Day 110 - paranoia and gratitude

I wrote my number yesterday. 110 days without booze. Go me a quiet celebration here, no one really still understands why I've stopped for a while, no one saw my drinking as a problem. I did. Yesterday, I'd left early for a meeting in a local garden. Greeted by the lady of these lands and a very boisterous Border Terrier, I found my handshake to be good and strong and my mind to be focused. Is this the 'clear head' that they talk about in these here sober lands? It was an interesting meeting and for me, in search of some consultancy work, or lets face it just some 'work', I found my nerves around my appearance, my usual hungover self, my self flagellation at drinking the night before something big like this were all gone. Because, now, I don't drink. No hangover, no guilt. The lack of paranoia in my life is a positive forwards step. I strode into my life for once, instead of sort of sidling in wishing I fitted in. Paranoia is crippling. If Wolfie had a friend he would be called Paranoia.

Its funny how paranoia debilitates our very core isn't it?  If the only thing I can currently take from not drinking is the lack of paranoia, I'll have a gallon of it, a gallon of sober please, no paranoia required. How many wasted days, hours, weeks, months, years I've lost to paranoia and its bedfellow self-loathing. Well no more. No more I tell you. 

So an interesting start to my day. Instead of doing my normal rush home and get myself back into my life, I took time to walk the dogs, write my number, wrap it in a scarf (why not) and then, quite uncharacteristically go for a coffee and have a wee bite to eat by myself. A sober treat I told myself. So off I trotted to the local cafe in our university town, I paid my parking for an hour and I took time for myself to reflect on the meeting and reflect about where I am. A couple with their daughter at school here sat in the next booth. Their family camaraderie clear to see. I do miss my family. Whilst an empty nest is the sign of a productive parenting adventure, the loss still stings. I reflected on my time with my daughter this week, the same age as this girl.

I did catch up with my daughter this week after my SMART meeting. Since leaving home our relationship has been a little strained. I can see she's creating her new self, new boundaries are erected. Initially my paranoia led me to thinking, I'm a bad parent, she doesn't want to spend time with me because I drink/drank. So I drank more and more, until I needed to really think and stop my spiral of despair. I found sober. I found you all. The joy that's given me. The longer I got sober, the more reflective of our family relationship I become. It also helps to have a therapist who's happy to talk things through with. So whilst these new boundaries are erected with my daughter, many of which I grudgingly agree with communication between us has been sparse and often difficult. Its perplexed and upset me. 

My paranoid drinking self has told me, my wolfie has told me I'm a bad parent. I drank, what did I expect when she left? She's finally free of me. Her drunken mother. That stings. My paranoid self has told me lots of bullshit to be fair. But the new sober head is slightly less critical and more analytical, if of course you can apply analytical thinking to teenage girls newly embarked at university. But, I have. I get the new boundaries, they feel new right now but I know they will become familiar. Whilst I moved 300 miles to be nearer my children at university and to join my husband finally, that was my choice.  I might tell myself the key part of this is 'move nearer the children and also be near my husband', my children probably see this more as 'Mum's finally settled in with her husband, we're off the clock, woo hoo!'. 

Now, after much snot and tears and tantrums on my own part, I know I'm a good parent. I've had my moments but overall I'm a good parent. I worked hard at it. Snivelling into my hankie at my last session I talked about the pain I'd experienced during the last few years of my daughters time at home. How my drinking became more secret and my mood, difficult. It was a hard time for me and the family as we adjusted to life and sometimes the changes it can throw at you. I've always blamed my drinking for her distance during this last time at home. Maybe it was, something I'll never know. The paranoia runs deep here. And, it crippled me to stop me asking for help. What if they take my kids, no help for you Daisy. You're alone.

Fast forward to sitting having tea in a student flat in the city. My daughter jovially unpacking the groceries I've brought along. She's still oohing and ahhing at the large jar of chocolate spread in the bag. She's still half way between childhood and woman hood. Its a curiously nice thing to witness. We chat about nonsense mainly. Flatmates come in and out as we talk. Stories of silliness and boozy student capers buzz about in the air. We're alone again for a while. I notice the Vodka and the Rum on the windowsill. Half empty. Giggles of UV paint clubs and drinking spill out of her wee lips. I worry, does she have my addictive pattern inside of her? My paranoia regarding my own drinking is high in my throat.

'You're careful aren't you, with this stuff? You look after each other? You know I worry?' the words are out before I have time to stop my 'mothering'. Rolling eyes and smiling greets me. 'God Mum, we're hardly a hard core flat on the drinking front, but yes we look after each other'. The conversation drifts off into clubs and silliness. Its interesting as a parent seeing this new version of my own flesh and blood. Confident, sassy, bold and yet as she packs her 'tea' up for evening lectures, she's clearly looking after herself. It makes me smile. She turns and says 'I can't imagine you at university, out and being silly, you're so serious and as for the drinking.' 

My heart stops, as it always does, when any mention of my name and drinking is aired. What do you mean, I sat and think when she leaves that statement there. 

For once, being 110 days sober I'm not sitting thinking, can she smell the wine on me? Did I message her something stupid last night? Am I OK? For once I'm totally in the moment armed with a clear brain and no paranoia. What did she mean? Maybe its time to tell her I'm sober now. Maybe I'm strong enough to share this with her. That the past, is exactly it, in the past.

I begin to think of the things to speak, words forming in my mouth. She finishes her sentence 'as for the drinking, you'd never cope.'.  Excuse me? I'd never cope?  The conversation takes a different turn to the one I thought it would. My paranoia sits expressionless, beside me as my daughter regales to me how rubbish a family we were at drinking. 'I mean, I've never even seen you drunk, well maybe a glass of wine now and then. But I've never seen you drunk, not even at your wedding and plenty other people were'. The words she leaves off here is 'you're such a square'. Its true I didn't drink at my wedding, I mean in public, drinking, erm no thank you. I never drank in public after I really got into my drinking. But I'd never thought that really, they hadn't noticed my drinking. I'd hoped for sure that they didn't know, but I thought they must know.

Never seen me drunk. Never seen me drinking but a glass of wine, now and then. Surely this can't be true. But, I know that my son says the same. When I told him I'd given up wine for a bit he 'Pfft'.

In my face, he 'PFFT' me. 'Its hardly like you drink, now, is it?'  So they both know I'm off the wine for a bit.

Out of the mouths of babes. My paranoia still lurks inside me, I knew how much I was drinking. I hid it from most of my life, but it was there. My constant.

What I know I need to do is forgive myself for the deceit and the self-loathing and start afresh. Somehow, a silly conversation about not very much, at a time when I was ready to open up and say sorry for it all, sorry for all the deceit, I'm faced with a different reality. A nicer one. Maybe its no ones business that I use to drink. But, I've been so paranoid that my drinking has deeply affected my children and our relationship that it stifles me and blurs my thoughts constantly. Its been a constant, alcohol in my parenting life, but I hope its effects have been limited. I truly do.

I know its affected the way I act around people so to say its had no impact on their lives would be a lie. But, sitting in the student flat, I'm calmer now, I'm sober now. She didn't see my drinking and I don't do that any more, so maybe I do need to take heed and move on myself. Paranoia created by alcohol consumption, is not kind. It affects your self-worth and reactions in relationships. I see that so clearly now. And, I'm grateful that (whilst its deceitful), my family really didn't notice my drinking. I know I shouldn't be as grateful as I am, but I am truly grateful. 

I look at this beautiful 18 year old in front of me, blossoming. And, thoughts of her 'square mother', lol, I can deal with being a square, for sure.  But when I was young, I'll tell you........I did my share of partying. I had fun young lady. No really I did. For a while, so be careful.

It only got no fun when the drinking turned all consuming, when it turned inwardly and became secretive. And, when wolfie arrived with his veracious appetite and his paranoid pills.

We hug, she goes to class, tea in one hand, packed meal in another. Speak soon, the words are off my lips a bit lighter. I'm beginning to see the changes in both of us.  They're not as bad as feared. I'm calmer, more whole-hearted, she's blossoming. Its amazing what happens when you take Wolfie and paranoia out of the equation.

Today's motto is to be kind to myself. What's yours?

Today I'm grateful I didn't drink.

I stood with an open half empty bottle of wine at my lips last night. The smell was acrid, I stood in my kitchen thinking fuck it. No one listens to me in my real life, no one. (so not true) I stood and thought fuck it, why not. I can't get away from this stuff why fight it. I stood for a good five minutes, which seemed a life time. The sour smell up my nose, the taste almost on my lips. But, I put the bottle down.

Two things also went through my mind simultaneously

I don't' want to go back here.
There isn't enough wine for two of us.

After what seemed a life time, I put the bottle down. I just went and sat down, heart racing. I don't know which statement brought me back sooner, there isn't enough, nope there wasn't. Is there ever?

Or, I don't want to go back there, grudingly that was there.

But the there's never enough and there isn't enough tonight was the louder voice. That what stopped me. And a tiny bit of, I can't go back there. Standing in my new posh kitchen, bottle at my lips, wine-hunger too ravenous for a glass.

And yes my friend from down south is staying again and yes, she brought wine. I asked her not to, she hid it in her bag and yes I looked. Her wolfie is very loud, I get that.

Shame all round I say.

Me for snooping and not trusting her. Her for not respecting me and my wishes. I'd braved it to ask her not to bring wine.

Part of me wanted to drink it to teach her a lesson. Part of me just wanted it, otherwise I'd have thrown it down the sink.

This person isn't someone I can just launch out of my life. Although she lives a long way away, for various reasons she's here around once a month. And, will be for the foreseeable future. There are no other options for her aside a hotel she's been in my life since my kids were 2 and 3. Always my rock, my safe escape, my wine buddy.

Its like wolfie decided to bring along a twin. As if one of the fuckers isn't hard enough to deal with.

Man I'm cranky. I'm on full sober treat alert today.

She's with me a lot, I get her, she's been my rock for so many things but this isn't one of them.

She's here for two days (initially it was one, now its two which also pissed me off). I'm her escape from her mad as a bag of squirrels balls in a sack, family. I get that.

Next week we go on holiday as a party for a week, she's announced she's arriving early Thurs, we fly on Sat. Given the weather I guess this is sort of sensible, at least to arrive on Friday. So next week we'll have the same challenges and a holiday on top. So next week I've got this for close on to 11 days minimum.

This holiday, was of course all arranged pre-sober.

The change is me not her. I know that. I just don't know how to move forward somehow, sanely without a fall out. She needs me. And, here I am bitching.

Can you have eternal sober PMS? I seem to have a bad dose of it.

All I know is that rather than being angry I should be grateful I have friends who want to be in my company.

And be grateful I didn't drink.

That and playing it forward. I'd have probably drunk the half bottle, then drove and got more, or something like that. Today could have been so much messier.

So I'm trying not to be so Sober PMS'y and be grateful.

I should be grateful for kind friends and sobriety.

And I just need to get through tonight. And, himself has invited his mother tonight, because you know one person to stay with an evil-cranky-sober-hell-bitch, is never enough.

Life jacket anyone?

Day 78 - Festive planning.

Hey its Monday. Hope that's going well for you. So last night we took the bull by the horns and got some of the festive decks out. I like to think that even with 8 people here over the next week, I'm going to keep my sober cool. 

Remind me I said that.

I've my bestest booziest friend coming to stay, well one of them, I have a few. And, its going to be difficult she's also bringing her entire family with her, including another big time boozer. I've primed her to know that I'm not drinking right now. I have my own reasons and I've shared as much as I'm comfy with.  I'm not really very comfortable with drink being here, but I got told in no uncertain terms, we have to drink when we're here. We can't not drink (the we is the visitors not me). Yes, I could have cancelled. But like so many things this has been arranged BS (before sober) and whilst I am nervous, I'd feel even shittier if we cancelled. We've all had a lot of family stuff go on this year, a lot of changes and despite the plonk, I'd really not like to let them/us down. So whilst I feel like a shit friend for not wanting anyone in particular to be here, I've not cancelled and that's my responsibility.

Remind me I said that.

So in with the festive planning I've done a shed load of shopping for so many different types of posh juice. We've even corked fizzy apple for the table on Xmas day. So my sober slurping is sorted out. I've got wee can's of mocktails (I know I can make them, but this is first aid mocktails) for when the witching hour strikes and we decide its time for a wee slurp. I've no-alochol wine (rose) as well. Some might think this is cheating, but, I don't its quite nice and the two drinkers are on red or white, so there's not a cats chance in hell that this stuff will get muddled up. I chose pink for a reason. We've also lots of treats and nibbles in, lots of nuts and bits and bobs. And if all else fails I'll gorge on rice cakes. They fill me up nicely like a bean bag.

I know that being sober means I can escape the madness in the car and there's no limit to that. I can walk the dogs after meals, before meals or just sit in the car at the end of the lane with a mars bar and the radio on. I can escape, but living in the middle of nowhere means I need to be sober to do this. So being sober and my sober car, is important to keep safe for escaping. I mean where would batman be without the bat mobile.

We've also two kids coming of teenage years, so I've looked out a shed load of dvd's, games and the Wii so we can have a bit of a giggle whilst the adults get sloshed. I've also created a few sitting spots around the house. I've not bought one bottle of wine, and I'm determined I wont. I've told them to bring their own, not very festive of me but quite honestly I don't care. I've spent all my money on juice, flowers and bubble bath. I'm determined not to get stressed. As essentially xmas dinner is a roast dinner with presents, what's to stress about that (aside the people)?

With 8 bodies in this wee cottage a bit of planning has been required. Initially I was going to put us on a sofa bed nearest the kitchen, but having had a good virtual sober slap from Belle, I'm keeping my bedroom. I need a calm cosy sanctuary, a sober cave to run to. And here's where I need your help. I've upped the treats and the sober slurps in the kitchen. What do I need in my sober cave?

So far I've replenshed the flowers with a huge bunch of lilies from my son. I've got the bedding ready, my favourite and my favourite cover. I'm hiding my favourite towel in here. I think I might blow a gasket if I see my friends dad all fluffed up and wearing my sober towel. So that's in here too. I've a couple magazines, my phone charger, my ipad and charger. I was going to download a kindle app and put some books on there I've been wanting to read like Mrs D goes without. I've rescue remedy if needed, I've bubble bath for escape baths, we do have a spare telly I might bring that through although I hate tv's in bedrooms. I've even downloaded an app which lets me text from the house, as we've no signal here. So a sober text can even save the day. I'm keeping Living Sober and sober blogs loaded and will listen to Belle's sober podcasts. Hmmm,

What else could I need in my sober cave? Any clues? 

Escape tools - car keys, dogs for walking, books, podcasts, baths, bed, magazines, quiet sober cave, sober slurpy juice, mocktails, rescue remedy, ipad, kindle, sober pals to text or call.

What's in your sober arsenal over xmas? Please do let me know. Whilst I'm on Day 80 tomorrow, Day 83 on xmas day, I'm really dreading this. I know I could have cancelled but even if I did we'd likely have ended up doing something with someone else out of my control. Better the devil you know, eh?

Day 52 - My sober car

Avoid overload.

So yesterday I got stopped by the police doing  winter checks and reminding folks about our change in drink driving laws. From the 5th December in Scotland our limits are reduced down to 50 mg of alcohol per 100ml blood, more about that here. I was also asked if I'd been drinking the night before and asked if I minded to do a breathiliser test. It was negative. 53 days ago, I don't quite know that might have turned out if tested in the morning. A stark reminder of a different life. OK so I'm in very early shoogly peg (wobbly) recovery, but I'm grateful I'm here. And, as it turns out aside a slightly worn back tyre, my car is road worthy for winter. 

It got me thinking though about being sober right now and how it changes things. And, it got me thinking about drinking and how that went too.  My little car was on the road like any other when I was drinking. Aside from it looking like it needs a wash (still does) no one could tell how it was on the inside. Just like me. It functioned quite well, but don't look too closely and see the chaos. It got me to work, the kids to lessons, functions, events, it picked up the shopping, it went to walk the dogs. It functioned. And quite well at that. It held down two jobs, it studied and it also made a mean organic dinner, often grown from scratch. It was an all singing, all dancing, don't look too close or you might see the sellotape holding it altogether kinda life. 

The inside of my car was and still is a mess. There's paperwork in pockets and underseats. Things I've not dealt with. I hide things rather than deal with them. Which, having read Prim's post yesterday here, I realised you have to work at these things to make them slowly go down. I'm a head in the sand kind of girl, I need to slowly start working on that as it does overwhelm me. Anyway back to this car. So its a little dusty and untidy. There are shopping bags in the boot half full of random stuff from the last time it was hastily tidied out. Some days its like carnage in there, chaos. Other days if I take some time its tidier and I find things I thought I'd lost (or hidden) like my tax return. Unposted. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. 

I remind myself gently that yes, I'm an idiot, but I'm changing slowly. I also remind myself entropy is the second law of thermodymamics, everything reverts to its natural chaotic state. That's surely true of my car. But, its functional, it works, it  gets me from place to place. But only just, its badly needing some love.

My sober car is alot like myself, a person who drank to much. You (generally) turn up just in the nick of time, often under-prepared (or just done enough), on the surface you're clean and tidy, the kids are fed and watered, school work is done, life happens. You do walks, and cook tea and bath them, nag them about their homework, Your hair is brushed hasitly, earrings are in. ON the surface, you look largely like everyone else in the supermarket/office/life. But, underneath it all is the daily struggle to just live, the chaos of a late night drinking or an early morning trying to get rid of the evidence. Sleeping badly, waking with a headache, just getting through until you can open the wine again and it all starts again the next day, you get up, get the kids sorted, you go to work often really hungover, you make it through each day holding on with your fingernails. A bit like Lucy's post suggests here.

Chaos abounds in my life, but its comfortably hidden under 'coping'. Its only now, a month in from taking multi-vitamins, a month in from eating proper breakfast, a month in from picking my sober self off the sofa bed where I'd been hiding all day in bed, reading sober stuff. A month of actually caring about myself and not just functioning. I see the cut corners, the chaos, the list of endless things started and not quite finished because I'd opened some wine.

Let me tell you 52 days into being sober, I've only had the urge to clean ONCE, my house is not clean, in fact its tidy but needs a good go over with the hoover. Hey ho, I guess a sort out is long over due. Not just in my car but in my life. Rather than just functioning, I think its time to start working on finishinig those million wee things I've started. But, slowly. Overwhelm is not my friend right now.

I think to be fair, having had the shame of the boot being opened and a myriad of 'stuff and clutter' shoved in the boot rootled through to get to my spare tyre. Yes officer can you hold, one dozen egg boxes (given to me in July), a pair of wellies, sorry two pairs, yes they are sandy aren't they, a garden fork, axe, gloves, 10 lumps of drift wood, a muddly jumper, a sandy towel, an umbrella and a not quite black yet banana, yes I think you'll find my spare car tyre under that lot. No kitchen sink today, but just about everything else and quite a lot of stuff I'd lost. 

'You might want to think about sorting this lot out, what if you get a puncture late at night' says the friendly cop. I don't get a ticket, just told about the new driving limits from 5th Dec, which I'm proud to say I knew already. 

I drive off in my slightly shabby, needing a wash car, just like everyone else. Its functional, but I think its about time I gave it a bit of a sort out and some TLC. A bit like me. Slowly does it eh. Avoiding overload at all costs.

Oh and I must get some multivitamins, for me, not the car silly.

Day 52 and the man I share my life with also returns tonight.

Sober wife, didn't go on a bender whilst he was away. She's lost 3 lbs.

Sober mum, touching base anytime they wish (or not!).

Sober girl, enjoyed some city time with her pal yesterday, out of her sober nest. And, that was OK.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

Day 38 - Overwhelm and getting things done.

My sober bed

So rather than write at night when the mood can be skewed by the cravings for alcohol, I thought today I'd write early. Actually so early, I'm still in bed. Actually I'm in my new 'sober bed' this was my first 'big' treat for being sober a month. So, as I got restless last night, nothing much settling me in the empty house, I built it. And, made it up and moved right in. I had a brilliant sleep, thanks for asking!

As part of changing my daily drinking routine we literally swapped bedrooms from the main bedroom to the lounge's comfy and cosy sofa bed. We've been cosy in there since early October, my husband is more than a bit tolerant of my crazy wishes, so when I said, lets 'camp' in the lounge, it's cosy in there, he agreed.  I really needed to change my routine of drinking on the sofa every night. Drinking on the bed, or in bed, whilst I've done it, not so cool. And, it worked a wee tweak to my routine, I swapped hot chocolate for wine. Its been a sober month while now camping in the lounge. But, it was only temporary. I've been hankering after a quieter space, he's a TV on to sleep kind of person and I am not. So I need a quiet space to hide in.

With my husband away this week, I'd left building the bed until he'd gone to give me lots to do. He's not much of a DIY'r and I love pottering about. So I've enjoyed clearing the room myself and making up a bed, which was straightforward. Just as well. I know that I'm not good with overwhelm, for me its a real trigger into unworthiness and self loathing which leads to drinking. 

Not last night, I thought about the task at hand and limited what I'd promise myself I would do. I didn't build the bed in the master bedroom, it would have been just too much to take down one bed and move it and swap things about. For a while now, I've been hankering after the spare room and sub-conciously I think I bought my sober bed for this room. It doesn't overlook the village streets, Its quiet and private, it overlooks the garden. It feels safer and more private in here. I like this space.

Its a nice space. So I've folded up the sofa bed for now, moved myself into my new uncluttered space with the new bed, my sober bed. 

Its calm and quiet. 

I like it. 

I need to work on making other parts of my life this quiet and uncluttered. And, to get things done, quietly and slowly without overwhelm.

Not just a sober bed, a sober thinking bed at that. A really good nights sleep. Really good.

Well that's me, time for breakfast I think. Have a great day whatever you're up to. And, yes breakfast is a part of my new sober thing, with the vitamins and the baths. Small changes, big impact. 

PS Oh and the chocolate thing seems to have vanished as quickly as it came. Life is funny. My eating chocolate freaked my husband out more than my saying I was giving up the wine for a bit.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

Day 37 The sober alpacas

A walk home in the sunshine with the dogs to the tiniest village in the universe. A real sober treat.

So today's been a weird one. Out of normal routine, so I've embraced it, change is good.

Husband to airport in the city he's away for work, onwards to dropping my daughters car off and a normal 'mum' uni food parcel. Home on the train, via family to talk about a 'strategy' to get some family members back on track. Home, sunshine and a good walk to get the muscles moving with the dogs. A chat to the alpacas. Yes, alpacas, they have them at the local farm, who knows why, crazy looking things. So we take a walk back to the house in sunshine, go out in the garden and I measured and marked out the veg patch as my railway sleepers arrive tomorrow. All good. Cold and clear day enjoyed being out in it. A good day. Full of sober treats. Like alpacas.

But, a few things have been nagging at me.

This isn't how I'd planned this week. If I'm shamefully honest, I'd planned to get my normal wine and at least a bottle of spirits maybe two for this week, shut the door and just have a no-guilt-drinking fest all to myself. A party for one. Home alone.

Just me, just some spirits, mine for whenever I wanted. He isn't here, I can do what I want. I'm home alone after all. 

As I plotted and planned this week out months ago when I heard about his trip, I realised, slowly, but surely my drinking was getting worse. I'm planning to get shit-faced for a whole week whilst no one will know, no kids here, no husband here, no responsibilities so I plan to get rat-faced. I was really looking forward to it. That's kinda when, I knew I was getting worse planning a drinking week. I never have spirits in the house, I've learnt that I just gobble them and I can't do that now. So I hardly ever buy them. Its not safe for me too, I get drunk too quickly and I can't hide it as well as when I drink with wine. So I'd planned a 'spirits week' alone.

So, instead, here I am writing a sober blog. I'm day 37 sober, early days but its still 37 days. Instead of drinking, I'm keeping busy, I'm full of cauliflower cheese and chips (classy me, I'm gorging on food my husband doesn't like this week, whilst I've the kitchen to myself). I'm tired from walking and measuring out the garden. I need a bath. Actually I really CRAVE a bath, candles, bubbles, warmth and calm. And, I'm thinking about gin and alpacas. That's a crazy combo.

And, yet, part of my head is still saying, you've planned this drinking week for ages. Just go for it. No one will know, don't tell them. Its not their business. We planned this.

The other part of my head is saying don't be so fucking stupid. My stupidity is looming in my mind lots at the moment. I'm silly, I'm stupid, I'm daft, I'm broken, I'm an idiot, I'm a freak. That's why I drink. I'm not normal, a horrible person, a bad mother, that voice shouts all my inner fears. And, its deafening. Only wine blots it out. Wine and gin.

The problem is, aside the shouty head voices telling me I'm rubbish, I don't know why I drink. I think that's something that is really bothering me. WHY, why do I drink. I'm not sure it matters right now, but for longer term calmness is that something I need to work on? If I can find out can I fix it. Does it matter? Just don't drink. Not now. Not today.

I've read lots about 'why' people become addicted or abuse alcohol. Some of that fits for me. But, not all of it. I just don't understand why I've been slowly drinking myself into oblivion. Right now, I'm not sure I will ever understand. Does it matter?

Right now I all know is that I just can't drink. If I start, I don't know if I'll stop. I don't know if I'd ever want to stop if I start again. So I'd best not drink, not tonight. Not now.

So I'm keeping busy, annoying you lot. I'm talking to alpacas on my walk (yes really) and stomping about the garden like a mad woman. I'm full of food, full of juice and cosy and my muscles hurt.

I saw my daughter today, its still not easy with her. We use to be so close, but the past few years for one reason or another have found her distant and cold towards me, when the boys in the family notice, you really know something is up. It was pleasant but cold today for the 15 minutes I saw her. That was hard. Was it my drinking that pushed her away. How could I ever know. And, yet I torment myself with thinking about the changes between us.

A real trigger for me normally. Normally after I'd seen her, had the icy blast I'd be running off to find some wine, tearful and inward looking, blaming myself for being a crap mother. Not today, because today was a planned 'spirits drinking day/week'.

And right now, I can't go there. Not today.

So, instead full of food, I've pushed my work into this evening and written a list of chores as long as my arm. That should keep me busy this week. A bed to make, can I get it done this week????? And of course, I need a bath. I really NEED a bath.

Sober mum, she's growing up, just wish her heart would open up a bit and be warmer. Maybe in time.

Sober wife, chores planned instead of getting shit-faced, go me.

Sober girl, reaching out instead of shutting down, writing instead of hiding.  Shovelling in cauli-cheese and chips instead of gin.

Small changes. Baby steps. And of course alpacas. Thank god I met them when I was sober. Crazy looking things.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

Day 36 - The attack of the wine-snatchers

Firstly thanks so much for popping by, you really do make a difference, whilst I'm use to speaking to an empty room. Its always nice to know someone's around, reading. Even if you're thinking, just get on with it lady!

So part of this sober malarkey I'm learning seems to be that you do your own life, but just 'slightly' differently to keep yourself off the booze. So as part of this I've been having SO MANY sober baths. Like a billion. OK, maybe possibly around once a day I dive into the bath. Usually around wine-o-clock. The bath is a safe place for me, I never have understood drinking in the bath. I never have. Mind you I've never understood bathe-ing in the evenings, never, as it use to interfere with my wine time. Nothing interferes with wine-time.

Normally (and I'm reminding myself that 'sober' isn't normal for me) I hot foot it to the wine early evening and switch off the rest of my life. And, after that first glass, nothing can wrench my hand off the glass or my focus from the bottle, so my evenings never involved having a bath. Mostly, it didn't involved getting undressed either, as I slumped into the sofa and snoozed my life away every night. So I was always a 'shower in the morning' with a hangover kinda gal. I needed to be, I needed to mask the smell of wine I guess without a morning shower I might have reeked of Merlot. 

Anyway that was the old routine and this bathing in the evening thing, is the new SOBER routine. So each night off I pop with my scrubby, my favourite candle and I just relax. I wait out the wine-singing that overcomes my lugs. I fill them full of soap and I rest and I scrub. Let me tell you I'm like a shiny wee pin at the moment.  I don't think I've ever been so clean, or my hair so well looked after. I've long hair so a bath is also a 'barrier' to leaving the house and buying wine, I don't own a hairdryer. A soggy mop of hair in the dreich Scottish climate isn't fun to go out with, even for wine.

Now, let me tell you, I'll get back to the point, I'm naturally chubby, I'm a wee thing too. But, when did the wine-snatchers come along and steal my body? Even in flickery-romantic-ambient candle light glow of my sober bath, there's no denying I'm a paunchy wee thing now. I look, if I'm honest 4-5 months pregnant. I took a test, I'm not. No amount of sucking my stomach in helped. The scales revealed an extra 2 stone from my 'normal' weight. They say you put on weight when you get older, but this is belly-booze-fat my middle has expanded. And some. I'm almost as wide as I am tall now. Like, really. I fear for doorways.

My bottom lip (on my face, not the lip of my ever increasing arse) started to wobble. I'm' crying a lot at the moment, I'm getting use to that. But, when did I stop caring about me? At what point did I sit on that sofa drinking wine, stuffing snacks in to prepare for the next glassful, when did I just say 'Fuck it, I don't care'.  When did I let the wine-snatchers take so much from my daily life, and give me back a sore head and oodles of belly flubber?

I hate the wine-snatchers, they stole my money, my time and I've finally notice, my body and left me with a booze-belly for good measure. I'm a natural 'apple' shape, right now I look like an overstuffed baked apple, bursting out the sides. My BMI is 26.8, last year is was 23.7 the year before less than that. I'm slowly expanding. I'd heard that wine puts the beef on, but man, its quick. Or maybe it just seems quick as I drank my days away.

I guess, changing the routine has helped to open my eyes, as well as keeping me off the booze. I'm grateful for that and all the folks who suggested I shook things up.

Fear not dear hearts, I'm not about to start a crash diet and put myself under any more stress than I can handle at the moment. I'm taking each day as I can, I know its all I can do. But, I think its about time I started to look after myself a bit better. Somewhere down the bottle I lost sight of myself and let the wine-snatchers take so much more than just my time and money. As long as I didn't stink of booze in the mornings at work I never use to care. I never cared about me, never really have for as long as I can remember.

If I learn anything about being sober, its that I need to take care of me. That's my job.

That one came as a bit of a shock. As did the calories in wine (600-750 a bottle)  and beer. Yikes.

I need to take care of me. I need to remember that. Only my sober head hears that. The wine-snatchers can bugger off, I need my body back.

And, for today my sober day....

Sober girl - long walk with the dogs on the beach, no hangover. I designed my garden today.
Sober wife - we had a 'date' on Friday night. We went to the cinema, no pouting from me for my routine being disrupted. Food after, no wine, no need for it. Nice.
Sober mum - proof read an assessment for the man-child and arranged to drop daughters car off. I'm engaged.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

Day 34 - Bottle of wine a nighter's club

I know a lot of people like me. In fact, most of the women I know are like me. The bottle-of-wine-a-night'ers. Grab a bottle when on the way home from work, cos, you know wine doesn't KEEP. Open it as take your jacket off, grab a glass pour some wine and then on with the dinner. I cook most days, mostly from scratch its nutritious for my family to eat heathly food around the table, or sometimes if we're all naughty in front of the TV. But, that's a treat. I look after my family. I always did. Then I open the wine and I look after me. By the way if we've company there's one bottle for me, one for the guests (cos of course we're not alkies) and hopefully they'll bring some. But MY secret wine, stays a secret. Its my medicine, my coping mechanism they aint getting that.

When the kids were little they got in a bit earlier, we did homework, had an early dinner and then out came the wine, sometimes before bath time, mostly after. Sometimes before bed-time, mostly after. They got older, sometimes I drank in front of them but not often. But, a glass or two of wine after dinner and watching some TV, at home, or at a friends house, that's pretty normal right? A bottle or so would always disappear.

I like many of my friends drank every day. Its only wine right? Its what everyone I know does, we drink wine. When I met my (third) husband, he was surprised at the 'in the house' drinking. Its not part of his social culture, yup he could drink 10 pints in the pub, but drink at home, never. I was wondering if it was a 'lady' thing, I'm not trying to be sexist, just curious. I remember I told him, all my friends do to, if we didn't drink at home, where on earth would we, kids need so much, friends to see, practices, football club, netball club, cello lessons, concerts, PTA, guides, brownies, band practice. You name it, we do it. We bake, we sew, we nurture, we grow food, we huff and puff on bikes around the park and that's often after a full days work. So later on when the little darlings have been tucked up in their pj's we pull out the chardonnay and chink-chink ourselves for getting through another day.

I tell you what this being modern parent is fab, don't get me wrong but sometimes its bloody exhausting and draining. Does all this charging about like a lunatic do much for our kids. Well both of mine are shuffled off to university as 'rounded' human beings. Would that have been any different without all the clubs/ferrying-to-and-fro/playdates/home cooked meals? Or would they have been any different if I didn't drink?

Maybe who knows, I can't know now. Don't get me wrong I'm not moaning I love my kids, they were planned and I'm there for them whatever the next adventure whether its a punk band or late night pick ups, in fact so much I even stayed off wine the night that the Harry Potter last book was released to go and join the queues and get it at midnight. (and yes of course I drank after, but I stayed off the wine til gone midnight goddamit, I'm that good a parent, I even took my pal and her kids too....) But, even with parenting for Scotland, as many of my chums do, do we just expect too much of ourselves? Is that the bottom line.

Was it as hard for our own mothers? We never had alcohol in the house when we were growing up, just wasnt' part of the culture, you went to the local 'social' club when you wanted a drink and that was at the weekends.

Of course loads has been written about 'mothers little helper' in the 60-70's when Valium was one of the most prescribed drugs for women to cope with the pressures of family life. 

Different era, different drug? 

Then again maybe we didn't have booze in the house cos my father was an alcoholic? I don't think I ever saw my Mum drink until she got re-married. She still doesn't have alcohol in the house.

A while back, my brother came up to stay for a while. My family are serious coffee heads they drink around 7-10 cups a day, two sugars and milk. When he came to stay I was still  in my 'normal' drinking phase. It surprised him I drank in the evening at home. It surprised him that I drank every day and then got up and did the whole kid/school/work/life thing. He said he'd never hack it. 

I told him he was a wimp, as you do, he's my little brother. All my friends do it, its just normal I told him. Its the first time I remember thinking, hmm, I don't want him to see my drinking and disapprove, I started drinking my wine from a tea mug. You know, just so I'd look like I was a bit more normal when he was about. I also started buying only one bottle, I was moderating, or at least my version of it and boy did that make me grumpy. I always wanted more. 

In reality most of my RL friends drink, many as much as me, a few maybe only at the weekends, I'm not in their houses, I don't see their non-social lives. I told a drugs/alcohol counsel team today I drank at least a bottle of wine a day, sometimes two, for most of the past 20 years (3 years off for kids I guess). She seemed surprised, she didn't judge. I told her its just what all my friends did. It was our 'off switch', our coping strategy. It was just normal. Or maybe I just surrounded myself more with folks with a decently stocked wine shelf in the fridge?

Seemingly there's a trend in women in their forties which Lucy at 'A hangover free life' has talked about today. Its an interesting read.  The initial report author cites 'laddette' behaviour increased drinking in early twenties/thirties as a potential cause of the trend in women. I guess it might be that but is part of it also the 'mothers little helper' syndrome, pressured female lives, bringing in the bacon and cooking a delicious meal for it for the family between full on play-dates/meetings/brain expansion of our kids through modern activities?

I haven't a clue, with or without kids would I have drunk, who can tell. I just know that whether I drink or not, whether my friends do or not. I just know when it comes to alcohol and the limited dalliance I've had with Vallium, I have a broken off switch. I just don't know when to stop.

As to Lucy's question - is the rise in drunk driving incidents or increased positive breath tests  for women in the UK due to increased tolerance to drink? Most women talked to drank at home or in their friends homes. Just like me. Just like my friends. Like Lucy I've never been stopped for drunk driving, have I been over limit in the early mornings, probably. 

Lucy  says. 'Are these women over the limit because they have a higher tolerance to booze as they have been drinking for a larger part of their adult life and therefore underestimate the amount they are drinking because they don’t feel drunk therefore putting them over?'

I think probably. What do you think? Why not pop over and tell her? One of the strangest things I remember from my pal being here recently is that she had around 12 units (of course I was counting I wanted to drink too but couldn't) and she seemed so normal. She drove home the next day 300 miles. Was she over the limit? She didn't leave til later, she never does leave early, maybe she wasn't by the time she left. I'm not judging at all, just wonder how normal 12 unit a day became in my body/life.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.