Wednesday, 1 July 2015

Here's where I'm at

So this week, I've had a lot of triggery moments. I'm not sure why. Here's the things I can identify.

Works a bit erratic.
Daughter left for NZ so I'm a bit 'eek its the other side of the planet'.
Son and Husband are both away. So I'm home alone. And I know I was stressing about that.
Went to a good 'fizz' chums for housewarming. Didn't stay, but it was triggery.
Mother-in-law arrived on Friday for tea and stayed until Sunday evening and WRECKED my 'alone time' with my husband.
Went out to a lovely dinner. Wanted wine. Had a mocktail.

I've actually bought booze three times this week.

Three times.

Before we go on, I've not drunk it. But, I've bought it.

I'm posting here for accountability. I'm not sure whats going on with me at the moment.

1 - Bought fizz for a chum in the M&S garage on the way to Glasgow. Bought an extra bottle of wine for me for coming home and getting 'through it' sober. Declined invite to stay even though its a two hour drive. Its just too triggery for me to stay over in Prosseco Central. She's lovely. Really lovely, bought me posh juice. Husband suggested I stay I said its a bit boozy. He said OK, get that, drive safe. Leave with MIL about to go home after spending an improptu night with us out of the blue after tea. In Glasgow, with chums.  Husband called to tell me that his Mum had decided to say an extra day after I left for my evening. He didn't go out as planned and instead of coming home at 1am to us both having some alone time, there's someone snoring in the spare room. Even though I'd arranged with my son that he'd give us some space. I was tempted to stay but went home.

Didn't drink the wine. Listened to Belle's audios. A friend texted (thank you). I almost texted some other sober friends (first time I've actually thought of reaching out when I'm mid-wolfie). Got into bed, slept well. Sent wine home with Mother in Law the next evening.

Believe me I don't know what's going on there.

2 - Bought a can of cocktail on the way to hotel on Monday night. Feeling a bit 'ooh I'm a bit nervous, I'm in a frock'. Husband meets me at hotel, he's off to a work thing abroad early the next day, hotel is a dress up lets have dinner and some us time treat.

Dump can in bin outside hotel, what was I thinking. Had a mocktail. Dodged wine at dinner, up at 4am. Feel very odd about this in the morning.

3 - Bought half a bottle of gin at 9.45pm. I'm home alone, I'd come home from work to an empty house and a f**k-it attitude. I helped a friend renovate her herbaceaous border after work, after a 4am start too, lol. And got home late, stayed in my own garden doing heavy digging all night wrestling with my will I, won't I. And found myself in the supermarket clutching a half bottle of gin on the only night I knew I had a late start the next day. I made dinner at gone 10pm and loaded up on gnocchi and creamy mushroom. Pull the bottle out of the freezer and dump it down the sink.

I don't want to drink. And yet I appear to be self-sabotaging.

So that's where I am today. I'm going to my meeting.

I'm a bit muddlesome about some family things. Work is a bit unsettled on several fronts. My neighbours are a bit in-my-face.

Whilst I'm sort of proud I've not drunk. I'm very nervous at the booze buying.

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.


  1. Writing about it here is a really good thing. I admire you so much for pouring that stuff down the sink. I'm here for you. Annie x

  2. Ouch, sorry you are having a rough time and sorry your mother in law is clueless. Struck me a bit reading your post that I see not even a hint of self-care, I am so proud that you didn't drink, especially knowing how very close you were to it. Please add up what you spent on your alcohol purchases and put that towards something really nice for yourself. New sunglasses? Glad you are going to your meeting today, please know that everytime you reach out for help it strengthens you, build those sober connections, text, call or send up a flare anytime you need. Sending buckets of love, QD

    1. No self care no. Some mornings waking up thinking OK so if I do this then and that next maybe I can fit it all in, isn't helpful is it. I took your advice and bought myself the biggest bunch of flowers you ever did see. x Thank you x

  3. Daisy,
    I am so glad you didn't drink.
    I am also glad you are going to a meeting.
    And I am glad you are "telling on yourself".
    This week, take extra good care of yourself.
    Maybe someone in the meeting can help you!

    1. Thank you UT-Teacher! Meeting was really helpful, they are starting a one to one programme review which I might sign up for. So it was helpful!

  4. Hi Daisy -- it sounds to me as if you're going through what I used to call a white-knuckling period, when I was determined not to drink but a part of me was desperate, not just to drink, but to find some way of comforting or soothing myself. The little sober treats and mocktails weren't enough to help me be with myself. I kept lunging for alcohol and then backing off because i would lose so much if I relapsed. My partner was supportive but I couldn't really name what was going on inside me, the oscillating back and forth, why i kept losing my 'sobriety priority'. It was an unsettling and painful time, older memories and disappointments would surface along with triggers in the present.

    You've been through a devastating loss too and that may be a factor. I found in my first year sober that a very astute and insightful therapist helped me a great deal to look at underlying distress and why old patterns were emerging again.

    Regular meditation each morning helped me too, just to sit and deepen my breathing, notice what came up, what passed and what returned, preoccupations and niggly emotions, old associations. In meditation we get to know ourselves and our skippety-hop minds very well.

    Take care and hang in there, keep talking and reaching out for support. You can do this.

    1. Mary thank you for sharing your experiences. You are right I think. I'd started therapy last year but found I was too early in my sober. I know I need to start working on some of my underlying issues but I still find myself reticent to start this in depth, I'm not sure why.

      Skippety hop minds is such an insightful way to phrase that.

      I must try meditation again xx

  5. I think you're amazing. If I got as far as buying wine there is no way I'd pour it down the sink. What a brilliant job your'e doing. x

  6. I am on day 12 and it is a holiday here in the US. I have spent the day reading your blog from the beginning. I would read a page then work on my chores, then read another page. You are my hero today!

    1. Hugs to you too xxx Well done on all those sober days. x

  7. Do you think you are testing yourself? Buying it but not drinking it, repeatedly; that's bloody hard to keep doing. Are you testing for the point when you DO drink it? I am very impressed you have managed to ditch the drink three times. I'm not sure I could be so strong. Big hugs to you my dear, oh my I relate so much to the "will I, won't I" struggle. I was given advice to immediately dismiss the idea of drinking. Don't even give it head room. Abstinence is at the top of your hierarchy of values. (All easier said than done, but, maybe having a firm decision not to dink allows you to not even consider it?)
    I'm waffling. Sorry. Do xxxx

    1. Its interesting what you say there, testing, perhaps I hadn't thought of it like that.

      Skip straight to sober, nothing to see here. That's where I want to be.

      Maybe one day eh xx

  8. *not to drink, clearly!!

  9. Sobriety can be tough, and it is always going to be a process. It’s great that you stuck with it, despite all the things that could make you have a lapse. I guess it's a matter of keeping one's eye on the prize, so to speak.

    Sabra Hoffmann @ Stark Behavioral Health