Day 48 - Just say no

Just say no.....

Its late so I'll keep this short. Today's been a nice reflective day. I actually took a whole day off. I only looked at my work emails once, at 6pm. I've worked physically hard, looked after myself and made real headway in the garden. I walked the dogs and collected wood on the shore. And, I didn't give myself a hard time, I just enjoyed having a day to myself. Doing what I wanted to do. Sometimes its about giving yourself permission to enjoy life. If you know what I mean.

Right now, the past week I've seen a shift from desperately wanting wine to acknowledging that life without wine is different. I can truthfully say right now, I'm happier without it. I can truthfully say for now I don't miss it. Not today. I'm calmer without it.

I think going to the SMART sessions are helping me to make my sober journey more 'real'. I'm doing these actions in the neighbouring town to where I live. So now when I drive to the town, I'm thinking of the building where I do my sessions. Its my 'Sober Town'. 

I'm listening to Belle's podcasts throughout the day, and I seem to have slipped into a routine of listening to 'sober stuff' in the bath. Sorry podcasters, I hope you shut your eyes when you're talking!

I'm writing in my sober diary, here.

I'm reading sober blogs, everyday, for a while. I get testy if I don't. Thank you all so many of you made me laugh today and Happy 30 days to Bea!

I'm taking care of me. That's a first. Taking care of my sober life.

So when my friend checks again today if she can send wine up for the Xmas holidays to my home this weekend as there's an offer online and it will be easier, (for her), and its a bargain of course. Now, I'm glad I missed her call, I love her but she's not helping me move forward, The old me would have said yes drank most of the wine felt like shit and replaced it. NOT a bargain then, not a bargain now. I'll have to send her a message just like Mrs D suggested, sooner rather than later. And tell her nicely, no you can't send wine here early.

I don't want it in the house.

I don't want it in the shed.

Its NOT a bargain, its booze. Its expensive piss, its a headache, its gut rot. A bargain it is not.

I just don't want it here at all if I'm honest, so they can leave bringing it until they arrive in a months time. ARGH.

I want to scream, this is a sober house, I'm in my sober bubble. Are you trying to just test me. Because I know that the wine will sing to me from its box, regardless of where it is, if its near, I'll hear it. Like a bad pop song, it will turn into an ear worm, that I won't get rid of. We all know it will.

Dear Wolfie if this is a test, then its not funny. I don't need to stress about Xmas and the holidays in fecking November, nor my friendship.

I know this feels like a re-run of the other day, but, erm no sorry. This is a re-run of the other day when I said, no I'd really rather you didn't.

I found that piece of beach pottery a couple days ago. I realise it might have said ON but for me it said NO. NO is a good word for now. I need to set some boundaries with myself and others if this is going to work.

I might actually get it framed. I fear that word might need used a lot soon.

Sober mum, helping out the manchild and uni stresses.

Sober wife, digging up the garden with gusto. Photos to follow.

Sober girl, grateful for finding such support out there. Thank you all.

Day 47 - when did I become second best?

Breakfast time, the hugest change ever and sober treats, they had no lilies so I got roses instead. Cute huh?

So I've noticed a shift, no weight loss (unlikely given current food guzzelling rates) but a wee shift.

I make my breakfast, yes breakfast, not just painkillers, and I make my coffee, I make my blah blah blah before I deal with the universe. Normally I'm second, or third or fourth or I forget about me. Part of that the eternal hangover? Part of that feelings of low self esteem? Part of that how I treat myself, like I don't matter? 

Here's the change.

I make and eat my breakfast, this is mainly because I am starving.

So -

The chickens breakfast gets done after mine.

The dogs breakfast gets done after mine.

I speak to people after I've had a bath.

I make sure I eat properly.

I clear the table in the kitchen, now you know what its like we've a large kitchen table and its always a dumping ground for everything. Last night I thought, erm no, you've just bought flowers, you can't see them. Clear the table. Do it for you, the dogs won't care. (They don't have long legs, so they can't see).

So I come first.

I'm not saying this attitude will stay forever, but its a change. My husbands trip got extended. I'm so glad (you see I said GLAD) I stopped drinking because I'd planned a whole weeks guilt-free drinking whilst he was away. He's likely now to be away for almost 3 weeks. Can you imagine what kind of mess I would have got myself in? Three weeks of a binge. YUK.

I'm looking after me. OK so its all small steps, but its a change. I know I need to look after myself if this is ever going to work. Who knew eh?

Entering Day 47 full of shredded wheat, multi-vits, and everything still gets done. 

PS the sober treat of flowers, less than a bottle of wine. I talk about things in bottle of wine equivalents (EQ's). Sober flowers 3/4 of a bottle of wine EQ's, much better for me too.

Wine now equals = very expensive wee.

In so many ways.

Have a great day!

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

Day 46 - Why do I need an excuse for not drinking?

Hey how are you all this fine evening?

Warning, sober mini rant alert. [edited out - it just got boring in my head, its out know].

My friend today is working out excuses for me not drinking at the moment (again). Its really kind of her, but she was tying herself up in knots trying to fathom out a 'plan for me not drinking'. She's now on a mission. Its ALL we talk about. Xmas coming up, her coming to stay and what we (we) will tell people about my not drinking.

Her funniest one is we'll just pretend you're drinking, no one needs to know.

No, really I'm fine with 'I'm not drinking right now'.

Its no one else's business.

End of moaned out edit.

:D

Day 45 - Slightly strange

So I started some therapy today. I'm more than a little odd, so we may be here for a while. But, its more sober tools. And, that's all good. The session was really just an introduction but it was interesting and I'm hoping it helps.  I was asked near the end of the session, to think about what my goal is. What do I want to achieve? That made me thoughtful. 45 days sober, that's something I didn't think could be a goal, so I'm still I'm taking things day by day. But longer term what do I want. What are my goals? That's still too scary to think about.

Not to die at 52 like my Dad? 

To have a meaningful relationships with my family, friends and colleagues? 

To feel happy, inside?

Not to be as wide as I am tall?

A bum like Kylie?

All good and noble things. even some of those would be nice, but for now I'll settle with not drink. That's enough I think. Just not drink. Just not today, then we'll deal with tomorrow. 

Moderation was suggested as a potential gentle goal to think about. I can see why its been suggested, but I don't think right now, its a good idea. Not for me.

Moderation?

Oh, I'm really sorry I don't think I can do that. That's something I really do suck at. Its a really lovely idea, but lets face it, all my moderation in the past has just ended the same way. I'm good for a few days then I buy more. Read the labels, buy the bottle with the highest alcohol content. Its not about the taste. Not anymore. So I'm not good at moderation. I'd try to drink differently.

Just drink when I'm out. (Does the garden shed count, I'm sure the car doesn't?)

Or just drink beer or stuff I don't like, so I drink less. (Fizzy, yuk, takes a bucket load to help me feel 'fluffy')

Or just drink at the weekends and then sometimes on Sunday and then.... (Monday-Friday are like extended weekends, right?)

Or just have one. Ones never enough. Never.

So moderation and I have danced before and its never bonnie. I almost always end up drinking more.

Moderation for me is like a really bad diet. I yo-yo my consumption back up after a day or two.

For now lets just focus on the not drinking I think. That bit I can try and control for now. Just focus on the not drinking and the now. The rest, well, we'll just see what happens.

Abstinence, for now that's my only goal.

(and maybe a bum like Kylies)

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

Day 44 - Sober treats

A nice fire, my favourite.

So Monday again eh? How was your day? I tidied up the kitchen, no ones here aside dogs and chooks, so I did that for me. I worked for a few hours, visited a friend with two new wee kids and had a good old natter. I've not known her for years but we just work. Enough for her not to tidy. Which was nice.  I left in enough time to have a walk in the last of the daylight, I collected wood on the beach. I like collecting wood, its one of my favourite things.

My husband f/booked me from LA, his breakfast time, my t-time. He's good. We're good.

I chopped wood, for half an hour when I got home. I like chopping wood, its productive and soothing. 

My son skyped over t-time to improvise a chicken recipe. He does this a lot I've noticed, we chat whilst he's doing his dish, I emptied my dishwasher, he cooked his chicken. I got booted off when he was ready to eat. I like it. I like to be 'virtually' cooking with him hundreds of miles away. It feels special.

Simple things like this, even in my current confused bubble, make me happy. Like really happy.

Earlier today I got an email from Belle starting me off on her sober challenge.  That made me happy. I've made a pledge to myself to be sober for the next wee while. That made me happy too. 

My homework for today is to think about some 'sober treats' every couple of days for the next wee while.

Here's the thing. I'm not great at treating myself, so that's going to take a bit of thought eh?

I like flowers but I normally grow them myself, when I can. Bought flowers are so decadent.

I love food. A bit too much maybe.......fresh bread, proper butter. Food of the gods.

I love chopping wood and setting fire to things, I'm a quite secret pyromaniac. I love my wood stove I often sit and listen to it when I'm drinking wine, glass firmly in hand. These days I'm not drinking the wine though. But, I'm still burning stuff and enjoying chopping wood. I'm a strange creature.

Oh its all so confusing this sober treats stuff.

If you're reading this what kind of sober treats did you enjoy?

I'm ending my evening watching a bit of telly (Kate Bush Documentary) sitting by the fire. No glass in hand.  No sleeping on the sofa. No units today. Not a bad day. Is it a good day? Still quite raw from yesterday [thanks for all your lovely helpful comments  -  so appreciated.]

Small steps eh. Whats your favourite sober stuff?

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

Day 43 - Big ploppy tears and sober love

Today started well. Then it kind of slumped by eleven am, I was fed, I was watered I was happy working outside. Alone, happy enough, I'm mainly alone, its OK. But, out of nowhere, I allowed my emotions to turn something which was just a bit disappointing, into a complete melt down. The kind that makes you sob your heart out. From nowhere. Just a chance, throwaway remark. Hurtful, but nothing I've not heard before. 

For some silly reason, big ploppy tears, inconsolable wrenching sobs broke my body. So heartbroken and wracked I just thought to myself, Just forget about it all, just  have a drink.. So black and henious, so heartbroken, so broken.

I try to take stock, I know I'm prone to black moods and over thinking and its no better at the moment. Don't get me wrong my mood's generally been OK, I'm emotional but overall I'd say I'm not as black as normal, but today was like being dipped into a giant abyss of despair. Utterly lonely, utterly alone, utterly heartbroken. My husband is thousands of miles away, with a big time difference. He's not the cause of my upset but often good at giving me 'perspective' - he's fair minded and honest.

I dial his number, I wake him up. I need his voice. He's soothing and reassuring but the tears fall like big splashy rain from my eyes. I worry he tells me, so do I, I tell him. I hate these unseen, unpredictable swings in emotion. We talk a while longer, but he's drifting off its 4am where he is. I never really should have woken him, but he doesn't mind. 

We say goodbye. I'm alone. Reassured, loved but alone. Lonely for family but not for people. His advice is that I'm not being over sensitive, but I need to make a reasoned reply to the hurt, in my own time. When I'm calmer. I agree. My minds still in turmoil.

I so needed a drink, just to calm me. It was 12pm, I listened to reason, I heard everything said and I'm still sobbing my heart out, I just couldn't see any way forward at all. So black. So dark.

Just drink, that will make it better said the lonely wolf. He's been quiet lately but he's here and he's soothing. Just drink.

I have commitments. But, I'd like to drink, I would, it might make it better.

Who cares, Just drink.

I don't during the daytime but maybe after. I told myself, maybe after. I need to go and I need to think.

So I went and helped at a family thing. I went to the supermarket on the way home. I thought I'd head straight to the wine aisle, but I went by the candles, and the bubble bath. Smelling things. Looking at 'sober treats'. I need to think.

'You want wine, its bleak remember, its dark, life sucks.' said the wolf as he pointed, 'it's that way, maybe not wine, maybe some spirits? More soothing......'.

I might I mumble, I should eat first I tell the Wolf. I need to eat and I need to think. I'm buying myself time.

He grumbles. 

For the second time this month I find myself in McDonalds. Eating plastic crap food which I hate. But, I'm hungry and I'm desolate and I'm alone. And, I'm sure I'll drink. So I'm distracting myself by eating plastic crap and sucking on fizzy sugary juice. I'm actually putting off the moment I want to be buying wine. That's new.

Distracted, I check my phone, I check my 'sober emails'.  A message from lovely folks at living sober, a reply to this diary/blog. a message from Belle saying there's room on the 100 day challenge. Another blog from Unpickled, Bill at 'What me...sober', something about 'shrooms'.

'Down on yourself?  Consider the lowly mushroom.  If it can turn bullshit into gourmet food, so can we — and we don’t even have to eat it!  We just need to stop doing it to ourselves.  We can also choose to remain in the dark, living in manure.  It’s up to us.'

Love everywhere, sober love. Sober comfort. Right here in the supermarket. Thank you Bill, thank you all.

Do I really want to throw this all away and go back to how things were 43 days ago before I had this much sober time.

No. 

I don't know, 

I'm not sure.

No.

I leave the supermarket quickly and go home to the empty house. I tell the sulking wolf I can go for wine later if I really want some. For now, full, I leave the shop to think.

I still need to think. Is it easier sober? Is it? Probably. The alternative right now, is to just drink and not stop, soothe and escape, hide.

I'm supposed to be talking to the kids but I can put them off. They won't care. My husband won't call. I'm alone. I can do as I please.

I need to think.

So I run a bath, still bleak, the kids both skype, plans for next weekend, my son might come home, if his workload will let him, I didn't ask, he offered. My mood improves in the family chatter, the teasing and the banter. I miss this.

I lie in my sober bath, soothing, wondering why I let myself get so emotional around things and circumstances I can't change.  Surely my happiness can't be other peoples responsibility. Only I'm responsible for the happiness inside me.

I sure need to work on that. Until I can, I know I need to reach out, eat, drink sugary crap, talk to a friendly voice, if I'll let myself and not just get so isolated in my head that all I can do is think about drinking and being numb.

So today I was so tempted to just say fuck it today and just drink. It came really out of nowhere. To make it all go away for a while. 

OK so the situation from earlier isn't really resolved, but did I need to breakdown over something really outwith my control? 

Drink won't help in the longer term in the short term I guess it numbs. Solves nothing.

I really need to work on my inner emotional balance. Like big time.

Sober Girl. I thank Bill. I thank LS buddies, I sign up for Belle's 100 Day Challenge. I pledge to try to be my sober self, for another 100 days.

Sober Mum. A good chat 'conference call' with them both and maybe an invasion next weekend. I would have missed that call if I'd switched off into my bottle.

Sober Wife. I'm sure I'll pay big time (probably with a long bumpy bike ride) for the wake up call, but I needed to talk.

Day 42 - My seven days sober

Autumn sunshine.

Sixth week sober, who'd have thought it. Six weeks (thanks AEG! My sober twin)! Here's my seven days in photos. I'm trying to appreciate the smaller stuff and the bigger stuff. And muddle through the days. A few photos of my week. Sober. Up above, getting out for half an hour as folks have suggested, helps. Mild exercise, but its a start.

A trip to the city. More autumn sunshine.

Leaving early morning to drive into the city. No fear of being over the limit this week. That makes a change. A misty start to help our rewarded by sunshine. Fabulous.

Time on the beach with my old man at the weekend.

A walk on a different beach, chatting, no sore head, no paranoia. Just chatting. Lovely.

Roses from a friend, in full bloom.

Still in my sober bubble, not really wanting to see many friends but that's OK for now. If its what I need to stay sober, that's what I'll do. I know its not forever. I'll come out of hiding soon.

Lunchtime walks between work commitments.

Listening to the sober podcasts from Belle whilst walking the dogs. Getting some of those sober thoughts into my everyday places. Although I remember to listen to the sea too, love the sea.  Much better without a hangover!

Early morning misty cups of coffee at the garden gate wrapped up dogs stirring, hens fed.

I am enjoying mornings again. They're not full of dread from the night before. They're sleepy, unfettered and full of sober friends when I switch my computer on. That's nice. Not checking my it for silly stuff I've sent when drinking the night before.

Day 42, sunset on the beach yesterday after a day of showers. I wrote my number for today on my local beach.

So that was my week, my sixth sober week, I'm off to a chums with a warm tray of chocolate brownies to go for lunch, having been outside in my garden since 8am this morning. Small steps. I hope your week was good too. Here's to next week. Taking each day at a time, sober.