You'll excuse me from being lax at posting, having a new job means I'm settling into a routine which involved no access to communication for at least three days a week and then a kind of catching up of life which seems to inevitably happen. I'm sober and I'm happy. I've had the odd urge but nothing significant at all. This I think is progress surely. I'm happily sober. I'm available and I'm actually doing OK.
Its been a pretty normal, if chaotic week going from working one day to four each week. But, I am enjoying it and my days are settling down at work so I can plan. But, its left me at a crossroads with my counselling. I'm now working on my allocated addiction counselling day, so I either change days with someone new, or give it up. I can't decide what to do. In some ways starting again with someone is a positive thing, whilst I liked the lady I've been seeing, we didn't really gel. On the other hand, now I'm faced with either giving up my SMART meeting and seeing someone that day, or trying to find another time to see someone. Or just stopping. I just can't decide. Part of me thinks that the digging into things is too early, part of me thinks going over old rope from childhood isn't helpful. Then again I've always been avoid emotional pain at all costs, haven't I. Which is where the numbing and the drinking came in handy. So I'm at a bit of a cross roads with that particular brand of help. I realise its useful but just not sure what to do next. Ponder time here.
Something shifted in me at the weekend. I'm not sure what it was, but we had visitors which, whilst is not unusual, they brought wine for dinner. I'd mentioned previously not to bring any, but there you are. Something I have gotten from my counselling is that sometimes I feel I'm not seen. Or heard. Sometimes I actually think I'm the invisible sober girl.
But here's the thing. I didn't get mad. Well maybe a wee bit mad, for about a nano-second. And, due to careful sober planning I had loads of lovely juices and alcohol free fizz/wine/beer in the house so I just thought, stuff it. If you can't see or hear me, that's more to do with you that it is about me. You didn't listen. Or if you listened you thought I was mistaken. No, I really meant, please don't bring wine for dinner, we're having some sober time.
But, it seems I'm the invisible sober girl, here cooking your dinner, as you didn't listen. And, I will open your wine and even pour it for you with my invisible sober hands. Because you know what, I don't want it. Poison yourself why don't ya. I'm happy not drinking, in fact, and here's the shift. I know for a fact I'm not missing out. Not in the slightest.
Like I said, something has shifted. Happily sober. And that's a change I'm grateful for. I'm not whining (excuse the pun) about not having wine. I'm not missing out. Maybe I'm in pink cloud land, but right now, alcohol is not something I want. It doesn't enhance my life.
I'm also happy for my husband who noticed the wine and asked if I wanted him to say anything and move it away, or ask them to put it back in their car.
No, lovely man. I'm good. You know what, I'm not missing that shit. And thanks for seeing me. The sober me. I'm truly grateful for being seen, sober. Dinner ended nicely enough, Mr Me loudly enthused about not missing drinking at all, he's thinking of going tee-total he told them (to aghast open mouths). Fabulous chap that he is.
Week ended with a SMART meeting where we talked about life balance. Unsurprisingly we all need to work on having more fun in our fabulous sober lives.
So with that in mind I've given myself today totally off from work and everything and I'm working in my garden. I might go for a drive and a walk. Today is for me. Now that I'm working over weekends, I need to remember that time off at home, alone or otherwise, is essential. And my week days aren't solely for chores.
This statement seems totally luxurious and outrageous. There is tonnes to do. But, it will wait. Time for me. Scary as that is I know that taking care of me, is important. Taking care of others is important too, but today, they can wait. Just for a while.
Have a great sober day folks.
Day 159 nothing to see here aside a happy sober girl.