Changes and teaspoons.

Its funny when I think about it. Being sober won't change me I thought to myself I'm only losing the booze. Hmm. A bit like a new parent who's life will NEVER change after having a baby, things are very different.

I think for a while now whilst I've been in what feels like 'serious reboot' I've known something is afoot. However I didn't expect that things were really changing. But they seem to be.

Yes still sober. I've had opportunities thrust upon me to drink lately and somehow remarkably sidestepped them.

I've even drunk apple juice from a wine glass and pretended. Yes that's sad. I know don't judge me I am just not ready to come out to everyone. And certainly not drunken (family) strangers in my own house. Sometimes its easier to lick their teaspoon and smile whilst stirring their tea than actually have a fight about things. Especially booze. My husband knew it was juice too and just went with it.

So I'm sober but seem to be emerging from somewhere old into somewhere new. But, I'm not sure where.

I even had a stand up for myself row with my loved ones about my lack of phone. I listened, heard their points and rather than just feel grumpy and bludgeoned I actually said 'Don't push me on this or I will never have one again. Let me do this in my own time, right now I need to disconnect and reboot'. 

I now have a phone, its in the car, and its not connected to the internet. I use it for travelling at my family's insistence. I can see that point. They're taking on board I don't want to be connected to the universe every single second and they have my office number.

You see whilst I'm quite happy to stand up for myself sometimes, even about the smaller things, often or not I'm more of a 'lick your teaspoon' and smile kind of girl. But that's changing too.

Tea anyone.....I'll get you a clean spoon xx

Coming at you like a Sober Dodo

How to kill a conversation stone dead. Like dodo dodo dead.

Me - Hey look I treated myself to a fitbit thingmy - trying to get a bit fitter.

Friend - Great - wow its ace how do you use it, why did you get it?

Me - Well guess what its a year and a bit since I stopped drinking and I just thought I deserved a treat. I'm feeling much better and thought I'd keep going.

Silence.

From someone who dissects the minutia of our lives normally, silence was as roaring as a charging bull.

More silence. For once I did not offer excuses or did I retrench, I just lent into the silence, waiting for a response. My time to talk and explain, share, confess and really be honest.

Nothing.

Unsurprisingly perhaps, a complete change of topic enchewed. I almost checked my watch to make sure I wasn't in some space time anomaly, which you know happens often in the park. However no Tardis in view. Seems time is perfectly fine.

No darling girl, this isn't going away. But, I'll wait and talk about it when you're ready. I'm already here.

Bit of a monumental one for me. Sad about the Tardis but amazed at my small courage.

Happy sober day. New routine seems to be helping. Thanks for all the cheering from the sidelines.

Irrational v Rational Thoughts (AKA bollocks or not bollocks.)

Rational thinking? Image from Calvin and Hobbes.

I've had a meeting day when I get to SMART and actually listen. The meeting in itself was a bit tiresome. Someone kept leaving the meeting and then coming back in. It wasn't a biggie but for once I just thought just sit the f*ck down. My inner rage often bubbles below the surface it would seem. I do not think this was out of line. It was disruptive but I guess they felt they had to do it.

We talked about irrational thoughts (I deserve a drink, only one, no harm there, I can stop after one) compared with rational (evidence based) thoughts (You won't stop at one, you don't 'deserve a drink', you never stop once you get started). Or as I like to think about them.

Bollocks or NOT Bollocks.

{I'm not trying to be offensive, whilst this word is use for male genitalia, here in the UK it is also used as a noun for expressing displeasure link here. But not a word you would use in polite company or when telling your Grannie that the current government aren't up to the job.}

So here's what I've been challenging myself with.

Is what I'm saying or thinking rational or not - no its bollocks. [irrational]

Is what I think based in evidence, if it is its - NOT bollocks. [it is in fact rational]

I have huge issue with these things. And, as part of my sober journey I'm starting to face up to those things that make me feel rubbish and brew irrational thoughts. Its not easy.

Trying to replace them with evidence based thinking (NOT bollocks) is bloody hard when you've spent your life hiding. Living in irrationalville, Bollocks central.

A bit like this morning routine. Getting up at a fixed time seems to make me feel more grounded. Routines do too. And I'm kind enough to know that a bit of slippage is OK as long as it all gets done.

My usual irrational voice would tell me - look at you, I mean, you can't even GET UP like a normal person. When you start the day like that, your brain shuts down to any sort of rational thinking. Well, at least, I'm beginning to know, mines does and then the self flagellation begins and I descend into 'see you, you're rubbish at life'.

Which is, quite frankly bollocks. But when that's what your morning brain tells your heart, [shouting YOU'RE RUBBISH] your self esteem falls into your boots.

Not clever. And, not true either.

So that's been a bit of a lightbulb moment for me.

The evidence would suggest that as I've always really physically struggled with getting up since I was a freshly hatched child, that I am not lazy or stupid or lax. I wake up like I've been drugged, dragging myself out of sleep, none of this fresh as a daisy stuff for me. Always been the same. Its just who I am and how my body works. Who knows it might be something I can fix. And if I can't then its just how I am.

So armed with my giant sober flash cards which challenge me to think are these thoughts rational or irrational. I can stop and really think of what I'm trying to tell myself, and which card to hold up high. Mostly I think it will be this one.

Yes really, you're OK.

Monday Morning

I only woke up once last night. Not that I'm obsessed about sleeping or anything. Some things are afoot at work and I should hear today what will happen. Its a bit unsettling. But, if I end up at home more, I'm not complaining as the autumn sets itself on chilly and throws itself into winter.

Back in the sober routine today again. Weekends seem to have no routine at all having himself home. Spoke to both the kids yesterday which was nice. Its also good being sober as it doesn't matter when that happens. House is also nice and tidy, I took an hour yesterday to straighten it up. Its not perfect but it does help my mental health if its not a complete pig sty.

A bit of the sober morning routine done today - sets me up for the day. So if I can keep doing it, then i'll be a happy bunny.

I guess I need to set up that review appointment - so I've not achieved everything on my list, so what. I'm sober. A wee look at those goals......


I'm happy to share some of my goals for the next three months. (JULY)

1 - Not Drink. 
2 - Be more open with my partner. (GULP)
3 - Keep attending meetings.
4 - Look into other groups if work commitments change my schedule.
5 - More personal time, which I dictate, not others.
6 - Look into counselling which is right for me.
7 - More open with close friends about my recovery.
8 - Cull some of my social group which are dysfunctional/bad for me.
9 - More time with kids.
10 - Be nice to myself (I added here, in sub-text, and not talk to myself like I'm an idiot).


So where did I get (OCT)

1 - YUP no drinking
2 - A bit more open I'm learning to trust him. Not full disclosure though.
3 - Been a bit crap at this with work.
4 - Didn't bother. Whoops.
5 - Better at this but still let my boundaries become second to others needs.
6 - Did this and now on the list for someone who sounds a bit more up my street.
7 - Not done this - but not had much time with friends.
8 - Have let some invites for coffees slip - its a start.
9 - More time with kids when I can. Getting less scared at touching base and saying hey fancy catching up.
10 - Work in Progress.

See I'm only human after all, some done, some not so I'm clearly human......sober but human.

Happy Monday folks.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

Fractured

Hey its the weekend - a time for routines to get crazy disrupted. I'm OK with that, its my  day time week time life I'm trying to get a bit more structure in so I can free style it more at the weekends and not give myself a hard time.

Friday night came and went without much more than a takeaway and some telly. Early to bed meant I was awake at 1am and slept around three. I'm not liking this disrupted sleep much.

Yesterday was a very odd day - I went to see one of my family who's broken a leg. I wrapped it up in dropping off a few household things her family would find useful. Expecting to be in and out like a veritable emotionally challenged ninja I was floored when after an hour or so of pleasantaries my sister asked if we'd like to go out for some food. I was expecting to leave. We have little communication and little in common. I bailed at 16 years old out of a life that was just too violent and loud for my delicate soul. Being the oldest I guess I had always felt a bit guilty for leaving them there but sometimes in life, every man for herself is all you can do.

We had a nice day - there I said it, it was nice. Odd, a bit emotional but nice. A bit too much connection with my old life emotionally for me it left me very drained. Most of my family's life is the same as the one I bailed out from. Although the familiarity did little to comfort me. Its left me feeling very fractured and guilty for my own choices. Guilty as in could I have done more, but not enough to have actually done anything it would seem. But I'm here now and its a new day.

Very strange being in a pub - I don't go in them. I had a twinge of 'should I drink to keep her company ??????' more out of needing to fit in than not. But, I just had a tonic and that was fine. No judgement.

What was enraging for me (and pretty enlightening) is that my sibling has a broken leg in two places, just had surgery and is now managing alone in a flat two stories up. She lives alone. Her grown up kids are making sure she's OK. Since she hurt herself I've been touching base a bit with her, and finally got up the courage to go and see her. The fact that my mother hadn't bothered to call or pop over at all after my sister had called and told her she'd broken her leg and needed an operation.

Not even called, not once.

Now I can be livid about that even if I don't know how to react to my mothers treatment of me.

Family feels so fractured. That family anyway. My life is now very different and for that I'm truly grateful. Even if I am a little guilty. I've promised myself as part of my new me, new life, new sober life, I'll try and be a better sibling. Might let me heal a bit too.

Normal?

Crazy crap nights sleep again. Getting to bed early enough but just disturbed sleep. There's a few things going on at home that have been unsettling. Maybe this is just normal stuff going on? I retreated the spare room, leaving my lovely bed and its snoring contents to itself and listened to Belle for a couple of hours.

I did think about Lucy's comment about the SMART groups routine, I've been struggling to go. I really must be more vigilant. And, I'm also at my 3 month review of my 'action plan' part of which was being more open about being sober, disclosing more. I can honestly say I'm not ready to do that yet and I don't know if I will ever be. And, having thought it through I'm OK with that for now.

Just don't call me sisyphus - Image gapingvoid.com/nz

No point in pushing rocks up hill if you don't have to. I'm just not ready. I'm more open with husband but aside that this sober stuff is my business. A tad defensive maybe but its a process right?

I had a look back on this time last year. The weather is changing and the stove in the kitchen flickers away in the mornings. It reminds me of the safety of being newly sober and starting to find the sober community. Interesting looking back on the early days.

This time last year.....HERE

Curlers.

So we made it through the night, only waking at around 5am, no dreams. 

Interesting. Did I need to blurt to the world my hate of routines and scary reoccurring dreams of being bladdered?

I went to bed in curlers, yes curlers. I have crazy long hair and whilst working through a craving last night I thought - curlers you can't buy wine with curlers in. So there we are. I had my pjs on by 9pm and curlers in by 9.30 - and knowing me as you do, I am mainly a tom-boy so it was very amusing for my husband. Mrs D recently wrote a blog about surfing the urge, so I surfed mine in curlers. Keeping busy and not giving into an urge. Its something we learn at SMART at my meeting so it was nice to hear her perspective on it.  Nice one Mrs D! Link to that post here.

So I breezed into work today looking like some kind of mad crazy woman, curls and all but well rested. More crystal tips then Julia Roberts but you get the idea.

Crystal Tips - I've always wanted purple hair.

I took heart this morning and cut myself some slack. The morning routine was helpful. If I'm honest. Having been raised solely by wolves with a serious lack of parenting when little, living in abject sqallour with my parent in bed drinking coffee, smoking and reading romantic fiction, I'm not sure how routines develop. However having made up most of my parenting (non smoking, non bed-sitting, coffee drinking but actually paying attention to my kids) I figure my routines are all out of sink as I've no one to do them for anymore.

A bit like having no reason to be sober as they've left home [insert miserable empty nest]. However, I now realise being sober for me is the only way forward.

So I'll set the alarm for tomorrow and hope for a better nights sleep again. As for the routine, I can almost find myself talking out of doing it in any order as long as it gets done but there is a logic to it.

Of course I had to look online to see what I'd promised as I'd actually not written it down and being a scatterbrain I didn't expect to remember it all anyway. So instantly I logged into your nice comments. Thank you. I'll try again tomorrow.

Probably no curlers tonight, just in case you were wondering. Best not peak too early. 

Sober girl over and out.