This weeks been a miserable one, [feel free to leave now!] the weathers been mostly like this drizzly and damp, dark and cold. Not a lot of fun and I'm afraid its mirrored my mood. Its been a bleak, dark week, some family stuff going on and a fair bit of anxiety over that. Sunday I really wanted to just drown it all in wine. I confessed this to my husband, who said we both know it won't help. He's very clever sometimes. I'm being more open with him these days and its really helping. He's making me strong and listening to me, so I'm being more honest. I find it hard to trust people, so for me this is a new growing aspect of our relationship. Sober benefit. And phone calls with new sober friends, listening and helping so much, thank you lovely you know who you are.
I'm also gearing up to a Xmas at home with boozy chums staying so that's got me a bit rattled. I'd emailed Belle, my sober penpal on the 100 day sober challenge, and told her I was a bit wobbly. She talked a lot of sense and also suggested I join in on her festive photo round up. Whilst there was NOTHING festive happening here, I'd a mind to make a wreath for the door so a couple hours with the loppers, some string and a wooden hanging later, as if by magic a wreath appeared with holly and ivy from the garden. (Don't peer into the messy kitchen, it needs a tidy!)
Truth be told I was quite chuffed with it. And, it distracted me out of my sullen mood.
I had my therapy session this week and after I managed to have a half hour walk in the park where a cherry tree was blossoming far too early, whilst only a smatter of flowers, a bright light in the grey day. A fair bit of reflection, a few tears, these things take time. Both kids are now off to their fathers for Xmas, whilst this is normal in our lives, for me its a time I've always found difficult and isolated. I need to work through these feelings and find light and love with them, however the distance.
I took a trip on a train this week, visit a friend from my old life who's near. It was such a lovely change of scene and instead of driving, the train was a real relaxing time. Usually I weigh up petrol v train ticket money. This time I weighed up driving v reading time. I opted for the latter. A bit of a change for me.
A wee bit of time on beaches trying to make the noises in my head stop. Trying to calm the panic and stress that normally leads to drinking. Overwhelm and upset often lead me to find solace and comfort in a bottle of wine (or two), but this week, as suggested I've tried to ride through the emotional turmoil. I use to think I never was a person who cried. Since getting sober this is certainly not the case. Tears are frequent and often. My skin is raw, prickly, shrinks to the sense of the slightest touch. I'm desperately trying not the retreat, but its hard.
I'm never great at this time of year. Short days spoil my mood. I'm so looking forward to tomorrow when the shortest day is gone and from now on the days lengthen. And, hopefully with it more light in my life and a lighter heart maybe.
Now, I know as a very new sober person, to be vigilant for stray glasses of wine trying to get through my sober superhero protective suit. So when faced with our local works 'doo' I side stepped the mulled wine, the sparkling wine, the beer, the cider, the spiced cider and found a wee jug of sober juice to sup from. Safe I thought. No, brandy in the pate, wine in the stew, I carefully avoided. Well done me out of danger. But, but, but, no I didn't expect, at a 'Festive Brunch' to find myself choking on a chocolate pudding.
Not a sixpence hiding in this (as sometimes at Xmas puddings can hide silver), but in these 'brunch' puddings it tasted like a gallon of whisky had been added. If you asked me if I'd be sitting in a large glass house dodging alcohol from every angle, including the chocolate pot puddings, I'd have thought you mad. Its daytime, people are driving (?) we're in a glass house, its 11am in the morning and its riddled with booze. I deftly (and quite unlike a LADY, that I assure you that I am) scraped the pudding back out of my mouth. A bit like a kid eating something disgusting. Firstly I'm driving and secondly it was rank, I hate booze in food, its vile. I'm sure if I tried to set a match to it, it would have flambayed itself. Begone Wolfie and your cunning xmas tricks, hiding booze in everything. You didn't get me you bugger. Almost though.
Date night, a couple of bottles of super posh soda from M&S whilst he perferred the raspberry, I perferred the lemon and mint. We had a sober carpet picnic, curled up and watched a film. I have to say I'm spending more time with my husband than a bottle of Merlot. Its nicer. And a nice way to start the weekend. No hangover this morning.
Today we went and picked our xmas tree, I love this tradition of bringing evergreen tree and light into the house. The smell is intoxicating. I also saw this wee penguin and knew that it would make us smile. In free floating splendour wonderful little penguin. So that's was my week in photos. Some dark days, full of emotion, compelling to drink to forget or dull the pain. But, depsite the odds we got there. Fecking hard this sober stuff sometimes. Some days lighter with friends, sober treats and love.
Whilst I'm nervous about xmas and having a boozy chum and her family to stay, I'm going to keep upping my sober tool kit, bling up the sober treats big style and make time for me and my sober self. And try not to go mad. Best Xmas present a girl can have eh? Sober Santa.