So hello! I'm back and all in one piece. I've taken some time yesterday to adjust to life back home and after I waved my friend off in the morning decided to dive straight into work and then straight into some garden time yesterday. What a long time its been since I had anytime on my own. A whole 13 days to be precise. Which, to have someone in your space drinking is, I have to say, just too much. But, I'm learning. And, I'd like to say thank you for your comments, I'll get to them as soon as I can, I got a bit humbled by your kind thoughts so thank you. I'm certainly going to reply, it may take a bit of time, but I know I'll get there. A bit like this winter aconite up here, just out in the garden, I feel like this is all very new and exciting.
So I thought I'd have some sober revelations about being away. I'm not sure that I do. What I did find that it was very easy to slip back into making everyone else in my life comfortable, taking care of myself last. Its easy to take a back seat and care for others. I'm not saying that is wrong but it does lead to tiredness and overwhelm if you don't take time to look after you. Just saying. Its the old self care thing. Over and over, eh?
What I am finding is that my tolerance for bullshit and whining is zero. Well, that's not fair, its almost zero. And, my tolerance for folks being selfish and bossy is also nearing zero. Does that mean as a sober person my boundaries are changing and I've started to speak my mind a bit more? I'm not sure. I just know I have limited tolerance for stupidness, whining and moaning. Of which there was a fair amount on holiday.
Here's what I did notice, I've no issue with folks around me drinking in public, in a cafe or a bar. In fact, I think it is for them to choose. What I do seem to have issue with is MY kind of drinking. The selfish kind. The kind that sees you nestling a glass like its your life-matter, like its your heart, except its pumping alcohol into your body. The one handed life that clutches a glass on the sofa and doesn't really move, aside to fill it. The selfish, 'me time' that lasts all evening and often well into the next day. That's my kind of drinking and its the kind that makes my skin crawl now.
And, it makes me angry. I'm not sure why. Am I angry because I can't drink like that anymore?
I genuinely don't mind when my friend drinks in the bar, I mind massively when she buys bottles and puts them in my fridge and sits nestling a wine glass in the house, in the crook of her arm or clutched in her hand. All night, until every last drop is drunk.
Do I miss it, I'm not sure. I certainly don't miss how much it messed up my head each day for two hours of 'brain shut down'. But, man it makes me angry.
Talk about sending out mixed messages to my friend. Yes, I don't mind if you drink in a bar, but not in my house, not on my sofa and not in my space.
I guess I think bar/pub drinking is a bit more restricted and responsible? Which of course isn't true. But, its just the drinking in the house bit that really twangs my buttons.
I guess in some way I'm jealous that I can't drink like that anymore. Or is it that I know how selfish it is? Who knows. Or maybe I'm just angry. Who knows.
So I'm home now, I've sent the chums home, and waved them off til March (hopefully) and survived. I'm beginning to see how much time is wasted post-drinking, and excuse the pun, but I've no time for it. Time is precious and I don't want my time wasted by it. I'm also seeing how selfish 'drinkers' can be. And, how much its needed, even if they don't think they have a problem. But, if its the first thing they buy in the supermarket when they arrive, perhaps they're not as 'normal' as they think they are.
Its what I use to do. Before any other decisions were made, make sure you know where your wine is coming from. Where you'll get the next lot. Its very nice not to be under that incessant need. I think I'm looking forward to spring emerging, maybe there will be more surprising changes too for me.