Wednesday, 7 January 2015

Day 95 - Sober love, apply liberally, with a shovel.

Sober treat basket overload. Sober love.
Thank you for all the support yesterday. I really appreciate it. Hugs and kisses to you all x

So the snarky head is still here but I bludgeoned it yesterday with sober treats and sober tools, I bought a basket full. A group call with Belle. An email with sober chum. A text with another. A call with a friend who makes my heart sing. I read sober blogs and forums. And, today its kept the sober-momentum going when I thought I was sunk. Today I also went to a meeting and asked for help with preventing relapse. 

Before today I've never had this many sober days in a row. NEVER. (aside pregnancy and my kids are 18/20) On the call with Belle there was a lot of chat about sober momentum, how to get there, sober treats and how to shovel sober support on with a JCB truck if you need to. Just to get through. 

So it got me thinking. I've been 'thinking about stopping drinking' and aware I've had a problem for a long time. My longest stretch of 'sober' before today was in October 2007 when I almost managed a month.

Almost, I drank on the last day. So in my head I didn't make it.

Its taken me until now to understand that what I've been trying and I mean determined trying to do is stop drinking or moderate for several years before October 2007 when I managed 30 sober days in a row. And, its taken me SEVEN YEARS almost to the day to start getting that again.


I've been on day 1, day zero, day 3, day zero, day 2, day zero, day zero, day zero [repeat this loop for SEVEN YEARS up until October 4th 2014.] 


No wonder I'm tired. I've been trying to get sober momentum (now that I know what that is) for the last seven years. And, I'm glad I found out about all the sober love and treats around and stopping hitting myself on the head with a brick. And its working. Sober tools work.

So even now, even on Day 95 when I've been feeling snarky I know that I need to not believe that voice in my head that tells me so many things which are wrong, like I should drink now and it will be OK.

What if it takes me another SEVEN YEARS to get this far.

Now, that's scarier than not drinking today and that's all I'm doing. Not drinking today.

And I'm loading up the sober treats, supports, emails, forums, podcasts, blogs, hugs and sober love until I understand inside myself that I'm worth being sober for. I'm learning so much from you all, I can't thank you enough. So I'm opening my arms up and loading myself up with sober love and tools.

Even if I sink in sober love.

So there. So what I'll be sober because today that's best for me.

And today I started my evening sober routine at 3pm today because I knew I needed to.

So there. I'm still sober, even though my heads telling me to give this all up. But, I need to say no.

And why, I keep telling myself, well I might not have sober again for a while if I stop today and the way I'm going and was drinking, maybe I don't have another SEVEN YEARS of abusing myself like this by drinking malarkey. So I say no.

Load me up on sober please. I'm too scared of going back. 

I can only deal with today and today, right now, I'm sober.

So apply sober love, liberally, with a shovel. Just do it already Daisy.

ETA to add a comment from Bea -

Daisy, your instinct is right; sober momentum is terrifically strong but can be undone with just one drink, like throwing your brick of shame into the spokes of a moving bicycle. So don't stop pedalling, ever.


  1. You are amazing and worth it. I had a few milestone wobbles at 100 days too. Its a known fact!
    Like you now i am terrified that if i stop i wont be able to go back and that is a good motivator for me
    loads of nz hugs

    1. Thank you Lisa, I'm just the same terrified and thank you for sharing that wobbles around this time are normal. x

  2. Seven Years...that's a great way to put it into perspective. I never want to drink again because I don't want to stop drinking again...never want another Day 1. Do whatever it takes: sinking in sober love! That's something I've noticed about the sobersphere: it's full of love, understanding and acceptance. Keep your shovel handy, to apply love liberally, or to smack the wolf over his head if he comes calling again ;) Lori K xx

    1. Its a scary number 7 years of actively trying, so many years before then also 'trying harder' but failing. Smacking him over the head is a great idea!

  3. good for you. cramming so much good stuff in that there is NO ROOM for the shitty nasty crap that used to take up so much space in our heads. that's the ticket. keep doing that, yes?!

    and you've possibly already seen it but if not have a look at Belle's podcast no. 31, on dealing with sober goals (which she terrifically kindly did for me when I was around day 100. she rocks.)

    pouring on the sober love like gravy into a Yorkshire pudding.... not that you are from Yorkshire....or, indeed, a pudding ;)

    here - have another dollop. no such thing as too much! you are doing SO BLOODY WELL. Keep doing what you're doing! Prim xxx

    1. Hey Prim, thank you. NO ROOM FOR THAT NASTY SHIT.

      I've got that podcast and relistened to it this weekend lots and signed up for 180......:) xxx

      PS I LOVE YORKIES :) and I feel like a pudding.

  4. Well done for riding the storm Daisy. I'm trying to adjust to the idea that if I manage to succeed on this journey my life will never be the same again but that's ok. I will do different things. You seem to have done the same, and that's ok. That's good. Different, but better in so many ways. I hope you can continue to find joy in your new life, and thank you for continuing to inspire me. I'm now on day 11:)

    1. I love your tag line, so much to gain from this is so true. Different is better! :)

      Thank you

  5. Fabulous post Daisy! Thank you :).

    hugs, SR

  6. It took me about 5 years. 5 years that slowly got darker, longer and so bleak.

    I wake up every morning thankful to not be hungover. To be able to face the day with joy and anticipation.

    You are on the right path.

    1. They do get longer, bleaker and darker don't they. I didn't much get hangovers physically but the mental crippling paranoia was dreadful and not worth the two hours drinking, that's for sure. But every day i started again. Thank you for guiding me too. x

  7. Daisy, your instinct is right; sober momentum is terrifically strong but can be undone with just one drink, like throwing your brick of shame into the spokes of a moving bicycle. So don't stop pedalling, ever. Here's lots of super-size sober hugs from me. You are brilliant! Bea xxx

    1. Bea, I loved that and added it to my post, undone in a second. No pedalling stopping here. I don't feel brilliant but thank you for the sober hugs and the supersize of them all.

  8. Brilliantly described, as always. Songs still coming to mind, constantly this week, as I quoted on LS, REM "When the day is long/ Hold on ... when you think you've had enough of this life/ Hold on .../ Everybody hurts..."
    Never forget those seven years, seven years when you knew the way, but something held you back - it will not defeat you again special lady, NO WAY

    1. What a great line Kate, thank you I can't go back there, I don't know if I'd get out of the otherside.

      Hugs to you too, you so inspire me too :) x