Sober balance

Just the quickest of quicks from me. I'm working extra these next two months, and have an interview next week. Lots of busy buttons being pushed. But, mindful I need to step back and say - hold on there, sober girl here, needing some space. I'm learning. Man its a slow process. Although I did say to one contract I'm working on, I can't start before 10am and I can't work on Saturdays, so at least I've a while each morning for me and a weekend day (at least one) for family life.

I'm trying to be a bit more open with my husband, so at least I can say I'm sorting one thing out on my sober to do list. And I'm reading lots of sober blogs on my phone, with not a hope of commenting, I found if I download them into email before I leave for work, I can at least read them in situ, which lets me read but not reply. Its a help though.

Finding sober balance isn't easy. My 'wolfie voice' seems now to appear during celebrations, when previous he kept is midderings to sad/angry and lonely times. I guess he's just keeping up with my life momentum. So I'm trying to make sure, when the voice slips in to say, 'wow that's amazing, have a drink, you deserve it', I try to hear instead, 'wow that's amazing why not posion yourself now with some booze'.

I guess that's me trying to reframe the voice in my head.

In the mean while my sober garden is taking lots of my early evening time which was often my 'witching hour'. I'm sitting right beside those bricks I took so long to lay and form my new area, in my sober garden.

And this week I managed to finish painting my fence, bit by bit, even the bits you couldn't see. I don't think its taught me patience, only that a wall, sometime in the future would need less fussing and do the same job. I NEED A WALL!!!!

Looking at bits of life which sap my energy, which aren't really much fun or use and how to make things easier for myself. I guess that's a lot like being sober. Time to start to think about how to make things easier for myself in all sorts of ways.

And, we ate a takeaway mid week amid the chaos, and to my amazement, no one died because I didn't cook everything that day from scratch. I also didn't hoover, again, no deaths here from dust inhalation. The kitchen is messy, the laundry sort of done. And, for now, that's just fine. The dogs have had one walk a day rather than three and their legs don't appear to be any longer either. They seem just fine. Everyone is just fine with average rather than ta-dah, I can do ALL OF THIS, I'm fecking amazing.

I'm learning the world doesn't collapse if I can't make it pretty and perfect. And, I'm still amazing!

Who knew. Certainly not me.

Happy Sober Day folks.

The Trap Door

The trap door, lets only the opinions you want in your life, in.

I drank in secret. Mainly I drank after hours, after dark or just 'after'. After the kids went to bed, after work on the way home when I was alone, after hours, after midnight sometimes, just after. Eventually I didn't like others seeing my drinking. On the outside, I guess mostly things looked OK. I could drive and not drink at all on a night out, as long as I had two bottles of wine or so to make sure I drank when home. Sometimes my drinking didn't start until well after midnight. Some days its started earlier, depending on how 'alone' I could be. On occasion my drinking crept in earlier and usually ended up in my coffee cup or my juice glass, but always on the whole it was hidden.

Which I guess mean the hangovers were hidden, or if not hangover, the 'next day shitty feeling of lethargy and oh god another day to get through-ness'. Repeat everyday for several years and repeat often. And, I overcompensated hugely. Cooking from scratch, delivery of children on several billion activities, attempting to hide everything and make life super-de-doopery perfect.

Mostly built on secrecy and lies and shame and drinking. Repeat everyday. Booze was my trap door to escape the hard stuff. Problem is it also let in a pile of other crap. It got so hard to close, eventually I learnt to live with its monsters, which wasn't fun.

Recovery, it seems doesn't work like this. Slowly we have to chip away at what we are, who we were and fathom a new way forward. Without the booze to hide behind.


And, let me tell you, as secret as you try and make your recovery, it seems sooner or later you bite yourself in the ass and realise whilst you don't have to share everything, some sharing is useful.

So like today I went to my group. A great session, fewer folks this week, but helpful. I'd also gone early as I've decided to sign up for a personalised recovery plan. Another sober tool. Essentially its a contract between me and myself, discussed by a sober coach with short, medium and longer term goals. A kind of sober 'to do' list.

I'm happy to share some of my goals for the next three months.

1 - Not Drink.
2 - Be more open with my partner. (GULP)
3 - Keep attending meetings.
4 - Look into other groups if work commitments change my schedule.
5 - More personal time, which I dictate, not others.
6 - Look into counselling which is right for me.
7 - More open with close friends about my recovery.
8 - Cull some of my social group which are dysfunctional/bad for me.
9 - More time with kids.
10 - Be nice to myself (I added here, in sub-text, and not talk to myself like I'm an idiot).

One of the reasons I think I need to work harder on my recovery, (aside from buying booze last week !!) is that I still have a very nice 'trap door' set up slap bang in the middle of my life.

My family and very specifically, my partner doesn't know how hard I'm trying to give up. I've really down played the whole giving up booze thing with the usual excuses. And, he certainly doesn't know the extent of my past drinking nor sometimes the extent of the internal battle I have with myself about drinking. Especially the 'just have one when you're out, its perfectly normal to drink'.

Like I say its like having a trap door, which I can drop through when I fancy. How I'm going to achieve this isn't quite apparent yet. I'm all for honestly, but, lets face it, those layers of why we drink aren't always easy to penetrate. So, as I gently peel away at them, there's a level of vulnerability that is raw and precious, needs protecting. And, I'm not really very happy or ready to lob myself at others mercy in real life. Part of this journey has revealed how much of my inner thinking and actual 'honest' life is closed to other folks, even those I care about. Self defence at its finest. If you can't let them in, no hurting here thank you.

So my first goal is not drinking, my second is to be a bit (and I caveat this with, a bit) more open with my partner. And start to nail my trap door shut, bit by bit. I've started this by telling him I was thinking of signing up for a three month kind of plan with my **coughs** anxiety group (which is what I call my recovery group). In that I told him I was thinking of writing in my 'contract to myself' I won't drink for 3 months, not even a glass. But, you hardly drink he told me, no biggie.

Well, that might be true for now, but lets work on that and keep it that way. Its a start on my road to sober honesty. Sort of, its a start. So, he finally knows that I'm actually working at not drinking for the next three months. No more trap doors.

And, trap doors, or escape hatches which lead to drinking excuses aren't useful. Well mostly.

I remind myself, I have small sober feet, which need to take small sober steps if they are to be sustained.

**Takes out a couple of nails and a hammer and heads towards my trap door**.



I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

The best thing I did.......

I'm beginning to realise that without you all I'd be goosed and it would be very cooked at that. And, the best thing I did, was to say I bought booze and not hide the fact that I did. I'd be hiding in Shame rather than sharing in Shame Club (thanks Lucy!!)

Hiding stuff isn't helpful.

Who knew.

I'm hardly Einstein really am I.

So I've listened and thought about your comments, thank you for those. I've also upped my sober stuff in real life by signing up for a 'three month' contract with myself offered by my recovery group. So I'll be doing a monthly one to one session with my five year sober mentor, setting myself some goals and really working on finding a bit of an even sober keel.

My world is becoming more and more sober.

I'm proud of this weekend. We've had family birthdays and lots of social stuff. Its all been sober.

Even dinner out, and that's progress. Only a fleeting flutter past the wine pages to the soft drinks.

Got home and even managed a post meal movie. Normally I would have been looking for the next bottle of wine. Not anymore.

I'm proud of that.

Here's where I'm at

So this week, I've had a lot of triggery moments. I'm not sure why. Here's the things I can identify.

Works a bit erratic.
Daughter left for NZ so I'm a bit 'eek its the other side of the planet'.
Son and Husband are both away. So I'm home alone. And I know I was stressing about that.
Went to a good 'fizz' chums for housewarming. Didn't stay, but it was triggery.
Mother-in-law arrived on Friday for tea and stayed until Sunday evening and WRECKED my 'alone time' with my husband.
Went out to a lovely dinner. Wanted wine. Had a mocktail.

I've actually bought booze three times this week.

Three times.

Before we go on, I've not drunk it. But, I've bought it.

I'm posting here for accountability. I'm not sure whats going on with me at the moment.

1 - Bought fizz for a chum in the M&S garage on the way to Glasgow. Bought an extra bottle of wine for me for coming home and getting 'through it' sober. Declined invite to stay even though its a two hour drive. Its just too triggery for me to stay over in Prosseco Central. She's lovely. Really lovely, bought me posh juice. Husband suggested I stay I said its a bit boozy. He said OK, get that, drive safe. Leave with MIL about to go home after spending an improptu night with us out of the blue after tea. In Glasgow, with chums.  Husband called to tell me that his Mum had decided to say an extra day after I left for my evening. He didn't go out as planned and instead of coming home at 1am to us both having some alone time, there's someone snoring in the spare room. Even though I'd arranged with my son that he'd give us some space. I was tempted to stay but went home.

Didn't drink the wine. Listened to Belle's audios. A friend texted (thank you). I almost texted some other sober friends (first time I've actually thought of reaching out when I'm mid-wolfie). Got into bed, slept well. Sent wine home with Mother in Law the next evening.

Believe me I don't know what's going on there.

2 - Bought a can of cocktail on the way to hotel on Monday night. Feeling a bit 'ooh I'm a bit nervous, I'm in a frock'. Husband meets me at hotel, he's off to a work thing abroad early the next day, hotel is a dress up lets have dinner and some us time treat.

Dump can in bin outside hotel, what was I thinking. Had a mocktail. Dodged wine at dinner, up at 4am. Feel very odd about this in the morning.

3 - Bought half a bottle of gin at 9.45pm. I'm home alone, I'd come home from work to an empty house and a f**k-it attitude. I helped a friend renovate her herbaceaous border after work, after a 4am start too, lol. And got home late, stayed in my own garden doing heavy digging all night wrestling with my will I, won't I. And found myself in the supermarket clutching a half bottle of gin on the only night I knew I had a late start the next day. I made dinner at gone 10pm and loaded up on gnocchi and creamy mushroom. Pull the bottle out of the freezer and dump it down the sink.

I don't want to drink. And yet I appear to be self-sabotaging.

So that's where I am today. I'm going to my meeting.

I'm a bit muddlesome about some family things. Work is a bit unsettled on several fronts. My neighbours are a bit in-my-face.

Whilst I'm sort of proud I've not drunk. I'm very nervous at the booze buying.


I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

When did the world get full of booze?

Great quote and a good link to more recovery stuff here.

I don't know about you, but when I'm doing something whether its parenting, walking, being pregnant, buying hats, I notice how many of these similar creatures/habits there are in the world. Maybe its that it gets in our brain? A predisposition to notice the things we're deeply thinking about on one level or another.

So, a decent enough week. There I said it, HA! A decent enough week with no booze. Who'd have thought that I'd confess that. OK, so its been busy but I've ramped a lot of 'doesn't need doing' right back. We have also talked about hiring a cleaner because lets face it, even faced with rain, I was out digging my garden rather than hoover yesterday. So things are settling a bit.

I read this and it made some sense/;

The message is: believe that you can, before believing that you can’t and you may find yourself farther along on your way toward the life you want to lead, rather than someone who focuses on the obstacles, justifying to themselves why they cannot do certain things. Link on the van above.
At our SMART meeting this week, there was a bit of chat about the fact that other drugs aren't on the shelves of the supermarket or featured to heavily in everyday 'normal' life the way booze was. Its everywhere that booze baddie.

I went to a cafe (sober treat) whilst waiting for my son doing his driving theory test a day or so ago and in this quirky little cafe I counted 4 different everyday items (some cakes) and oddly enough a sandwich with booze. It was a BLT, which they'd renamed a BMBLT (Bloody Mary Bacon Lettuce Tomato). I had to read it a few times, seems they roast the tomatoes after they douse them in vodka. OK so this might be a bit of a 'cheffy' thing to do, but really wouldn't olive oil impart a nice flavour too?

So, two vodka baked tomatoes aren't going to throw me off kilter but my point is really that booze shouldn't really be in my sandwich, nor my cake, nor my cheesecake thank you. I had the pate instead and delish it was. Even my local fish and chip shop has wine/beer in the fridge next to the salt and sauce. Seriously, its a chippy, a very nice chippy with sit down tables if you like, but its a chippy, what's with the Pinot? Before I would have lapped with us, literally. Look its OK to have wine with my chips, I mean, they sell it!! Now I just think its sad and sometimes a bit triggery.

Watching TV is a minefield, its all booze on the soaps and a lot of booze in mainstream TV. I mean Penny in Big Bang, whilst I use to love to watch her drinking wine from a gravy boat and think HA I'm not that bad, looking at it now I see one lady with a lot of booze and her friends around her trying to sometimes fit in with her 'normal'. She's a drinker that's for sure.

We eat out a lot in our house, that 'one' glass before dinner is often my downfall and it was on my birthday (THANK YOU WOLFIE YOU B*****RD). The first thing I do now is scan a menu for alcohol free versions or mocktails, nice juices and drinks. I'm often quite disappointed to see limited or no choices. A few places are starting to advertise the fact that with the change in our law they offer alternative drinks, which is heartening.

Whilst I use to immerse myself in the 'everyone drinks' culture of life, when you realise that not everyone drinks, they pop up all over the place, like sober superstars. Its a bit like a sub-culture emerging quietly in the background of life. Has it always been there? Almost certainly, I just had my booze goggles on.

Oh now I was going to tell you about my meeting. We did a fair bit of work on the attitudes of others towards our drinking. (Which can suck, lets be fair, as booze is everywhere and accepted as drug of choice right now). And, how regardless of how we feel, how much we keep things private, we don't make long-term changes in a vacuum. And change, like stopping drinking, can cause anxiety, which is OK, just be aware it might be there rather than surprise when it bites you on the arse to say hello. We also need to be aware that that anxiety can also manefest itself in our friends or family. They might see our choices as a reflection on theirs. A bit like my chum, feeling like I was poking her with a stick when I said no gin in my tonic. I wasn't actually thinking about how she was feeling, just about me and getting through a drink offer. My not drinking isn't a reflection on anyone else, but I am beginning to realise, whilst I'm doing it quietly, this stopping lark, it does quietly affect other parts of my life and sometimes, my friends.

There's a link to a paper here, I'm not sure what I think about it, some bits were useful for me to think about, others I didn't get along with. It talked about 'togetherness' which always reminds me of that silly advert.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

Not (sober) rocket science

Hey there, thank you for all the wonderful comments yesterday, as I came home from work, made the tea, did the driving instruction, emptied the salvaged wood from my car and stacked it, confronted the neighbour about parking at our gate (man that made me squirm), had a mini-row with my husband (about the gate parking and how I don't stand up for myself), dug the garden in a temper (again gate related fury), finished an application form and then ate tea.

Anyway after that madness, your comments were so weclomed. Thank you, like a gazillion.

I've also seriously upped the sober stuff. I really think I need to, the whiny voice in my head is at 'this is hard again', so there's care needed there. Lots of self care, lots of treats.

So I've gone to daily treats again. Not rocket science but it works.

Maybe a bit too much on the sober treat front?

I also bought nice alcohol free beer for later on.

We bought ice-cream when we were out too.

I planned my breakfast and my lunch.

I didn't get to my sober bath but almost.

I reached out to you all, thank you.

I think, if I'm honest the crazy madness in getting a house ready for survey and sale, has pushed buttons with me more than I'd imagined.

Having booze in the house, for the visitors and the kids, has pushed buttons with me. I thought I'd be OK with it and on one level I am. On another, I'm just not. Its not good for me.

The singing-booze-from-the-cupboards thing is still an issue. OK so I've not drunk any of it (go me) but its pushed the wolfie audio up in my head.

I have to keep working hard at sober, some of it is easier, some of it is not so much.

So whilst none of this is rocket science, maybe its sober science.

I'm planning today's treat as I write. Because this stuff is hard sometimes but its better. I also know that whilst I don't like it, I have to start to put up some sober boundaries and maybe be more honest with those around me about the changes I have to make to sustain this.

Fathers Day

Its funny how you can get through a day like yesterday and not be mad with booze. It destroyed my own family as a child and it took my Dad from me. He was 52 when he died, I'm five years away from there. Fathers day to me doesn't mean much. My Dad was a mean drunk to my Mum and drank relentlessly, supported by the culture around him. A squaddie in the army, social club on every base, he played the guitar and sang for his beers. And, let me tell you, he sang a lot.

Its been quite a triggery week here, more than I'd ever have expected. Full on job, full on house renovations, then cleaning like a beast to make it ready for selling. It seems like this past week has been relentless, but quite a 'normal' family one in most houses.

And, let me tell you its been so stressful, going to sleep thinking of how much time there is. Waking up wondering how to fit it all in. Trying to juggle kids, ask for help when we can, sort driving and some normality into all of this.

I've been so tempted by 'switch off juice', so tempted and that's with father who's gone because of it.

Relationships here have been easier than expected but not as great as they once were. I waved my daughter off late last week for 2 months or so, my eyes leaked substantially.  My heart felt like it was breaking again but I got home, had a bath, curled up on the sofa and just wept. My nest is partially empty again, she's home later this year, back to uni. I've had my 11 days for the summer break. Its not much but being a single parent means sharing with a new family. I just hope they appreciate her as much as I do.

My son is still here. That's a happy situation.

We managed to have some quality time, the three of us but its still not right. As much as I hope they never knew about my drinking, sometimes I can' only think, of course they were affected by it.

Who couldn't be.

I've missed my SMART meetings for the past week or is it two? Lifes just been too chaotic, no time. So I MUST attend this week or find time to go to something, I'm sorely missing my sober fixes.

But, the solicitor has been, the surveyor has been and that is moving now.

Time for more sober time. Belle's audio this week was about 'drifting' from sober support. As we slowly get back into more 'normal' life we can sometimes drift back into bad habits, not necessarily drinking initially but we lose the sober treats, we stop touching base, reaching out, we have no sober time, eventually, sometimes we drink.

So no more drift. The audio ran through my head like alarm bells.

Happy Fathers Day Dad, you silly silly bugger, I wish I knew now what I didn't know when I shut out your visits and calls. When I said you couldn't see your grandchildren, not once. I didn't understand about how cruel alcohol can be when you're drowing in it.

I wish I'd thrown you a sober life jacket.

You lost it all.

I can't do that.

And yet when lifes insane and I'm half demented trying to get it all done, I think of drinking wine.

That's the truth, but lets not go there.

And, lets not drift.