My sober week

New views this week trying to look at the positives and the things to be grateful for in my sober week. I do this every week, last week was quite different to this week. This week, there was a large reappearence of that voice telling me to drink and it was loud. This really threw me sideways. Some family stuff going on needing resolved. I took myself back up that hill my husband showed me the week before and sucked in some more views in sunshine.

And like being sober it was a steep climb, and not a lot of fun in places. But, worth the effort, and its getting more familiar. I know what to expect when Wolfie or the cravings for wine hit, I've been snarky. I know to distract myself and they'll go away eventually. I know the best place to be sometimes is either the bath or in bed. These are good hiding places.

Like the scenery around me, being sober, something I never considered I could do, is becoming familiar.

I also found myself in a few new places this week. I've stopped somewhere unfamiliar for a walk, whilst usually I stick to where I know.  I'm naturally a cautious person, with everything but alcohol. I am new in my area, a bit like I am to being sober, I am having trouble making the connections between where I am and where I'm going and how to do it. And as I got over the crest of a wee hill, a beach opened up. To the right the views were to somewhere I knew and had walked many times before.

The views to the right were to somewhere I knew too.

I stood there thinking, OK I know where I am. I'm slowly having experiences and making connections and joining the dots in my new area to make me understand where I am more. And, of course for me, on that cold windy beach, familiar hounds scamping around at my feet, on familiar sands, it made me think. How much exploring and being new in this new area is like being sober. I'm finding out new things about myself. I'm making connections. I'm finding new ways to do things. I'm now, almost as long sober in this life, this new life as I was drinking. Imagine a new life where you're sober. I never could. Sometimes I don't know where to start, in this new sober life but I know that sober is better.

And let me tell you despite the new experiences and the treats and the taking time to look after me, my drinking voice Wolfie is still snapping at my toes. Even after throwing things at him. Last night I didn't manage to write. I was so desperate for a glass of wine. This week has been the hardest for a while. But, I've been armed. Armed with sober treats, armed with sober tools like go and have a bath, listen to a podcast, join in on a call, go to a group, ask for help. Applying lots of sober love. Saturday wasn't a bad day, in fact it was a lovely day doing a few chores together and walking. Nothing had set me off, no stress, no panic, it was an OK normal day. However I wanted to drink real bad and my head told me not drinking was utterly stupid. Normal people drink, especially on a Saturday night.

So last night instead of getting on with my planned evening, I had to go into sober best friend mode. I emailed Belle, I made a plan to abandon tea, I asked my husband to get a takeaway, which he gladly did. What I wanted to ask him for was wine, but having told him I feel better without it, can you really see him buying it for me? I got him on board earlier in this journey, we've talked a lot since even though I've been reluctant to share too much, I've been brave. So he'd never buy me wine now. Instead a takeaway, he set up the table in the lounge. I went for a long hot bubbly, candle filled bathroom, scents bombarding my senses and an emergency podcast on from Belle. I put on my pj's and started my sober Saturday night.

I hit sober reset, the craving passed, eventually but it was loud. Calmer, cleaner, softer, I sat and had a bit of time before my husband returned. Applying sober love sometimes has to come first. I'm learning that about myself. I'm learning that I need to listen to myself, and on occasion take out all the big sober guns and just blast Wolfie and drown the little sod.

Today's day 99 for me. I think some red balloons don't you. 

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

Day 96 - throwing stuff

Yesterday I threw this at Wolfie, my 95 day sober treat.  Comfort foods also knock him out for a while. White toast, real butter. Still less calories than a bottle of Chardonnay. Sober self love comes in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes in a tin. If you're struggling like me right now, find some comfort food and lob it at Wolfie. 

Today rather than rushing home after a long report writing session, I'm drowning him in a milkshake, banana. My weight hasn't moved much since I stopped drinking. To be honest, doing this stuff is hard enough without trying to deprive myself in other ways. Slowly that will sort itself out, but it's not now. Today is about being sober, self care and comfort food as my drinking head sulks. I will get to 100. 

(I've heard if you write stuff sometimes it makes you think harder about it happening) best start my lines eh?

I WILL GET TO 100 DAYS.

I WILL GET TO 100 DAYS......

Day 95 - Sober love, apply liberally, with a shovel.

Sober treat basket overload. Sober love.

Thank you for all the support yesterday. I really appreciate it. Hugs and kisses to you all x

So the snarky head is still here but I bludgeoned it yesterday with sober treats and sober tools, I bought a basket full. A group call with Belle. An email with sober chum. A text with another. A call with a friend who makes my heart sing. I read sober blogs and forums. And, today its kept the sober-momentum going when I thought I was sunk. Today I also went to a meeting and asked for help with preventing relapse. 

Before today I've never had this many sober days in a row. NEVER. (aside pregnancy and my kids are 18/20) On the call with Belle there was a lot of chat about sober momentum, how to get there, sober treats and how to shovel sober support on with a JCB truck if you need to. Just to get through. 

So it got me thinking. I've been 'thinking about stopping drinking' and aware I've had a problem for a long time. My longest stretch of 'sober' before today was in October 2007 when I almost managed a month.

Almost, I drank on the last day. So in my head I didn't make it.

Its taken me until now to understand that what I've been trying and I mean determined trying to do is stop drinking or moderate for several years before October 2007 when I managed 30 sober days in a row. And, its taken me SEVEN YEARS almost to the day to start getting that again.

SEVEN YEARS

I've been on day 1, day zero, day 3, day zero, day 2, day zero, day zero, day zero [repeat this loop for SEVEN YEARS up until October 4th 2014.] 

AND EVERY MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT BEFORE I'VE BEEN BASHING MY HEAD WITH A VIRTUAL BRICK OF SHAME AND SELF LOATHING FOR A LONG TIME BUT THE MOST RECENT FOR SEVEN YEARS

No wonder I'm tired. I've been trying to get sober momentum (now that I know what that is) for the last seven years. And, I'm glad I found out about all the sober love and treats around and stopping hitting myself on the head with a brick. And its working. Sober tools work.

So even now, even on Day 95 when I've been feeling snarky I know that I need to not believe that voice in my head that tells me so many things which are wrong, like I should drink now and it will be OK.

What if it takes me another SEVEN YEARS to get this far.

Now, that's scarier than not drinking today and that's all I'm doing. Not drinking today.

And I'm loading up the sober treats, supports, emails, forums, podcasts, blogs, hugs and sober love until I understand inside myself that I'm worth being sober for. I'm learning so much from you all, I can't thank you enough. So I'm opening my arms up and loading myself up with sober love and tools.

Even if I sink in sober love.

So there. So what I'll be sober because today that's best for me.

And today I started my evening sober routine at 3pm today because I knew I needed to.

So there. I'm still sober, even though my heads telling me to give this all up. But, I need to say no.

And why, I keep telling myself, well I might not have sober again for a while if I stop today and the way I'm going and was drinking, maybe I don't have another SEVEN YEARS of abusing myself like this by drinking malarkey. So I say no.

Load me up on sober please. I'm too scared of going back. 

I can only deal with today and today, right now, I'm sober.

So apply sober love, liberally, with a shovel. Just do it already Daisy.

ETA to add a comment from Bea -

Daisy, your instinct is right; sober momentum is terrifically strong but can be undone with just one drink, like throwing your brick of shame into the spokes of a moving bicycle. So don't stop pedalling, ever.

Snarksville Central

Reproduced with thanks from http://lessonslearnedinlife.com/know-your-worth-2/

I'm having a snarky day with one of my family.  Not in person just in my head. So I guess its just a virtual snarky one way conversation where I'm constantly trying to prove my worth to deaf ears, in this virtual conversation as, to be fair, its all in my head. I found that quote and it kinda fitted, finding self respect however, probably a lot harder.

I think I'm too scared to have the conversation in real life, so its rolling around my head like a snowball getting bigger and bigger.

I'm also off to my session with my therapy lady soon. This is either good or bad timing, I can't decide. 

Today is hard. 

Snarksville Central. Is it because I'm nearing 100 days? My heads telling me I'll  fail. Wolfie has is clangers out and the van with the loudspeaker out in the street.

I just don't know why. Its not a particularly unusual day, in fact the sun is even out. 

I'm off to drown myself in sunshine.

There may even be freckles if I'm not careful.

Catch you all later sober lovlies.

And thanks. Like a lot.

Day 93 - Where to start.

So I started this whole sober journey at home in my own kinda rehab which involved a sofa bed and a lot of chocolate.

I moved into my sober bed, bought with my first months sober savings soon after. And, I've been in one or other basically ever since then. Often all day. Sometimes everyday. Often working, often not just reading sober stuff. I've declined a lot of parties and taken sober self care when required, often going back to bed.

Its OK for a while and as I work 7 hours a week from home, a skype convo in my bed with my job share (non video) is OK at a push.  I can write reports no bother and I'm 'present' in my job now rather than dragging myself through it.

Here's the thing, its unsustainable for me longer term. In fact its unsustainable for anyone longer term, I think.

So whilst I can give excuses like sorry no bra on today, can't come. I really need a boot up the backside or a strategy to get me on the move before gone lunchtime.

I also need to find an additional job. I might need a bra for that. And probably clothes. 

I guess in some ways its time to go back into the world, sober. And fathom out what it is I actually want to do and not overwhelm myself in the real world.

Then again I might stay in my pj's until I hear my husbands on his way back from work then frantically get dressed.

Apply motivation here please in the comment box below.

Or if you're a more direct kind of person use this!

My sober week

As always, I take the weekend to look at my sober week and think back on what I've done, what I'm grateful for, what's made me think and giggle, what's made me sad or mad and why I'm doing this. So I'm writing this from a messy student flat with my son snoring gently in the next room. I'm sure there is actually ice on the inside of the windows. But, I'm so grateful he's here and safe home. We've a bit of time today once he wakes. For now I'm enjoying some sober catching up. So this week saw the start and end of the festive visitors, the bells in, celebrated in bed. (Minds out of the gutter, please!) we celebrated watching tv and raising a glass of home made elderflower cordial. Perfect. Just me and Mr Me. Its all I wanted. I threw a bit of a sober sickie and cancelled all visitors and plans. It was the right thing for me to do and he understood.

I also hopped on a train to the city and met my first ever sober lovely. How we managed to natter for hours non-stop is beyond me but it was amazing. It was so lovely to talk to someone in real life and be honest and all the time I kept thinking, I've never done this face to face before. I also thought my word this lady is smart, intelligent, beautiful, articulate and so bloody lovely and normal. Dont' get me wrong I knew she would be but I guess I think everyone must know I drank somehow. My inner wolfie tells me I'm a freak and everyone must know I'm a boozer. 

She wasn't an unusual person, she was amazingly lovely and normal in a lovely lovely way and like me was just dealing with 'not drinking'. I'm not sure I should have written that, lovely lady if you read please don't be offended but the normality of sober land is breathtakingly refreshing. As are the folks I have bumped into on this journey so far. On the way home I spotted this rather fine cushion which I didn't buy but I might, you never know.

Visitors came and went, beaches were walked alone. I'll miss them but I'll enjoy my time too with my husband and my own family when I see them when they return home.

I wrote my number on the beach. I have no idea why I do this, it just makes me proud.

A huge walk up a hill with my husband and the dogs yesterday in the bonnie fresh sunny air. Looking over the landscape of our new place, exploring together is fun. Normally I'd be groaning at walking up a hill but I actually enjoyed it. Just don't tell him. He's one of the these 'extreme' sports freaks (no offence dear reader) but I am not. The most extreme thing I might do is put on a green pair of trousers.

Bonnie views though. He tried to persuade me to bring my bike next time and zoom at speed down the mountain. I offered in exchange to name all the plants and teach him about them.

 At this point we reached an impasse, both agreeing to just let each other be! 

The hounds the sunshine, it was good to start the new year clear headed.

But, I have to say this sober stuff has me a bit prickly, like this gorse, but I hope that I end up blossoming, one day.

The clear moon leaves the early evening outside the cottage looking still and calm. Its cold but each day the sunlight gets longer which cheers me up so much. Each new day, is a new day sober. 

And, on Day 91 I picked up a weary son from the airport. My own dearly loved boy collected safely.

I stopped on the way to meet some old chums for a 'drink' enroute which was nice, as driving no hassles about my not drinking, just some New Year hugs.

Perfect way to end the week, Hugs and cuddles and 92 days sober.

Off to spend the day with my son. Happy Sunday folks I hope your sober week has been full of fun, sun, loved ones and not too many prickles.

Day 90 - reset

Happy 2015 to you all. 

So its 90 days since I threw any wine down my face, 90. That's a number. That's a number I'd never have thought possible. And, I'm proud. So proud like I never thought I'd be,

but and here's the thing, I feel though like I'm a bit on 'reset' with my relationships, with my family in some ways and mostly with myself. 

It's confusing but I'm hopeful. Really hopeful.

Thank you so much for getting me here, to 90 days.