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| My friend brought me roses. For once they opened instead of sulking in the vase. |
You know I've been wondering and berating myself for not stopping [drinking] sooner and not dealing with this stuff, these emotions, this junk sooner. I'm an idiot for drinking so long I yell at myself. I'm good at yelling, its in my genetic make up to be LOUD.
Right now, today, right here, I realise why its now and not then.
I needed time and space to do it. Its crazy and emotional and huge. And, scary. I couldn't do it before. I don't know if I can now, but I'm trying. My life had to move on from crazy wonderful lovely [my own] family to now. To the empty rooms, to the new life.
I've been holding everything well tight together with sticky tape and crossed fingers and glitter for years. Hoping no-one would find out. That's worked, but only for then. But, they're gone now and they're happy enough, growing up alone and happy.
I don't actually want to drink [well not today].
Now, I need and want something different.
And, I need time and space emotionally and I need to be heard and be told its OK now.
Me, the Queen of huge smiles and laughing lovingly saying 'its all going to be fine, don't worry, I'm here for you'.
Who knew, I probably needed to be there for me too. I can now.
Gold star big tick.
PS, I knew I could write a smaller post! Ha.
I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you.
Lovely Daisy, I have been berating myself all week regarding "what the heck too you so long to figure this out!"? Your insight about needing the time and space to do so fits perfectly, many thanks and enjoy your roses, they are beautiful. QuietlyDone
ReplyDeleteThank you Quietly Done. I think, well I know I've stopped a thousand times, but its never been for this long. This journey feels different. I feel like I've had enough, if that makes any sense? I think someone said it on some elses blog. 'Have you had enough', and I have. The roses, such a treat a lovely friend left them.
DeleteThere's a saying 'God won't give us anything we can't handle'. The time wasn't right before, it is now :) xx
ReplyDeleteThanks Lucy, how true. :) xx
DeleteI think you're doing really well. Love Annie x
ReplyDeleteHey Annie thank you very much hope you're good lass! I'm on a right rollercoaster of emotion. Heaven help you all x
DeleteOh, Daisy, i just finished reading your post about your family encounter. Family time can be so "heavy". It's not surprising you're giving yourself a hard time today. I think we probably all wonder "what took me so long" to stop the madness. Enjoy your roses :). Sending hugs. xx Lori K
ReplyDeleteLoriK - thank you. I'm quite emotional so the family thing I think tipped me over into a bag of chips, not a bottle of wine thankfully. Hugs to you too. x
DeleteDaisy, I just wanted to say hi and congrats on your 39 and counting days! Well done you. I sure get the 'holding it together and hoping no one finds out' gig as, like many of us here in this online getting-sober blog-world, I did that too. Good for you for keeping going and for gig easy on yourself when you need to. I have only read a couple of your posts yet--will catch up soon--but I have to say, I love that sober bed. And yes, it's all going to be OK. Not always easy, but always worth it, and always more or less OK. Take care! xo
ReplyDeleteHey there thirsty still, thank you very much. I'm glad that we're all finding each other. Well done on your journey too. I'm humbled by the kindness I've found out here in the lovely online-sober-world.
DeletePS the sober bed is cool. :) I found one of the dogs slumbering on there tonight!
Reading your blog reminds me so much of the year I got sober at 47 in 2007. I went around feeling raw and vulnerable all the time, emotions seesawing, all kinds of questions in my head, wondering why I hadn't done this 20 years before. And at the same time there was something lovely about my head clearing, the fresh energy I had in the mornings and knowing I was finally beginning to live a different life that wasn't about numbing myself out.
ReplyDeleteYou're doing great.
Mary LA thank you very much for being so kind and open. You're so far on your journey I hear that the peace and energy is fabulous. I don't want to numb anymore. Thank you so much for popping by. I've realised that I need time to do this for me, get the foundations right. Thanks again Mary LA
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