Change and cross roads

You'll excuse me from being lax at posting, having a new job means I'm settling into a routine which involved no access to communication for at least three days a week and then a kind of catching up of life which seems to inevitably happen. I'm sober and I'm happy. I've had the odd urge but nothing significant at all. This I think is progress surely. I'm happily sober. I'm available and I'm actually doing OK.

Its been a pretty normal, if chaotic week going from working one day to four each week. But, I am enjoying it and my days are settling down at work so I can plan. But, its left me at a crossroads with my counselling. I'm now working on my allocated addiction counselling day, so I either change days with someone new, or give it up. I can't decide what to do. In some ways starting again with someone is a positive thing, whilst I liked the lady I've been seeing, we didn't really gel. On the other hand, now I'm faced with either giving up my SMART meeting and seeing someone that day, or trying to find another time to see someone. Or just stopping. I just can't decide. Part of me thinks that the digging into things is too early, part of me thinks going over old rope from childhood isn't helpful. Then again I've always been avoid emotional pain at all costs, haven't I. Which is where the numbing and the drinking came in handy. So I'm at a bit of a cross roads with that particular brand of help. I realise its useful but just not sure what to do next. Ponder time here.

Something shifted in me at the weekend. I'm not sure what it was, but we had visitors which, whilst is not unusual, they brought wine for dinner. I'd mentioned previously not to bring any, but there you are. Something I have gotten from my counselling is that sometimes I feel I'm not seen. Or heard. Sometimes I actually think I'm the invisible sober girl.

But here's the thing. I didn't get mad. Well maybe a wee bit mad, for about a nano-second. And, due to careful sober planning I had loads of lovely juices and alcohol free fizz/wine/beer in the house so I just thought, stuff it. If you can't see or hear me, that's more to do with you that it is about me. You didn't listen. Or if you listened you thought I was mistaken. No, I really meant, please don't bring wine for dinner, we're having some sober time.

But, it seems I'm the invisible sober girl, here cooking your dinner, as you didn't listen. And, I will open your wine and even pour it for you with my invisible sober hands. Because you know what, I don't want it. Poison yourself why don't ya. I'm happy not drinking, in fact, and here's the shift. I know for a fact I'm not missing out. Not in the slightest.

Like I said, something has shifted. Happily sober. And that's a change I'm grateful for. I'm not whining (excuse the pun) about not having wine. I'm not missing out. Maybe I'm in pink cloud land, but right now, alcohol is not something I want. It doesn't enhance my life.

I'm also happy for my husband who noticed the wine and asked if I wanted him to say anything and move it away, or ask them to put it back in their car. 

No, lovely man. I'm good. You know what, I'm not missing that shit. And thanks for seeing me. The sober me. I'm truly grateful for being seen, sober. Dinner ended nicely enough, Mr Me loudly enthused about not missing drinking at all, he's thinking of going tee-total he told them (to aghast open mouths). Fabulous chap that he is.

Week ended with a SMART meeting where we talked about life balance. Unsurprisingly we all need to work on having more fun in our fabulous sober lives.

So with that in mind I've given myself today totally off from work and everything and I'm working in my garden. I might go for a drive and a walk. Today is for me. Now that I'm working over weekends, I need to remember that time off at home, alone or otherwise, is essential. And my week days aren't solely for chores. 

This statement seems totally luxurious and outrageous. There is tonnes to do. But, it will wait. Time for me. Scary as that is I know that taking care of me, is important. Taking care of others is important too, but today, they can wait. Just for a while.

Have a great sober day folks. 

Day 159 nothing to see here aside a happy sober girl.

Day 95 - Sober love, apply liberally, with a shovel.

Sober treat basket overload. Sober love.

Thank you for all the support yesterday. I really appreciate it. Hugs and kisses to you all x

So the snarky head is still here but I bludgeoned it yesterday with sober treats and sober tools, I bought a basket full. A group call with Belle. An email with sober chum. A text with another. A call with a friend who makes my heart sing. I read sober blogs and forums. And, today its kept the sober-momentum going when I thought I was sunk. Today I also went to a meeting and asked for help with preventing relapse. 

Before today I've never had this many sober days in a row. NEVER. (aside pregnancy and my kids are 18/20) On the call with Belle there was a lot of chat about sober momentum, how to get there, sober treats and how to shovel sober support on with a JCB truck if you need to. Just to get through. 

So it got me thinking. I've been 'thinking about stopping drinking' and aware I've had a problem for a long time. My longest stretch of 'sober' before today was in October 2007 when I almost managed a month.

Almost, I drank on the last day. So in my head I didn't make it.

Its taken me until now to understand that what I've been trying and I mean determined trying to do is stop drinking or moderate for several years before October 2007 when I managed 30 sober days in a row. And, its taken me SEVEN YEARS almost to the day to start getting that again.

SEVEN YEARS

I've been on day 1, day zero, day 3, day zero, day 2, day zero, day zero, day zero [repeat this loop for SEVEN YEARS up until October 4th 2014.] 

AND EVERY MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT BEFORE I'VE BEEN BASHING MY HEAD WITH A VIRTUAL BRICK OF SHAME AND SELF LOATHING FOR A LONG TIME BUT THE MOST RECENT FOR SEVEN YEARS

No wonder I'm tired. I've been trying to get sober momentum (now that I know what that is) for the last seven years. And, I'm glad I found out about all the sober love and treats around and stopping hitting myself on the head with a brick. And its working. Sober tools work.

So even now, even on Day 95 when I've been feeling snarky I know that I need to not believe that voice in my head that tells me so many things which are wrong, like I should drink now and it will be OK.

What if it takes me another SEVEN YEARS to get this far.

Now, that's scarier than not drinking today and that's all I'm doing. Not drinking today.

And I'm loading up the sober treats, supports, emails, forums, podcasts, blogs, hugs and sober love until I understand inside myself that I'm worth being sober for. I'm learning so much from you all, I can't thank you enough. So I'm opening my arms up and loading myself up with sober love and tools.

Even if I sink in sober love.

So there. So what I'll be sober because today that's best for me.

And today I started my evening sober routine at 3pm today because I knew I needed to.

So there. I'm still sober, even though my heads telling me to give this all up. But, I need to say no.

And why, I keep telling myself, well I might not have sober again for a while if I stop today and the way I'm going and was drinking, maybe I don't have another SEVEN YEARS of abusing myself like this by drinking malarkey. So I say no.

Load me up on sober please. I'm too scared of going back. 

I can only deal with today and today, right now, I'm sober.

So apply sober love, liberally, with a shovel. Just do it already Daisy.

ETA to add a comment from Bea -

Daisy, your instinct is right; sober momentum is terrifically strong but can be undone with just one drink, like throwing your brick of shame into the spokes of a moving bicycle. So don't stop pedalling, ever.

Day 93 - Where to start.

So I started this whole sober journey at home in my own kinda rehab which involved a sofa bed and a lot of chocolate.

I moved into my sober bed, bought with my first months sober savings soon after. And, I've been in one or other basically ever since then. Often all day. Sometimes everyday. Often working, often not just reading sober stuff. I've declined a lot of parties and taken sober self care when required, often going back to bed.

Its OK for a while and as I work 7 hours a week from home, a skype convo in my bed with my job share (non video) is OK at a push.  I can write reports no bother and I'm 'present' in my job now rather than dragging myself through it.

Here's the thing, its unsustainable for me longer term. In fact its unsustainable for anyone longer term, I think.

So whilst I can give excuses like sorry no bra on today, can't come. I really need a boot up the backside or a strategy to get me on the move before gone lunchtime.

I also need to find an additional job. I might need a bra for that. And probably clothes. 

I guess in some ways its time to go back into the world, sober. And fathom out what it is I actually want to do and not overwhelm myself in the real world.

Then again I might stay in my pj's until I hear my husbands on his way back from work then frantically get dressed.

Apply motivation here please in the comment box below.

Or if you're a more direct kind of person use this!

Seven Days Sober

This weeks been a miserable one, [feel free to leave now!] the weathers been mostly like this drizzly and damp, dark and cold. Not a lot of fun and I'm afraid its mirrored my mood. Its been a bleak, dark week, some family stuff going on and a fair bit of anxiety over that. Sunday I really wanted to just drown it all in wine. I confessed this to my husband, who said we both know it won't help. He's very clever sometimes. I'm being more open with him these days and its really helping. He's making me strong and listening to me, so I'm being more honest. I find it hard to trust people, so for me this is a new growing aspect of our relationship. Sober benefit. And phone calls with new sober friends, listening and helping so much, thank you lovely you know who you are.

I'm also gearing up to a Xmas at home with boozy chums staying so that's got me a bit rattled. I'd emailed Belle, my sober penpal on the 100 day sober challenge, and told her I was a bit wobbly. She talked a lot of sense and also suggested I join in on her festive photo round up. Whilst there was NOTHING festive happening here, I'd a mind to make a wreath for the door so a couple hours with the loppers, some string and a wooden hanging later, as if by magic a wreath appeared with holly and ivy from the garden. (Don't peer into the messy kitchen, it needs a tidy!)

Truth be told I was quite chuffed with it. And, it distracted me out of my sullen mood.  

I had my therapy session this week and after I managed to have a half hour walk in the park where a cherry tree was blossoming far too early, whilst only a smatter of flowers, a bright light in the grey day. A fair bit of reflection, a few tears, these things take time. Both kids are now off to their fathers for Xmas, whilst this is normal in our lives, for me its a time I've always found difficult and isolated. I need to work through these feelings and find light and love with them, however the distance.

I took a trip on a train this week, visit a friend from my old life who's near. It was such a lovely change of scene and instead of driving, the train was a real relaxing time. Usually I weigh up petrol v train ticket money. This time I weighed up driving v reading time. I opted for the latter. A bit of a change for me.

A wee bit of time on beaches trying to make the noises in my head stop. Trying to calm the panic and stress that normally leads to drinking.  Overwhelm and upset often lead me to find solace and comfort in a bottle of wine (or two), but this week, as suggested I've tried to ride through the emotional turmoil. I use to think I never was a person who cried. Since getting sober this is certainly not the case. Tears are frequent and often. My skin is raw, prickly, shrinks to the sense of the slightest touch.  I'm desperately trying not the retreat, but its hard.

I'm never great at this time of year. Short days spoil my mood. I'm so looking forward to tomorrow when the shortest day is gone and from now on the days lengthen.  And, hopefully with it more light in my life and a lighter heart maybe.

Now, I know as a very new sober person, to be vigilant for stray glasses of wine trying to get through my sober superhero protective suit. So when faced with our local works 'doo' I side stepped the mulled wine, the sparkling wine, the beer, the cider, the spiced cider and found a wee jug of sober juice to sup from. Safe I thought. No, brandy in the pate, wine in the stew, I carefully avoided. Well done me out of danger. But, but, but, no I didn't expect, at a 'Festive Brunch' to find myself choking on a chocolate pudding.

Not a sixpence hiding in this (as sometimes at Xmas puddings can hide silver), but in these 'brunch' puddings it tasted like a gallon of whisky had been added. If you asked me if I'd be sitting in a large glass house dodging alcohol from every angle, including the chocolate pot puddings, I'd have thought you mad. Its daytime, people are driving (?) we're in a glass house, its 11am in the morning and its riddled with booze. I deftly (and quite unlike a LADY, that I assure you that I am) scraped the pudding back out of my mouth. A bit like a kid eating something disgusting. Firstly I'm driving and secondly it was rank, I hate booze in food, its vile. I'm sure if I tried to set a match to it, it would have flambayed itself. Begone Wolfie and your cunning xmas tricks, hiding booze in everything. You didn't get me you bugger. Almost though.

Date night, a couple of bottles of super posh soda from M&S whilst he perferred the raspberry, I perferred the lemon and mint. We had a sober carpet picnic, curled up and watched a film. I have to say I'm spending more time with my husband than a bottle of Merlot. Its nicer. And a nice way to start the weekend. No hangover this morning.

Today we went and picked our xmas tree, I love this tradition of bringing evergreen tree and light into the house. The smell is intoxicating. I also saw this wee penguin and knew that it would make us smile. In free floating splendour wonderful little penguin.  So that's was my week in photos. Some dark days, full of emotion, compelling to drink to forget or dull the pain. But, depsite the odds we got there.  Fecking hard this sober stuff sometimes. Some days lighter with friends, sober treats and love.

Whilst I'm nervous about xmas and having a boozy chum and her family to stay, I'm going to keep upping my sober tool kit, bling up the sober treats big style and make time for me and my sober self. And try not to go mad. Best Xmas present a girl can have eh? Sober Santa.

Day 69 - Attack of the hormones

You looking at me?????

I'm still very much in meh-self-critical-land. So you'll excuse me, perhaps if I'm a but glum-some. It is hormone time here in sober girl land and whilst I know this passes, the blackness that arrives with my monthly cycle is crippling. Although to be fair and sorry if this is really too much information, I'd always managed this (like so many things in my life) with red wine and chocolate. So when I gave up the wine I was dreading my period. Its not like its a barrel of laughs at the best of times but coping with it without wine, was unthinkable.  However I have to say even though its been 69 short (long) days, the effects of PMT etc have been vastly reduced since I stopped drinking. It might be because I've taken vitamin supplements too, it might be because the wine made it worse, who knows. I only know that a benefit of not drinking seems to be less PMT.  Woo hoo ladies.

OK so my husband constantly invading the bathroom when I get sorted for some sober time with my podcast my candles and my bubbles has resulted in serious inner rage, nothing to do with PMT. 

You know, of course I, like many mothers, girlfriends, wives, have a magnetic arse. I was born with it or it arrived when the kids arrived. This bloody arse of mine turns instantly to ON when it splashes its way into the bath for some quiet time. Doens't yours? Isn't it just the time other householders have lost something that only you can find. Or when the phone goes and not one person thinks to say, actually she's naked in the bath and talking to MIL isn't really appropriate for either party. Or like last night when something is spilt on the floor, no imminent danger to mankind as we know it, and whilst you have no interest, no cloth, no means of helping and no idea why they burst in, they do. And, no I didn't offer him my big fluffy sober towel. You are covered in soap suds and can offer no solution to the worlds problems, that's when my magnetic bum is at its finest.

{we do have more than one bathroom in this house, DARLING.}

I am learning to contain my inner rage, soapy or otherwise, its not my fault I'm so popular I tell myself calmly. Could I please have some peace. Thank you.

What my husband tells me when challenged is that he's not use to a naked girl in the bath living with him. He likes to check I'm OK, which is man code for 'naked'. Whilst right now I'm really not in the mood for anything but a nice relaxing sober bath, I giggle.

So you see its really my fault, being a real live girl and all that.

I'm not about to compromise on my sober bubbles, so I'm drawing up a peace treaty, offering, contract negotiation to allow me to have some quiet time. 

Onwards to Day 70 tomorrow, and a look back at my sober week. Hopefully with less hormones. Have yours got less as the sober momentum continues? I wonder if its a normal getting sober thing, decrease in feeling crappy at a certain time of the month.

Day 54 - Bloody sober treats

Big fluffy sober treats.

So I'm taking the good wonderful sober advice out there and upping the tools of my sober self to include sober treats, often and liberally applying them. Recondition the brain from seeing wine as a reward, to treating myself nicely, getting a small reward/boost for my sober days. Sounds like a sensible enough plan.

Or I'm trying to.

I'm new to this treats malarkey, whilst its fun and novel and I think it helps, I seem, as always to have taken the thing way seriously.

I'm 'sober-treating' with gusto. Nothing too fancy, but I think about what I'd like to have as a treat for not drinking and I go and make it happen. This is new for me, whilst I'm very likely to find you 'just the thing I know you'd love', I'm not so good at this myself.

I'd rather decided today I was taking it all a bit too seriously when I'd been in the SIXTH shop trying to find an avocado. I was getting overwhelmed about a bloody giant green fruit (not a vegetable) and its technically a berry not a pear, but beleive me on that one. I can argue for hours on what's a fruit and whats not. It sends kids screaming for cover in all directions. I wanted a juicy, large green fruity-not-a-vegetable berry which is great with a dash of Worscester sauce and a dollop of tabasco, apply teaspoon. YUM.

I wanted an avocado, just one, that's all I wanted. We're both clear on this now, right? I thought to myself, no one else likes them. I'll get one, maybe two for me. They're yummy. But, its my treat.

When you start 'internet trawling' to find out which store might have them you know you've kind of hit ridiculus. Bloody sober treats, do they need to be THIS hard.

My angst was getting the better of me. It was like an avocado induced frenzy in the end. I still haven't managed to find one. NOT EVEN ONE.  Maybe avocados are now extinct? I guess I missed that on the local news? Maybe its just in Scotland. Oh crap.

So I returned home today with a big fluffy towel. Not a fruit, not a vegetable, not anything else edible. A towel. My brain confuses even me. How did I get from avocado to towel.

My thoughts were..... 

Well if I can't have a goddam avocado, I'll have a big pink (who knows why) fluffy towel, my sober towel. I'm in the bath a lot early evening and have my podcast, my bubbles and my bath like a super-sober-regime. So a big fluffy new towel sounded like a cool plan. Why pink, I've no idea I'm not a girly girl by any stretch of the imagination. But I wanted pink. So I step into the rainbow towel aisle of my local big superstore.

So which was the ONLY colour on the shelf they didn't have, pink. So I face a choice, think up ANOTHER sober treat or buy a towel of a different colour. 

I'm not the most patient shopper, so a steely granite grey towel of epic fluffy magnitude was thrust forthright at the unmanned till. No where near PINK, very elegant grey. Just like the one at the top, its beautiful.

A perfect sober treat.

Muttering to myself (It's not an avocado, but it will do, its lovely, purr purr, its so soft) I learnt two things about myself today. I'm quite strict with my interpretation of tasks when set by other folks. Or even by myself. I need to lighten up more and go with the flow. Avocado, towel, book, candle, fruit, fluffy whatever. Sober treats are treats. You can allow yourself to be flexible with the idea of them. Unlike last week when I threw a strop with myself because I couldn't find exactly the colour/species of lily I wanted to have. Seriously does it matter? A bit but not enough to not do it. Less control required. Will anyone die if the treats are not 'just so'. NO. Is it better to treat yourself than go without cos you can't find exactly what you want. YES. 

[As I type this my inner control freak is certainly not pleased with that outcome. Neither I suspect is Wolfie who loves it when we just don't/can't take care of ourselves. AKA 'if that's the not the treat you want then that sucks big time, stupid idea treats, get something else get something you'd like. We know you like wine, get some wine.'] Is Wolfie trying to steal my treats and my sober?

Secondly, I'm not seeing wine as a treat. SHHHH. I'm just whispering it. I'll say it quietly. I'm not seeing wine as a treat. Not today.

Like not really at all. Not wine, wine is not a treat. For now, its to be treated (pardon the pun) like plutonium or kryptonite. I don't trust the stuff. Whatever you do, don't tell Wolfie. Infact I've started calling it - 'head-fuck-juice'. Add a skull and crossbones logo, and we're done with that for now. Toxic stuff. Handle with care, infact, just don't handle. Not today. 

Much safer with a wrong colour (yet epically fluffy) towel, that should have been an overly ripe perfect for eating, avocado. Treats is treats, I remind myself. Apply often, apply frequently, go with the flow, as long as you get one.

Much safer, neither of them can be poured on my head, neither of them make me feel like shit.

Now, if I'd found an avocado towel, like this one. Well that would have been super cool.  Still no need for a spoon though huh?

I guess I should write a sober treats list and just pick them off one by one, as and when they appear, rather than hunting them into extinction. Until then, you might find me under a mountain of big fluffy towels. Just don't tell Wolfie. Shh.

Lighten up on what the treats are though sober lady!

Day 39 and a half

My friend brought me roses. For once they opened instead of sulking in the vase. 

You know I've been wondering and berating myself for not stopping [drinking] sooner and not dealing with this stuff, these emotions, this junk sooner. I'm an idiot for drinking so long I yell at myself. I'm good at yelling, its in my genetic make up to be LOUD.

Right now, today, right here, I realise why its now and not then. 

I needed time and space to do it. Its crazy and emotional and huge. And, scary. I couldn't do it before. I don't know if I can now, but I'm trying. My life had to move on from crazy wonderful lovely [my own] family to now. To the empty rooms, to the new life.

I've been holding everything well tight together with sticky tape and crossed fingers and glitter for years. Hoping no-one would find out. That's worked, but only for then. But, they're gone now and they're happy enough, growing up alone and happy.

I don't actually want to drink [well not today]. 

Now, I need and want something different. 

And, I need time and space emotionally and I need to be heard and be told its OK now. 

Me, the Queen of huge smiles and laughing lovingly saying  'its all going to be fine, don't worry, I'm here for you'.

Who knew, I probably needed to be there for me too. I can now.

Gold star big tick.

PS, I knew I could write a smaller post! Ha.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.