Friday, 16 January 2015

Today I'm grateful I didn't drink.


I stood with an open half empty bottle of wine at my lips last night. The smell was acrid, I stood in my kitchen thinking fuck it. No one listens to me in my real life, no one. (so not true) I stood and thought fuck it, why not. I can't get away from this stuff why fight it. I stood for a good five minutes, which seemed a life time. The sour smell up my nose, the taste almost on my lips. But, I put the bottle down.

Two things also went through my mind simultaneously

I don't' want to go back here.
There isn't enough wine for two of us.

After what seemed a life time, I put the bottle down. I just went and sat down, heart racing. I don't know which statement brought me back sooner, there isn't enough, nope there wasn't. Is there ever?

Or, I don't want to go back there, grudingly that was there.

But the there's never enough and there isn't enough tonight was the louder voice. That what stopped me. And a tiny bit of, I can't go back there. Standing in my new posh kitchen, bottle at my lips, wine-hunger too ravenous for a glass.

And yes my friend from down south is staying again and yes, she brought wine. I asked her not to, she hid it in her bag and yes I looked. Her wolfie is very loud, I get that.

Shame all round I say.

Me for snooping and not trusting her. Her for not respecting me and my wishes. I'd braved it to ask her not to bring wine.

Part of me wanted to drink it to teach her a lesson. Part of me just wanted it, otherwise I'd have thrown it down the sink.

This person isn't someone I can just launch out of my life. Although she lives a long way away, for various reasons she's here around once a month. And, will be for the foreseeable future. There are no other options for her aside a hotel she's been in my life since my kids were 2 and 3. Always my rock, my safe escape, my wine buddy.

Its like wolfie decided to bring along a twin. As if one of the fuckers isn't hard enough to deal with.

Man I'm cranky. I'm on full sober treat alert today.
She's with me a lot, I get her, she's been my rock for so many things but this isn't one of them.

She's here for two days (initially it was one, now its two which also pissed me off). I'm her escape from her mad as a bag of squirrels balls in a sack, family. I get that.

Next week we go on holiday as a party for a week, she's announced she's arriving early Thurs, we fly on Sat. Given the weather I guess this is sort of sensible, at least to arrive on Friday. So next week we'll have the same challenges and a holiday on top. So next week I've got this for close on to 11 days minimum.

This holiday, was of course all arranged pre-sober.

The change is me not her. I know that. I just don't know how to move forward somehow, sanely without a fall out. She needs me. And, here I am bitching.

Can you have eternal sober PMS? I seem to have a bad dose of it.

All I know is that rather than being angry I should be grateful I have friends who want to be in my company.

And be grateful I didn't drink.

That and playing it forward. I'd have probably drunk the half bottle, then drove and got more, or something like that. Today could have been so much messier.

So I'm trying not to be so Sober PMS'y and be grateful.

I should be grateful for kind friends and sobriety.

And I just need to get through tonight. And, himself has invited his mother tonight, because you know one person to stay with an evil-cranky-sober-hell-bitch, is never enough.

Life jacket anyone?

31 comments:

  1. OMG Daisy!! My heart was racing with yours while I read this, I could smell the acrid wine smell with you and even feel the weight of the half bottle in my own hand. GOOD FOR YOU TO IGNORE WOLFIE!!! That situation just sucks eight different ways from Sunday (or maybe it sucks a bag of rotten squirrel balls - that saying made me laugh out loud).

    This friend sounds a little dangerous. To say the least. I have some experience with something like this, mostly in my prior sober stint, as Mr. SR has generally been a pretty big drinker. It's a frustrating challenge to have booze in your house and a boozy person around all the time. But a guest who agreed not to bring it...WTH?! At least you got through it and I think that will strengthen your 'sober muscles' for what is ahead with this friend, and generally strengthen your Wolfie resistance muscles too. A good, strong sober reference - I can not drink under any circumstances, no matter who else is, no matter how close, no matter what. And be grateful on the back side. You did all that. YOU ROCK.

    If I had a magic wand, I'd wave this friend right out of your house until she and Wolfie part ways. But I get that it's probably a lot more complicated than that. Big, giant sober hugs to you. I hope you go around all afternoon with a glowing sober halo that operates as a magnetic field to repel any Wolf whispers. Keep it up.

    And the gratitude and your hilarious sense of humor help too :).

    Hugs,

    SR .

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    1. Thanks SR her wolfie is loud, it's hard but I get it. I so appreciate your support x

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    2. Ps no chance I can just shove that wand up her nose?! Xx

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  2. I so enjoy reading your blog. I am in the early days of sobriety and know how difficult that situation would have been. Half a bottle would only be the beginning for me. But you didn't do it, and now you are just a little bit stronger for the next challenge. Remember how much that wine stunk when you held the bottle to your nose. It would have tasted like crap too! Way to go :)

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    1. Half a bottle and I would probably have driven for more. Insane. Good luck

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    2. Ps it did stink x good luck with your sober too x

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  3. Hi Daisy, Boy I know that was hard, but you did not drink!! I wonder, could you tell your friend that booze in your house is not something you can handle right now? Would she honor your request?

    I hope you can get a good walk in today with cute doggie, I have tried your contact form to chat further about your sober 101 blog but it doesn't seem to want to go through. Any thoughts? Hugs KT

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    1. KT mrs.daisy.h@gmail.com :-)

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    2. Sorry for technical issues. We've talked but she just doesn't get it x her wolfie was loud. I'd have snuck
      Wine in before I think, now I see how selfish I've been being

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  4. I got a little anxious reading this, putting myself in your shoes! You are strong and you are doing great! The one thing I haven't yet done is have a sober vacation. This will be hard but you will have so much wisdom to share! We will be here cheering you on!

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    1. I don't feel strong, maybe stubborn?! X

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  5. See? You are still my rock. Annie x

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    1. An unhappy rock my dear, huge hugs to you am
      Here if a bit muddled myself x

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  6. Concerned for you Daisy, even though you have a very deep and strong connection to your friend, she seems unable to actually be your friend right now. Friends do not lie to each other, they support, trust, and above all else, want the best for each other.
    I am so glad that you put down the bottle. I hope you are OK. Please know you have an entire community of cyber friends wishing only good things for you and sending you buckets of love. Friendships change and grow, I hope she can catch up to the amazing changes you are making for yourself and your family. Sending you peace and strength.

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    1. Thank you for the peace and strength. I have or had rage. But I walked/chopped logs/

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    2. I hope you're well. My friends wolfie is very loud. She's gone now, she didn't drink on her second night we went out and it was easier. My anger is more with myself at not being able to moderate. Which is confusing too. I guess we will see how we move forward, scary times. We use to enable each other, I guess she probably as confused as I am. X

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  7. great swerve, Daisy. or, great swerve E-C-S-H-B. except that's harder to say. maybe an Old Testament name?

    "And then Echsb sat upon the ground, and wailed, for the demon had been introduced by treachery into her household, though she had forbidden it entrance unto her gates. So she returned the demon to the sack in which it came, and was glad..."

    glad is good. glad and hopping mad is better a gazillion times than the alternative.

    blogged recently about something my therapist says about responding rather than reacting to other people, which is helping me immensely, albeit not perhaps in such extreme circumstances as you describe.

    I agree that bringing alcohol into a house when you have been specifically asked not to is completely unacceptable. inserting the pause in order to respond rather than to react is to recognise, as you say, how loud her Wolfie must have been to do such a thing. because we do things at Wolfie's behest that we would NEVER do sober. I wonder, for example, how you would have responded to a request not to bring alcohol to a house? would you have thought you were complying with the spirit (ha!) if not the letter of the request by doing so secretly and drinking it secretly? because from what I can make out that is what your friend did (and that IS pretty fucked up, I completely agree.)

    I would just also like to remind you that your options re this holiday are completely up to you, and include you deciding, if you think it will be too hard, NOT GOING ON THE HOLIDAY. which yes seems extreme and of course there are many reasons why you want to go. but you don't HAVE to.

    when we get sober we are SAVING OUR OWN LIVES. that is absolutely no exaggeration. suppose the first six months of getting sober are a vital course of eg radiotherapy? without which your life is likely to be shortened by perhaps twenty years? you have been doing so much to enable the process of getting sober, and put so much effort into it. I am sure all of that will stand you in excellent stead on your holiday, even if there do turn out to be some awkward patches.

    you can do this, and you can do it sober! big hugs, Prim xxx

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    1. Loved your reply prim.
      Old testement answer rocked. I'd probably have taken wine secretly we do things we might never do.
      She's using it to cope, without she fears she will drown: I get that. My son is coming next week we will be 4 non drinkers and one drinker, I do wonder how it will
      Go. My husband doesn't drink, what kind of hell must our holidays have been before this one? X

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    1. Do if this was your post and its gone I agree with everything you said and I'm off to find that poem. Thank you x will repost comment when on pc (on phone) x thanks

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  9. Daisy - I second everything Prim said ^^. You are in my thoughts and stay strong xx

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  10. Daisy, I, too, am concerned for you. This seems to be an unfair challenge for you to deal with. You have worked hard to build a strong sober foundation these past few months...let it support you during these next challenging days! Thinking of you and sending some serene hugs across the pond. Lori K xx

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  11. So hear you! U can do it
    hugs from nz
    lisa
    www.thecword-compassion.com

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  12. Hi, I posted a comment this morning, which I saw published, with a time of 05.29. It's gone now - did I say something wrong, or is it a technical problem? Do

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  13. Must be a technical
    Problem Do as its on my email but not here. Thanks for pointing it out.

    Hugest a hugs,

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    1. Ps thank you and I will repost the comment.
      X so helpful thank yoi

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    2. Ooh I was just a wee bit worried I had said something to upset you, and if I have, I'd rather know! Definitely don't want to be inadvertently posting anything which might have a negative effect on you. Hugs, Do xx

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  14. From Do original comment vanished in the ether......

    Ah Daisy, what a difficult situation. Well done on NOT drinking the wine. I think I might have given in to the temptation to pour it down the sink!

    You've changed, not your friend, and I can understand her sneaking the wine into your house, because, well, I would have done that. Perhaps. Although if a friend had specifically ASKED me not to bring wine, I'd have tried to respect their wishes.

    Stopping drinking changes things. All sorts of things. Friendships, in particular, because it can happen that a huge part of our friendships involves alcohol. Sharing, socialising, dining out, evenings in, gigs, theatres, walks, all these activities which include or precede drinking. How do we learn to do them sober? But learn we must.
    I hope it all comes good, for you and your friend. You've been there for each other before. This time though, your life and your sobriety needs to be your priority. Do you know Mary Oliver's poem, "The Journey"? The last lines are:
    "and there was a new voice
    which you slowly
    recognized as your own,
    that kept you company
    as you strode deeper and deeper
    into the world,
    determined to do
    the only thing you could do --
    determined to save
    the only life you could save"

    Love your friend. Save yourself first.

    Do, with hugs.

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  15. daisy your blog is so funny (in a true lol way), I love your witty sarcasm and can't wait to meet you one day soon hopefully. x

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