Thursday 6 August 2015

Loss

Inside I can feel myself drifting from all things sober. I know that I need to work at these things and still I arrange my newly up on my feet days of working around making sure I am efficient and getting plenty done.

I've even started to do some 'fly lady' to get the house in shape. I'm decluttering which is making me feel better but I think I'm trying to do this.

So I opened my sober email today and read the blogs I love so much and thought, hmm don't drift. I think I'm on day 98 or 306 minus one day  depending on where my head is.

My children are both now the other side of the planet. Yes we have skype, yes there's face-time and various internet related communication methods of which I am very glad of. However this doesn't stop their physical presence being near enough to scoop them up in my arms.

Loss, which I think is what I am feeling is blindingly hard. Being a single parent whilst filled which such responsibility and joy at being 'it' is also one of the lonelinest places I've ever been. And, given that we split up when the kids were 2 and 3 I guess I've been holidaying here for a long long time.

Should be use to it by now? It would seem not.

Instead of wallowing, which I assure you I am too, I seem to just be keeping super mega busy. I'm doing 40+ hours at work and whilst normally I'd be outside our wet summer means I'm more indoors.

You'd think I'd learn to read a book or something. I guess I really should actually get some of Brene Browns stuff rather than thinking of it. Although to be fair I did go into the local book shop and they hadn't heard of her.

Its also my mothers birthday. I've been having an on/off dialogue in my head about making an excuse to phone her.

What I really want to say is 'I really miss my kids' - what I probably should say is 'why do I feel like an orphan, mother'.

What I will more likely say if I get up the courage to phone is 'Happy Birthday Mum'.

And talk about nothing until its uncomfortable enough for both of us to just remind each other how busy we are and ring off.

Lots of loss today and this week in my head. I guess I'm starting to really deal with these feelings.

Its a bag of shite. If I'm honest.

I'm 47 and saying 'my mother doesn't get me'. It makes me angry that lack of any sort of emotional attachment we have/don't have.

I know that I've changed it for my kids, that's a big amazing bonus, we generally tick along quite nicely. They know they are loved. Even if I'm not sure that I've ever been (by her, not by my friends/life). Its so confusing. I want to be angry but all I feel is that I'm too odd to love or done something appalling.  Did I make it like this?

At least I'm not dulling the loss this year with the kids away and the awkward birthday wishes.

I'm proud I'm not drinking and that is a blessing, like I've said before just makes a bad situation worse.

I'm going to plan to do something nice later. There you are I said it.

Thank you for listening to this whine-a-thon!

Hugs and sober love. Have a great day.

15 comments:

  1. You must find another book shop. Brene is a regular on Oprah. And she has a new book coming out in a few weeks.
    But the gist of imperfection remains my favourite. Perhaps it's because she feels like she knows just how I feel. And that is always comforting.

    Take time for you. You deserve it.

    Anne

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    1. Thank you. I always find such comfort and wise things in your voice Anne.

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  2. Well you are writing here so that's grand! Trying to surf the crappy myself as you know and it makes us tired sometimes. Doing something nice for you is an excellent plan. Just keep not fucking drinking yes?!

    And I love Anne's 'gist of imperfection'. That's my life, right there! Have a huge hug from me. Xxxxx

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    1. All week Prim all I've heard is your voice saying 'Just keep not fucking drinking' - its sheer brilliance in its method of delivery and simplicity. Don't drink and lots of the crap just goes, some comes and annoys us but mainly, it goes eventually. Hugs and love my dear x

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  3. Dear Daisy,
    I am learning that life is about many losses.
    Drinking kept me stuck in the poor me part of the loss.
    I am so glad you are happy you are not drinking.
    It's a blessing indeed!
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. Dealing with the feeling of loss is gut wrenching but somehow actually acknowledging that it sucks and has for a long time is quite freeing. Hugs xx

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  4. Big hug gorgeous and you know where I am xx

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    1. Always there Lou, thank you for that and those links. xx

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  6. You are doing brilliantly Daisy. You are aware of how difficult your mum finds it to express her feelings. Even at our age we are still children where our parents are concerned, so it must hurt. But perhaps this is the only way she knows. And the important thing is you have not transferred this to your own mothering. And neither are you drinking to hide from the hurt. You have been an inspiration to so many of us. All the best to you x

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    1. Oh I don't feel like an inspiration but thank you for saying it. I hope inside she has a light of love in there. Its hard to know. I hope that for her and joy. Thank you x

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  7. "I'm proud I'm not drinking and that is a blessing, like I've said before just makes a bad situation worse."

    Well, that is a huge big thing to be proud of, Daisy, so good for you, and you deserve nice plans! I hope they worked out for you and you enjoyed yourself.
    Try to keep some part of your focus on sober things. It's too bloody easy to let that side of life slip, and then maybe we're left without the supports we need when we're feeling prone to relapse. Take care of yourself my dear. Do xxx

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    1. Do you're a star I know I need to keep the sober stuff front and central so I'm trying to build it into everyday life in a positive way. We did have fun, so much better for being sober. Take care of you too xxxx

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  8. I understand the feeling of being able to see loved ones but not hug them. My parents recently moved away and I miss the physical contact.

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    1. Hugs KB9 I am so sorry your folks have moved. We moved a lot as kids and I so missed my grandparents. Virtual hug to you xx

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