Tuesday, 18 November 2014

Day 45 - Slightly strange

So I started some therapy today. I'm more than a little odd, so we may be here for a while. But, its more sober tools. And, that's all good. The session was really just an introduction but it was interesting and I'm hoping it helps.  I was asked near the end of the session, to think about what my goal is. What do I want to achieve? That made me thoughtful. 45 days sober, that's something I didn't think could be a goal, so I'm still I'm taking things day by day. But longer term what do I want. What are my goals? That's still too scary to think about.

Not to die at 52 like my Dad? 
To have a meaningful relationships with my family, friends and colleagues? 
To feel happy, inside?
Not to be as wide as I am tall?
A bum like Kylie?

All good and noble things. even some of those would be nice, but for now I'll settle with not drink. That's enough I think. Just not drink. Just not today, then we'll deal with tomorrow. 

Moderation was suggested as a potential gentle goal to think about. I can see why its been suggested, but I don't think right now, its a good idea. Not for me.


Oh, I'm really sorry I don't think I can do that. That's something I really do suck at. Its a really lovely idea, but lets face it, all my moderation in the past has just ended the same way. I'm good for a few days then I buy more. Read the labels, buy the bottle with the highest alcohol content. Its not about the taste. Not anymore. So I'm not good at moderation. I'd try to drink differently.

Just drink when I'm out. (Does the garden shed count, I'm sure the car doesn't?)

Or just drink beer or stuff I don't like, so I drink less. (Fizzy, yuk, takes a bucket load to help me feel 'fluffy')

Or just drink at the weekends and then sometimes on Sunday and then.... (Monday-Friday are like extended weekends, right?)

Or just have one. Ones never enough. Never.

So moderation and I have danced before and its never bonnie. I almost always end up drinking more.

Moderation for me is like a really bad diet. I yo-yo my consumption back up after a day or two.

For now lets just focus on the not drinking I think. That bit I can try and control for now. Just focus on the not drinking and the now. The rest, well, we'll just see what happens.

Abstinence, for now that's my only goal.

(and maybe a bum like Kylies)

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.


  1. Hi Daisy,
    You go girl. Abstinence, abstinence, abstinence. You are doing great.
    Big hugs KT

    1. Its such a great word, but so hard to spell.

      I'll just say no.


      Hugs back.

  2. Moderation.... Ugh! I don't like that word ;-) Probably because I failed at it so many times. Some people can't moderate, eventually I realized I was one of them. Wishing you the best of luck w/ your sessions. xx. Lori K

    1. Lori K, I can't either, its a yukky word. Thanks hope you're good! xx

  3. The bottom line with moderation is that you need to be able to drink without ever getting drunk. You have to stop just as the buzz starts after one and a third glasses of wine. Never more. Those of us who want to get that euphoric lift of feeling drunk and looking forward to being drunker can't do moderation, ditto those of us who self-medicate and need enough alcohol to anaesthetize us. I looked at the suggested quantities and laughed my head off, I could drink a month's quota in a night.

    There was a time I wanted to be able to drink and enjoy the early (short-lived) euphoria then somehow stop before the drunken misery and anger that followed, or the blurring into black-outs. Not possible. And I never lied more about my drinking than when I was pretending to moderate my drinking and assuring others I had it under control. Complete failure. Then I went back to secretly drinking alone and never telling anyone I drank.

    Congrats on Day 45!

    1. The thing is for me, I've been 'pretending' to moderate for years. One in the living room, four in the kitchen, i'm epic at it.

      For a head-switcher-offer like me, a moderate drink doesn't work.

      In fact its quite dangerous because it always leads to more drinking.

      And if I've only bought one wee bottle (which should be 'enough') I might then find myself in the car to get more.

      Really really not good.

  4. dear Daisy....was moderation suggested to you in respect of alcohol or in respect of life in general? don't want to make any assumptions here...

    but if it was in respect of alcohol...that's worrying. Belle talked about this in her recent podcast discussions with Ellie (are you a subscriber to Belle's podcasts, by the way? if not already then highly recommended!) and I have also heard advice about having therapy while in recovery elsewhere online...

    I also started therapy yesterday (!) and, based on what I had heard from others in recovery about therapists' attitudes to alcohol, discussed it with my therapist. I told her that for me, at one year sober, there could never be any suggestion in therapy that moderation could be a good idea. That would be what they call a 'red flag' for me. I have to tell you that she, with a background in addiction counselling, was completely horrified at the idea that any therapist would suggest such a thing, and said that it would be completely unprofessional to do so to anyone who is currently sober. She added that in her opinion anyone who did so would be projecting their own discomfort about their own relationship with alcohol.

    this is rare for me to be quite this directive and bossy in a comment, and I don't know either you very well or the precise situation with your therapist. please believe me when I say that I do so having thought about it overnight and and thought about it really hard.

    but I am very concerned about this suggestion from your therapist, and would suggest strongly that you, at the least, discuss with him or her what their experience is with addiction. it actually makes me deeply sad to think of you entering into a relationship of trust with someone who may not be qualified to give you the right advice. and I speak as someone who is still feeling quite wobbly after opening up to a complete stranger yesterday myself, so I know you might be feeling fragile and really don't want to upset you - but please, be careful...

    Well done on all your determination to make your recovery work - adding in recovery groups and therapy are really fantastic tools. I do wonder if I had thrown more resources at my recovery in the early days whether I might have made my path smoother, earlier? Keep at it! Prim xx

    1. Boss away Prim thank you for taking the time.

      I'm not sure to be honest the session was a whirl of form fillling and initial 'fact finding'. I'm not sure why she mentioned it, I guess they see a lot of folks at the cutting down stage too (?)

      You've not upset me, I'm quite touched at your concern and obvious passion for the right feet starting off. Its important for me to be absinent, as scary as that is. I've come this short/huge distance so far, I'm too scared to go backwards.

      I'm going to see how next week goes and if it doesnt feel right I'm going to be very un-British and say, erm can I change please. Its too important to mess about with.

      I might have got her wrong but I'd thought the moderation she was talking about was in regard to drinking. But, I was nervous and wobbly too so I could have misinterpretated the inference.

      I hope you're own therapy goes well. one year is awesome.

      I'm on belles 100 challenge and have a podcast subscription too

      Thank you for posting so well, (said clumsily) and I really appriecate it xx

  5. I totally echo Primrose's thoughts above. Trust and respect in the therapeutic relationship are fundamental and non-negotiable. Bravo for not hearing her words as permission to drink. You are doing fabulously. Bea x

    1. Hey Bea now you made me giggle tonnes today. And thanks for commenting, Prim is right of course. Glad she said it.

  6. I agree, moderation is not a good plan. You are doing so well. So well! Love Annie x

    1. Hey Annie hugs back and hope your'e good. xxx

  7. Holy cow! What a clear sighted thought you had there.
    To be sober. That's it. A perfect goal. The rest will come. Goals aren't all they are cracked up to be anyway. But abstain pining is a good positive choice.

    I agree with Prim. He very last thing you want is to be arguing with your therapist that you need to abstain. So protect yourself at all costs.

    You made. A huge step. That is so fantastic!!


    1. Thanks Anne, I'm not so much clear as dont' think anything else will really work for me, which is scary but probably easier than attempting to moderate. Hugs and thanks for popping in.

  8. Daisy Daisy Daisy, I have never laughed out loud at a Post so much before. You have cheered me for the morning. Only drink when I am out, (does the garden shed count?) bloody hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!
    but, I hear you!! fuck, so many times I told my therapist I wanted to quit alcohol for good and was told that moderation is a better path. to think I could have done this ages ago. I am avoiding her calls at the moment, a little bit cross at her, not just for that, but other stuff too.
    well done, you are totes amaze. keep it up!!!!
    hugs from nz

    1. Hugs to you Lisa and I'm glad I gave you a giggle. I'm glad to be honest I went after I'd stopped as they said they always advise moderation first then quitting, that wouldn't have worked for me, and I'm lucky I wasnt' physically addicted but I guess that was my gamble.

      Hugs to you too. x

  9. Why do therapists/counsellors do this? ARGH!!!! (1) They are not supposed to give advice (2) You're not drinking - why would moderation be a good idea!
    As a trainee counsellor I am horrified :( Go you Daisy for knowing your own mind - and everything Prim said is spot on! xx

  10. I think it was part of the 'find out where you are bit' and set a few intial goals. But, I might have got it wrong. I'm cautious but I'll go back and if I think she's not the one for me, I guess I can ask for someone else? Thanks I thought you'd say that!