Day 38 - Overwhelm and getting things done.

My sober bed

So rather than write at night when the mood can be skewed by the cravings for alcohol, I thought today I'd write early. Actually so early, I'm still in bed. Actually I'm in my new 'sober bed' this was my first 'big' treat for being sober a month. So, as I got restless last night, nothing much settling me in the empty house, I built it. And, made it up and moved right in. I had a brilliant sleep, thanks for asking!

As part of changing my daily drinking routine we literally swapped bedrooms from the main bedroom to the lounge's comfy and cosy sofa bed. We've been cosy in there since early October, my husband is more than a bit tolerant of my crazy wishes, so when I said, lets 'camp' in the lounge, it's cosy in there, he agreed.  I really needed to change my routine of drinking on the sofa every night. Drinking on the bed, or in bed, whilst I've done it, not so cool. And, it worked a wee tweak to my routine, I swapped hot chocolate for wine. Its been a sober month while now camping in the lounge. But, it was only temporary. I've been hankering after a quieter space, he's a TV on to sleep kind of person and I am not. So I need a quiet space to hide in.

With my husband away this week, I'd left building the bed until he'd gone to give me lots to do. He's not much of a DIY'r and I love pottering about. So I've enjoyed clearing the room myself and making up a bed, which was straightforward. Just as well. I know that I'm not good with overwhelm, for me its a real trigger into unworthiness and self loathing which leads to drinking. 

Not last night, I thought about the task at hand and limited what I'd promise myself I would do. I didn't build the bed in the master bedroom, it would have been just too much to take down one bed and move it and swap things about. For a while now, I've been hankering after the spare room and sub-conciously I think I bought my sober bed for this room. It doesn't overlook the village streets, Its quiet and private, it overlooks the garden. It feels safer and more private in here. I like this space.

Its a nice space. So I've folded up the sofa bed for now, moved myself into my new uncluttered space with the new bed, my sober bed. 

Its calm and quiet. 

I like it. 

I need to work on making other parts of my life this quiet and uncluttered. And, to get things done, quietly and slowly without overwhelm.

Not just a sober bed, a sober thinking bed at that. A really good nights sleep. Really good.

Well that's me, time for breakfast I think. Have a great day whatever you're up to. And, yes breakfast is a part of my new sober thing, with the vitamins and the baths. Small changes, big impact. 

PS Oh and the chocolate thing seems to have vanished as quickly as it came. Life is funny. My eating chocolate freaked my husband out more than my saying I was giving up the wine for a bit.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

Day 33 - Handle with care

So today, full of those vitamins and a decent sober nights kip, I headed off into the local town to do some volunteering. I'd say I bounced but you know, I'd not want to scare you. Just think about tigger. That's me in my head and today, I was just as bouncy.

My joy and bounciness didn't last long, and I don't know why this affected me so much BUT I got the lady who runs the classes I was helping at wrong, I called her by the wrong name. 

Not once, but twice. I'm crap with faces/names, I muddle things up, I'm dyslexic, its no biggie unfortunately, its just me. Mostly I do OK, sometimes I struggle, especially in social situations. I'm one of those terminally awkward academic types, great with books and plants, crap with other humans. But, I try like I did today, I tried to be normal and seek the company of other humans.

The second time I got her name wrong, she actually shouted at me whilst I was trying to set up some IT for a presentation. Shouted, or rather bellowed at me, like I'm five or something. I just told her that shouting at me wasnt going to help me remember it any better, welled up, bit my lip and put my head down. I made excuses and went to the bathroom.

Now I'm no shrinking violet. The oldest of four and a tomboy at heart. I've worked in an exclusively male dominated environment and held my own. And I'm hiding in the bathroom crying because someone shouted at me. As it turns out the lady was very short with a few folks, I guess she was stressed and no none of us got an apology. Being British, I nearly wrote a strongly worded email, but thought better of it. She's a nervy type and clearly was feeling stressed, so probably didn't really mean to shout! However if that had been one of the guys at my work, he'd have got an earful normally and told to shove his projector where the sun doesn't shine.

I'm not sure if its the sober-ness (is this a word??)  letting out all kinds of weird energy. Or I've lost my shield of steel. Yeah, I'm angry but tearful angry, not shake a fist angry. I'm not working at the moment, I've recently moved and given up my job to move, so I guess maybe its just that. I use to work with lots of volunteers with my job. They got my name wrong, so what I'd make a joke. People volunteering do for many different reasons and lots of them are around confidence. 

As for the lady, I could see she was stressed but part of me wanted to say. You don't know me. You don't know how hard it is for me to walk in here today. I'm sober today, I'm here. This is a big deal for me. I'm trying to get better. You don't know me, you don't know my issues, how can you. I forgot your name and I'm sorry for that but please don't shout at me. Have you any idea how hard it is for me to get dressed and leave the house right now? No, how can you. I'm trying to get better. I'm trying to get to the point where I can think about recovering from this in the future. Please don't shout at me.

For now, whilst a silly incident, I think I need some tape across me which says 'Handle with Care' and maybe for folks to wear name badges. I might need to put labels and big marker pens in my sober tool box........

Mind you, crying not drinking, maybe that's a good sign? But, the crying is that normal?

PS the class was about gingers (the plant, not my hair colour) and was from a guy who'd I'd been a vague colleague of before, he remembered me and that was nice. Asked what I was working on at the moment, erm, just started a new research project, I told him, am working from home.

That's not a lie exactly. Better than saying, erm, I'm a bit broken right now but I'm researching lots of ways to get mended.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

Day 32 - The lost girl.

My new journey, my new home.

Good morning to you all. Its a sunny one here at the wee cottage and if I squint I swear I can see sunshine on the other side of the water which means its smiling on my daughter too in the city at uni. So I'm so SLEEP HUNGOVER today, we went to a gig last night in the city near my son. Meeting up from all over the place, this wee family was for one night only all in Glasgow for a few hours. Whilst the co-ordination felt like something NATO would be proud of I have to tell you doing that kind of get here for then and meet up there and then we'll see you there, was better hangover free. Much better. And seeing them, a huge sober treat.

OK so I'm not much of a public drinker, infact that's the anti-of my drinking. My drinking is very private. So being out in itself at a gig sober isn't a biggie for me, I've always lived rurally and driving is part of being out and about. But you know what struck me aside the fact that whilst I love the fact that my kids and my new husband have the same music tastes (loud, punk, political, for the main angry music) this is no surprise I guess as they all grew up with him and I appreciate their passion for it. Its really not for me. I'm not that cool, I just hang with cool folks.

What I didn't have though was that resentment at having to be out and not in at home drinking. Normally I'd be counting the time down and wondering when we got home how much I could drink. As it was, it was 2.15 am when we got in, and yes I'd have drunk at that time to 'destress' from the drive. I would have justified it as a head switch off.

Now the other thing that struck me aside the sign saying 'we now serve 2 pint tumblers' (2 pints, FFS!) was that I enjoyed being out of my drinking lair. OK, so not really my music taste, well not all of it, I'm more old school punk myself, yes I'm that old. But, the thought struck me. This is fun. I could go to gigs. Why don't I do that more. 

Doh, cos you're home suckling a bottle of chardonnay, normally in your cosy lair.

It also struck me that I can't remember when I could really last be arsed listening to music or finding stuff I enjoyed. Was that the wine too, did it rob the music from my ears? Was that Wolfie telling me, its too loud, you don't like it. You like home, you like the fire on, you like a nice glass of wine. That's your perfect evening. Wolfie tells it like it is. I'm a home buddy, I'm a parent, I'm the homemaker, I stay home, I hide in my liar protecting my family.

Well, is it, is he true? I use to dance til 4am. I use to sing my lungs out in the car. I use to find so much and so many things to DO. Be at home, all the time, me, NEVER. 

Now, lately (is the past 15 years or so lately??) I've just counted the hours down until I could drink. Made my cosy drinking nest and snuggled right in it.  I only invite my closest favouritest drinkers to join me. Like a secret club my drinking lair.  And, as its at home, that means I can still be 'there' for my family. (REALLY?? Sozzled most nights, that's how you work the parenting thing best, right?)

I'd love to blame some catastrophic event in my adult life that sent me reeling to the bottle. I became a parent, I stayed home more, like many I socialised more at home. No biggie. The drinking lair evolved slowly, like a cosy blanket, at first just there, then around your feet, then up around your body. Eventually like a nest, it became all consuming and I got comfy, complacent and it started to weave itself into my life. My marriage went bad, I blamed my husband, he left me with two small kids, I blamed him more. We all blamed him. We toasted to his crapness. He wasn't blameless, but neither was I.

Somewhere along the journey I lost myself. I lost my spark, my happiness, my accountability, I dampened myself down with wine and hid in my lair.

I can't fix the past, on a smaller scale I can fix now. I'm not even sure what kind of music I like anymore. If you've seen the Runnaway Bride - I'm going to give you a very daft analogy. The lady in the lead role (Julia Roberts) is a chameleon, she morphs into whatever her potential husbands need from her. The literal example of this is how she takes her eggs. Its the same as her 'future husbands' and different for each man. The upshot is that she has no idea how she actually likes her eggs. She's lost herself trying to be 'something' for other folks. 

I'm not saying I lost myself so far into the bottle or being a mum or whatever that I blame anyone for my own actions. Its me, hands up right here. But, when did I become this wine-lair person who freaks out at everything, the anxiety is a killer but I've always been anxious and prone to black moods. When did I stop challenging myself and hide in my lair? 

It crept up slowly, like my drinking, I lost me. I'm wondering who I am, if I'm not 'just a drinker'.

On a smaller level whilst I slowly morph back into me, who doesn't know what music she likes? I can easily fix that.  All I know for now is that I quite like Abba, (I realise they're long split up, I'm such a Radio 2 gal), I quite like melodies and singers I can sing along to and some angry punk, I'll give you that. I quite like going to gigs and I quite like dancing. That's a start.

I might have been lost, but I'm in there somewhere. My lair for now is boarded up. The Wolf no longer welcome with his comfy blankets and wine bottles.

Sober Mum, rocking out with the kids both home safe.

Sober Wife, able to drive if needed.

Sober Girl, listening to music again.

Thank you all for your lovely comments yesterday I really appreciated them. You're all stars wherever you are on your journey. Sunny here today, I hope the sun shines on you all too.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

Day 31 - Sober treats

So this arrives today. My sober bed, exactly this beautiful bed. I seem to be investing so much time and energy into being/staying sober that my first sober treat whilst a bit on the over-decadent side, cost almost exactly the same as last months wine money.

Whilst we've just moved into our new 'marriage' house, and I'm not working money is more than a little tight, but I've always found money for wine and associated wine treats/hangover remedies. We've some furniture and a few more bits to find, like a bed for the spare room. So the new bed will move into our room and the old hand-me-down bed to the spare room. This bed is MY sober bed.

Each day I put a fiver (£5) in a jar at the start of the day. Its like my own sober pledge. This money will not be spent on wine today. It sits on the shelf growing the more sober I become. Yes I could spend the money on groceries or on my children, or on shoes. But, this month I promised myself I could buy something for me.

31 days sober = £155 in my jar. [I count it everyday like a modern day Fagan]. My bed, that bed up there, that sober bed cost £159 with a nice new mattress. I'm going to use my £5 from tomorrow to make up the difference. So you see I'll have to be sober tomorrow too. Whilst I'm not very materialistic, how much more fun could my wine-money be if I didn't spend it on wine.

My sleep is so much more improved by not drinking, a nice new sober bed seemed just the ticket. 

Now, don't worry I'm not going to be frittering my newly wine-savings on silly purchases each month, that's very unlike me. But for this month, I wanted to show myself I could do it. I could do what I haven't done my whole adult life and that is to stay sober for one month. On the other hand, if I used the wine-money as a 'treats fund' would that be so bad?

It's certainly better for my liver. Today I feel proud. I've stopped and started and stopped and started giving up for so long now, a month for me is a real big deal.

Thanks for helping me along with this. You're all awesome for taking the time to pop in and comment. For all of you on the forums at Living Sober, thank you. For Women in Sobriety, thank you and for the sober podcasts and all the countless sober beautiful bloggers out there giving each day time to help people like me, THANK YOU. My sober tool box is out and being used every day. I'll keep adding to it as I can. I'll stop gushing now!

I'm out at a concert with the kids tonight so won't get this built up today, but tomorrow, you bet I'll be spanner in hand, building my very own first sober bed. I've been thinking of some new bedding too but maybe not this particular 'wolfie' cover.

Sober Wife, making a new home for us to share, embracing the changes instead of feeling lonely.
Sober Mum, messaged the kids about meeting up later today for a concert.
Sober Girl, excited about her one month sober, she might even put some 'fairy lights' around the new sober bed, just to be silly.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.