Thursday, 13 August 2015

No sober voice

I don't appear to have much of a voice at the moment. And, not much of a sober one. I feel myself retreating into somewhere and I'm not sure where it is.

I'm not drinking. That much I know. I'm not shirking my sober stance, nor shirking my sober chums, I feel in some ways like I'm in a retreat of my own making.

But, I'm not sure where I am. I seem calmer in some ways. Life somehow seems less dramatic.

It seems more manageable. Strangely it seems far more peaceful.

100 new days sober since my birthday passed without celebration or I have to be honest even my noticing it. I think drinking that wine on my birthday threw me into a kind of no-mans-land.

Don't get me wrong life's still not a bed of roses. But, its OK.

I have had urges, some fleeting, some more scary. But, for once I seem to acknowledge that one won't be enough and then where does that leave me?

Sober it would seem.

Thank you all for asking about the job, I didn't get it. Nor have I been officially told. Yes that sucks, for the crappy communication but as for the job. Somehow I think whilst I would have been nice, its not right yet.

In my surprise, a few days ago at my 'casual' work, I was offered the pick of full time or part-time work, they seem to like my commitment, passion and drive (their words not mine). I'm good with people I was told.

ME?

Anyhows I've plumped for a short day which suits me and a 4 day working week. I won't set the world on fire finacially but it means I have enough to get by and I'm close to home. The extra two hours a day I've asked for with my shorter hours seem to be taken up with tackling admin (life) and general day to day stuff. And I now have weekends off. Yay. More home family time.

I was absolute when asked which day off I want. I chose Wednesdays. Its my group day. I've not been for a while and I really miss it. I think that I might find more balance and work towards some of those sober goals if I can prioritise.

So hopefully my new routine which starts this week coming might find me with slightly more stable sober feet.

I'm 'quite reflective this week, perhaps why I've been so quiet. I've talked to the kids a lot, some times at night, late, sometimes in the morning early. Always here, always sober.

Husband is pretty busy with some work stuff, but we're carving out time for each other, even though its brief.  But, there's no distractions of booze to hide from him with.

So apologies if I'm quiet. For now I'm just quietly sober. Fighting my own little corner. I'm hoping I find my voice soon, not like me to be so reflective. But, I'm OK with it for now. Its new. Sometimes my head is actually still, just for the blink of an eye. That's very new.

Hugs and sober love folks.



I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

7 comments:

  1. Hi Daisy!
    I don't have much to say lately either.
    I am really happy you have some more hours but more flexibility in your work.
    The more consistently I get to my meetings, the better off I feel.
    I am glad you are here.
    xo
    Wendy

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  2. Hang in there, lovely :-) keep marching along on your sober feet. Keeping your Wednesdays free for your meetings is good. xx

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  3. Quietening our demons sometimes leaves us quiet :) xx

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  4. hey hon - good to hear from you. I recognise that feeling of formlessness very well.... I think it can be a stage we go through between periods of transition - I did a blog post on it just about a year ago which I needed to re-read myself today ;)

    https://takinganewpath.wordpress.com/2014/07/19/soup-of-the-day/

    well done for setting your meeting day in stone as a day off. sending you soup, hugs and probably a big bunch of dahlias too. got 'em coming out of my ears, here (now, there's an image!) xxx

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  5. You know, I am sure the words of praise from your employer are a reflection of all the hard work you have put in to gaining and maintaining your sobriety. Being fully present in yourself, not being distracted by hangovers or thoughts of the wine waiting later, not being fuzzy headed or anxious, all of these will contribute to your commitment, passion and drive being recognised. Definitely. I am getting more praise and recognition at work, this past year, and I'm not sure I'm doing anything differently, but I am doing it better. It all feels better. Big hugs my dear. Life's a bloody slog at times but there'e unexpected joys as well. lots of love Do xx

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  6. Four day week, shorter hours - that is bloody marvellous!!!! & Wednes off for group, even better. I think your guardian angel is with you. I know mine is, & although it took mayhem & trauma to get me out of full time life sapping work, I am so glad to be out, indescribably happy & relieved. I am beginning to have a life, & whe I am working (some weeks a lot), I am really THERE, really total and alert. No amount of $$$$ would get me back into the crippling pressure of the role I was in. Go well XXXXX

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