Thursday, 4 August 2016

Day 24 - Choosing life

I'm here and I'm living and I'm trying.
I'm so grateful to be here today. For not losing myself into the oblivion it would be so easy to seek. Sometimes they say, it can take a cataclysmic event to stop drinking even for a day or so. I've had lately, so many shares of my day 1's after days of attempting day 1's for sometimes what seems an eternity. Sometimes its something horrific we do or say that shocks us into the shame that sometimes it takes to stand back and actually stop. Whilst I've had my fair share of these, its amazing what wears off after a day or two and 'just the one' seems to be the most logical thing in the world. Well, it is for me.

We have had a rather tumultuous few weeks, month or so, even. Rather than sink into a bottle yesterday I asked my husband for support, asked for his company, made myself unable, even if I wanted to, buy any alcohol. Whilst my resolve is strong, my go to in any crisis is alcohol, I don't trust myself with any kind of drugs, but ironically, they are easier to avoid. We talked for a long time into the night about my anxiety, how it seems to totally grip and strangle me and often leads to me drinking to quiet the worry. He said he was grateful I was able to trust him.

Yesterday we said goodbye to a close family member, 364 days older than me, I'm 48. They were the subject of a horrific attack, and sadly died afterwards, in hospital, peacefully. Its taken weeks to get to the bottom of what happened, perhaps we never will but someone has been charged with culpable homicide. Another drugs and alcohol related death, was sadly reported, its victim far too young.

Its totally rocked me personally to the core. Selfishly, I also thought, what if that had been me?

My cousin lost his grandparents largely to alcohol, [me too]
his uncles and aunties to alcohol, [me too]
his parents to alcohol. [I've one left]
lost his job to alcohol, [not yet, but if I'm honest, its been close]
lost his core friendships to alcohol, [some, some I need to lose because of alcohol pressure]
lost his access own sweet family to alcohol, [not yet, I hope never]
lost himself to alcohol and latterly, it seems, mixing in circles thick with drugs. [not yet I hope never]

Some of his family and friends stuck by him, checking in when they could, often distancing themselves from harms way and the chaos. But, there for him. I guess I was one of them, but I guess I understand now more than most. I last spoke to him when he'd lost his job and life was on the up as he'd had a month and 5 days sober. Sadly it didn't last. I never heard from him again.

I stood yesterday with Simple Minds 'Don't you forget about me' blasting out of the speakers, saying goodbye, thinking how utterly selfishly grateful I am to be here and be on a sober, if erratic, journey at times.

I need to find this moment for grounding. For when the overwhelming urge to drink is just too much.

I need to remember to choose life. Be tenacious in my choices and choose living.

Maybe this is too much sharing. And, maybe it is. I need to live. Alcohol is claiming too many lives around me. And, yet wine, sometimes, spirits just seems so appealing to quiet those noises in my head. I need to empty this head I think.

I'm good today. Sober, lunch packed and ready to return to work. I had taken some time off, too fragile to deal with anything aside myself and sober living.

I've a plan to be solely with my husband later, to scupper any ability to buy alcohol, just in case.

The voice in my head tells me, when I allow it in, that I'm different and I can control things. I won't die like that. Like any of them, Reality would tell me, I'm not as different special as I might want to convince myself or think I am. Drinking is not a good idea for me, ever. Selfishly I want to live.

Excuse the overtly morbid post, I'm good today, but I need to keep grounded in stark reality for the moment. Day 30 is on its way, I just need to get there.

5 comments:

  1. Gosh, Daisy. Good to hear from you, but really sorry about all you are going through. The temptation to "numb out" in the early days, during times like this, can be very strong. Hang on in there, the intensity of your feelings will lessen, and you will be stronger for having got through difficult times, experiencing life 's difficult and sad times with real emotions. I certainly found that after a lifetime of using maladaptive coping mechanisms, it took a while to cope with down times.

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  2. I'm on day ten again Daisy and can so relate to your comments on alcohol making the anxiety seem less crucifying. I have no doubt in my mind that this is why I started drinking st 15 after struggling with ocd phobias and anxiety all my life. It made it go away briefly. I'm so sorry to hear about your cousin. I too want to choose life and am so much more stable and productive when I don't drink. I too am fortunate in having a supportive husband who will support me whatever I decide.
    Like you, having so many drinking friends is tricky but the true friends will stick with us whether we are drinking partners in crime or not?
    Take care

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  3. Daisy,
    I am very sorry to hear about your cousin.
    xo
    Wendy

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  4. hi my dear - just thinking of you and hoping you are keeping your chin above water? sending you love and sweetpeas today xxx

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  5. Choose life - the fantastic final eulogy from Ewan Macgregor in Trainspotting. A Scot in Scotland choosing to be different like you my dear. Big hugs xx

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