I stood with an open half empty bottle of wine at my lips last night. The smell was acrid, I stood in my kitchen thinking fuck it. No one listens to me in my real life, no one. (so not true) I stood and thought fuck it, why not. I can't get away from this stuff why fight it. I stood for a good five minutes, which seemed a life time. The sour smell up my nose, the taste almost on my lips. But, I put the bottle down.
Two things also went through my mind simultaneously
I don't' want to go back here.
There isn't enough wine for two of us.
After what seemed a life time, I put the bottle down. I just went and sat down, heart racing. I don't know which statement brought me back sooner, there isn't enough, nope there wasn't. Is there ever?
Or, I don't want to go back there, grudingly that was there.
But the there's never enough and there isn't enough tonight was the louder voice. That what stopped me. And a tiny bit of, I can't go back there. Standing in my new posh kitchen, bottle at my lips, wine-hunger too ravenous for a glass.
And yes my friend from down south is staying again and yes, she brought wine. I asked her not to, she hid it in her bag and yes I looked. Her wolfie is very loud, I get that.
Shame all round I say.
Me for snooping and not trusting her. Her for not respecting me and my wishes. I'd braved it to ask her not to bring wine.
Part of me wanted to drink it to teach her a lesson. Part of me just wanted it, otherwise I'd have thrown it down the sink.
This person isn't someone I can just launch out of my life. Although she lives a long way away, for various reasons she's here around once a month. And, will be for the foreseeable future. There are no other options for her aside a hotel she's been in my life since my kids were 2 and 3. Always my rock, my safe escape, my wine buddy.
Its like wolfie decided to bring along a twin. As if one of the fuckers isn't hard enough to deal with.
Man I'm cranky. I'm on full sober treat alert today.
She's here for two days (initially it was one, now its two which also pissed me off). I'm her escape from her mad as a bag of squirrels balls in a sack, family. I get that.
Next week we go on holiday as a party for a week, she's announced she's arriving early Thurs, we fly on Sat. Given the weather I guess this is sort of sensible, at least to arrive on Friday. So next week we'll have the same challenges and a holiday on top. So next week I've got this for close on to 11 days minimum.
This holiday, was of course all arranged pre-sober.
The change is me not her. I know that. I just don't know how to move forward somehow, sanely without a fall out. She needs me. And, here I am bitching.
Can you have eternal sober PMS? I seem to have a bad dose of it.
All I know is that rather than being angry I should be grateful I have friends who want to be in my company.
And be grateful I didn't drink.
That and playing it forward. I'd have probably drunk the half bottle, then drove and got more, or something like that. Today could have been so much messier.
So I'm trying not to be so Sober PMS'y and be grateful.
I should be grateful for kind friends and sobriety.
And I just need to get through tonight. And, himself has invited his mother tonight, because you know one person to stay with an evil-cranky-sober-hell-bitch, is never enough.
Life jacket anyone?