Wednesday, 21 October 2015


I've been having the most god awful brain curdling sweaty waking up in the middle of the night dreams about benders. I don't know why. I wake every night, like when I was drinking at around 3-4am in an utter panic, its like living in my own version of a bad B movie. The places change, the faces change but the overriding theme is about drinking, getting drunker than I have ever in my life and then being an utter idiot. Hurting my husband, hurting my family as they all watch and I think they can't see or hear me. Its really got me rattled. Like really fingers in ears frantically reading anything online to get back to sleep rattled. I've even got up and looked for bottles, 'have I hid them well enough', when can I take them away, making all sorts of crazy elaborate plans in my head for making sure that it wasn't this time I was caught.

I'm about demented. I'm NOT drinking, but I'm in a mess. I'm knackered at work, I'm off with my friends and husband and I'm in full 'under a rock mode' nothing to see here, leave me be.

I've also not been writing, not been cleaning, not been really doing anything aside assassinate my character (a job I like to leave for 4am, sweaty and lunatical) and trying to fathom what on earth is going on. I've ditched reading all but one or two blogs.

I'm really not good at routines. Now, I've pondered this at length. And something brought it to light totally non sober related. Totally randomly my dog who's always been OK with feeding on demand had a mini-melt down and advice from those who know was to feed him twice a day at the same time every day. Take the food away after, only leave fresh water. Now that's only TWO things to do. And yet, every single day I've done it but its been a real struggle. I'm just not any good at routines. Even small daily ones. Yes I brush my teeth when I should, but usually enroute to something else, definitely not at the same time everyday and definitely NOT in the same room/doing the same chore, etc.

I just seem to have a 'fuck it' attitude to routines. I don't set an alarm, never have, I'm horrific to wake up so I just go with the 'meh, I'll get up before work when I do, no biggie'.

Recently I tried to do some fly-lady (now don't laugh) she's a house keeping guru from America who has helped lots of folks get rid of the 'chaos' in their homes/minds by small routines which take less than 15 minutes to establish change.  So I started with great gusto as I do, and although I couldn't do everything she suggested I did try and follow it 'MY WAY' - you know as and when I pleased. Which was for me a bit of an eyeopener, a bit like the dog feeding. The one routine she insists on is cleaning your sink every night and putting out a fresh tea towel. Well, I've done that now and again, mostly thinking how crazy it is. But kind of getting it too. I have a demented mind wrestle with myself every evening.

Yes you are still reading a sober blog. Really. And I guess if I'm wrestling about a small routine that isn't drinking, maybe its not that bad.

So to begin with the new shonky do it as you feel like it routines I'd sorted for myself seem to be making a difference but I was still doing them 'FREE STYLE' in my own little ways, as I do. As you can imagine, as time plodded by they've gone to shit as well. I still do some of them but kind of as I please. I do like to rebel.

Until stopping drinking, I'd never really realised how much of my life has no fundamental routine to it. I like to think of myself as free spirited (no pun intended) but in reality I seem to flitter about in my own version of reality doing as I please.

Yes I'll have the good bits please and won't do those tiresome things. THANK YOU. Yup, that's me.

So, the sober stuff has slipped, and whilst I'm still sober - I'm dreaming of that perfect glass of wine before dinner. You know that one that never leads to any more. Doesn't lead to the scenes of the horrific dreams I've been having of major benders in front of the family and the rellies.

I think maybe (and I just get this as I write) my sub-conscious is trying to freak the crap out of me by playing my 'dream bender' over and over again like a warning.

So I'm torn between letting my free spirited self just find her feet or imposing some kind of crazy set an alarm kind of daily routine boot camp. You see the mention of setting a routine and I'm assuming its boot camp. And its not fair and I don't want to do it.

So from tomorrow, and I'm making this up as I type I will set an alarm. I will get up at 7am and I will follow a routine. {I'm already huffing}

7am up
Coffee and Hounds/Chickens 7.15
Dressed 7.30
Internet time - 15 minutes of sober living, blogs, emails/15 minutes of work/15 minutes of leisure
Breakfast 8.15
More internet - as above 8.30 but only half hour (no work) 15/15 leisure/sober
Sort laundry + Do 15 mins of flylady
Walk dogs 9.15
Pack bag for work, gather clobber
Go to work at 9.30

I need to work out a 'get home' routine but I'm too overwhelmed to do that now.

I know perhaps this seems crazy but I need to get this crazy head to stop its crazy stuff. Maybe trying to have a routine will make me start to feel calmer.

Or like a human robot?

You see you get sober and your brain goes bad ass crazy on you pointing out what an utter chaotic soul you really are.

And yes this all really started by trying to clear my sink every night and feed the dog to order, twice a day. And yes despite myself I'm still sober and the house is a bit less chaotic. So something is clearly working, its just not working enough for my brain to switch off at bedtime.

I hereby pledge to do this routine for a week (I'm already groaning) and post everyday.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.


  1. Hi Daisy,
    Sorry to hear you are having these nasty dreams. We don't know eachother well so please let me know when you don't appreciate what I write here.

    The vibes I get from your post is that you are in a tight spot and panicking. And to me it seems like you want to punish yourself into shape by putting a routine on you which you very much dislike. Last time I checked we can not hate ourself into shape. :-)

    On the dreams: sounds awful, that first. My view of dreams is that they inform us (me!!) where our (sub)conscious is at. So either you fear drinking, you like it OR you are processing the tail of your addiction: it shows up in your dreams. That's all I know and I also want to add that certain food types can cause or stimulate nasty dreams and restless sleep amongst which e.g. spinach. Not saying it is something from the oudside (wow, that is actually kind of addicty to think so :-)) but it can. You could google on 'food that causes nightmares' e.g.

    Hope my reply helps you a little. Hope to read the rest of of your posts this week! :-)

    xx, Feeling

    1. Hey thanks feeling - I think I have a love hate relationship with routines. I like the structure but you're right, strict as they can be they get right on top of me and i hate myself. I did get up early today and read your post and thought yup she's right. So I was mindful of getting on with the mornings tasks without too much boot camp. I even managed to get to work on time. Wowser. Will look at nightmare inducing foods......don't think my diet has changed but will see.... thanks for posting.

  2. Dear Daisy I too have done the Flylady (many years ago now when I had small children and before they were old enough to help around the house much - shudder!) so I'm very familiar with her process. I would say that the morning routine is the thing that has stuck with me the most and I do have one still. Esp having got sober it feels like 'my time' where I can do what I want before anyone else surfaces to get my day on the right track. And in the last nearly two years that includes checking sober blogs after feeding dog and while having breakfast. I heard somewhere that we have more control over the start and the end of our days than we do over the middle. The rebel in me (maybe in you too?!) likes thinking "I'm doing this MY way" rather than thinking "I'm following someone else's rules." Oh and remembering that you are smashing is important too ;) good luck with your new process and hope sleep improves! prim xx

    1. Smashing me? Grins. Thank you. I find her approach (fly lady) quite soothing in an odd way. I think the 'jump right in where you are, you are not behind.' Its the logic and forgiveness (god I sound SO cheesy) that I like.

      I think a lot of her methods are based in recovery by the familiarity of a lot of the language and there are many parallels for me - being sober isn't as bad as thinking about it endlessly. A bit like cleaning, start small, do it and instantly you feel like you've achieved something, slowly things come into place.


  3. Hi Daisy
    At the moment I dream and dream of drinking, whether I am awake or asleep. It seems my head is constantly full of thoughts of that perfect glass of wine. Maybe I am trying to regress, as like you I am trying to "sort out" my home and my garden and my whole scene of domestic chaos. Maybe I can't do it, and plunging back into drinking after over a year sober gives me the excuse: I can mutter "look, I SAID I couldn't do it!" to myself

    Anyway. Keep with it my dear. It's still better being sober, my head and heart do know that, even when I am being seduced by my crazy fantasies of "just one glass / bottle / night / weekend" of wine.

    Here's poem I really like. It's by Fleur Adcock, and called Things.

    "There are worse things than having behaved foolishly in public.
    There are worse things than these miniature betrayals,
    committed or endured or suspected; there are worse things
    than not being able to sleep for thinking about them.
    It is 5 a.m. All the worse things come stalking in
    and stand icily about the bed looking worse and worse
    and worse."

    I like your blog. I read "sober" blogs, too, to keep me on track, hopefully, and this is a favourite. It's not waffle.

    Hugs, Do xx

    1. I think I love that poem Do thank you xxx I think we both know the answer to future happiness is not drinking and letting go of the glamour we sometimes look back at in rose tinted specs. xx

      I love the 'in the wee small hours of the morning' song as well. The beasties and monsters are big in the early light.

  4. Two things sprung to mind when I read this lovely Daisy - you have the routine of SMART have you taken this to a meeting to discuss and if you were going to therapy (did you start this again?) I would be taking this to that space too :) Big hugs & fuck off dream wolfie!! xx

    1. My SMART routine has wained with work and life getting in the way. Yup, I know I should make more effort to go. I really will go this week honest injun. I will bring it up at check in :) I'm on the list for a therapist...................and dream wolfie can piss right the fuck off!!! xxxx

  5. Your blog is music to my soul. I totally relate to everything you have written. When you go to rehab. they have strict routines in place. Personally I loved rehab.

    1. Thank you I'm glad you find it helpful. routines do help us don't they.