Change and cross roads

You'll excuse me from being lax at posting, having a new job means I'm settling into a routine which involved no access to communication for at least three days a week and then a kind of catching up of life which seems to inevitably happen. I'm sober and I'm happy. I've had the odd urge but nothing significant at all. This I think is progress surely. I'm happily sober. I'm available and I'm actually doing OK.

Its been a pretty normal, if chaotic week going from working one day to four each week. But, I am enjoying it and my days are settling down at work so I can plan. But, its left me at a crossroads with my counselling. I'm now working on my allocated addiction counselling day, so I either change days with someone new, or give it up. I can't decide what to do. In some ways starting again with someone is a positive thing, whilst I liked the lady I've been seeing, we didn't really gel. On the other hand, now I'm faced with either giving up my SMART meeting and seeing someone that day, or trying to find another time to see someone. Or just stopping. I just can't decide. Part of me thinks that the digging into things is too early, part of me thinks going over old rope from childhood isn't helpful. Then again I've always been avoid emotional pain at all costs, haven't I. Which is where the numbing and the drinking came in handy. So I'm at a bit of a cross roads with that particular brand of help. I realise its useful but just not sure what to do next. Ponder time here.

Something shifted in me at the weekend. I'm not sure what it was, but we had visitors which, whilst is not unusual, they brought wine for dinner. I'd mentioned previously not to bring any, but there you are. Something I have gotten from my counselling is that sometimes I feel I'm not seen. Or heard. Sometimes I actually think I'm the invisible sober girl.

But here's the thing. I didn't get mad. Well maybe a wee bit mad, for about a nano-second. And, due to careful sober planning I had loads of lovely juices and alcohol free fizz/wine/beer in the house so I just thought, stuff it. If you can't see or hear me, that's more to do with you that it is about me. You didn't listen. Or if you listened you thought I was mistaken. No, I really meant, please don't bring wine for dinner, we're having some sober time.

But, it seems I'm the invisible sober girl, here cooking your dinner, as you didn't listen. And, I will open your wine and even pour it for you with my invisible sober hands. Because you know what, I don't want it. Poison yourself why don't ya. I'm happy not drinking, in fact, and here's the shift. I know for a fact I'm not missing out. Not in the slightest.

Like I said, something has shifted. Happily sober. And that's a change I'm grateful for. I'm not whining (excuse the pun) about not having wine. I'm not missing out. Maybe I'm in pink cloud land, but right now, alcohol is not something I want. It doesn't enhance my life.

I'm also happy for my husband who noticed the wine and asked if I wanted him to say anything and move it away, or ask them to put it back in their car. 

No, lovely man. I'm good. You know what, I'm not missing that shit. And thanks for seeing me. The sober me. I'm truly grateful for being seen, sober. Dinner ended nicely enough, Mr Me loudly enthused about not missing drinking at all, he's thinking of going tee-total he told them (to aghast open mouths). Fabulous chap that he is.

Week ended with a SMART meeting where we talked about life balance. Unsurprisingly we all need to work on having more fun in our fabulous sober lives.

So with that in mind I've given myself today totally off from work and everything and I'm working in my garden. I might go for a drive and a walk. Today is for me. Now that I'm working over weekends, I need to remember that time off at home, alone or otherwise, is essential. And my week days aren't solely for chores. 

This statement seems totally luxurious and outrageous. There is tonnes to do. But, it will wait. Time for me. Scary as that is I know that taking care of me, is important. Taking care of others is important too, but today, they can wait. Just for a while.

Have a great sober day folks. 

Day 159 nothing to see here aside a happy sober girl.

My sober week

So here I am finally catching up on sober-life, I'm so sorry this is so late, but here we go and how I've missed you all, thank you so much for your kind comments so far I really appreciate it all. My sober week, last weekend, but the one past, I went to London and caught up with some other sober ladies and how exciting was that. We nattered for hours and whilst I was nervous, I was more excited than scared for once in my life. I've never been so happy to sit and honestly be me, ever before, not a bit of confusion as to how I am, and to talk about sober in my real life, was fabulous. As well as all the other things we talked about. And enjoyed a Beetini mocktail, out of a very swanky jam jar in a dry-restaurant called Redemption.

It was challenging being out of my comfort zone in a city I've only been to three times in my entire life. But, armed with a good bit of planning and some 'tube' training I managed quite nicely. I also took the time to visit a friend who was local and catch up with her and her husband, in person for once, rather than on the phone. So a great time. I'll write more about it, I'm sure later. My main message from all of this would be, if you get a chance to talk to sober people, DO IT. Meet up, talk, hug and exchange stories, its really helped to strengthen my resolve. And, so I went to London and looked after only me for the whole weekend, what a sober treat.

I landed home with a bang. So much going on but always time to take time for me, go and walk, think and contemplate. After my therapy session on Tuesday I found myself walking on the rocks of a beach, gently placing my foot from one to another, choosing my path, thinking about each step. It made me think of this sober journey and how each choice is like a stepping stone, not necessarily in a logical order, but working towards a better me. I like that. Of course I fell off a big rock, but hey what's life without a few falls.......makes us know we're alive. 

Wednesday I went to my group session and celebrated 130 days, a mixed week for many folks and whilst it was nice to share my successes it was also nice to share strategies for keeping sober, learning more about why urges strike and how to cope with them. Like waves, they come and go. And like my number, the sea washed it away too quickly. 

I'm grateful the next number I wrote was 131 the next day. But, it so easily could have been a new day one if I'm not careful and look after myself so I'm still really focussing on self care. From Wednesday the week sort of disappeared. I heard I got a new job and whilst they said start in March, I ended up starting the next day for an evening shift. Now, normally if I got told you need to work 3pm-10pm at an event, I'd be thinking of how to plan my wine drinking for after. This time I just thought, I'm available, I don't need to worry about driving or drinking or whatever. I'm just available. That's a huge change for me. Sober.

Ok so starting work at an evening event with burgers and hot cider beside me on my first day. Not so great. I mean the burgers smelt lovely and the hot cider all gingery and scrummy smelling. I found myself saying, and god knows why I did, I gave up drinking a while ago. feel so much better for it, so no thanks. 

And, yes I got offered it at work, yes folks got offered it who'd driven,  the drivers to be fair didnt' take any. Cursing the change in the law. But I told my first stranger, I don't drink. I worked at this event for three nights, by the fourth evening, the lady said, I'm so sorry I keep offerring, you but you don't drink do you.  No I said I don't. 

So I kept on doing my lines and writing plant labels, sober. It seems like a nice place to work with lots going on so I'm keen to do well and keep myself sober and happy. Nice to go to work without the obligatory painkillers in my lunch box, just in case.

Squeezing in walks and organising my work meals has been hard work this week, but I've remembered that if I don't look after me, it doesn't help me stay sober. And, there's so much to be sober for. Like a new job working with these cute flowers, like a better, happier me, I'm better sober. Spring is really on its way.

A friend saw my post about being offered buckfast (a tonic wine) on the train in December, so she sent me this card and a cute bag she found to say happy new job. Only in Scotland would Buckfast at Tiffany's mean something so different, and not unlikely! It made me laugh.

And last week of course, Valentines day arrived. No pink champagne here, just some flowers, a day of walking and lunches out.  The sun came out and it was very spring like, very warm and the beaches filled up a bit.

                But, we found a few empty spots. A day of hand holding and laughing with my husband. 

More chat about potentially leaving drinking to other people. A really close day which ended with a lovely supper of seafood and bread with a bottle of something cold and non-alcholic from the fridge, just because we can. And my poor fridge doesn't know what's hit it, such variety.

Have you noticed though, when the wine aisle loses its appeal, there's so much f**ing juice in the world and so much choice. I've been blind before I found sober. My current favourite is Beetroot, its gorgeous red hue luxuriously smears my glass with its glossy goodness. And its yummy too.

So I've a day of a bit of work, a bit of recovery SMART group and a few chores later. My sober week, this time has been a bit full, but its settling down. A new job to enjoy and a sober working girl. Who'd have thought it. Happy sober week folks.

Day 60 - domestic goddess, not.

Help yourself, we're celebrating new friends, life and love. Happiness.

So here I am in the messiest kitchen in the universe and I'm making brownies. I'm a dab hand at these, plenty experience from the time the kids were little and someone gave us the easiest recipe in the world and we've been whipping them up ever since. Sometimes for parties, sometimes for weekends, sometimes for weddings, sometimes just for those dark wet days when nothing quite hits the spot like the gooey dark rich chocolately monsters that are my friends perfect brownies. 

Now I'm thoughtful as I make these having just wrenched a fresh egg from under the chooks arse in the garden. Yes, we are on days like this a very messy domestic goddess, or at least from the outside world that's how we look. The lamb shanks are on the range bubbling away, rosemary, garlic and shallots all doing their thing in the very beautiful cast iron pot, the colour of aubergine (the pot not the shanks, well not yet anyway.).  Dogs are walked, hens are fed, laundry is folded. Kitchen still looks like a work in progress but hey, I'm an artist in here I tell myself.

So the brownies, I'm baking them today not for church, not for school, not for the kids, not for the rellies, I'm baking them for my recovery group. A way to celebrate quietly with other humans who know what its like to be clutched to the heart by behaviours that become so compelling that you just can't help yourself. So today I celebrate, and I am celebrating quietly in real life that I've not drunk any wine for 60 whole days.

Sixty Days no wine, and I am still able to breathe, who knew?

Why so quiet I hear you ask? Well, no one really knows what kind of a problem I had. No one knew, really, the extent of my drinking. No one knows I've stopped aside you lovely lot and one real life friend. One, and she's not taking it too well. But, lets hope she adjusts to this sober me. I hope so.

A while ago, possibly years, I knew that alcohol and I were not really friends. I drank more than I wanted. I embarrassed myself often, when one wee drink let to several, the paranoia the next morning was crippling, and yet I carried on. I've met friends for a quick drink and gone home rat-arsed on the train. For me the compulsion to drink until I feel quiet in my head, is overwhelming. I drink when I'm happy, I drink when I'm sad. I drink with friends, sure, but mostly I drink alone. Here at this kitchen table, I'd have a glass of wine at gone five, possibly six. No harm in that I hear you say. Well maybe if I left it at one drink, maybe no harm. Maybe if I didn't drink everyday, maybe no harm. But, for me one drink always leads to many more.  Hardly anyone knows except me, how much I drank. And, I don't exaggerate when I say a bottle of wine a night and some became more and more normal for me. Everyone does it I told myself. Everyone.

But, I'm finding out slowly but surely whilst my behaviour isn't abnormal, women of my age (46 3/4) can be prone to drinking after a busy day, stressful work, noisy but adorable kids, partner with spikey cactus pants on, lonely, overwhelmed, dealing with issues their poor brain just can't cope with.  Lots of people drink, some have issues like mine. I'm not alone. That was a surprise. Some people can drink a couple drinks and stop, I'm learning I can't. To the outside world, I appear normal, or slightly normal anyway. Domestic goddess (I think not), good mother, capable lady, happily married, just don't look right into my eyes, don't see the cracks in it all.

Living a 24/7  kind of life trying to be and do the best for everyone else, sometimes it seems, we get a bit lost. And, for a short while wine stops the chatter, dulls the problems, silences the issues we've hidden for so long. For a short while it works. But after a while, we need more and more. After a while, this 'mute button a the bottom of a bottle of Chardonnay' pushes back. It takes our sleep, it makes us anxious, raises our paranoia and leaves us feeling betrayed alone and yet the compulsion to drink more of it, is overwhelming.

And, so we try and stop. The wine bites back, we manage a day maybe two and then we find we've forgotten how hollow that 'mute' can be. We try again to drink, this time moderately. Quite frankly for me moderating is about as much use as a chocolate teapot. I just can't do it. Actually I'm now more frightened of moderating than I am of staying sober. Well at least for today. So for now, quietly from here, I hold out my chocolate brownie to you to say thank you for those who've supported me along this road so far.

So in my best Scottish accent (which isn't very good at all) I say to you all 'Mon, ben the hoose, come bide a while, sit doon, hay a sonsie wee seat, mon lets raise a wee cuppy to sixty days aff the fawing doon juice'.

[Come, through the house, stay a while, sit down, have a comfy seat. Come raise a cup of tea to sixty days off the wine'.

Thank you for the sober tools I've learnt from friends throughout the world, for a really unsavoury and yet calming introduction to Wolfie, that voice in my head that tells me I'm broken and useless and rubbish and if I have a glass of wine, I'll forget it all. Well isn't he a bag of shit. Who knew that wasn't really my best self looking after me? Thank you all for showing me, whilst its hard, there's more to life than escaping into a wine glass. Small steps but for today, we celebrate. With tea, obviously, not wine. Even if Wolfie tells us that celebrating being sober with a glass of wine is the right thing to do. Erm, no, he's wrong. Brownies all round I say. Thank you. I'm off to my meeting, brownies in hand, smiling at sixty days. I'm actually proud. 

Lamb shanks, garlic, rosemary, winter punch (not red wine) and veg. YUM it was too.

A wee quiet celebration tea later on, lamb shanks, my favourites. He'll ask what the occasion is, very decadent lamb shanks on a Wednesday. I'll just mumble, thought we could do with a treat, why not. He's noticed the reduction in my wine scoffing, but not the extent of the problem, still my secret.

Could I be you? Probably not, your kitchen is probably tidier, But I know right now, I'm no longer alone with that nagging voice in my head telling me that a glass of wine will solve everything. I'm learning it won't.

ETA Brownie recipe here. Thanks for asking.

Day 48 - Just say no

Just say no.....

Its late so I'll keep this short. Today's been a nice reflective day. I actually took a whole day off. I only looked at my work emails once, at 6pm. I've worked physically hard, looked after myself and made real headway in the garden. I walked the dogs and collected wood on the shore. And, I didn't give myself a hard time, I just enjoyed having a day to myself. Doing what I wanted to do. Sometimes its about giving yourself permission to enjoy life. If you know what I mean.

Right now, the past week I've seen a shift from desperately wanting wine to acknowledging that life without wine is different. I can truthfully say right now, I'm happier without it. I can truthfully say for now I don't miss it. Not today. I'm calmer without it.

I think going to the SMART sessions are helping me to make my sober journey more 'real'. I'm doing these actions in the neighbouring town to where I live. So now when I drive to the town, I'm thinking of the building where I do my sessions. Its my 'Sober Town'. 

I'm listening to Belle's podcasts throughout the day, and I seem to have slipped into a routine of listening to 'sober stuff' in the bath. Sorry podcasters, I hope you shut your eyes when you're talking!

I'm writing in my sober diary, here.

I'm reading sober blogs, everyday, for a while. I get testy if I don't. Thank you all so many of you made me laugh today and Happy 30 days to Bea!

I'm taking care of me. That's a first. Taking care of my sober life.

So when my friend checks again today if she can send wine up for the Xmas holidays to my home this weekend as there's an offer online and it will be easier, (for her), and its a bargain of course. Now, I'm glad I missed her call, I love her but she's not helping me move forward, The old me would have said yes drank most of the wine felt like shit and replaced it. NOT a bargain then, not a bargain now. I'll have to send her a message just like Mrs D suggested, sooner rather than later. And tell her nicely, no you can't send wine here early.

I don't want it in the house.

I don't want it in the shed.

Its NOT a bargain, its booze. Its expensive piss, its a headache, its gut rot. A bargain it is not.

I just don't want it here at all if I'm honest, so they can leave bringing it until they arrive in a months time. ARGH.

I want to scream, this is a sober house, I'm in my sober bubble. Are you trying to just test me. Because I know that the wine will sing to me from its box, regardless of where it is, if its near, I'll hear it. Like a bad pop song, it will turn into an ear worm, that I won't get rid of. We all know it will.

Dear Wolfie if this is a test, then its not funny. I don't need to stress about Xmas and the holidays in fecking November, nor my friendship.

I know this feels like a re-run of the other day, but, erm no sorry. This is a re-run of the other day when I said, no I'd really rather you didn't.

I found that piece of beach pottery a couple days ago. I realise it might have said ON but for me it said NO. NO is a good word for now. I need to set some boundaries with myself and others if this is going to work.

I might actually get it framed. I fear that word might need used a lot soon.

Sober mum, helping out the manchild and uni stresses.

Sober wife, digging up the garden with gusto. Photos to follow.

Sober girl, grateful for finding such support out there. Thank you all.

Day 46 - Why do I need an excuse for not drinking?

Hey how are you all this fine evening?

Warning, sober mini rant alert. [edited out - it just got boring in my head, its out know].

My friend today is working out excuses for me not drinking at the moment (again). Its really kind of her, but she was tying herself up in knots trying to fathom out a 'plan for me not drinking'. She's now on a mission. Its ALL we talk about. Xmas coming up, her coming to stay and what we (we) will tell people about my not drinking.

Her funniest one is we'll just pretend you're drinking, no one needs to know.

No, really I'm fine with 'I'm not drinking right now'.

Its no one else's business.

End of moaned out edit.

:D

Day 40 - Adding more sober tools

So on my 40th Sober Day, I started at a SMART session the local alcohol rehabilitation centre. I've been accepted into for some one to one therapy and it also offers these group sessions. Ever keen to get my 'sober tool box' well equipped, I thought it can't hurt. And, they had free coffee. Free coffee is good. Like anything I do when frightened, and I was scared, I arrived in the nick of time with seconds to spare, no time to think about anything but go. The whole 'live by the seat of your pants thing' works for me when I'm inclined to just slope off into my comfort zone. So I arrived 'just' in time no escape. 

So it was scary, not much sharing, but some 'checking in' (where are you now, how has your week been) and some examples of tools for coping with 'urges' [which always sounds like a sweaty word, urges] but you know what I mean.

And, also some discussion about that 'voice' in your head telling you to drink, how to cope with it and its bullshit. I think they called it 'unreasonable thoughts' but lets face it the voice talks rubbish like 'just have one drink' or ' no one will know' or 'you've earned it' or eventually if you're like me 'its Tuesday, you stepped in a puddle, its raining, you need a drink to cope'. You know THAT voice, the one Belle calls Wolfie, that wee voice saying you can reward yourself, console yourself or be happier 'with a drink'. 

Best advice for that voice? Tell it to shut up. It lies. Swear at it, drown it in the bath, wait it out. All good stuff, which by now I know works after a bit.

So going was interesting, its a small group. Its hosted by a recovering drinker, which was oddly comforting. Nearly five years sober and smiling. Like, really smiling. And, as far as I'm aware really happy, really happy. Others in the group were very nice and its all confidential but not as scary as I thought it might be. They didn't lie they told me it would be hard, but worth it. And they told me it would be safe and private and it was. Very.

I wasn't sure I would go, I don't have to, but right now, I need everything 'bib and braces' (belt and braces) I think my grandad use to say, like double bagging. Better to try it all then fail because on a lack of support. So I've added this to my sober tools. 

Not really so brave, as I'm new here. Like really new. I know no one out with my new home, only my husbands family live a half hour away. My own friends/family at least one hour.  So I feel safe in myself going to sessions, having been, I think I might well have been 'safe' going to one in my old life but I didn't feel safe, so I didn't go. I wasn't ready. I think it was a sober podcast or the bubble hour where someone talked about how much, like me they value the online sober community support (you're all stars!!). They did say too that engaging with folks in their area helped to and they were glad they'd done that so I was brave and I went.

I listened today to a person today saying that they managed to change by staying away from their friends. For now I think that's safer for me. Unless I'm driving. No one questions a person who's driving not drinking. I also got told to stay out of my 'drinking' place, well I drink at home so that's harder, but I've tried to change my routine a bit.

I also talked to my husband a bit on the phone about how sometimes (MONSTER under exaggeration here) I think I use wine as a bit of a switch off, a bit of an emotional support and I'd rather cope in other ways, with less wine. He's convinced I don't have a drinking problem, I'm never falling down drunk. [No lovely man, I just slip off the sofa, sozzled, pickled as a cucumber.] 

But I just said I'm happier right now, not drinking [sort of true, sort of not exactly true], but I'm emotional [very true], so I'd like someone to talk to. He's supportive and now in the loop that I'm starting some therapy.   He's said hes happy, if I'm happier not drinking then that's cool.  We're good.

That's all I've got to share with him right now, I hid my drinking big style. He knows I'm taking some time out. He's not counting, I am. 

That's enough for now. That's all I've got to share. I need to look after myself.

I hid so much of my drinking, the deceit and the lies, the excuses. Well, I'm done with them. 

But, this journey is MINE, and for me. Maybe I'll share it all one day with my family, I probably won't.  That's my choice. I'm a mum, whilst I have responsibility for myself, my relationship with drinking is private. So is my recovery. I'm quietly using the 'recovery' word, I know its early days, please don't scare it away. Its shy and a bit flibbertygibbertyish. I whisper when I say it, but I feel like I'm on my journey, even if I'm hiding it from my family. My choice.

Sometimes privacy is bittersweet. But, that's my choice.

So, a very quiet Happy 40 days to me, I'll sing to myself in the bath later.

Sober brave girl at a meeting. They told me to make a 'treat box' for myself today, you know I might just do that. A box just for me. I must think more about that.

Sober Mum, phoned both kids tonight for a chat. Told my daughter if she keeps standing me up on skype I'll send the dogs round for a good lick-to-death.  

Sober Wife, long lovely chat from his hotel room, with himself. Sober. Sober. Sober. Proper chat. I should hit 50 days before he's home. Maybe 55 I'm not sure exactly when he's back.

PS one of the tools suggested today was a 'sober diary', looks like you're stuck with me. Bad luck my diary is here to stay!

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you. Have a great day.