Day 40 - Adding more sober tools

So on my 40th Sober Day, I started at a SMART session the local alcohol rehabilitation centre. I've been accepted into for some one to one therapy and it also offers these group sessions. Ever keen to get my 'sober tool box' well equipped, I thought it can't hurt. And, they had free coffee. Free coffee is good. Like anything I do when frightened, and I was scared, I arrived in the nick of time with seconds to spare, no time to think about anything but go. The whole 'live by the seat of your pants thing' works for me when I'm inclined to just slope off into my comfort zone. So I arrived 'just' in time no escape. 

So it was scary, not much sharing, but some 'checking in' (where are you now, how has your week been) and some examples of tools for coping with 'urges' [which always sounds like a sweaty word, urges] but you know what I mean.

And, also some discussion about that 'voice' in your head telling you to drink, how to cope with it and its bullshit. I think they called it 'unreasonable thoughts' but lets face it the voice talks rubbish like 'just have one drink' or ' no one will know' or 'you've earned it' or eventually if you're like me 'its Tuesday, you stepped in a puddle, its raining, you need a drink to cope'. You know THAT voice, the one Belle calls Wolfie, that wee voice saying you can reward yourself, console yourself or be happier 'with a drink'. 

Best advice for that voice? Tell it to shut up. It lies. Swear at it, drown it in the bath, wait it out. All good stuff, which by now I know works after a bit.

So going was interesting, its a small group. Its hosted by a recovering drinker, which was oddly comforting. Nearly five years sober and smiling. Like, really smiling. And, as far as I'm aware really happy, really happy. Others in the group were very nice and its all confidential but not as scary as I thought it might be. They didn't lie they told me it would be hard, but worth it. And they told me it would be safe and private and it was. Very.

I wasn't sure I would go, I don't have to, but right now, I need everything 'bib and braces' (belt and braces) I think my grandad use to say, like double bagging. Better to try it all then fail because on a lack of support. So I've added this to my sober tools. 

Not really so brave, as I'm new here. Like really new. I know no one out with my new home, only my husbands family live a half hour away. My own friends/family at least one hour.  So I feel safe in myself going to sessions, having been, I think I might well have been 'safe' going to one in my old life but I didn't feel safe, so I didn't go. I wasn't ready. I think it was a sober podcast or the bubble hour where someone talked about how much, like me they value the online sober community support (you're all stars!!). They did say too that engaging with folks in their area helped to and they were glad they'd done that so I was brave and I went.

I listened today to a person today saying that they managed to change by staying away from their friends. For now I think that's safer for me. Unless I'm driving. No one questions a person who's driving not drinking. I also got told to stay out of my 'drinking' place, well I drink at home so that's harder, but I've tried to change my routine a bit.

I also talked to my husband a bit on the phone about how sometimes (MONSTER under exaggeration here) I think I use wine as a bit of a switch off, a bit of an emotional support and I'd rather cope in other ways, with less wine. He's convinced I don't have a drinking problem, I'm never falling down drunk. [No lovely man, I just slip off the sofa, sozzled, pickled as a cucumber.] 

But I just said I'm happier right now, not drinking [sort of true, sort of not exactly true], but I'm emotional [very true], so I'd like someone to talk to. He's supportive and now in the loop that I'm starting some therapy.   He's said hes happy, if I'm happier not drinking then that's cool.  We're good.

That's all I've got to share with him right now, I hid my drinking big style. He knows I'm taking some time out. He's not counting, I am. 

That's enough for now. That's all I've got to share. I need to look after myself.

I hid so much of my drinking, the deceit and the lies, the excuses. Well, I'm done with them. 

But, this journey is MINE, and for me. Maybe I'll share it all one day with my family, I probably won't.  That's my choice. I'm a mum, whilst I have responsibility for myself, my relationship with drinking is private. So is my recovery. I'm quietly using the 'recovery' word, I know its early days, please don't scare it away. Its shy and a bit flibbertygibbertyish. I whisper when I say it, but I feel like I'm on my journey, even if I'm hiding it from my family. My choice.

Sometimes privacy is bittersweet. But, that's my choice.

So, a very quiet Happy 40 days to me, I'll sing to myself in the bath later.

Sober brave girl at a meeting. They told me to make a 'treat box' for myself today, you know I might just do that. A box just for me. I must think more about that.

Sober Mum, phoned both kids tonight for a chat. Told my daughter if she keeps standing me up on skype I'll send the dogs round for a good lick-to-death.  

Sober Wife, long lovely chat from his hotel room, with himself. Sober. Sober. Sober. Proper chat. I should hit 50 days before he's home. Maybe 55 I'm not sure exactly when he's back.

PS one of the tools suggested today was a 'sober diary', looks like you're stuck with me. Bad luck my diary is here to stay!

I do waffle on, so thank you for getting this far! If you've something kind or helpful to add or just want to say hello. Please drop a line below. I'd appreciate that. Thank you. Have a great day.