Sunday, 25 October 2015
Friday night came and went without much more than a takeaway and some telly. Early to bed meant I was awake at 1am and slept around three. I'm not liking this disrupted sleep much.
Yesterday was a very odd day - I went to see one of my family who's broken a leg. I wrapped it up in dropping off a few household things her family would find useful. Expecting to be in and out like a veritable emotionally challenged ninja I was floored when after an hour or so of pleasantaries my sister asked if we'd like to go out for some food. I was expecting to leave. We have little communication and little in common. I bailed at 16 years old out of a life that was just too violent and loud for my delicate soul. Being the oldest I guess I had always felt a bit guilty for leaving them there but sometimes in life, every man for herself is all you can do.
We had a nice day - there I said it, it was nice. Odd, a bit emotional but nice. A bit too much connection with my old life emotionally for me it left me very drained. Most of my family's life is the same as the one I bailed out from. Although the familiarity did little to comfort me. Its left me feeling very fractured and guilty for my own choices. Guilty as in could I have done more, but not enough to have actually done anything it would seem. But I'm here now and its a new day.
Very strange being in a pub - I don't go in them. I had a twinge of 'should I drink to keep her company ??????' more out of needing to fit in than not. But, I just had a tonic and that was fine. No judgement.
What was enraging for me (and pretty enlightening) is that my sibling has a broken leg in two places, just had surgery and is now managing alone in a flat two stories up. She lives alone. Her grown up kids are making sure she's OK. Since she hurt herself I've been touching base a bit with her, and finally got up the courage to go and see her. The fact that my mother hadn't bothered to call or pop over at all after my sister had called and told her she'd broken her leg and needed an operation.
Not even called, not once.
Now I can be livid about that even if I don't know how to react to my mothers treatment of me.
Family feels so fractured. That family anyway. My life is now very different and for that I'm truly grateful. Even if I am a little guilty. I've promised myself as part of my new me, new life, new sober life, I'll try and be a better sibling. Might let me heal a bit too.