Saturday, 1 August 2015
I found a bottle
Shame, fear, regret, disgust, loathing, shock. What if someone else had found the bottle under the sofa. Of course I could have laughed it off and said wow that must have been there from Xmas or something like that or before. But, mainly all I felt was shame and sadness at my own instant excuses. Everything in my head I blamed on myself. Everything that came out of my mouth I blamed on other people. Was it always like that when I drank?
Was I always the first to point the finger or criticise. Probably if I'm honest it was. Nothing was my fault. I was always a victim.
As I write this the panic I felt finding the bottle, (are there more discarded around the house?) is still with me. Such shame.
Funny how when faced with reminders of who we once were, we only see the bad things. It took me hours to actually think, wait a minute. I don't do that anymore.
I'm still working just a little over full-time, which is only over the 'summer' months, things should settle after. Being self-employed means that sometimes you really do have to make hay whilst the sun shines to fulfill obligations. It really eats at my sober time, and all of my other time. I'm mindful its not the long term solution but for now, I have to let some thing slip. Like dust bunnies.
I still haven't heard from my interview for the scary proper job. B*****ds. But, oddly I'm still OK with that. A friend asked me what makes my heart sing, if its not a scary job but something else, focus on making that happen. I do love my work, although I loathe the unpredictability of self-employment.
I need to learn to relax and/or put in place mechanisms to reassure me that the unpredictability is OK and that I'm working towards an over all plan.
So I did a budget (I know me right?) and I worked out what I 'need' to earn. Yes, its crazy I haven't done this before. I am an intelligent, capable girl, I can even use a calculator. And, yet I hide.
I also have been stressing about the 'paperwork' side of being self employed. Late tax returns, limited paperwork done on my behalf, all feeds my inner 'you're a mess woman' voice and I retreat.
I've slowly identified that its not self-employment I loathe so much, its my own ineptitude at consistently keeping paperwork and records. I think this is another 'life hangover' of drinking. I like the different work challenges, I like the variety, but I do need to be a bit more accountable to myself. And this will help with my confidence.
Previously, I was too self involved to get much 'real life chores' done aside putting a facade on to the real world of how 'OK' I am and then getting through until wine-o-clock to blot out my world.
So, having found the wine bottle I thought to myself, isn't it about time you started to sort out some other bits of life. Like how to settle into working self-employed and actually not crap yourself as you're not keeping proper records.
Amazing within half an hour I'm slowing writing up this years earnings into a very simple and free spreadsheet supplied by a reputable firm and Mr Google.
This year is at least currently up to date. My actual earnings aren't going to set the world on fire but are more than I had thought. I've still the mess of previous years to work on but I'll get there now that I've made a start.
Confessing to ineptitude in the land of your life admin, might not sound like much, but for me its part of the 'you can't even do this properly' song I sing to myself. Well no more will I sing it, I'm singing 'I'm trying, I'm trying'.
Being around drink at the weekend wasn't that easy although my hosts for one night were mindful as they know I've stopped drinking. There was also wine at lunch which was offered by MIL several times to which I poffered my seemingly 'offensive' beetroot juice back.
NO, TRY IT YOU'LL LOVE IT. MUCH NICER THAN WINE.
No takers, funny that. And, every time glasses were topped up and I was offered wine again. I just rattled the carton and asked......
ARE YOU SURE ITS YUMMY!
Why do you keep offering that revolting juice? [Says certain members of the family].
I was just wondering the same thing about the wine..............[I thought silently].
Small sober steps. Yes I will now wave my beetroot juice at you if you keep goading me. Deal with it people. And yes I wave my beetroot juice with pride. Its bloody lovely.
My son leaves on Sunday. I'm mindful that I need to up the sober treats for Sunday night/Monday and plan some 'together things' with my very patient husband.
Sober girl, slightly screwed up, signing off. Slow progress but progress all the same.
Have a lovely sober weekend folks.
I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.