Day 123, The cycle of change

So yesterday was day 123 according to Mrs D's fabulous site Living Sober. Its got a wee orange box which you can plonk you last drinking day in and as if by magic your sober day number appears. Its fabulous as are all the folks on there. Its a god send when feeling the need for inspiration, support or a good old moan, someone's always around with a smile and a kind word. She's also got  a fabby blog located here, which inspired her book. Which is the sober treat for getting to a whole 4 months without binging on wine. 

Rather timidly I've been counting the days for my sober. I've never really thought of it in any other way. But, 123 days on the counter also equates to 4 months exactly since I gave up getting hammered most nights. Its hardly something I can comprehend. And, at my SMART meeting yesterday, I found myself saying at our 'check in',  'I think I might be 4 months today', which was a real eyeopener for me. Four months. Blimey. We also looked at the cycle of change at the meeting yesterday and how we can find ourselves in steps through it.

Around the room we were all at different stages. I know I'm in step 5 at the moment, 'maintenance' but I was in the stages before that for a good 8-10 years of my life. Only managing one day or so at a time sober, relapsing, thinking about stopping, managing a day. Just trying harder each time, instead of trying different. Trying something different worked for me. Finding the sober community, reaching out, writing, treats, self care. Its amazing how trying harder, so hard for so long, really did not help me at all. I really thought it would, it never did and I got more and more depressed and anxious trying harder. So I 'm on stage 5 hoping that I don't go to relapse and stay on maintenance for as long as I need, maybe forever, but I'm canny about the fact that I could easily lapse. 

Someone at our group yesterday said they just wanted to try harder this week and several of us said, not harder, you're trying so hard but why not try something different, what can you do different?  So they're going to try 'treats' this week and see if they can treat themselves to a few days sober. Fingers crossed eh? I'm really rooting for them and I also scribbled down Mrs D's site for some online support if they fancy it.

So I left the meeting yesterday, went for a walk as I always do and wrote my number in the sand and thought about how close I am to being sober more often in this new house more than I have been drinking. Wouldn't that be something - a mainly, largely, happy sober house. That's made me think alot. My only goal in this sober stuff, is to find happy, stay sober, find happy. I have a pretty lovely life, but I've yet to find inner happy. Its my only goal, to be happy. I'm happier not drinking I know that for sure, but I'm not sing from the top of the hills happy inside. So I'm working towards anything in sober-lands that can  make me happy.

No pressure Ms Happy, but if you can rock along anytime soon and make my inner glow, well, erm, glow with Happy I'd be delighted.

Stay sober, find happy. Its my new mantra.

So back to the sober house, we moved in on 30th May last year, so by my reckoning I've had 127 days really drinking and getting more and more depressed and more scared at the rate I was drinking in this house. And, I'm on 123 days as of yesterday, so by Sunday I will have reached the same amount sober, as drunk in this house. For me that's a huge milestone. Its something I know which will make me happy, knowing I'm working at being sober in this house, that I deserve this life. A new milestone for me, a house where I've been sober more than I've been drunk.

And we all know we like celebrating milestones don't we? They're the best treats ever, milestones, whether its one day or a week, or 10 days or every 5 in between. Every day sober is a step to being more free. Every single day sober we're nicer to ourselves.

And, speaking of nice. Since I've started to take multi-vitamins and omega oils (thanks for the recommendations folks) my moods have also stopped being so severe. 

I'd like to tell you I'm less puffy and fresh skinned but I'd be fibbing. Until I convince myself to get some exercise in too, I'm unlikely to lose any weight either. But, I do feel better inside myself, I promise. I'm still quite anxious, but I think that's just me and I need to find ways to manage that.

Without the booze, obviously.

Have a great day! 

Day 108 - Defrag-ing and homework

I've been sleeping. And, I mean sleeping. I get up and I want to sleep. Its like some kind of post illness deadness or fatigue that makes my body limp and my head unable to lift itself from the pillow very successfully. I'm not ill. But, I'm so tired. I'm wondering if I'm slowly defragmenting my old booze brain for a new streamlined sober one. Maybe eh? Maybe all the bits that have been mished up all over my brain are starting to realign. Well I hope so. It could just be that mid January blues/laziness that gets many of us.

We got set some homework for my group session tomorrow. Its got me all muddled up as well. Its quite a simple exercise you'd think. It goes like this.

1. What do you want for your future?
2. What am I doing now?
3. How do I feel about what I'm doing now?

What could I do differently to help me get what I want?
How would changing what I do or getting what I want make me feel?

Now I could say a killer job, or a new house but I've heavily drank in both of those. So I just don't know.

The only thing in my head is that I just want to be happy.

Just that.

Happy inside.

I could say closer to my family, but we're pretty close (my family, not my extended parental family).
I could say health, I'm pretty healthy and I know I'm lucky.
I could say love, but I have that surrounding me. I want that to be nutured so I know I have to work at that, but I know I'm lucky I have that now.

So I'm sitting here (yes under the duvet because I still seem to be defragging) wondering what on earth I can put in my homework boxes.

What do I want for my future aside to be sober? That's all I can think about right now. How do I see past this? Or don't I? Maybe its my path to happiness inside. Abstaining seems to be the way to keep that momentum up. And I feel life and thinking about it, I'm bloody tired about all of it right now.

Really tired. Dog tired.

I'm on a multi-vitamin, which ran out last week and I only got them again a few days ago. Is that the issue has my inner workings been sent slowly to sleep by my lack of vitamins? Or is being sober just hard work? It shouldn't be I've not really thought about wine for a couple of days.

Regarding happiness from the inside, I'd be interested to hear anything people would suggest giving a try. I'm thinking of going back to yoga, if I can get my sorry head off the pillow. I've been looking at my diet, (its not bad, if rather abundant!) and I'm looking at ways to get myself engaged with life again. Perhaps a wee job? A bit of exercise and some increasing sober experiences under my belt. Like the holiday next week. A sober holiday.

So what would you put for your homework?

1. What do you want for your future?
2. What am I doing now?
3. How do I feel about what I'm doing now?

What could I do differently to help me get what I want?
How would changing what I do or getting what I want make me feel?

For now I'm working on my brain defragmentation and hoping it doesn't take too long. I'm off to my therapy session soon.

I found this article on 12 exercises happy, successful people practice every day here.  Here's an extract from the article which has really resonated with me. As I seem to be spinning in circles, sober circles, but circles nevertheless.

From the link above by MARC CHERNOFF

12 Rituals Happy, Successful People Practice Every Day

No 12.  Ask yourself the right questions.

Voltaire once said, “Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.”  This is such sound advice, because if you keep asking yourself the wrong questions, you will never get an answer you like.

What questions are you asking yourself?  Are they helping you better understand your purpose?  Or do they have your mind spinning in circles?

Truth be told, the questions you’re regularly exposed to act as guideposts that have a powerful influence on the direction of your life.  And, not surprisingly, the questions you hear most often come directly from YOU.  So instead of looking outside yourself for answers, start asking yourself the right questions.  For instance…

• “Who am I?”
• “What do I need?”
• “How do I function best?”
• “What do I have to give?”
• “What’s the next step I can take right now?”

It’s all about self-inquiries that help you stay true to your principles, pursue your desires, grow through adversity, and add value to the world around you.  (Angel and I cover hundreds of important life questions as a theme that radiates through every chapter of our book, 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

Day 74 - The sober bridge

Firth of Forth road and rail bridges

So yesterday I was up with the larks and out the door before my eyes were awake. My husband drove to his work and I then carried on to my sons old flat which was needing emptied. Happy girl doing some family stuff even if he's over in sunny climes whilst I'm hot and dusty. Has given me a good chance to review the things he 'borrowed' for university and take a few things home. Well that will teach him won't it. I now have my favourite mug back, but not my favourite bed, well because I'm not that mean.

There is a big road bridge over the firth of Forth which I needed to cross in my journey. Now, there are two bridges actually one for road and one for rail. Each one I've used a million times. But what struck me in the sunrise strewn sky was the construction of the new road bridge beside the old one, its really coming on well. 

As I looked at it new and in process of being erected I wondered about the path I'm on today. This sober path. And, bear with me, remember it was really early so my brain was probably addled. So this new bridge crosses the river to Edinburgh in a similar place to the others. But, its slightly further up stream and in a slightly different position. Whilst I am very familiar with the other bridges, this bridge is new. It fulfills the same purpose getting me on my journey to the same destinations. I might only ever travel over this new bridge sober. 

New bridge in Forth of Firth being constructed to support future travel between the central belt and the north of  Scotland

Same destination, slightly different views. Still under construction. Is this bridge a potential mirror for my sobriety. 

Its taken a long time in the planning. Its foundations have taken a considerable amount of time. Its only now becoming really visible to the public. It still offers the same confidence and destination choices, but its newer, shinier and likely to stand the test of time a lot longer than the old bridge. More reliable maybe, better constructed and much more likely to last the distance.

Well that's what my sleep head was saying to me yesterday. Sober bridges indeed, what next eh!

I'm beginning to think that I think and work at sober harder than I did at drinking. Same topic (drinking), different perspective (sober), different thoughts (how to maintain abstinence and look after me).

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

Day 66 - Silence-o-clock

So I found myself accidentally 3/4 of the way up the wine aisle today at wine-o-clock after a long day driving and conference.  In my defence I was enroute for mutt food and took the short cut.

Surrounded by wine bottles, all silent. This is unusual. Normally the wine aisle sings, rants, bellows, shouts, jeers, claps, throws a noisy parade. But not today. Today it was totally silent.

It was nice. 

Just saying.

It was as silent as a meeting of introverts anonymous might be, as an introvert I can appreciate how quiet I would like that to be. 

Like the wine aisle today, I hope this new thing stays.

Silent wine. Who knew. I even checked if I was wearing these

But no. My ears were undefended. Silent wine.

PS Now I realise Wolfie is cunning and is hiding near, silent and sulky. But for today, I'm grateful for silent wine and silent Wolfie.