Friday 20 February 2015

Day 139 - And then there's worry

Hey well I'm squirming writing this and my hands are shaking but I guess if I get it out of my head perhaps I won't keep obsessing about it.  So the kids are coming home this weekend probably for the first time in this house, both together. Sure they've been here separately but whilst my son has been challenging in the past, he's just so easy now and I'm proud to call him son and friend. I know its always trite when I read things like that. But, seriously he's one of my favourite people in the universe. Now that's not to say my daughter isn't but things have been far from easy between us for a while now, came to a head in the summer. Rather than tackle it full on, I gave her space and took to my drinking with gusto to block out the pain. She took herself off to New Zealand and I licked my wounds in my drinking lair with my Wine Wolf for company and my drinking got worse and hit a low, as bad as its ever been. We've not had a row, its just been that kind of festering silence that makes my paranoia about being a bad parent reach epic proportions. 

So we've a kind of truce now, which was agreed a few weeks ago. I've still no real idea why she got so angry with me, but things I hope are healing a bit. Hence the weekend home, as a family. I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm happy, I'm scared, I'm everything rolled into one. And, whilst its maybe hard to write, I know this is because I don't want to get hurt again. I know I am the parent and the bigger person but when your child rejects you and seems to have such anger towards you, whether  you know why or not, it hurts like stink. So my hearts a bit cautious whilst my head is telling me, you're the parent, just open your arms and relax. Welcome them into the fold.

I've also got this huge voice in my head that's telling me drinking is how you coped with the children.

There you are, I've said it.

That shitty voice in my head is telling me, this situation might be hard. Just drink. They never noticed you drank before, just drink. Its like a slap in the face. I think my own personal Wolfie is trying to tell me that my children are a trigger for me.

Like I said, I'm not proud of saying it, but that's what the voice in my head has been saying all day.

When I was calmer earlier in the week, thinking of their arrival, I thought about whether or not to buy alcohol  for the weekend. Not much you understand, and not for me. More like a few ciders and beers in case they want some with the takeaway we've planned for tonight. Truth be told, it made me quite uncomfortable. I'm not sure I want to buy alcohol for anyone, let alone my kids. Even if they are 18 and 20. So I compromised and bought some alcohol free ciders and beers, some shandy and some wine, some lovely juices and some nice fizzy soft drinks, you know, the treaty kind.

I don't want to buy alcohol so the fridge is stocked with these treats and some of their favourite foods. So there's also no temptation for me either.

But, my hands are shaking and my nerves a bit on edge. The Wine Wolf inside my head is telling me that they didn't know you drank, so why not. Its a celebration weekend, so why not drink, just this weekend, start again on Monday. 

But, I know for me, if I drank now, I'd have a weekend full of paranoia and regret. And really what I want is a weekend of fun and love and sharing time together.

Drinking now will take that away from me.

I know these overwhelming, will it be OK, what if we don't get on, what do I do if she rejects me again, in my sober sanctuary. 

These I'm beginning to understand are irrational thoughts.

I'm sure we'll all be a bit nervous but we'll settle in.


Drinking won't make it better, it will leave me filled with regret, paranoia and remorse.


These thoughts will pass.

I guess its just letting folks, however much I love them, into my sober sanctuary, for the weekend, whilst its wonderful, is a bit scary.

As for Wolfie trying to convince me my kids and spending time with them is a trigger. Well, nice try but if the worse comes to the worst I'll have a long bath later and buy myself a ridiculus sober treat tomorrow. I'm anxious and a bit nervous, that's natural after things have been a bit tricky. And I have to stay sober tonight and enjoy it, enjoy their company and be sober. I've too much to lose.

Because tomorrow I'll wake up with my kids and husband and so much love, under my sober roof and celebrate (silently) 140 days sober.

Tonights mantra is: tomorrow I'm 140 days sober. Just relax and get the nerves out the way and enjoy the children here. I don't need to drink to do that despite what Wolfie tells me. What a maniac that bloody wolf is. '

24 comments:

  1. She probably just wants you to be strong and you are. Sober you is strong and brave. Even if it takes time she'll see that. Just be gentle and lovely, you are magnificent! Xxx

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    1. Hey Mrs D thank you so much, without the sober support around and being able to voice things, I'd be sunk by now. Thank you so much x

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  2. great idea to get it out all out, it is so much harder when you are left thinking to yourself and left to your own devices. you are good kind person, please give yourself space and the same kindness you have shown your children. you deserve it. enjoy your sober time with them. and your stocked fridge sounds delish... have fun.

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    1. Thank you! I'm glad there was no booze in the fridge. I might have given up. Then when they were driving over, I'd then be stuck thinking should I now drink and drive to get them or confess to drinking. So glad that wasn't a choice. Sober sober sober. and the fridge still groans with sober loveliness.

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  3. "Drinking now will take that away from me"..."Drinking won't make it better"...remember those phrases and enjoy the time with your family. Take care of yourself ;) Lori K xx

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    1. Thank you I told myself that several times over the weekend. No more hiding, no more sneaking, just here. Drink doesn't make it better. xx

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  4. As Mrs D says above, you are strong and brave. I hope the evening went well. Your new sober sanctuary is a wonderful place. Thinking of you. Annie x

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    1. Thank you Annie, hope your new sober sanctuary is doing the same for you x

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  5. Tip-toe gently through the weekend Daisy, one hour at a time, take very good care of yourself, you are doing great and your daughter will come around.

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    1. I did tip toe and I gave space and by the saturday night she was sharing things with me, small things like photos, a peek into her life. And, for once, there was a glimmer of what we use to have. Hugs and thank you my friend x

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  6. This post resonates with me so much....my kids....alcohol....all the thoughts that go together....
    nuts I say....just nuts.....
    You are so strong....I've been reading all your posts and you inspire me a lot!! Thank you
    Jen
    xo
    Hope your weekend is filled with love and kindness....the sober kind....

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    1. I think when you take the actual thoughts and deconstruct them, its really for me about stress, I find trying to be a good parent overwhleming and that causes me to drink to switch off. Thank you Jen so much for posting. x

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  7. Daisy - I hope it's going well and you are in my thoughts. One thought from me: if she's expressed her anger towards you that is a good thing as she feels safe enough to do so. I take that as a good sign and hopeful of calmer times in the future :) xx

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    1. Hey there thank you, I've pondered this since you said it. It makes sense, although letting myself 'hear it' is quite another. For the first time in a couple of years, I felt that we'd reached a kind of 'comfortable' this weekend. I stood back, I walked, I left them to loll and rouse themselves, I centred myself a bit and that seemed to help me and the distance (albeit small) I gave seemed to make her want to engage more. Its almost like it use to be, not that i'm glancing backwards, but her smile is back and her guard a little less up, hopefully that means she's relaxing too. Its a journey this parenting malarkey!! x

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  8. Good luck Daisy and once again I love your honesty. Relationships with our kids can be funny tricky things but I think that children almost sense when we don't think much of ourselves, and doubt ourselves and (not even maliciously) take advantage if that, lose respect even? You have achieved so much and must feel so proud of yourself, perhaps your daughter will sense this. My relationship with my son was tricky for quite a few of his teen years and I always thought it must have been my fault but couldn't work out why. But it wasn't. As long as you can say to yourself that you have done your best as a mother, which is all anyone can do. We're none of us perfect. I'm sure that your children are very lucky to have you, and they will know that too. Enjoy your weekend x

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    1. Sarah thank you, so much of what you say resonates with me. She would never dare treat her father the same, or his new wife, but I for all intense purposes treat myself like a door mat, no wonder people use me like one sometimes. My son was tricky too, he came through it, I know she will one day. Hugs and thank you.

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  9. Hi Daisy
    it was only a few weekends back I got the wobbles too and wanted to drink. but looking back, I AM SO GLAD I DIDNT. you will be the same. just breathe your way through it calmly, lots of sober treats in hand and be the fabulous calm mum that you are. all WILL BE WELL. I CAN JUST ABOUT PROMISE
    hugs
    Lisa

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    1. Thank you Lisa, treats, breathing, baths and just saying I'm stressed and its OK, helped.

      It was well, how clever you are! x

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  10. Hey there Daisy, thinking of you this weekend and hoping that things are going well with your kids. Relationships with the people we love most in the world are always the toughest to work out… do remember how things are always changing, nothing is permanent. Sometimes this idea terrifies me, when I hold my little one and she seems so small and part of me wants her to stay that way forever, but they never stay anything forever: not small, not straightforward, not happy, not sad, not angry. It always changes. Sometimes, when my kids are being a pain in the arse, I find the same thought very reassuring ;)
    Being sober helps you to be the best person you can be and the best mum you can be. That is a gift. Even if it goes unrecognised today, it is still a gift.
    Wishing you love and peace. xx

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    1. Thank you MTMTT - so many wise things you've put to post up there. Thank you so much. The fragility of it all really makes me sad but I know its a process, being a parent, I use to think it was just a function but now I see, we both evolve both parent and child. Being sober is my best me, so its my best mum too. And it was nice to just relax (eventually) xxThere was love, but there wasn't much peace! The fighting started by the end of the first night, ah siblings......

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  11. I'm so excited for you & the possibilities this weekend is bringing. Breathe, pause, connect, listen, breathe some more. They are so lucky to have a mum who thinks about them so much, who buys their favourite things, who thinks about her own life so much. Tara B quoted someone saying something about the worst thing for children is suffering the unlived life of their parents. -roughly remembered. With alcohol dominating, our lives are unlived, barely lived at the best. They didn't know you drank, but something was 'known' on one level, & now things have changed. Embrace that change. Love it. Live it. It can only be good XXXXX

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    1. Thank you Kate, so many things to really take to heart there. The time we spent was all the better for being sober, I know that for sure. Tara is very clever isn't she. xx

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  12. Hi Daisy - I hope you are navigating this week-end with purpose and hope. some great words of advice above... will just add that I think for me the anticipatory anxiety about any social interaction often turns out to be the worst bit... thinking of you all the way up there and sending you lots of love! Prim xx

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    1. Hey there Prim, I thought of you when off the beach and we needed a really hot cup of tea afterwards. :) The anxiety beforehand, you're right was so much worse than the actual doing and experiencing. My son said I seemed calmer. I joked about walking it off early (my anxiety) and now Im good to go. He also said it suited me, nice boy that he is. xx

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