and has since you posted it. XXX

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  4. I am happy you have returned. hugs.
    Anne

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    1. I'll try not to hide in future. x

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  5. Hi Daisy!
    So happy you are trying again!
    And happy to have you back!
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. Hey Wendy thank you its nice to be back, sorry for the late reply. x

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  6. Daisy, you are SO worthy of being sober, and present! As your other half said, drinking causes you be unkind to yourself--you don't deserve that, you deserve kindness!! xx

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    1. Thank you Lori and I am slowly beginning to see that I really need a permanent line drawn under it all. xx

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  7. Greetings Daisy. Good to hear you giving this thing a shot. I blog over at www.markgoodson.com
    If it's alright with you, I'd like to add you to my blog roll so I can see when new posts show up and keep up with your journey.
    I'm a sober man, husband, and father, so I hope we can learn from each other.

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    1. Thank you Mark I'd be honoured.

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