Thursday, 5 February 2015

Day 123, The cycle of change

So yesterday was day 123 according to Mrs D's fabulous site Living Sober. Its got a wee orange box which you can plonk you last drinking day in and as if by magic your sober day number appears. Its fabulous as are all the folks on there. Its a god send when feeling the need for inspiration, support or a good old moan, someone's always around with a smile and a kind word. She's also got  a fabby blog located here, which inspired her book. Which is the sober treat for getting to a whole 4 months without binging on wine. 

Rather timidly I've been counting the days for my sober. I've never really thought of it in any other way. But, 123 days on the counter also equates to 4 months exactly since I gave up getting hammered most nights. Its hardly something I can comprehend. And, at my SMART meeting yesterday, I found myself saying at our 'check in',  'I think I might be 4 months today', which was a real eyeopener for me. Four months. Blimey. We also looked at the cycle of change at the meeting yesterday and how we can find ourselves in steps through it.

Around the room we were all at different stages. I know I'm in step 5 at the moment, 'maintenance' but I was in the stages before that for a good 8-10 years of my life. Only managing one day or so at a time sober, relapsing, thinking about stopping, managing a day. Just trying harder each time, instead of trying different. Trying something different worked for me. Finding the sober community, reaching out, writing, treats, self care. Its amazing how trying harder, so hard for so long, really did not help me at all. I really thought it would, it never did and I got more and more depressed and anxious trying harder. So I 'm on stage 5 hoping that I don't go to relapse and stay on maintenance for as long as I need, maybe forever, but I'm canny about the fact that I could easily lapse. 

Someone at our group yesterday said they just wanted to try harder this week and several of us said, not harder, you're trying so hard but why not try something different, what can you do different?  So they're going to try 'treats' this week and see if they can treat themselves to a few days sober. Fingers crossed eh? I'm really rooting for them and I also scribbled down Mrs D's site for some online support if they fancy it.

So I left the meeting yesterday, went for a walk as I always do and wrote my number in the sand and thought about how close I am to being sober more often in this new house more than I have been drinking. Wouldn't that be something - a mainly, largely, happy sober house. That's made me think alot. My only goal in this sober stuff, is to find happy, stay sober, find happy. I have a pretty lovely life, but I've yet to find inner happy. Its my only goal, to be happy. I'm happier not drinking I know that for sure, but I'm not sing from the top of the hills happy inside. So I'm working towards anything in sober-lands that can  make me happy.

No pressure Ms Happy, but if you can rock along anytime soon and make my inner glow, well, erm, glow with Happy I'd be delighted.

Stay sober, find happy. Its my new mantra.

So back to the sober house, we moved in on 30th May last year, so by my reckoning I've had 127 days really drinking and getting more and more depressed and more scared at the rate I was drinking in this house. And, I'm on 123 days as of yesterday, so by Sunday I will have reached the same amount sober, as drunk in this house. For me that's a huge milestone. Its something I know which will make me happy, knowing I'm working at being sober in this house, that I deserve this life. A new milestone for me, a house where I've been sober more than I've been drunk.

And we all know we like celebrating milestones don't we? They're the best treats ever, milestones, whether its one day or a week, or 10 days or every 5 in between. Every day sober is a step to being more free. Every single day sober we're nicer to ourselves.

And, speaking of nice. Since I've started to take multi-vitamins and omega oils (thanks for the recommendations folks) my moods have also stopped being so severe. 

I'd like to tell you I'm less puffy and fresh skinned but I'd be fibbing. Until I convince myself to get some exercise in too, I'm unlikely to lose any weight either. But, I do feel better inside myself, I promise. I'm still quite anxious, but I think that's just me and I need to find ways to manage that.

Without the booze, obviously.

Have a great day! 


  1. 123 sounds amazing. It's 40 for me and that feels pretty good too :) Like you I feel so, so much better physically but not completely happy. Is there any such thing though? One thing that I definitely feel is more peaceful and that is good for now, and such a relief not to be visualising my insides being poisoned on a daily basis is priceless. Some days are still reall tough and I wonder why I'm doing this but the positives outweigh the negatives every single day and that's what keeps me going. I always enjoy your posts

  2. Apparently HAPPY is a peaceful Mind, achieved through Mindfulness and Meditation. ......ill let ya know.....

  3. I didn't know that SMART recovery used the Cycle of Change Daisy - so thank you for that. It's the bedrock of my course too! ;) I'm so happy that on Sunday night you'll be heading home to a house you've been more sober than drunk in - what a gift indeed :) xx

  4. Feeling better 'inside yoursel' is the name of the game my friend!! Everything else is icing on the cupcake. Good going on day 123 :).